Hello Rachel, how are you today? I think putting those special cards into your Dad’s coffin was lovely, it somehow feels important for them to have meaningful things with them wherever they are going. Our three grandchildren, three children and partners and I wrote him a letter each, sending h in his way surrounded by love. I also found the dress I wore on our first date( competition for your Mum in the hoarding stakes??!!) and sent that with him too. He always remembered that dress and mentioned it, which was quite unlike him really. Must have made a big impression!! I think you’ve done far more than your share for the NHS , you are amazing. Time to look after you now, see how you go in August anyway. . Glad you like Whitby. we used to go to the east coast lots, usually Filey but Whitby too. Have you been to that lovely fish restaurant overlooking the sea, much better than the famous one! Don’t know Oxford but our nephew got married there and we said we’d love to go back and explore.But nobody knows what the future holds and it’s probably good that we don’t . Yes thank you, had a lovely lunch yesterday, no lippy , not really a lippy girl, but did the gin!! 
Take Carr of yourself and enjoy the rest of your time at home. Lots of love xxxx
Hi bjane, I so look forward to your messages! You always make me smile x How lovely that everyone wrote letters for Malcolm - and how lovely to put your dress in too (see, you were meant to keep it) x When I was planning Dad’s funeral, the Undertaker said we could put anything in as he was being buried. They’d buried a man in full fishing gear with every rod! I put in so many things for my Dad - a letter from me, books, photos, maps, water colour paints and brushes, a chess set, a deck of cards, his slippers, his favourite shirt, some aftershave, a bar of chocolate - and a bottle of cider - my Dad was a Bristol Boy - from The Wild West! I find it a comfort to think of these things being with him x We love Whitby and we’ve been to Filey. Such a beautiful coastline. My Husband lived in Richmond when he was a little boy - before the family moved south. Whitby is very special - we got engaged at the end of the Pier there! We have been to the Fish Restaurant overlooking the sea - it’s my Husband’s favourite as well! Oxford is lovely but I am a Bristol Girl at heart - and that’s where home is to me x I think you’re right that it’s good that we don’t know the future. If I’d known in advance what the past decade would bring, I would have not have been able to face it. Grief changes us so much and you can never really assume anything… How lovely that you have 3 Grandchildren. My daughters are 20 and 16 so no Grandchildren yet. I have friends who are Grandmas and they love it. I can imagine that your Grandchildren are a real comfort to you x Anyway, pour yourself a large gin, keep de-cluttering and have a lovely day! xxx
Hi
Regarding volunteering. Afraid charity shops not my cup of tea and I wasn’t ready or interested in the early days of my loss. However when I did feel ready I found something that interested me. However I was given an application form that really did stop me. Pages of it. Wanted to know what my schools were, exams passed, since the age of 11 years. Could I even remember that far back!!!. I was only volunteering to do some gardening which I have plenty of experience with. I was asked to help at a local charity shop but then found out I would have to go on a training course, to do what, sort through bags of clothes. I had spent 36 years working in the public sector. with responsible positions and been through all the police checks previously. I had also worked as a PA before that. Needless to say I gave up on the idea. Too much hassle. I do now help out at a local church when needed. I keep myself busy and have plenty to do but it was an eye opener.
Hello Rachel, sorry so late, but daughter , partner and granddaughter arrived A lovely surprise! Your messages make me smile too, I laughed at the thought of the full fishing gear and rods!! Can’t do that sort of thing a at the end of the pier at Whitbywith a cremation! Well, your Dad was certainly well equipped for any eventuality wherever he was going, that’s so lovely and so thoughtful. How romantic, getting engaged at the end of the pier at Whitby, will think of you if I can ever bring myself to got here again. Going to our special places without him seems impossible to think of at the moment, I know some people say they go for their partner, on their behalf but couldn’t go without him, it would be too painful. So you have two daughters, one at school and what does the other one do.? Lovely to have family isn’t it. Must tell you, nearly have a cat! Our son’s been looking on rescue sites for ages but couldn’t find one I liked. He said I’m very difficult! But we’ve found one that looks perfect and going to see him on Monday, all so difficult with them being fostered because of COVID 19! Fingers crossed it all goes well, will
let you know!! Have a good day tomorrow and hope you do something happy and nice. Lots of love xxxx
Gosh, that all sounds over the top. Not surprised they put you off… Glad you found something that suits you.
Hi bjane, How lovely to have your family visit. Hope you had the best time x My cousin came to visit today. Haven’t seen her for 20 years! We went to visit Dad’s grave. It was lovely to see her and remember all the family from our childhoods… My eldest daughter is finishing her 2nd year at University and works part time as a carer, visiting people in their homes. Hurrah that you’re getting a cat! I hope it all goes well tomorrow. Write and let me know. Good Luck! xxx
Hello Rachel, his lovely to have a visit from your cousin, talking about past family life is really nice isn’t it, bringing your Dad closer to you. I love talking to people who knew Malcolm years ago, it sort of puts things into perspective somehow. Sounds like your daughter is taking after you in her lovely caring role, you must be very proud of her. So excited about the cat, hope I pass the vetting bit! Will let you know. Oh, and forgot to say, Malcolm supported Leeds U, very happy about that! He would have been delighted at how well they’ve done! Lovely to hear from you, have a good rest of the day. Lots of love xx
Hi bjane, So glad you’re getting your cat - I’m sure you’ll pass the vetting bill. So lovely to have a new furry friend around x Have been in contact with lots of cousins and posting off family photos and stuff that are more meaningful to them… Today, I am having my 3rd counselling with Cruse and then I have to speak to Occy Health about returning to work next week. Bit daunted about coping with the covid patients but trying not to think too much about it… Hope you have a lovely day planned. Overjoyed to hear Malcolm supported Leeds United…“Marching on Together!” Lots of Love xxx
My Aunt left the Nhs and went to work in the local hospice and she loved it. She started by volunteering then she got a job with them but ended up being part job part voluntary. But she loved it better than NHS because she was using all her nursing skills that she had learned but she felt more rewarded by her work and less stressed and she also felt that she was really making a difference. It felt like it was real caring. Unfortunately she died last year in December of Parkinsons and dementia. Which ironically is the kind of patients she looked after while working for the NHS.and she always told my uncle that she never wanted to end up there and she didn’t he had a carer for her at home. But she worked for the hospice for about ten years after leaving the NHS and I know she was far happier doing that than being in charge of a ward. She also laterly volunteered in her local shop for a couple of years and she also loved that because she knew everyone in the village and she got a wee blether. I hope you too find something that makes you feel more fulfilled but still lets you use the skills that you worked so hard to achieve. Using your skills but a change of direction maybe just what you need. You are so obviously a very caring person. Thinking of you.
What lovely words. Just catching up with both your posts and thinking of you both.
Hello Rachel, was feeling a bit low today Burt hearing from you and a WhatsApp chat with a friend has got me back again! Hope your counselling goes okay, so good that you have a really nice counsellor. When will the work one be? Hope they don’t try to rush you into anything. Looking at old family photos can be really therapeutic once you feel up to it, glad you’re doing that. Loved the cat as soon as I saw him( didn’t know love at first sight applied to cats too!!) He’s so friendly and confident, even though he’s had a hard time. Can’t wait to have him here, just needs another injection then they will bring him… Hope today goes well. Lots of lovexxx
Hello Meebee, how are you coping? What an unsung heroine your aunt was, as is Rachel. Makes my blood boil the way they are and have been treated. We owe them so much, clapping was lovely but it doesn’t pay the bills or for their hospital parking . Very good advice to Rachel, I agree a slight change of direction could be good. Are you listening Rachel???! Two of us on at you Take care and keep safex
Hi Meebee, bless your Aunt. She did some great work! Your family must be very proud of her x I work in an Emergency Unit. The pace is mental, the Team are fabulous but maybe it’s time for a change? Who knows?.. Lovely to hear about your Aunt xxx
Hi bjane, hope you’re feeling a bit better now x Feelings are up and down, aren’t they? Nothing is straightforward. I feel unsettled today. In the counselling, we talked about my Dad’s death. It helps to talk it out but it’s painful. I always feel exhausted after… Back to work next week, on a phased return. Feel daunted and I hope I can cope with it all. One more try and if it’s not right for me, then I’ll hang up my nurses cape! How fabulous that you have fallen in love with your cat! I can’t wait to hear all about him! What is his name? A new Chum! Malcolm would be so happy that you have a new cat. Write soon! Lots of Love xxxx
Hi Rachel, you’re right, feelings are definitely up and down especially with coronavirus and it’s effects hanging over us like a massive black cloud. Talking about your dad will be bittersweet, bringing all sorts of things back which can be upsetting and comforting all at the same time. We humans are a complicated lot aren’t we?!! I
Meant to ask you, where is your daughter at uni, is she quite close?Grandads are very special people , your girls will be really missing him, why does life have to be so hard? I think you’ve given so much to the NHS, you deserve something less stressful and less demanding, hope it works out for you whatever you decide. going back will be so difficult initially. But you can only give it a go and see how you feel. On a lighter note he’s called Marly , has been really badly treated and is so friendly and confident, amazingly! He’s been named Marlon, my son said that sounded like Malcolm and we could call him that. Can you imagine??!! Yelling that out in the garden. Thought that would make you smile! Take care and keep in touch. Lots of love xxxx
Hi bjane, I agree. Going through bereavement under lockdown and then endless coronavirus is so draining. To be able to go to an Exhibition or a Gallery right know - would just be amazing - and, I know, would help me a lot. I feel a bit flattened after the counselling yesterday. It does take it out of you even though it’s a good thing to do. I can feel my anxiety creeping up about returning to work - facing colleagues who will want to say something kind to me about Dad and the fear of choking up and getting emotional…then having to be in full ppe for 10 hrs and nurse vulnerable people. I know that I have to try going back, even if I end up leaving, just to have a sense of closure really. Life under coronavirus is so hard, so many people bereaved and all our usual coping mechanisms changed or not available to us… My girls miss their Grandad. Today, my youngest is wearing one of his stripey T shirts! My older daughter has found it particularly difficult as one of her friends died a week after my Dad and was buried beside my Dad - she goes to see them both but it’s been a painful time for her x Marly is a lovely name. I did laugh imagining you yelling “Malcolm” in the garden! How lovely that Marly is friendly and confident - and now he has found his forever home. So happy for you both x What colour is he? Have a happy day xxx
Hello Rachel , I can feel myself getting anxious for you, having to go through that. Facing people’s sympathy can be so hard, even when you meet separately but going to work will be so hard for you. People want to be nice, some don’t know what to say, some get upset, etc etc.When I was teaching my friend’s brother committed suicide and when she was coming back to work she asked me to tell everyone she’d really rather not talk about it. She just didn’t know how she would react and was in no state to be stressed as well as everything else. Everyone respected that and she was able to talk in her own time.So sorry to hear of your daughters sadness, mine wore my Dad’s sweater for ages. I’m doing the same, with Malcolm’s, sweaters are very cosy and comforting even in what’s supposed to be Summer! I’m supposed to be having a counselling session on Friday, our wedding anniversary, how strange. Have no idea how to do it, Malcolm was the technical one! Hope the rest of the week goes okay for you. enjoy your freedom and I hope you don’t worry too much. Marly is black and white and too pretty to be a boy!! Speak, I mean post, soon. Lots of love xxx
Hi bjane, Facing everyone is so hard. I’ve been hidden away at home with family - and seeing a couple of friends (for those frequent socially distancing walks) so it feels a bit scary, to walk back onto a big Emergency Unit and see everyone. My counsellor reminded me that I have friends there - and I do, it’s a great Team, so will focus on the positives. Imagine going back to a horrible Team where no one cares about each other?!! Once I’ve seen everyone, that moment is in the past and it will be another hurdle jumped… I was sorry to read about your friend’s brother. My family have been through the same and it is devastating… I wear my Dad’s fleece and his sunglasses. Doing these things are so important. His coat is hanging in the porch with everyone else’s coats - I can’t part with it. My Husband’s Great Aunt kept her Husband’s coat hanging in the hallway for over 30 years after he died. Some items are so personal and loaded with memories. My Dad’s coat is this hideous beige mac - and I hated it - always on at him to get a “proper coat” and now it’ll probably be in my house for another 30 years!! Can’t part with it!! All the very best with your counselling session on Friday. I have mine over the phone because I am crap with IT. I still play vinyl and have a transistor radio that my parents gave me when I was 8. It’s a scary modern world for a dinosaur. It’s a miracle that I am actually managing to do this online really. Luckily, we have a good Administrator at work who is trying to help me (and ripping her hair out at the same time - ha!) I hope Marly is settling in, bless him. I shall be thinking of you on Friday, on yours and Malcolm’s Wedding Anniversary xxx It would be lovely to hear about your Wedding Day xxx Lots of Love xxx
Hello Rachel, so glad to hear your team’s lovely, makes so much difference. It’s a big scary world out there when we’ve been shut in and not really used to seeing people or talking much. That counselling’s worrying me, I’m like you, not technically minded, or even interested. Malcolm was the one who did all that and loved it! Does your husband? Think I’ll be like the great aunt, Malcolm’s slippers are by the fire, untouched since he left the house, all his clothes in his wardrobe and sprinkled around the house, couldn’t bear to move any of them! His rather grotty robe over the bannister from his last shower, just can’t move it, feels like I’m erasing him somehow. Talking of technology, my daughter says I’m the only person she knows who possesses a CD player, but I don’t care I’ve been playing his and mine and most of the time it feels good , just sometimes hard, remembering.Can’t get Marly til he’s had a final injection, s o having to wait, but something lovely to look forward to and also time to get everything he needs!!Talking with you always cheers me up, thank you, you’re a star. Lots of love xxxxx
Thank you both. My Aunt was a lovely person and very hardworking. She died in November and my Uncle cherishes her memory. It was very difficult for her at the end though and it is very nice to hear you both say such nice words about her. Her funeral was packed out with people from both the hospitals and hospice and their local farming community as my uncle was a shepherd like my dad. RCB you need to do what you feel is right when you feel it is right. I know i am up late my neighbours are still making a racket on my roof. Am so tired between that and grieving but not grieving when its there as a weight but not coming out because you have to go on but you feel it most just before bed or is that just me. So happy about your wee cat and glad it makes you happy. you should post some pics. we would love to see it. pets really help us at times like these. I saw this couple with such a gorgeous dog this evening and i am afraid I was a little jealous especially when they said it was a rescue and they only had it for a couple of weeks. I think I really need a pet in my life just now. I am thinking about counselling too but I can’t really afford it just now and its scary because its great if you get someone good but if you don’t it doesn’t work out so well. I hope that yours is really good and looks after you. Our local hospital has free parking but so many people use it to go to work that visitors, patients and staff find it very hard to get a space despite there being 3 carparks there. Take cafre of you both.