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Dear Romy thanks so much.
I have done nothing but cried all day today but have been work two walks already.
love to everyone xxx
sorry pressed wrong keys ā¦ā¦. have gone to two walks already ( not work)!. cant even think about it !.
De x
Hello De,
Your not on your own, Iām having a bad day today too. I think itās just that it is the weekend again, usually we would be doing stuff together. We loved our time off. I hate the weekend now. The weather is awful so a walk isnāt going to happen.
Thinking of you, feeling the same as me, and a lot of other people too.
Lesley x
Weekends can be rubbish I agree xxx
Hi
Weekends are horrible I just try to work as many as I can. Iām on nights this weekend as I would rather be in work where I can cope than sitting alone in despair.
For me itās getting worse the loneliest Iāve ever been in my life. I now survive for my kids only. Sorry for being so down.
Take care William
Dear Romy, here we are with a Sunday stretching out before us. Maybe youāll actually get to do one of those things you have been thinking about. Such a busy life compared to mine. We were married 40 years ago todayā¦sadly no rubies for me. My heart is so thankful for the 38 years, 8 months & 8 days we had as husband & wife. I have a plan to go on a little trip todayā¦hope itās a better day for all of us, x
Dear Rainbow,
Just letting you know I will be thinking of you today. Hope you manage to get out, at least for a while.
Lesley x
Dear Rainbow
A very emotional day for you today then
I hope your trip goes well
Let us know about it when you come back later
Iām not sure what Iām doing today
I may go and visit a family friend who is in hospital having slipped on ice and has multiple fractures and /or take some early birthday presents to a friend who is being treated for breast cancer
Just writing that down shows me how lucky I am personally with my own health . I have coeliac disease which can be troublesome on occasions but is nothing in comparison to what some people have to deal with
My children and their boyfriends and my mum will all be having dinner here tonight . We always do on a Sunday and always did when my husband was alive so we carry on the tradition . We all like to be together except my father in law who now shuns us . People deal with grief in their own ways and he was always welcome . Anyway thatās another story
I hope your day goes as well as it can Rainbow . Buy yourself a little gift . You deserve something to recognise the occasion and the love you have shared for so many years . Choose a card for you both
Sending lots of love
Romy xxxxx
All my trips have been rebranded as adventures. Iām hoping that each trip into the āunknownā may be full of the unexpected, things of interest and have a happy ending. Not too much drama.
I remember our 40th wedding anniversary so well as the first signs of my wifeās illness were just making themselves known. It was one of the last great family occasions. I hope you can have some sort of worthwhile treat today, it being so special. Just getting off and doing it will be a triumph of the will.
Dear Lesley
Hope your week-end has been bereable.
We used to do everything together as well and also week ends were special.
He was my all and sometimes now i feel useless, worthless, insecure, incompetent and guilty and bad for ever having any argument with him. Why on earth did i worry that he didnt know where to put things back, or put the cushions on the floor, ir left the chester drawers open. Was i that petty. really? What a waste of time!!!
Any way its all toi hard and hope we can all find that inner peace we are looking for to complement the love we have for our dearest ones.
De xxxxx
Dear De,
I have had all those thoughts, why did I moan, why did I waste time going on about trivial stuff. But none of us have the benefit of hindsight, if we did we would all have made the most of our time better. I spend hours thinking back to my old life, it seems so far away now, but it was a hell of a good life !! I am grateful for that. So please donāt feel bad about little arguments you may have had, try to think back to the lovely times. This is what I try and do, it doesnāt always happen. I get days when I donāt stop crying, I still get lots of panic attacks, I get days when I donāt think I can go on. I am just trying to manage these time and emotions. I try and balance things.
Never feel that you are alone in these thoughts, we all think the same. I still resent people that are happy, resent couples.
I would give anything to have my old life back.
Here if you want to chat.
Lesley x
Thank you dear Lesley.
Can you believe it? I cannot think of any happy moment and we have so many but I cannot recall any. as if as soon one memory comes closer the curtain goes down. and I only see the last three months.
I hate our last holidays now as I think he may have been ill but neither of us knew it then. a bit of pain blamed to lifting the this and that and tired with our hectic two weeks which happened to be more of city breaks than what we most enjoy, country side.
whilst I am writing I get something in my throat that goes right deep into my soul and changes into fear and anguish. yes, happy people are not in my good books at the moment and i feel that childless couples are really sad people like me. My biggest biggest failure. I deprived a beautiful kind and selfless human being of such a beautiful gift ( another painful story for a different forum).
Sorry bad week-endā¦ā¦ any way I will get on probate papers to even get more depressā¦ my darling should be helping me with all this, and we should be doing it to help someone else. .
Take care De xx
De,
You will get pat this bit, honestly you will. My husband was taken so unexpectedly, I had absolutely no idea he was ill. I blamed myself so so long, I thought how could I have not noticed he was ill. What kind of wife was I. I am medical, I should have known, I felt Iād let him down. But slowly Iām getting there. I hate the life Iām left with, I do what I have to do and no more. Itās been 8 months, I only on last Friday told the bank what had happened, I couldnāt do it before because I didnāt want his name taken off the bank account. I havenāt activated any pensions payouts. Still in denial I suppose. So Iām not in a good place myself, but at some point we have to accept it. I hated looking back, I too couldnāt remember any good times, now I can. I know I had a good life before, I had it all. And it was amazing. We went skiing every year, that was our thing. I wonāt ever go again, but I have all that to look back on, 40 years of holidays. 40 years of the best life ever, nothing can take that away from me. He was mine, again, nothing can change that, he was my life !
You will get those memories back, if I can, anyone can, I was so close to ending it all, and that was not so long ago. We will get bad days and not so bad days. And maybe we might in time get an ok day.
Iām not saying it just takes time, Iām really not.
Keep chatting, I canāt change anything for you, I wish I could. But I can chat !!
Here for you
Lesley x
Dear Lesley. thank you so much. i think we can just copy and paste our words, feelings with little difference in circumstancesā¦ It does not make any difference if it is only one month three or eight. I decided to apply for probate myself, but it has been painful. I am not interested in accounts, sole accounts, 50%'s no %,s in whose name was what. it was what it was and we were happy the way it was. it hurts to change things.
I know that bad place very well, so keep persevering. It going to be a long train journey and some stops are going to be less pleasant than others, some more dangerous and others very safe. Here for you too
take care De xx
Hi De,
Yes we are very similar. Time seems to be standing still and moving fast ? All at the same time. Itās all very painful and confusing. People say all the wrong things to me, and I get hurt by things so easily now. But I think unless you walk in our shoes, they canāt understand. This site is so supportive. There is always someone to chat too, I always get an answer when I need it.
Lesley X
Hi everybody. Reading things you have all said has helped me. 5 months now since I lost my beloved partner and feel worse now than ever. I try to sleep cuddling his old everyday cardigan. His clothes are still in his wardrobe and his drawers full of sock and hankies etcā¦lilypetal. x
Sundayās are especially sad for as he died on a Sunday at 2.15 pm. I was with him when he died and that will forever be there on Sunday for me. X
Dear Lilypetal,
Weekends are the worst anyway, but added for you on Sundayās. I feel for you. Monday morning will soon be here.
Hope you are alright.
Lesley x
Dear Julie how are you doing. Thinking of you
De x