Reading these messages make me see I am not only one going through these feelings. Within 18 months I lost my father, my father in law and then my husband of 48 years, slowly people understandably got back to their lives, I have a son who lives away but I always tell him I’m fine. During lockdown I coped fine but now seeing people meeting family and friends and I’ve no one to meet is really getting to me. I’ve arthritis so can’t even go out for a walk, life sucks.
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Thanks, bjane x Next Counselling is on Tuesday. I volunteer in a Charity Shop so went in today, to say hello, they’re very friendly and supportive. I would recommend volunteering to anyone, looking to learn skills and meet new people. A big step when you’re bereaved but, luckily for me, I was doing this before Dad died - so it’s lovely to be amongst people who are not in the NHS - for a change! Anyway, bjane, keep chatting about Malcolm x How long were you together? Will you plan something special on the day…be with family, raise a glass of something cold and fizzy, play some of his favourite music? Tell us about Malcolm - did he make you laugh? teach you the guitar? where did you like to go together? x Have a peaceful day. Lots of love xxx
Rachel, you’re sounding a lot better, hope you
Keep that positive feeling, sounding good! I have started to feel I’ve accepted what’s happened noes and realise there’s not a thing I can do to change it or turn back the clock, although I would give anything to be able to. Malcolm was quite quiet and deep, the kindest most caring person you would ever meet. I always felt protected and safe with him, just as you had done with your Dad and when we lose them we feel cast adrift and vulnerable. So hard and so lonely, but we were lucky they were in our lives and gave us so much.To answer your question we met at college and would have been married 49 years this time. Not quite sure whatI’ll do, all so difficult anyway a a with the effect of Covid, probably raise a glass , listen to his music and cry my eyes out! Anniversaries are like Valentines to me. , just personal for the one you share it with. And no, he didn’t teach me guitar, he did try bit I wasn’t very good!! Glad you seem to be starting to heal a little. Lots of love and a big hugxxxxx
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Zenda, I know how you feel. Knowing everyone is going to be able to start picking up their lives again, enjoying all the lovely things they used to do with family and partners is really hard to accept. We know we’ll never be able to do any of those thing ever again, not with our loved ones, and I know the heartbreak it brings. It makes me feel bitter and O hate feeling that way but I find being able to vent on here really helps, everyone understands. Take carex
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Thank you, bjane x I feel that I am about to turn a corner. I understand the feeling of starting to accept it all but also wanting to go back in time. It’s a strange feeling. It was lovely to read your description of Malcolm. I can hear that he was a Blessing to you and a joy in your life x My Dad was deteriorating physically and mentally before he died. I so wanted to “keep” him but he was suffering. I know he is in a beautiful place how and he is free and complete… 49 years of Marriage - that’s amazing! I have been married for 22 years. I hope you plan something special on your Anniversary - a glass of wine and, who knows, maybe you will strum that guitar? I bet Malcolm would be laughing and smiling! Have a blessed day. Sending love & a big hug xxxxx
Rachel, glad to hear you feel like that, your last post had sounded like you were feeling a little bit like you were starting to come out the other side.I don’t think we’ll ever stop missing them
or wishing things had been different . But we both loved th so much that we are able to appreciate that keeping them here at any cost was not the right thing for them. Malcolm had been slowing down somehow over the last few months, I hadn’t really noticed because I was with him all the time , but friends have since said that. Plus he had a massive stroke and I prayed that he wouldn’t survive as he would have hated to be dependent, he was the one who liked to look after everyone Yes, will probably have a glass of his favourite red(u (ughhh!!)and maybe a quick strum, now that would make him laugh, I’m so hopeless. !! Keep those lovely spirits up, lots of love
Thank you, bjane, for all the encouragement, it really helps x I have been an RN for 29 years and I made the decisions for my parents that their lives wouldn’t be prolonged and just add to their suffering. It wasn’t easy but these were the best decisions. My Mum was always out and about, seeing friends, gardening - and she would have hated to be bedridden. The same with my Dad. Back in October, he was out shopping. meeting friends, going out for lunch, walking independently - and then the falls and the infections started - worsening Lewy Body Dementia - then frailty and deterioration. It was painful, watching him die and initially, all I could think was “don’t leave me” but then I saw him suffering so I told him to be free, to let go. I have nursed patients post stroke and seen the despair of the family. You were brave praying that Malcolm would not survive - as you know him best and what he could/could not accept. It is kinder, braver and more compassionate to let that person go, to be free. It is devastating but it’s also love for that person. I know that my Dad is in Heaven, a new being, free of the broken body and deteriorating mind that he had here and I thank God x You raise that glass of red and strum that guitar - give thanks for the love you shared, be proud of Malcolm and be proud of yourself for travelling so far xxx
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Lovely to be able to talk to you Rachel, thank you for being so understanding and kind.An amazing nurse, so compassionate. How are you feeling today? Nothing’s going to take the emptiness away but some days inexplicably feel better than others. Hope you’re having one of those sort. The nurses that cared for Malcolm were angels, so kind to us too, I even got a hug when I wasn’t supposed to! I bet that’s the sort of thing you’d do. Yesterday a live band playing down the road when we went to get our takeaway Sunday roast were playing one the songs he used to do, years ago. Really knocked me for six, had a cry at home and dug ourt all his song books with the music annotated and sang along with some of them. Kept away from the guitars though! You have a nice day, almost sunny here, and keep thinking lovely thoughts of your dear Dad and Mum. Sending lots of love 
x
Hi bjane, it’s really lovely to be able to talk to you too x Today was a lovely day, met a friend and had a picnic by the lake - to celebrate her Birthday. Talked about my Dad. Also texted a friend about how it was when my Dad died - I felt sad but it was good to write it all down and text it away. It was real and it did happen… So glad the Nurses were kind to you and Malcolm and hugs are so important. Frightened relatives need to be held and supported. They’re often facing something they’ve never experienced before. Those moments are etched on our memories… The Carers held me when my Dad died as we stood there in full ppe - but I really needed them to and I will never forget them and what they did for my Dad and what they gave to me. They were just love itself x Well done you, playing the music, singing along. It’s good to cry. I know it’s exhausting but it does release some of the pain x Bought some lovely red and orange roses to take to Dad’s grave tomorrow. Keep singing, bjane. Lots of Love, Rachel xxx
Hello Rachel, I’m so glad you had a lovely day, those , you’re sounding so much brighter and that makes me so happy. Those roses sound beautiful, my son came to see me from London for the first time last week and those were the exact same colour roses he brought me. Your Dad will love them! Hope your days keep being lovely. Lots of love xxx
Forgot to say, just off to listen to the Rolling Stones to cheer myself up!! Xxx
Hi bjane x oh thank you, starting to feel that I can look back and look a bit ahead now. Initially, when Dad died, the future felt like this immense, white space despite the fact, I have my husband and 2 daughters. I felt so guilty feeling like that. My friend, Libby, who has also lost both of her parents, said that she felt the same way and felt like a child again when her last parent died. Maybe it’s because so much of you leaves with them, all your childhood, people you knew all your life… How lovely to see your son and be together again. Lockdown has just added to the agony of bereavement and so many families are suffering. I hope you had a lovely day with him x Have my 2nd Cruse counselling today then taking the roses to Dad’s grave… Hope you have a lovely day. Enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful skies. Play the Rolling Stones full blast!!! Lots of Love xxx
Hello Rachel, lovely to hear you sounding as if you’ve turned a corner of sorts. So pleased, you deserve to be happy. Hope your counselling goes well today and you get some comfort from your Dad!s lovely roses. I just looked at mine as I came in ancc dc thought of you and your dad. Losing your last parent is a heartbreak, whatever your age and I remember my Dad, when he must have been about 50 being crushed when my Grandad died. I still remember him saying “I’m an orphan now” and I thought how odd , at that age. But I was young then with not much life experience. I understand now though really felt it when my dad diedMy mum had died at 56 so it had just been the two off us for such a long time.Go and have a lovely chat to him and have a good day. Lots of love xxxx
Hi bjane, Hope you’re having a good day. Enjoy your roses from your Son x I put the roses on Dad’s grave and sat there for a while and read Psalm 23. I read this to him over and over in his last week. Your comment was touching. I do feel orphaned. I have friends whose parents died before mine and I thought I understood what they were going through but it’s only now, and having lived through the experience myself, that I really know the depth of the feelings. I hope you have people around you who understand how it feels for you to be separated from Malcolm. It must be very very painful. When Dad died, I was very fearful of losing other family members and I remember thinking, “I can’t get close to too many people otherwise I’ll have to keep going through this terrible pain when they die”. Grief makes you think and feel some random stuff. It’s such a weird time where you know that you are the not the same person again, that you are changed by grief and loss. Your Mum was young when she passed away. My Mum died 3 years ago, a month after my Mother in law died at home from cancer. I was always close to my Dad but we became even closer when it was just him and me. My elder sister has practically zero contact with the family - but, you know, her loss. I hope you get to see your Son again soon and I hope you have something lovely planned for today. I know that my Dad wouldn’t want me to be sad and grieving him forever. He would say “Rachel, get back out there, remember me sometimes…” I nursed a wonderful woman who was dying from cancer and her motto was " get your lippy on, have a swig of gin and get back out there!" It’s what her Mum always said to her and it became the motto of the Nurses on the Chemo Unit I worked in! Remember, Malcolm would always want the very best for you x We CAN do this - for them and ourselves. Love & hugs. Rachel xxx
Hello Rachel, it’s always lovely to hear from you. Glad you got to spend some special time with your Dad, hope reading and talking to him brings you comfort. I think our own little families keep us sane, although our one son who lives next door sounds a little bit how you felt. He’s so protective and anxious about me catching coronavirus, keeping people at a distance, even our other son and daughter when they came last week! When you lose someone the more you loved the more you hurt. Malcolm was a great softie , he always said he never wanted a cat every time yet another stray was produced by me. But when our latest one died a couple of years ago he cried his eyes out and couldn’t hold him while he was put to sleep, that was my job. He said he couldn’t bear to have another as it was too painful when they die. . Will definitely get one now lockdown’s eased.He had just asked a couple of months before he died if we were going to get another one. Loved the gin , lippy and get out there , will do. Going for a drink with a friend this afternoon, make mine a g and t ! Take care and keep in touch, hope you have a good day. Lots of lovexxx
Hi bjane, I look forward to our messages x Bless your son, looking after you - but glad you got to see your other children too. You all need each other at this time. I haven’t heard from my sister since May despite sending her texts and emails - but I keep in touch with cousins and my Dad’s school chums (both aged 82!) They were friends from the age of 14 - so it’s great having people around who really knew my Dad at all stages of his life x We love cats too. My Dad loved cats. I put a photo of him, aged 14, holding his cat Murphy, in the funeral booklet. Murphy developed an iconic status throughout our family history and was nothing short of a superhero - in my Dad’s eyes! I have 2 cats - Timmy and Leah. Timmy is snoozing beside me as I type. Hope you get a cat soon. Pets are such a comfort… This morning, I went to the Charity Shop that I volunteer in. So lovely to be amongst friends and in the shop. Have a lovely afternoon with your friend. Remember - lippy, gin and get out there. You can do it! Lots of Love, Rachel xxx
Me too Rachel. Don’t know what your weather’s like but it’s pouring down in Yorkshire and I was thinking I’m glad you’re not putting roses on your Dad’s grave in this! So nice to be able to talk to people who knew your Dad when he was young, it’s good for you to hear about his life when he was growing up. I love that his cat was Murphy , there’s definitely a beer connection here, we had a Tetley and a Webster! Good that you’ve got back to your charity shop, back into some sort of normality.I used to volunteer at our local Oxfam but then work hours changed and I had to stop . I think Malcolm was relieved, he said it cost us a fortune for mr to volunteer, I kept coming home with all sorts of stuff!! I used to love mooching around in them but even now they’re open I don’t feel like I want to, possessions don’t seem important any more. I was always buying clothes, shoes, handbags and I’ve just realised how unnecessary they all are. Am having massive clear out for charity shop when they start taking donations again. It feels quite liberating! Have a good day , stroke your cats for me and I hope you’re having better weather!! Lots of lovex
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Hi bjane, …Awhh Yorkshire…what a fab place. Just back from Whitby - we go every year. Love it there! I’m in Oxfordshire - warm, muggy and then got quite chilly. Rain is on its way… I love your cats names. We also have a hamster called Miss Bubs! Malcolm’s comment about you and the charity shop buying made me laugh out loud! I’ve been on a No new shopping phase for 3 years but allowed myself to buy in charity shops - and then I was buying tons of stuff there so have had to stop! After not mindlessly shopping a while and after multiple bereavements - and packing up multiple houses of relatives’ stuff, storing it, donating it, chucking it out - I learnt that none of this stuff matters really and sort of weighs me down. My Mother was a hoarder and it took me 18 months to empty her house and I just can’t hoard so always de-cluttering and a bag of stuff went to the charity shop this morning. You’re right, it’s so liberating. When my Dad was buried, a lot of his personal things went in the coffin with him. He had more stuff than Tutankhamun. I put in some Birthday cards his Mum gave him when he was in his late 20s. My previous counsellor questioned me as to why I didn’t keep them. He’d kept them till his death at 82 so I felt they were important to him and should be with him on his final journey x Timmy is curled up at my feet. I’ve told him you said “hello”. Hope you get a lovely cat soon. Hope you had a good day. Lots of Love xxx ps we are Leeds United supporters…x
Wow you are amazing volunteering and working for the nhs. What a special caring person you are.
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Hi Meebee, I would recommend volunteering to anyone and everyone… I did it as I felt so bogged down and stressed working in the NHS - and I wanted to be amongst people in a different environment and learn new skills. I just love working in the charity shop. We meet so many different people and some really vulnerable people - it opens your eyes. Anyone thinking of volunteering, take a deep breath and try it… Going back into the NHS in August. Bit scared. If it gets too stressful or I feel overwhelmed then I’ll resign. Been an RN for 30 years - so maybe it’s time to move on, especially after my Dad died of covid…will have to see. Anyway, have a blessed day xxx
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