Hi Rachel, glad to hear today is a bit better for you , it’s so up and down and unpredictable isn’t it. I got thrown yesterday when I bumped into someone who’d only just heard and was only being nice. Feel I’m turning into someone I don’t recognise, apathetic, jealous , unappreciative, the list goes on. Wonder how long before we feel human again
?! Glad you’re getting help, let me know how it goes, good luck and love xxxx
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Oh, bjane, I know…Today, woke up, wracked with anxiety, had a cry… It’s hard, bumping into people. I had to meet with my Clinical Lead and a Physio appeared and said how sorry she was to hear about my Dad - and I just couldn’t speak! I don’t know how I will be - nursing patients! I recognise those negative feelings. Sometimes, I feel anger and resentment. I had to stop watching the news - all about covid - “only 222 people died today, only 89 people died today, only 11 people died today…” blah blah… When my Dad died of covid, I was so angry that his death was just another statistic. I wrote to numerous MPs and got a few responses - usual guff… It’s painful being burdened with all this negativity plus loss and bereavement, your life completely changed, your sense of self completely changed, your future just full of white emptiness. I know that many people think, he was old, he had dementia, but he was my Dad and held the world in place for me, when I was a child, and my Mum had severe mental health problems. He was a source of protection and comfort for me and we really loved each other. I know how you feel about turning into someone you don’t recognise. I feel the same way. I wonder if others here feel the same. I can’t imagine feeling happy again! Everyone says it takes time but it’s agonising. Counselling starts later on today. Feel massively nervous. The NHS Trust offered me 6 free bereavement counselling sessions - then declined me any more. Thanks NHS. After all we give to the System! So having to start from scratch with a new counsellor - but I am grateful to Cruse. Hope today is peaceful for you. Rachel xxxx
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Hello Rachel, so agree with you , all that clapping for the NHS but when it comes down to it how valued are you by the people who make the decisions? It’s disgraceful, we owe so much to all of you and they say stupid things like giving you a medal! A pay rise, free parking, and that’s just for starters! I feel this leadership has no heart .To sound happy about “only” a certain number of deaths is just unbelievable, those are people who were loved, friends, parents, family members, leaving thousands of grieving people feeling so bitter they can’t grieve properly. Your dad wasn’a statistic, he was your much loved dad , your, rock, your anchor ,and this government’s insensitivity makes it all so much harder to bear. Hope you get a lovely empathetic counsellor and it all goes well. Will be thinking of you. A great big hug x
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Hi bjane, you wrote exactly how I feel x The NHS makes mistakes but it can be amazing. Considering we are 40 000 nurses short in England alone - I think we’re doing good work. Covid has just made it hellish but, at the end of the day, the Government must be held to account for the NHS and even more for Social Care… My little Dad was just the best and didn’t deserve to die like that, bless him… The counselling with Cruse was very good. I really liked my counsellor. She was lovely, kind, easy to talk to. The NHS counsellor kept challenging me about being burnt out and not returning to work - when all I really need is to talk about my Dad! Anyone else reading this, please think about Cruse. I was very impressed and felt a lot better after the session x How was your day, bjane? Did you do anything nice for you? XXX
So glad you had a lovely counsellor Rachel, was thinking about you today and hoping it all went well. Will think about Cruse counselling, sometimes we have to accept that we need that sort of support, hard when you’re the one used to doing that. Nothing very interesting today, took some paperbacks to our phone box library , delivered a birthday card tried to sort out some of Malcolm’s papers,cds, etc. Stupidly I listened to a lot of his Bob Dylan, Rolling Stones , all the music he loved. So I sat and cried for ages but think it was cathartic in a way and I feel a bit more at peace somehow. Strange what grief does to us isn’t it, I sometimes wonder if I’m going crazy! Hope you start feeling some peace too, Don’t push yourself too hard, lots of love xxx
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Hi Rachel,
Sorry I haven’t messaged in a few days, but have been reading the posts. Glad to hear your counselling with cruse went ok and the counsellor was nice and easy to talk to. Hopefully it will help you.
Lots of love xx
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Hi bjane, I think about you too & how your day is x I think that’s great to listen to Bob Dylan, Rolling Stones - Malcolm had great taste in music! I was listening to “If I ever leave this world alive” by Flogging Molly - an old fave but the words took on a completely new meaning this time and I wept and felt comforted all at the same time. Grief is the weirdest thing… I had to laugh as our day was quite similar - I went to the Library and posted a Birthday Card too! You’re not going crazy, bjane, you’re adjusting to a forever changed life without Malcolm, who you loved and who loved you. I still love my Dad, you still love Malcolm - and we will feel like this until we take our last breath - and that’s love and it’s ok x Have a look at the Cruse website and see how you feel. It really helps me to talk to someone removed from the situation. We talk as a family but it’s painful for all of us. All the Grandparents have passed now and they were such a lovely part of our lives - we were so blessed by them being in our lives x Wishing you a peaceful day. Get that music on - sing, dance, cry - do what you need to do. Big hug xxx
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Hey Steph, thank you, it was a really positive experience. I found this counsellor really easy to talk to and I felt uplifted afterwards instead of that terrible anxiety. I know it’s all up and down but it was a welcome relief. I hope you’re ok and getting there. Big hug xxx
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Thank you for your lovely reply yes he did have good taste in music and also played bass gotta. Hope you’re feeling okay today , your love for your Dad will never die, such a strong bond. Still miss mine after nearly 20 years, but I’m a different way. Not raw now, peaceful and almost happy. I wish that for you, it will happenI promise but takes a long time. Love and hugsxxx
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He played bass guitar! This phone! Driving me insane!! Sorryx
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Will look at the Cruse website, thank you for telling me it’s worth looking at 
x
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Hey bjane, Malcolm sounds FAB, bless him xxx
Rome 7784
Dear all
I agree your friends do drift but it is better to have one decent friend who understands than a lot.l lost my husband 7 months ago and mum and dad 7 years.lt is hard but we have good memories of happy times.It is hard and l will never get over this.However l take one day as a time baby steps in the valley of grief and hopefully there is light at the end of the dark tunnel.
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Thinking of you . You have had it hard but you are being very brave and I can totally understand what you say about grief, baby steps and light at the end of the tunnel. Keep Going. Find something that makes you feel a little better whatever small thing that may be its ok to give yourself a wee treat. Look after yourself a bit just now after all who else will. Right now I am allowing myself an addiction to those very small pink and white marshmallows. Personally I know its the sugar kick that I have got addicted to but it could be worse and its ok to have a wee treat just now. And I am drinking a lot of smoothies., Do what you need to do to get you through. Cherish your memories. And take care.
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Sorry didnt get back to you I missed this post so I am telling you now thank you for your thots and your virtual hug and sending one right back. Sometimes a virtual hug from someone who understands means the world. Thanks again.
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Here’s another big hug xxx Keep smiling xxx
A big hug to all this morning. Hope you are all ok today, well not really ok but you know what Zi mean. I think I mean just able to get through the day and do the little things we need to do. And if we do it without crying our eyes out at every turn that’s a bonus. I have just passed the three month stage and also Malcolm’s birthday, so maybe that counts as two baby steps. Hope your counselling is still going well Rachel and you feel you’re getting some benefit from it. And thank you for saying that,Malcolm was fab!! It made me smile, thinking of that.
Hope Steph and Meebee find today is kinder to you. Sending many hugs xx
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Hi bijane,
You got through Malcom’s birthday, it’s so hard all of the first’s and probably the seconds and thirds etc, but we get through it as what else can we do.
It was my wedding anniversary two weeks ago and I had a terrible day, but I got through it.
Weekends are hard for everyone, but with all the support from the lovely people on here, it makes it a little bit easier.
Hope you’re ok.
Sending a hug xx
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bjane, well done x Malcolm would be proud of you xxx
Thank you Steph and Rachel! Sorry you had a bad day on your wedding anniversary it’s so hard isn’t it, when you’ve lost your soul mate. Our anniversary is the end of the month and will be the same for me. Dark days. but somehow we get through them. How are you doing Rachel, counselling going well still? I think about you both a lot , well we have time to think don’t we. Thank you for your support, you are definitely two of those lovely people on here!! Love and a big hug x
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