HI Lesley.
it is indeed frightening when we think of “tomorrow” or is it what to do the next hour?
I miss seeing him sleeping TV!. or Sleeping reading. Gosh do I miss him. .
I live in London. Bristol Bridge brings memories of my darling. we used to stop there for half an hour, then continuing our journey to North Devon for coastal walks. wont be doing them any more! not without him by my side.
take care De
Dear Romy
Snap!. for the last 11 weeks I have been wearing his pyjama tops. I sleep hugging the last pyjama shorts he was wearing . Kiss his photo every morning and every night and every time I enter into the bedroom. I ask him to forgive me if I ever done anything to upset him. I ask him if he needs anything.
When I wake up in the middle of the night I say hi, where are you?. I am sleeping on his side and then I move quickly just in case he turns up.
I m driving two cars because I cant make a decision which one to sell. He liked mine and used to drive both. I haven’t touch anything in our place, all is exactly as it was back in November 13th when he went to hospital.
I have learnt to pray better and light candles every time I can……
Thanks dear Romy. A big hug De x
Dear De . I am sleeping his side of the bed too . And one of my dogs is sleeping my side now . I am driving two cars too . Can’t bring myself to sell the one he was using the most last summer . We have a garage so there’s always a few cars on the go but I’m keeping the red sports car because I feel close to him when I drive it
All sorts of weird stuff gives me comfort and there’s no harm to it so I will just carry on as best I can doing my stuff
I haven’t even washed his work clothes yet and they’ve been there six months . I like to see them in the messy heap he used to leave them in on the counter of the utility room . They are not in anyone’s way so they will probably stay there a long time
Light a nice candle tonight De
Sending you lots of love
Romy xxxxx
Hi Romy. What are we like…I’ve slept on Barry’s side of the bed and cuddled his pillow with one of his tops wrapped round it. Clothes are all still here and his guitars and all his cd’s, and his slippers, and yesterday I found a jar of his favourite olives in the back of the cupboard… That set me off.
I thought I was doing OK as I have been busy sorting paperwork getting or trying to get an electrician out to mend a light, been let down twice, and also someone to mend the cooker, doing school run, new puppy for walks on the good side have been to see my new great grandson for the third time. He wasn’t planned but he is now here . He’s adorable. I don’t know why or what has happened but this evening I feel absolutely rubbish and got all weepy and feel so alone. I should be looking at the positives but I feel as though I’m stuck, I can’t go back to the good times I know that but it’s all so exhausting and I feel like one of those clown puppets with a permanent grin on my face in public and at home with the family when they come round, they really don’t want to see me sad as they have things of their own to deal with. I really want to scream and shout but what good would that do?
Rant over, soz. … It’s good to bash the keys on the iPad
Hope you are feeling ok .hugs to you and all and hope you get some rest tonight.
Jxx
Dear June . You are doing brilliantly. You really are . But it’s exhausting and there is no reward of our husbands at the end of it so we are bound to feel down in the dumps . It’s the grief and the exhaustion . It’s never ending .
I am sure our husbands would give us all gold stars for the effort we are making and love us even more than they already did
Have a good sleep tonight if you can
We will be doing more of the same tomorrow so we need all our strength
Sending you a big hug
Romy xxxxx
Hi Romy Thanks you are right it’s so exhausting . Some days I say to myself "right lets go forward and only think of the positives, and then after keeping myself busy all day, not thinking of anything in particular , the dark night closes in, blinds closed, tv on, dinner for one and all my plans go belly up and I sit there with my dinner alone and feel sorry for myself, especially if I’ve bought something to try and don’t like it. The loneliness is what is getting to me but nobody can help with that , im glad I have the puppy even though she’s full on she gives me purpose, but it’s something I have to deal with, nothing can take the place of the life I had and nobody can help me get my head round moving forward it’s something I have to do, maybe I’ll have a light bulb moment. I keep asking him to give me a hand.
Thanks for responding Romy and I hope you are doing ok now although reading your schedule you must be exhausted when you do go to bed. Take care.hugs Jx
Hi June. SNAP, all my thoughts are exactly as yours almost seven months on from losing my husband.
I always used to walk with a local group on Thursday mornings which I restarted three months ago. I’ve just got back to the house after a bright and breezy walk , nice company, coffee and chat afterwards but it’s there normality ends! I turn the key , enter but I can’t see him sitting eating his lunch as I walk down the hall or sitting in the armchair reading a newspaper and asking if I had a nice walk. I do see him in my mind’s eye just as it used to be but he is not sitting there now and he is never , ever, ever going to be sitting there again. Of course I already knew this but sometimes it’s that sudden re-realisation as though it’s a new piece of information that I’ve only just got! that just knocks me off my feet all over again.
It’s the loneliness and knowledge that this is now my life and I am the only one able to rescue myself that’s so hard to really get to grips with.
How awful life is now for all of us that visit this site, we can only try to make each day the best it can be and take comfort from knowing we’re not alone here. I hope your day is going ok , kind wishes for that
Xx
hi thanks for your reply. What a sorry state we are all in. Its surreal I always thought that I would be able to handle my husbands death because we had quite a few scares over the years especially the last two and I’ve thought many times that one day I would be here in my own. Every time I got “that call” from the hospital I would steel myself for the worst, and rush down there and like Lazarus he bounced back. When he did died on the ship I think part of me felt "I’ve been here before " I’ve prepared myself for this as I knew it would happen as he had heart failure and lots of other heart problems. I thought logic would kick in ie and I would be able to think logically and like people say to me , we’ll he was a sick man, like how lucky I was to have him here as long as I did, but that doesn’t make me feel any better at all. People say remember the good times, yeah but that doesn’t help me go forward on my own does it. I am forced by circumstance like we all are on here to create a new life but unfortunately there are no instructions to follow. Sorry for rant. Let’s hope we get there one day. In meantime I’m going to have a cuppa and a naughty packet of rollos, don’t normally bother with chocolate but do today. Take care hugs Jx
Dear Romy et al
We are really living a nightmare aren’t we!
it has been a strange day today. Not only I am not happy to see happy people, I am suddenly envious of anyone with children even envious of any one with pets. walking in the part I have to hide my face to cry after seeing anyone with young or older children, when I see a couple or when I see the dog walkers!!, and there were hundreds of them today. As we were not blessed with children I feel really isolated from everyone. So we were only a couple not a family…….!
We were considering a dog this year after our retirement trip to Canada. then settled with a pet.
I am really feeling sorry for myself, to the point that I am physically feeling pain due to sadness. I am not a good company to anyone and have to make really an effort to follow a conversation, all I want is think of my darling. .
I haven’t been a good company to my sister who came to be with me for the first three months, now she is almost on her way back to another continent Then, I will be even more lonely. I fear I will hysterical when on my own, crying my eyes asking my husband why he left me or loudly asking God why he took him.
When I read that these feeling haven’t reduce at all after 7 , 9 12 months its frightens me. How am I going to cope? I really feel I have nothing to live for ( very sorry to my sisters, nieces and nephews) I love them dearly but I am just less than half a person and need my other half o feel complete.
sorry everyone if this does not make sense. I just have to say it!.
love to all Dex
Dear De,
All what you are feeling and saying is so natural, it’s a horrible situation we are all in. I have said all the same things. I still get days when I can’t cope, days when I think I will never stop crying. I don’t get any good days, but some are less awful than others. The feeling of wanting to be where my husband is never leaves me, but I have to fight it. I just have to hold on to the thought that we will be together again one day. That’s all we can all do. Keep talking, I am here if you want someone to talk to. I can give you my mobile number if that would help. I can talk any time day or night. You don’t need to be lonely on your own, we all feel the same.
Thinking of you
Lesley x
Dear June . I hate it when I’m on my own in the evening which isn’t very often thank goodness
But I know I will have to do it more if my youngest daughter leaves home and my mum is in her nineties but while the three of us can be together quite a lot of the time in my house then we will make the most of it
I just live for the day
What happened to my husband was so unexpected that I don’t plan very far ahead and pack everything I can into every day
I might be exhausted but I am doing lots of stuff that needs doing
I hope you are ok tonight
Going to watch telly now . I usually do by 9 !
Sending big hugs
Romy xxxxx
Dear De . It’s best to get it off your chest . It’s hard to deal with heartbreak and grief
Perhaps you should still go ahead and get a pet
My dogs have really been a comfort to me . They make you go out for walks . You have to think of them and not just yourself so they are a good distraction and lovely to cuddle and stroke
Grief is physically painful especially in the beginning but the physical pain has eased with me over the past 6 months . It’s the shock I think
I do hate to be on my own too
Have you got family in the UK ? You said your sister is going back to another continent ?
Have you actually retired yet ?
What do you do ? Can you continue to work to give your life some structure ?
I have had to work since the day after my husband died because it is a family business
It has been hard but has distracted me
Reply when you can
Romy xxxx
I’ve been flicking through the TV channels this evening and an observation has just struck me. There is a programme about everything - marriage, birth, nature, relationships, friends etc etc etc. Everything that encapsulates life. There are no programmes about loss and grief. This is not helpful and to me epitomises the “British” attitude that grief and loss are somewhat indulgent weaknesses, best not laboured and meant to be swept under the carpet. To live consists of birth - living ( which involves ups and downs) - death. There is undoubtably a preoccupation in the media for birth and living and an avoidance of death. This is not helpful nor healthy for those of us who rely on the media for direction. Are there any programmes out there worth watching that will help us navigate through our grief?
Very good point,you’re absolutely right.The radio is a bit better,radio 4 covers topics now and again that are relevant to our situations.It would help us to understand more what is ‘normal’ when you’re grieving instead we have to rely on each other and our counsellors.I have been getting a lot of physical symptoms lately on top of the emotional pain and I think( but don’t know ) if it is all related,I fainted a few times am really dizzy most of the time,achey lethargic fast heart rate and get the shakes quite a lot.I am seeing the dr next week.Is anyone else experiencing similar?Going back to what you said,there are loads of medical programmes on tv but i’ve never seen anything touch on the subject of how grief affects your body as well as your brain.Love to you all ,Corinna xxx
Yes Corrina, touch wood I’ve not been to bad physically. I had no idea about the physical impact bereavement can have on the body. I’ve downloaded the BBC Sounds app on my phone as I do like a podcast when out with my dog. Will see what I can find. I honestly think if I hadn’t discovered this forum I would have gone mad. It is so sad that losing our loved ones has brought us together. Maybe a documentary on the importance and support of this site - and we could all have leading roles! Rain off - heading out with the dog to clear the head. Love to all. Cx
Hi Romy I have been reading all,the posts on here and the thread running through seems to be the loneliness we all feel, all out on a limb. I was watching Paul McKenna and he was saying to surround yourself with positive people. Well that’s easier said than done. At the moment I seem to be surrounded with people who have problems if it’s not health problems, it’s serious family issues, or money worries, so it’s ok saying talk to friends and family when feeling down but how can I , so that is why this forum is so good. Like one of the ladies said on here people say “call round anytime” and I did that at first but on a few occasions I felt as though I was in the way, they were either going out, or not feeling well, or busy so I don’t do that anymore, and I don’t phone them either.
Take care hugs Jx
Can I recommend “Ramblings” with Claire Balding. There are one or two about grief, all set to a nice walk.Look out for one set in York.
Dear Roy and Corinna .
I had terrible vertigo last week
Never had it before
Drs think it’s stress related
Romy xxxx
I read your post about that,hope you’re feeling better now (physically)It’s scary feeling poorly and being alone without my lovely to look after me,he spoilt me so much for the whole of my adult life,I am so lost without him, xx
I agree,this site is amazing,I only want to surround myself now with people who understand,and you guys certainly understand,it is sad that we have been brought together because of our pain,but as I keep saying,thank goodness we have each other.Oh and thanks for making me smile,you may have hit on something there’ Sue Ryder the movie’ !? Love to everyone xx