Today is the funeral of my mum, my parents divorced when I was 14 and she moved away and remarried the same year, (I’m now 36). My mum suffered with her mental health for many years, often taking her rages out on me and my sister. Over the first few years I tried to keep in contact albeit she would ruin things by going off the rails again, 15 years ago I decided it wasn’t healthy keeping in touch and soon we lost contact.
Over the years, I’ve often wondered how she was, if she was happy, if she had changed. I think over the years I came to terms with the mum I loved as a child was no longer that person and so I set about getting on with my life. Cut to this year, I lost my cousin to cancer-she was only 41 and then my mums sister passed away suddenly in may, I saw my mum at my aunties funeral and tried to strike up a conversation, I did intend to try and salvage something from our relationship but she told me in very blunt and rude terms to go away.
Since that, I got a call from a cousin to say she suddenly passed away, I rang her husband and he confirmed she had passed away suddenly and there would be a post mortem, it’s been nearly 2 weeks and I was offered to go and see her at the chapel of rest which I declined-having seen my grandad-her father pass away when I was younger has played in my mind for many years.
So it’s now the morning of the funeral, I haven’t cried or been upset, I’m so confused as to how I should feel-her last words were to me were swear words, I found out she had created a Facebook account earlier this year but never contacted me, I guess I don’t know how to feel about it all, i guess there’s a lot of guilt that I didn’t try harder to keep in contact and a lot of sadness as she has missed out on mine and my sisters life so much. I guess I would love to have had a better relationship with her but it is all too late now. Has anyone else had anything similar happen? I feel a great sense of loss, more s loss that she has missed out as opposed to her passing away