Ang1949,
I do know that grief is personal, and that is part of what makes this so hard. My loving wife was not just my wife she was my whole world, my soulmate, my everything, my best friend and without her I really have nobody to understand and help me through this terrible journey that I don’t want to make. I “know” that my loving wife would want me to be strong but I also think that she wasn’t aware of how important she was to my existence. I know she LOVED me but I don’t don’t think she knew how much a part of me she really was and is. Take care, John
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Thank you John your so right it’s your own personal journey and everyone has there own thoughts. My husband and I had been together 52 years and were so comfortable together and just never thought he would go so quickly or go before me.
I can’t get over the shock of everything what has happened in 6 months since he died and life is so very different. I get on with things as he’d want me to somebody said I look so well but that is on the outside. Inside I’m broken like all of people left its a long lonely journey and you have to do what makes you happy and what you want to do.
All my thought are with you all
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Well said. x
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Hello all,
I am just sitting here right now crying and feeling so sad as always and so lonely. I was thinking about my loving wife and how she and I had tried to take care of my friend and my loving wife’s Mother. We were so looking forward to being able to spend our future together when we were done caring for them. It is just so wrong that we will never have that time together and I am forced to be all alone now. We weren’t looking for a reward when we decided to care for others but I wasn’t expecting to be “punished” either, and now without my loving wife here with me I am feeling like I am being punished. This pain is almost unbearable at times and my heart is so broken and so is my spirit and I am so worn down and worn out and tired of all of this. I just miss my loving wife so much and want this pain to end. take care, John
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So sorry gor your pain and you wonder why these things happen xxx Stay Strong
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Ang1949,
Thank you for your kind words. I don’t know why this happens either. Take care, John
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So very true. My partner of 7 years (fiancee) passed away only a month ago and life seems so very, very cruel. No longer do I enjoy life and hope each night that I do not wake up 'tomorrow ’ Food holds no appeal to me any more and there seems little point in life right now but I know I have a beautiful grandson that loves me, his grandma so I must get up and show up, even for him xx
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chris356,
I am sorry for your loss, I can understand the comment about no wanting to wake up. It is good you have a grandson who loves you and yes that can be a reason to get up and show up. When my loving wife died I had to keep caring for MIL who had dementia and it was hard all alone, but I tried to honor my loving wife. MIL died in August and now I really don’t want to keep going, even though our son loves me and I think will miss me. It is just too much and I want it to end soon. Take care, John
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Yvonne
My husband passed 15 weeks ago with oesophageal cancer which was put down as long Covid. By the time he was correctly diagnosed as operable in August and due to delays for treatment he was deemed as palliative on October and passed 8/11. I am 53 and fear the future existence without him. I hate this journey we have been forced upon. It’s just not fair, everything should not be put down to Covid. The doctors do not know enough about this and should rule out the likes of cancer and other illnesses before stating that it is long Covid. I am totally heart broken, lost and alone without my soulmate
Take care
Sharon
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Hi Sharon, I feel your pain. It must be so hard knowing that the outcome could have been different if it wasn’t for Covid.
You have every right to be angry.
I too am absolutely heartbroken, and so lonely.
People have been very kind to me but I just want my Pete back and the thoughts of my life without him are just so hard to bear.
Take care of yourself
Muldool
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John, please reach out and speak to someone you trust. It doesn’t have to be family but you must share these feelings with someone. Don’t misunderstand me, these thoughts are perfectly normal, and I have had them too. Your family are important and yes, they will miss you but more, it would break their hearts.
Do keep in touch. We are in this together. Much love.
Chris
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SharonD12,
I am sorry for your loss. You are correct about Covid and the fact that there is so much that is unknown. It seems almost as if the Doctors have forgotten how to diagnose anymore. I know that Covid is a crisis but too much is being mistreated and causing other issues. My loving wife died almost a year ago and her medical issues really started after her first vaccine and was told it was a good reaction to the vaccine. After getting worse the Doctors finally started listening to her but at that point it seemed to be too late because she went into the Hospital on Thursday and died on Saturday. I sadly am also lost without my loving wife who was my whole world as well as my soulmate and everything to me. Take care, John
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chris356,
I understand your comments, I am not suicidal I just want the pain to end. I write and vent on these forums to help me process my pain. I won’t end my life because if there is a Heaven I want to be allowed to join my loving wife again and as far as I was taught if you commit suicide you can’t. As far as family , now it is basically just our son because my loving wife’s family abandoned us after she died. Take care, John
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Good morning John. I am relieved to read your comments and I understand when you say you are just ‘venting’ on here. So sad that your loving wife’s family have deserted you in your hour of need! That must be so difficult for you to comprehend.
We are all here to listen and share our grief.
I lost my John in January and we were engaged to be married.
Life does not make sense any more.
Best wishes,
Chris
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chris356,
Yes this life sometimes was hard to understand before my loving wife died. Now it makes absolutely no sense at all. Take care, John
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Hi Sharon,
I had to reply to you as you comment rings so true to me. My husband passed on 10th December 2021, suddenly.
He had been unwell with various things over the last couple of years and had a couple of operations. We’d not been able to do much, partly because of his health but mainly due to COVID restrictions.
His health problems had always been a battle, everytime we went to the doctor’s it was always someone different, they never read his records, just flippent in their diagnosis… it’s your age (he was 66), it’s the side effects from your tablets, it’s because you used to smoke… It was always so hard getting any sort of tests done. But took them 6 months to finally send him for a brain scan to confirm he’d had a stroke and that was before COVID even arrived. I feel that he has totally been let down by the NHS. He even caught COVID whilst in hospital when he’d gone in with pnuemonia…and even then they couldn’t decide if it was pnuemonia or a urine infection!!!
We went to the doctor’s at the end if November to discuss his blood test results and his swollen legs, they were so big and painful, to be told it was due to his heart tablets. For him to be admitted to hospital on 9th December, diagnosed with sepsis and he passed away that day.
My world just shattered, maybe if he’d been tested for an infection when he had his blood test they would have known then. I’ll never know. I try not to dwell on it because I fear if fault was found it would be even worse because my wonderful husband has gone and that can’t change.
The worse bit for me is that I’m 50 (51 this year) and I feel I’ll have years of missing him. It’s not like we were only a couple of years apart in age. I gave two sons who I adore and they’re a great support but it’s all just a distraction. Well that’s bhow I feel, anything to distract me all my waking hours to try and get through the day. Yet I snuggle down in bed every night with my cushion, my son bought me with my favourite photograph of Ian on. I talk to him, usually cry for a while then I switch my tablet on and drift to sleep cuddling my cushion with afterlife playing. Then get up the next day and repeat.
I just feel the NHS desperately needs fixing as far too many people are being let down, and far too many have passed during COVID not because they had COVID but due to the lack in services.
Take care x
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Karenlouise,
I am not sure if I have commented to you before, let me start by stating I am sorry for your loss. I am in the States and as far as I am concerned things are no better here. My loving wife died 50 weeks ago yesterday and started feeling ill 1 year ago today, I will never know if she had a Doctor who had listened if she would still be alive or not. I do know that they ignored her initial complaints as a side effect of a vaccine and the day she died The ICU Doctor said she may have been septic too.They knew she had some sort of infection but couldn’t find it to treat it, I can’t tell you what it was just what it wasn’t. I know she had a heart attack and a blockage and other medical issues as cause of death, which I won’t ever understand because she was still working when they sent her home and then to the ER. This last year I have been in a daze and none of it seems real. Like most people here I dread getting up every day and being all alone and going back to bed at night all alone to do it again and again. I just want this pain and suffering to end. Take care, John
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Hi john9
I totally understand what you say. It’s just so awful, I hate how things are. I have been off work since my husband passed and today was my first day back. It was okay, well as okay as you would expect but I’ve just not stopped crying since I’ve been back home because this is the first time I’ve been back in the usual routine… you know, the routine you had before they passed when everything was happy.
I find it unbearable at times and today the realism and hurt and loneliness you feel when you see other people living their life, which I don’t begrudge at all, only acts as a massive slap in the face is just so overwhelming. You know comments like “well that’s your first day done, it will get easier now” 
No, no it won’t, he’ll never be here again. I won’t ever see his face, gear his voice, see him, smell him, feel his arms around me 
I hate life without him x
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Are poor you I feel your pain I’m retired but hate coming home to empty house as you must to. I say you lick the door and don’t see a soul some days to you go out again. My brother made a comment to me saying you will get over it will just take time. I told him I will never get over it this is it. I find it so hard but have to keep saying we had a lovely life and were lucky we had 52 years together but stl selfishly would love him to still be here.
I hope you get some peace and comfort. It won’t go away and won’t change but I do hope it gets easier for you. As you say it’s so overwhelming and people don’t know what to say to you.
Take Care and look after yourself 
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Karen Louise I totally agree with you about the NHS , it certainly does need fixing and it is letting people down. My husband died in November and each time he had to go to hospital was worse and worse. Delays, lack of diagnosis, bad treatment. He had an aggressive cancer and we looked after him at home with the help and support of our local hospice. Thank goodness for them and also district nurses. I’m older than you, 66, but I also feel bereft at the years ahead without him. We should be enjoying retirement together. It is all very cruel but at least we have this forum. Take care
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