Life can be so unfair Karen, not to have been gifted any retirement time for you and Richard, especially when you are seemingly well you just don’t consider that you won’t enjoy growing old together. Similar for me, my husband loved his work, he had his own accountancy business and was never going to retire completely. But at Christmas he suddenly said he wanted to cut back so that we could spend more time together, travel a bit and just enjoy life by being together a bit more. We started making plans but then tragically on the 13th January he suddenly contracted sepsis whilst he was being treated with antibiotics for a chest infection and he died on the 14th January. The other day I came across our ‘bucket list’ he wrote in December, and I felt so sad we didn’t get any more time together to do the things we planned. Maybe in time I may try and do some of the things we planned but it wont ever be the same. With love xxxx
Hi i to lost my wife 3 weeks ago and know just how you feel you didn’t just lose her once but many times .
@sandi
We hadn’t got as far as planning what we wanted to do but we knew it was just going to be together which was the important bit.
The last time I helped him with work on the farmland was about a month before he died. On the way back on the tractor I said we’d have to decide what we did about looking after the land when he couldn’t do it any more and he replied that we’d worry about that nearer the time. He knew he was still capable of doing it for quite some time to come and he was certainly still strong enough to do so. Heartbreaking.
So sorry you had your dreams shattered and no, it won’t be the same without your husband.
Hugs
Karen xxx
@Paul1oo
So sorry you are going through this too. I do hope you’ll find the support you need on here; there are many amazing people who will help in any way they can.
Take your time as you will still be in shock no matter how much your wife’s death might have been expected.
Sending love
Karen xxx
Heartbreaking is what it is, and somehow we have to try and find a way to bear our loss which is so unbearable. I always thought we would grow old together, and have fun doing so. It was not meant to be for us xx
Same here about growing old together @sandi but the more I think about it the more I know Richard wouldn’t have taken kindly to old age and loss of strength and vitality. He valued himself for what he could do, which was all very physical. We valued him for who he was but he didn’t.
My wife’s death was completely unexpected, she went into hospital for a biopsy on the 11th of January and never came home, she died on the 1st of March 3 days before her 56th birthday.
Yes I can see that if Richard identified himself through his physical strength and vitality then he would struggle as he grew older, maybe that’s why he didn’t want to think about a time when he wasn’t able to look after the land. Does that bring you some comfort in a strange way, in that he didn’t have that struggle and you will always remember him as the strong and vital man that he was xxxxxx
@sandi yes it does for me and for my older daughter. I just wish I’d asked to learn about the land more so I had a bit if a clue about what I need to do.
I look at the photo of him beside my side of the bed and think how gorgeous he is and what’s always will be.
@Paul1oo
Even more of a shock factor for you then. Very sudden for me too as my seemingly very healthy husband went out to play his weekly football and never came home.
So sorry for your loss ,its not fair what life throws at us at times but it can’t take away our memories and love .
@Paul1oo That’s so true and there are great memories of our time together. I intend to make memory books with written memories and photos.
Thinking about the future and the loss is almost unbearable,so I have to live day by day, minute by minute… my Gavin was taken so suddenly and unexpectedly without any warning before Christmas aged 55… we had so many plans for our retirement… i am now try to navigate a new pathway … this week has been waves, which I have had to endure… it’s been tough …… thinking of you all
Thankyou @KarenF …. My elderly neighbour had popped over, bless her … she is very sweet but a glass half full…her conversation was full of doom and gloom which allowed me to start thinking about the future without mY beloved Gavin and the enormity of his loss, our future together…. I allowed myself time to live with my feelings which was very painful, lots of tears …. I have managed to just think about getting through next minute, next hour and next day. I had an appointment to see my GP anyway, he was SO supportive and caring … we made a plan together which has helped …… I know there is hope, I know I am ok and I will honour Gavin who was taken from me so suddenly without any warning …. I want to make him proud so I will live his life through mine … the support on her is amazing …thankyou everyone
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@MinnieImber I think allowing yourself time to live with your feelings is really important. Since I recognised grief as part of my life like eating, drinking and sleeping and allowed it its own time and space (my time outs), I am feeling more comfortable, in control and less anxious. I am still just as sad, that is not going anywhere fast. The ‘time out’ can involve activities like reflection, tears, reading or contributing on this site, (I am using this morning’s time out doing that now) and even the zoom meetings. These are all ways of processing emotions and channelling energy into living with grief rather than allowing it to drain energy out of you. It also allows you to set the agenda sometimes and relive the happier moments you are grieving for and to feel freer of guilt when you do other things. It doesn’t take grief away or eliminate ambushes as that is not possible, but it is positive action. I see distraction as sometimes being a negative strategy by trying to deny or hide and suppress grief but that grief will come back harder to hit you afterwards. As said before on this site ‘don’t let grief win’ and this is my strategy to do this. I know we are all different and this may not work for anyone else at all but it is my way of dealing with it. I hope you and all of us find our own way. Love and support xx
@Mike75
That is such good advice. It is good to let our grief flow whenever we need to. It will help us so much as we go slowly forward.
I am trying very hard not to let grief win. I had a few bad days last week and thought that I was back to square one again but am now feeling a bit stronger.
This sounds silly but I brought a new T.V yesterday and cried as I installed it as I suddenly realised that my husband hadn’t seen it and it is something new in the house that he never will see. I sat and thought about it and knew he would be happy for me for moving on and changing things in “our home”. Silly but reality.
Sending love xx
@Alir Thank you for your kind words. Your thoughts on the TV are not silly at all. The TV is not part of your old life but is a building block in your new one, albeit one you never wanted. You made me smile a little as if I bought a new TV I know my wife would be saying ‘About bloody time!’ as that was something we were planning and I had been procrastinating about (and still am). Love and hugs xx
It’s only 3 weeks today that I lost my beloved husband of 59 years. I have to carry on living my life. I know it won’t be easy, but your post showed me that there is a future, it just needs to evolve. I can allow myself time to address my sadness and grief and accept that is to be part of that life too - thank you.
@BigL I’m so sorry for your loss. I am now 5 months in but at 3 weeks I was still in shock and completely overwhelmed by the physical and emotional pain and exhausted from this and having to sort out so many things. I am glad if I have given you a glimmer of hope. I think I will be left with a deep feeling of happy memories balanced by an equal feeling of sadness but that this will be an essential part of my life but not all-consuming as it was at the beginning. Love and hugs to you as well xx