Hi Meebee, how lovely that so many people came to celebrate your Aunt’s life x And so lovely to hear that your relatives were shepherds! I know the feeling of grief, feeling heavy, especially in the evenings. Those were my worst times in the Care Home as the place became quieter and darker and I just sat listening to my Dad struggling to breathe. I now feel a sort of restlessness - difficult to describe, like I should be going somewhere or doing something. Grief is just awful… My counsellor is through Cruse and it’s free. Have a look at their website. It really helps me to talk to my counsellor but it is exhausting - but I recommend it. I hope you think about getting a pet. I have 2 cats and they really are a comfort. You can tell them anything… Take care xxx
Hi bjane, My Manager and my Team are lovely. I hope they’ll forgive me for being away from work since April… Can you believe that I have to meet with HR on my return to work? Feeling a bit anxious. My Dad died in a pandemic and I was with him when he died - and it sort of broke me and I couldn’t nurse people for a few months. How do I say this to a complete stranger? I’m hoping it’s nothing too official. I’ve worked 30 years for the NHS and I’ve had to take 5 months off to relocate him, settle him into a new care home, recover from covid myself then a raging chest infection, then move into the care home and nurse him in his final week until he died, then empty his room, plan the funeral with no help, close his accounts, sort the Will - oh, and grieve for him all at the same time - whilst supporting my daughter over the death of her Grandad, the sudden death of her 22 year old friend, the ending of her year long relationship and then her friend had a stillbirth… I still have to be Mummy throughout everything - and now I have to jump more NHS hoops. Honestly, bjane , if they give me a tough time, I’ll just leave. I need all my courage just to go back in and that’s before I even say hello to a patient. I hope HR will be lenient with those of us bereaved by covid. Luckily, I have everything documented with my GP and OH - but still, could do without all this…, Sorry, that was a bit of a rant. I went to my Dad’s Grave today and told him all about it as well! … I hope the counselling goes well. I find that it helps a lot but afterwards, I feel exhausted, and sometimes I get into bed and hide under the quilt. It’s painful but healing at the same time. I’m not technical at all so just talk over the phone to my counsellor but she’s lovely and very easy to talk to and she’s fine if I have a cry. Good Luck with it x That’s so lovely, you have Malcolm’s things everywhere. If it soothes you and comforts you, keep them all where they are. My Dad was an Engineer and had this gadget thing for measuring electrical currents??? When he left his house, where he lived for over 50 years, he took it with him and kept it in his flat. It was then on the table next to him in his room at the Care Home and now it is on my bedside cabinet - and I don’t even really know what it is - but it reminds me of him! Crazy, isn’t it? Sometimes, I just hold that hideous beige mac - just to be close to him and remember all the times I helped him to put it on and take it off x No shame in CDs, bjane, still playing mine! You’ll be able to share your favourite songs with Marly when he moves in x Anyway, I just want to wish you and Malcolm a very Happy Wedding Anniversary for tomorrow. I shall be thinking of you and sending love as you remember all the happy memories of all the beautiful days that you shared together. Lots of Love xxxxxx
Hello Meebee.
I’m really sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment. Grief is an all consuming emotion and folk deal with it in many different ways. A pet might just help you get through this difficult time. Something to care for, something to come home to. There are many associations that have rescue dogs. They will all be vaccinated and medically checked out.
The other thing you mention is counselling, and yes RCB is quite correct, Cruse Bereavement offers a helpline, email support, and counselling and support groups through their local services: 0808 808 1677, helpline@cruse.org.uk, http://www.cruse.org.uk/bereavement-services. Please also note that Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling.
Take care,
Audrey,
Online Community team
Rachel, I know what you mean about your Dad’s gadget that you keep by the bed and his hideous beige Mac. We’re just desperate to hold onto something that is”them”
anxious that they don’t slip right away from us. I found an insulin pen at the back of the fridge and keep it there, also carry around glucose tablets and a tube of glucogel in my bag like I always did. I so hope they are kind to you on your return to work , look what they could lose. You’ve been through such a terrible time , so much trauma grief and stress, carrying everything on your shoulders and looking after your family in amongst that plus the terrible restrictions , uncertainty and complete upheaval of coronavirus. To have come through all of that is a tribute to your spirit and strength, many people would have broken. I nearly did when my Dad died, the bottom fell out of my world and I thoughtI’d never smile again, never had felt such grief. But slowly I
did heal and you will too, but it’s a long process and gradually you realise that the rawness gets a little bit less intense, give yourself plenty of time. Like we said, if you get back and find you can’t cope then you can explore other avenues where your lovely caring nature will be appreciated. This has all taken such a toll on you, you’ll be emotionally empty and really ot in the best place mentally for caring for others. Don’t expect too much of yourself and I hope HR treat you well. Thank you for what you said about tomorrow, not looking forward to it but it’s going to come whatever I do, so it’s the lippy- I might even make an exception- and the gin for me tomorrow night. I’ve bought him a card, is that mad? Hope he could see what I wrote in it, wish we knew! Sending lots of love and thank you for your support xxxxxx
Meebee, have you been watching a programme called something like The Yorkshire Farm about a family living on an isolated sheep farm in N Yorkshire. The wife is a shepherdess and they have 9 fabulous children . It’s a lovely programme , think it’s channel 5. Please get a pet, I can’t tell you how it’s lifted my mood. looking forward to Marly’s arrival in a couple of weeks ,It would be something to distract you and your son just for a while and pets are such lovely companions, especially cats. I’m prejudiced of course but a cat doesn’t need quite so much attention if you’re not feeling 100’per cent. You can’t beat a little purring ball of fur on your knee! Don’t know how to post a photo on here, will try to find out. As a friend of mine said the other day, “chin up, you’re stronger than you think.”If only! Sending you a message of hope, and lovex
Oh thank goodness - it’s not just me! I HATE those words too. I am not a widow, I am Tony’s wife and always will be. His death will make no difference to that and there will NEVER be anyone else. I was his and he was mine and that’s how it will stay.
Yes, I don’t see it. Why do you become a widow , no longer married , just because he’s no longer physically with you? Our love hasn’t died , they are still our husbands , forever. That’s what I told Malcolm in the card, love never dies. xx
Ann, We should be asleep now!! X
Meebee, have just had a first counselling session e with a lovely Sue Ryder counsellor. They are free and you can have up to six, via video call. Go onto their site and send an email with your request and they come back to you very quickly. They said there would be quite a wait for a session but it wasn’t long . Talking to a trained counsellor makes such a difference, I feel lighter already.Hope you can give it a go! x
Hi bjane, thank you for your kind words and support, it so helps to write to you x Grief is so strange, such a roller coaster of emotions and then remembering that your life is changed forever… Thursday is looming and I’ll just do what I can. I’ve been a Nurse for so long and it’s the only thing I can do really! I’m hoping that HR will be ok. I don’t think I could cope with anything too challenging from them… I hope you are having a lovely Wedding Anniversary. I did think about you and Malcolm and said a prayer for you. I know my Dad is in a better place - and Malcolm will be too x I think that’s so lovely that you bought Malcolm a card. We buy flowers and make cakes on the Birthdays of our relatives no longer with us - and sing Happy Birthday! Not so long ago, I was visiting Dad’s grave and an entire family was at their relative’s grave, singing Happy Birthday. It made me cry, it was so lovely to see that their loved one was missed and loved and remembered, You do whatever feels right for you. I have another puffy jacket of my Dad’s. It’s huge but I put it on when i’m feeling rubbish and I can “hide” inside it and I feel close to him. When he was dying and I was in his room at the care home, at times. I felt so physically and emotionally exhausted that I had to lie on the floor. None of the carers were bothered by it - they understood that strength fails you and that I just needed to be able to do this. You do anything and everything that reminds you of Malcolm. It’s all ok and it’s comforting. We’re not going to heal overnight, after a lifetime with someone that we loved but we can remember them and love them still and write here about how lovely and important they were to us x Sending lots of love on your Wedding Anniversary xxxxx
Hi Rachel, thank you for all the lovely things you said about Malcolm and our wedding anniversary, Also a friend left me some flowers on the doorstep and our son in London sent some beautiful flowers,it helped make it all seem so much better. Plus the initial session with the Sue Ryder counsellor made me feel somehow more human. We three went out for a meal to a lovely hotel in the forest of bowland, which is a lovely area, well worth a visit! We had a lovely time but I must admit, seeing all the couples in there brought it home to me that I’m not part of a couple any more, always an odd one. But the meal was amazing and I had that gin!! It was blood orange and delicious! I’m glad I’m not as odd as I feared, buying Malcolm a card, it was nice to hear about other people doing similar things! The counsellor said pretty much the same as you, do whatever makes you feel okay, it felt quite liberating.We’re in a bit of a lockdown up here, in Calderdale, not our part, but no one really seems to know what we can and can’t do and we weren’t sure about last night but we went and distanced!! Hope you have a good weekend and do something nice, not thinking about and dreading next week. How’s the counselling? Keep smiling, lots of love and a big hug xxxxx
Hi bjane, well done you, being brave, on a very important day - and how lovely that you received flowers and had an evening out. Malcolm would be very proud of you - and I’m sure, pleased to see you out there, doing things and socialising with your loved ones x I try to go out every day, even if it’s for a walk on my own, just to look at nature and the amazing skies we’ve been having lately. I know my Dad would want me to be doing nice things and looking ahead - and, I think, at some point, my girls will go through this and I definitely know that I would want them to be out there, being happy and looking ahead. I really try to hold onto that thought when the sadness appears - although, I also know that sadness is an important emotion too… I’m so glad to hear that your counselling session went well. It’s hard, isn’t it? but afterwards, I feel relieved that I can talk about my Dad and say how very important he was to me and that, what we went through, was real, that he was worthy of my sorrow because I loved him so very much. Keep going with the counselling. My friend was widowed at a young age and she said that the Cruse counsellor literally saved her life. Thank God for counsellors - especially the ones volunteering for the role, a very special group of people x Sorry to hear you’re back in Lockdown. It seems ok here at the moment but I am a bit confused at all the changing “rules”. I was reading on the News this morning that the Government are considering locking down people aged 50-70 - depending on their health. I really try to avoid the covid news but it’s just everywhere… Having a lovely weekend. My youngest will learn to drive soon so we went to look at some cheap cars, then we visited my other daughter at her flat and watched a film and had cakes! I can feel the anxiety creeping in about work but trying to keep it at bay… Next counselling session is Tuesday. It really helps me a lot. My counsellor is very easy to talk to and has a kind personality. The previous NHS counsellor I had just challenged me all the time about being burnout and just made me feel worse. It’s so important to feel secure with the person you’re disclosing to. On Wednesday, I am going to the care home with my youngest daughter. They are holding a Memorial Service and Tree-Planting in memory of my Dad and the other 5 residents who sadly died of covid. I am a bit nervous about going as I know I am going to cry - especially seeing the lovely carers again - who were so very kind to my Dad and I. It’s going to be emotional and then the next day, will be my first day back at work - so I hope I have a lid on my feelings before that big challenge! Say a prayer for me x Lots of Love to you too. I just told my husband that you are in Yorkshire and he says “Good Lass!” We love Yorkshire xxx
pHi Rachel, so glad to hear that you’ve been having a lovely weekend, you deserve something nice. What a lovely idea, a tree planting and memorial service for your Dad on Wednesday. Of course you’re going to cry. you’ll need to, it will be so emotional and you’ll need to let it all out, especially with what you’re having to face the next day. Maybe it will be cathartic and letting that grief out will calm you and make you able to cope with them if they aren’t treating you how they should. I’ll certainly say a little prayer for you on both days and will be sending love, too. Like you. I try to get out for a walk every day, sometimes with a distanced friend and sometimes with our son. Can’t bring myself to call him my son. We ent for a lovely walk today, about 2 miles. , with lovely scenery to a little shop in the middle of nowhere that sells everything , drinks , food, papers and we sat outside in the sun with a couple of magnums. Small pleasures! Yes the counselling does take its toll in a way doesn’t it, talking and thinking about what we’ve lost but I did somehow feel lighter. Think it’s so liberating to be able to say exactly how you’re feeling without the risk of upsetting anyone, even being able to shed a few tears.! I couldn’t really talk like that to friends or family because they would be powerless to help and that would be horrible for them.Do your daughters talk about their grandad a lot. Mine don’t talk about Malcolm much, I think for fear of upsetting me which is so sweet. I put a big sweater of Malcolm’s on today and thought of you in your Dad’s puffy jacket and smiled! Your husband is clearly a good lad! Hang onto him and never let him go. Enjoy your week, will message before Wednesday. Lots of love xxxxx
Hi bjane, You’re right, it’s ok to cry and the other families at the Memorial Service will be feeling all kinds of emotions too. I think it’s that fear of being swamped with emotion again, it’s so painful. I will go because it’s a lovely gesture by the carers and they have been through so much as well, losing their residents, some they’d known for years in their “Family”. I can feel the anxiety building about work but I have good friends there and I can only try x Sound like you and your son had a lovely walk - so good to get out and be sociable and exercising. I do yoga every day which helps me a lot. I’m glad the counselling is helping you to feel lighter. I always feel nervous before each session and afterwards feel exhausted but relieved. Like you, I find it easier to talk freely to someone I’m not related to or in a friendship with. You do feel like you have to protect other people and not upset them. My husband still suffers from the loss of his parents and my eldest daughter is going through a tough time. She is very easy to talk to though and has a honesty which I value. At my Dad’s funeral. she kept her arm around me constantly, whispering encouragement in my ear. My husband was supporting my youngest daughter. They don’t talk about my Dad very often but will if I want to and we try to remember all the funny times. They had a fun, cheeky relationship with him which was lovely. I think they don’t talk about him because they worry about upsetting me but I would so much rather talk about him. How lovely to be wearing Malcolm’s sweater - like having a cuddle! My husband is a “good lad”, bless him, he’s a lovely husband and Dad. I will hang onto him and never let him go x Hope you’re having a lovely day and the sun is shining in beautiful Yorkshire. Lots of Love xxxxx
I’m sure you won’t be awake at this ridiculous time but I find I keep very bizarre hours at the moment! No Malcolm to keep me on the straight and narrow and tell me to come to bed, think I’m getting out of hand! Your good lad and daughter sound lovely, I’m so glad they are so supportive, we are really lucky. It must be terrible for people without that kind of support, I don’t know how they cope. I went to a garden centre with our son today, his day off. and bought a lovely filled planter which looks beautiful outside the front door. I’ve just realised that!s the first time I’ve felt any interest in anything really, so that’s got to be a step forwards hasn’t it.How are you feeling now. are you finding it all a little bit easier, not quite so raw? Your posts sound like you feel a bit brighter, hope you do , you deserve to be happy. you’ve given so much to others. Are you going to take advantage of Rishi’s 50 per cent off meals tomorrow? A nice treat before facing Wednesday and Thursday! We didn’t realise at the garden centre cafe until I got the bill, thought they’d made a mistake!!! Have a good day. Lots of lovexxx
PS So glad you’ll never let him go! Wish I could’ve hung onto mine xx
What time are you going to be there tomorrow, Rachel? So I can be thinking of you and sending love 
Hi bjane, glad you had a lovely time at the Garden Centre. It’s a special moment when something like buying flowers gives you joy - and that feeling of hope, I’m so glad to read that you spend lots of time with your son x We all went to the Memorial Service and Tree-Planting at the Care Home today. It was lovely - lots of flowers and photos of the residents who died of covid - 14 in total, including my lovely Dad. Lots of people there and the Manager read a lovely Thank you to the Carers who were just love itself and amazing. I wept buckets especially when we released 14 white balloons - like setting them all free, all those people who lived together and knew each other. It was sad but lovely x Well. it’s work tomorrow. Had lots of messages and prayers from friends - still holding me up and keeping me going! I start at 12 tomorrow so will have the morning at home with Kate, my youngest. I feel a bit daunted but I can only try. The prayers will see me through x I hope you have a lovely day planned for tomorrow. What plants did you get? When does Marly arrive? I so look forward to your messages. You brighten my day. Lots of Love xxx
Hello Rachel, so sorry it’s so late, have had internet trouble all day and only just got it sorted. Your dad’s Memorial Day sounded lovely and I’m so glad it was a much nicer experience than you were dreading. I did think about you today and sent up a little prayer for you too. Well, that’s over, just tomorrow to face now and again I’ll
be thinking of you and sending another little prayer your way. I’m not really what I’d call religious but I do find myself saying little prayers more and more often! Think we all
need them at the moment. It will be nice tomorrow not to have to rush off first thing and to be able to have a nice time with your daughter. This isn’t about me , but a quick answer, a hydrangea, a planter full of gaudy but lovely flowers, all mixed. and a water lily! And hopefully Marly will arrive on the 11th, lockdown permitting. If you’re in bed x you’ll read this tomorrow, if not night night sleep tight and try not to worry! Lots of love xxx
Thank you RCB
Sorry its taken me a while to reply haven’t been on here in a few days. I do plan to get a pet after I have sorted out my housing situation. I do love animals especially collie dogs as well as a fondness for farm cats and I know the company would do me good as I am very lonely just now. I really appreciate the advice about a counsellor. I thought I would get one when things hit me more or when the COVID was over or when I had some money to pay for one. But I have had something else happen yesterday which triggered things off again. And am really finding it difficult to cope so I came on here as I do. Thanks I think I will look into Cruse. I hope you are doing well relatively speaking of course. Thinking of you.