Sorry about typos in the last message btw but you get my drift xx
Bless you ā¦ its the early stages of grief you know ā¦ its like that ! Nothing seems right anymore and you are so utterly devastated ! Its normal what you feel ā¦ we all been through it ā¦ we still going through it to certain extent ā¦ just not as raw as time goes by. Take really good care of yourself. Xx
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Yeh isnt it awful when you are ill and they arent there @Jol ā¦ honestly its just awful 
i had a few things recently and its been rotten not to have him to talk to about it ā¦ I sometimes think am i gonna survive this ? Maybe i wont ? Maybe thatās my destiny ? Ive no idea what my destiny is anymore ? It all feels so bleak and confused now ā¦ sorry im feeling very gloomy tonight xx
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Hope you guys ok, itās so hard when you loose the one who always take care of you and get worried if anything happened. You feel happy about it that there is someone who cares about you, you feel blessed.
Deb5 you donāt have to sorry, itās good to share here, honestly reading messages makes me feel closer to my love.
If anything goes wrong, you know you can moan about it to your partner before but you can still do it like used to, they still here!
Jol hope you feel better, keeping you in our prayers, sending a warm hug.
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Yeh true ā¦ i do talk to him a lot yeh ! Cant sleep tonight ! Im having such a hard time with my kids ! Theyre being horrendous and im not speaking to them ! They all left home many years ago but still ā¦ Honestly isnt it bad enough to lose your husband ā¦ obviously not ! Xx
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Jimmyās been gone 10 weeks this weekend. I used to feel he was still with me in spirit but this past week i donāt seem to feel it so much. That really scares and worries meā¦ where is he now?.. he would never leave me and i hate feeling as if heās moved on somewhere . I still write to him every dayā¦ it helps a bit and i hope he can read it! I think Iām losing the plot!
His 2 sons are visiting on Saturday, iv said they can have some of their dads clothes and jackets if they want them, id sooner they have something of his than eventually donate. Iām keeping his favorite shirts and jumpers though, they still smell of him. Iv not gone through anything yet and still even have his socks and pantsā¦i canāt throw anything out as itās like he was never here.
When does it get easierā¦i still cry uncontrollably, i cuddle his ashes, i donāt think icould ever bring myself to scatter them, i want him here with me. Its all so unbearable isnāt it! Grief must be the worst emotion 
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Picking him up today at 10am thereās been some improvement with his leg but we will see.
Thanks for your kind words x Sarah x
Buddy is getting a operation tomorrow as his hip keeps popping out so he needs it pinned 
Really donāt need this stress and financial burden right nowā¦. Really not getting a break at all.
If it wasnāt for bad luck I wouldnāt have any at all 
(2 weeks later)
Itās been nearly 2 weeks and heās had his op and on the mend now 
ā¦.
My life now will be completely differently from what I had when my Jacqueline was alive she was taken far to young 58 I will carry on looking after Buddy our dog and walking the hills we can.
Life isnāt fair but life is what you make it.
We all get consumed with grief that cripple us but our partners wouldnāt want us to be sad and mourn every day He or she would want us to carry on get on with our lifeās and be kind and caring to look after ourselves and have happy memories of our time we had togetherā¦.
I miss my Jacqueline every single day she will always be in my heart and in my soulā¦.
Nothing will ever take that away from usā¦ā¦ good night all.
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@AKM ā¦ just checking to see how youāre doing?
Itās 10 weeks today that Jimmy was taken to hospital and Iām still trying to come to terms with it all. I have some OK moments but still cry every day.
Iāve started looking into a new hobby to keep my mind occupied and for some reason want to start upcycling/painting old furniture and accessoriesā¦ no idea where thatās come from, but itās helping! I also go back to work next Friday ā¦i only do 2 days a week, but think a bit of structure in my life will help. Ihope so anyway. Let us know though how you are x
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Hi everyone, hope had a good time over the Christmas with family.
Thanks Sable for your concerns, I was on my own over the Christmas, partly we were only two of us, one of his friend invited to have Christmas with them but I wanted to be here with David and just be with him and do nothing.
I ended up crying more, although for the last 3 Christmas we were staying in one of his favourite country hotel in North Yorkshire, before that I will do the Christmas dinner and he will join me with a glass of wine and Christmas songs.
I ended up spending time watching photos and videos of him with a glass of wine!
It was definitely one of the worst and tearful Christmas for me, I talked to him for hours.
I started doing meditations daily.
Iām not looking forward to new year eve for the same reason, he will always stay till midnight to kiss me and say happy new year, also for some reason he will open all doors at midnight to let old air out and fresh air in, so many memories together.
Hope you all well and wish you a peaceful and healthy new year.
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Aw yeh i was same ā¦ was invited to my daughters but didnt go and had a sad day ! In hindsight not a good idea really as it gives you too much time to think but its done now. We move on and next hurdle is new years eve ! Jeez ā¦ but dont think it will be as bad for me because we never did much then ! Im hoping so anyway !! We doing ok ā¦ were surviving it ā¦ it will get better with time, i hope , it does slowly, there are many twists and turns in our story ā¦ xxx
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So sorry to read you were on your own, although I fully understand your reasons.
I spent time with Alisonās brother and two of my children for Xmas day. Alison lived christmas and doing the dinner but my son is a chef so he stepped in and made a wonderful meal for us. It was when I sat down to eat I broke down and cried. I had taken her urn and a photo to the table and as we raised our glasses to Alison it broke me.
We then had my other son and our 4 grandchildren on Boxing Day which lifted my spirits a bit.
Still it was very sad when my grandson asked where his gran was and why she wasnāt with us. I cried again at that.
Iāve sat most evenings with Alisonās brother and we just talk about Alison, I cry and laugh and cry some more.
Iām really not looking forward to new year but somehow Iām going to try.
Take care and keep in touch. X
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Iām getting so fed upā¦i lost Jimmy 10 weeks agoā¦ Iām still struggling 
ā¦i have an okā¦ish day and now todayā¦ its 9.30 and still in bed! Iām so flippin sad again. How the hell do I rebuild my life?.. Iām meant to be back at work this Friday, i only do 2 days aweek luckily, but Iām dreading it and feel anxious again. Itās a if now everythingās over, people think youre suddenly ok!.. but Iām not, Iām totally broken and so sad.
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Yeh thats what prople do ā¦ disappear after the funeral ā¦ same eith me ! Wlthr suddenly think youre gonna be ok within months when actually thats when the hard work begins, thats when you realise its just you ā¦ kerp wotkibg through it and maybe find out about bereavment counselling ? X
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I went to a counseling group last weekā¦i felt ok in the morningā¦ went to this group that was only me and one other lady, and ended up sobbing my heart out!..i got no benefit out of it so maybe its not for me. 
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Yeh that happened to me - went to a bereavment group and cried as soon as i got there because i knew i wouldnt be there if my husband was still here ā¦ felt very exposed ! Didnt go again ā¦ only 4 there anyway and none had lost a husband ā¦ other family members ā¦ maybe find out about one to one bereavment counselling ? X
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Hi Sable & Deb5, I feel exactly the same. Now the festive season is all but over everyone has moved on and think oh he must be okay. Wrong. I dont know the answers, I wish I did. I too go back to work on Monday on a phased return having been of since end of October. I just know Im going to have to re live everything again when people start asking me the usual questions along with āhow are youā?
I have been referred for bereavement counselling through my Occupational Health and HR departments so will see how that goes. For me, anything is worth a try.
All I can say to you both is stay strong and just take things day by day. We will have bad days and slightly not so bad days on this journey of grief. x
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People are just selfish these days thats the bottom line ! All they care about is as long as they are ok !! My husband was never like that - even when he was well he used to look after people less fortunate than himself ā¦ i miss that and he was so unique like that .
My daughter got bereavment counselling through work and it helped her so good luck with it. I had some too and helps make sense of it but its but its not a magic wand either ā¦ and yeh youre right take it day by day or hour by hour but its just crap innit xx
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Yes, it certainly is crap and people just dont get it. I was referred for counselling in the summer for a work related stress matter and after 6 sessions where we worked together on coping mechanisms I was able to go back to work after 12 weeks off. I must say the sessions did help so hopefully a specialist in bereavement can help too. Im currently reading a book called Grief Works by a Julia Samual a professional bereavement councillor and it is helping me I think. What I am looking for but maybe wont get is how emotions and stages of grief can be linked together and made sense of because right now the loss of my beloved Alison still doesnt make sense. I talk to her every day and spray her favourite perfume on her pillow and on the T shirt she wore the day before she had her heart attack. I just cant bring myself to washing it yet x
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Dont wash t- shirt. Do everything you can to keep her close, gives you comfort. Thatās what bereavment counsellors tell you ā¦ are you early on in this journey ā¦ so sorry for your loss ā¦ its so hard i know xx
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I sleep with Jimmyās dressing gown over me and spray with his aftershave!..i donāt think Iāll ever wash it tbh!..Iāve still a drawer full of his socks and pantsā¦i canāt even get rid of those yet!.. the only thing sorted is his old work clothesā¦ he was a fencer so many were covered in cement but i tell him why ive thrown them so he knows!..i think Iām losing the plot half the time! 
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