Thank you all. I’ve told myself, and others, that I’m not able to make any decisions at present, and not sure when I’ll be able to. At some point her brother and our daughter will be asking whenshe’ll be scattered.
It’s heartening that you guys understand the normality of talking to them. Such kindness on here.
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Oh Adele what are we going to do? How do we ever come through the other side. Many people o. Here seem to have done but just can’t imagine that happening, ever. Me too, I’d give anything for another cuddle, another morning waking up next to him, yes another chance to cook one of his favourite vegetarian meals. . And I’d never complain ever again at having to make something separate.especially at Christmas with all the other demands. Can’t even contemplate Christmas, have managed his birthday, wedding anniversary next week but oh mom Christmas, just too much to bear. The ironic thing is our son and family always alternate between us and his wife’s family at Christmas and it was our turn. But his father in law was ill so we said go there as it could be his last Christmas, So missed Malcolm’s last XChristmas and father in law still alive If only we’d known.Hooe you will feel a bit better soon sweetheart, we can cry on each other’s shoulders. and understand. Have lost that private thread, don’t know what happened. Hoping that soon your grief will stop hurting you so much. Lots of love x
Hi Adele,
I am missing my Andy every single day and days are getting more difficult without him. How shall I manage without him? I am lost, broken and so angry. I have to come out after this better person. Can I be? No idea. I am in pain. I want to cuddle and kiss him and will not let him go!
Hello Nuran, it just doesn’t stop does it. Every day waking up and missing him so much, hoping life will be a little easier but in my case it seems to be getting worse. You sound to be the same and I’m so sorry. We’ll have to try to be strong, don’t know how, but keep hoping. Sending love x
Hi Bjane,
I just spoke to my mum who lives abroad. She asked me how I was and that is one of the annoying question for me whether or not I am ok, how can I be ok?
I started crying on the phone saying to her I am lost with my son , do not know what to do and I am feeling in hell on the fire.
My true feelings are these what I could do? I am in pain, headache, can not sleep, can not see any point doing anything but I am still working and looking after my son…
Of course you’re not ok Nuran, I just think people don’t know what to say and it does come across as so upsetting and annoying too, when someone asks that. There are no words to describe how we feel, it feels like nothing will ever make up for this terrible pain in our hearts. I’ve just been in the garden trying to make it nice again after the neglect when I couldn’t face it, but I just started crying and couldn’t stop. Somehow we have to try and cope and you’re being strong for your son, so you’re doing really well. Sending love and sympathy, keep going! xxxxx
Thanks Bjane for your lovely words.
Hopefully we will get better xx
Morning Nuran, hope you got some sleep! The sun’s shining, let’s hope it can work a bit of magic. Thinking of you xxx
Morning Bjane,
I am flying to Turkey next week as I have not seen my family yet since we lost Andy.
Our first trip to Turkey without Andy and it is going to be very difficult and emotional as he loved being in Turkey. He could escape the work . I loved going to Turkey with my small family, srecording my son and Andy carrying the suitcases, having a breakfast at Weatherperson etc…I can not describe how I feel. And my family loved Andy to the bits and time to grief with them xx
Nuran that will be so hard for you. We always went to Brittany for five weeks in the summer, Malcolm loved it there like your Andy and Turkey. Driving to Plymouth, stopping off at the motorway services, getting the ferry. All those things we did and never will be able to do again. So heartbreaking for us, would be so hard to go there again. We would have been there today, celebrating our wedding anniversary in our favourite restaurant in France. I’m trying to stop feeling sorry for myself, we can’t change anything can we, but when the tears come it’s so hard to stop. And now there seems to bea kind of lockdown in West Yorkshire where I live! Have been trying on clothes to try and look okay when I go out with my son and fiancée tonight but my heart’s not in it, he’s not there to dress up for or help me decide what looks nicest. All these little things feel like they are slowly killing us don’t they, so hard to enjoy anything without our soulmates. Hope you and your son can do something nice today and enjoy the sunshine, think I might go and sit in the garden and dream. Sending lovex
Dear Nuran
I know exactly how you feel. I have a 96 year old aunt who has survived Covid without any complications. The unfairness of it all makes me feel so resentful as I have to look after her now. She doesn’t really want to be here but my husband who fought so hard and was such a brave man has died. Life can be so unfair. My husband’s cousin who we were both very close to also died very suddenly at the beginning of May with undiagnosed cancer. Losing the 2 of them in such a short space of time has left me reeling with shock. I tell myself that my feelings of resentment are natural and OK and I must not feel guilty about them. I just have to hide them from my aunt.
Please don’t feel bad. No one will judge you.
Take care
Hi Ellie1,
You are so right such a cruel world as Andy’s nan is 87 years old and last 20 years living 25% of working heart and still with us. I am sure she does not belive herself either still being here x
Nuran, hope your trip goes well, thinking of you. The first is sure to be the hardest and worst and I hope you get strength to go through it all without him. Talking of feeling guilty I think we women are hard wired to feel guilty and we shouldn’t. We’re all struggling to do our best with the life we’ve found ourselves in and need to be kind to ourselves. Take care, sending love x
Hi Bjane,
Many thanks I am trying to be strong but it is really hard.
I am so much in pain can not even think years passing without him xx
Dear Nuran
Try and take life one day at a time and try not to see too far into the future. I was doing that for a while and it all looked pretty bleak and hopeless without him. I really just try and deal with the hear and now as much as I can. Sometimes I get sideswiped like when my colleagues were discussing Christmas Leave last week. We always hosted Christmas at our house for the family as we had the room and I really enjoyed Christmas and so did my husband. I started planning in October, made the family Christmas cakes and started looking for presents for my husband and family. I have no idea where I will be this year, I can’t even decide whether I want any time off over Christmas. So I have parked that one for a while. It’s his birthday tomorrow. He is 64. We always took the day off on our birthdays so we could spend a lovely day together doing something we both enjoyed. But not tomorrow. I was strongly advised by my friends at work not to be on my own and to come into work and that’s what I am going to do. It will be one of the hardest things I have done but I will really try.
Hi Elli1,
Hope tomorrow goes well for you as I am travelling tomorriw without my love first time. To be honest I am thinking if future as it is dark at the moment. I am stuck with the past at the moment so I am in such pain. I am trying to learn live at the present so when i am ready i would like to go to meditation classes.x
Thank you.
I hope you find some strength soon. Joining this group has been a godsend for me. To know that I am not a weirdo for feeling the way I do and that there are a lot of people who identify so strongly with how I feel is comforting. Only someone who has felt the overwhelming loss of a loved one can know how you are feeling. It’s impossible to describe to people who have never experienced such a colossal bereavement how utterly devastated you are. Before my husband’s funeral friends called regularly to see how I was coping and if I needed any help. Once it was over they all drifted away apart from our really close friends. It was all over for them but not for me. It was just really starting. My children have been magnificent although they don’t live locally to me. My son lives with his family abroad and my daughter lives in London and works full time but both of them call or Skype me every week. My husband was their step-father but they were close to him. I feel very blessed to have them looking out for me. In many ways I am lucky.
xxx
Hi Bjane Steve and I used to go to France every year. Dover - Calais or Santander. Loved the planning with our folding camper. Meals out in the restaurants. Moules and frites, Washed down with rose. Not been for the past two years now and never likely to go again. This terrible emptiness, the tears. The longing to have Steve back is awful. The loneliness of never going anywhere now, no plans, nothing to look forward to. I know why today is bad. My friends are back from six weeks in France. They are home for two weeks and then They back again.
It’s not their fault that they are happy, excited and Enjoying life when . I feel so Wretched. I wouldn’t wish grief on anyone. Today is such a bad day.
But tomorrow might be better. One day at a time.
We are all thinking of you.
x
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I believe in being reunited with our loved ones someday, when it is our time to go. I’ve used this belief/ faith to try and restore some semblance of normality and I intend, when I’m ready, to use this same belief to force me out the house and on lots of adventures. I say this because how lovely it would be if you could venture to France again; he will be with you even if you can feel or see him.
I am not sure about you, but the last thing I want when I’m reunited with my beloved is to apologise for not living the life he would have wanted me to live. I intend to grow and be a better version of myself for when I get to him. It won’t ever be the same as if he was with me in this life, but my goodness I intend to have lots and lots of stories to tell him when we are having our first drink together. I know we will all be reunited with our loved ones. Death is not goodbye. X
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