Losing my girlfriend of 6 years

My girlfriend died suddenly nearly 2 weeks ago now and I still can’t believe she’s gone forever .
The shock of receiving the message that told me of her death haunts me terribly .
She was from Laos and at the time of her passing she was living there with her family .
She had been suffering from the chronic condition Lupus for the last 2 years . This condition had made her lose so much weight and muscle mass and she’d become so weak and fatigued all the time , It was hard to see her deteriorate from the bubbly healthy girl I’d met 4 years previous , some days I wouldn’t hear from her at all as she was so tired and was sleeping all day .
Since first meeting her in 2014 I have been going back and forward to meet her at every chance I had and we would talk for hours at a time on video calls every day and all night sometimes , with constant messaging throughout the day . We had so many plans for the future .
COVID happened and that changed everything for us as I couldn’t go to see her at all , I would usually go to stay with her every 3 months but because of restrictions of entering asia, the last time I was with her was January , it was difficult for both of us but we were patient and planning a better 2021 , it was never to be .
2 weeks ago she fell because of her Lupus and hit her head . Initially she was fine but deteriorated a day or so after and then stopped talking altogether , contact from her stopped , her family did not realise the severity of the trauma to her head and neither did I at the time and she died .
My guilt about this is constant , I realise that without being there it was so difficult to know she had done something serious , she had sent a message to me just after she fell and she seemed to be fine … her families thoughts were also that it wasnt serious , she lay down after and as she was always resting they mistook her head injury for her just sleeping … this angered me so much that they didn’t take her straight to hospital . She was such a selfless person that she probably refused help . I also feel a huge amount of guilt for not forcing her to go see someone and making her family take her to hospital , even though we weren’t constantly together , the loss i feel is overwhelming , I wake up to a phone with no messages where once there was several every morning and to not have her to talk to throughout the day is crippling me , I’d never felt love from anyone like I felt it from her and I too have never loved anyone in the same way , the thought of her Is constant .

Dear Joe38,
I am so sorry for your sudden and unexpected loss of your girlfriend. The fact that it happened so far away and that you found out about it in a text message must make it even more difficult to deal with the shock and the pain of your grief.
The only words of comfort I can give you at this moment in time is that she had 6 wonderful years where she knew your friendship and your love. I dont think there is must that you could have done to change things if you had beeb there. It sounds like she suffered an internal bleed on the brain which can be very hard ti detect, especially if someone says they are feeling fine and have no symptoms, so please dont blame yourself or her familiy for what happened. It was a tragic accident and hopefully she did not suffer. The coming time will not be easy for you. Do you have family and friends you can talk to and who can support you? It is good that you have come to this site. I hope that reading other peoples posts and responses will help you.
Jo

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Thank you for reading and replying to me Jo , I have my sister who has been good at listening to me , as for for friends , well I think sometimes they don’t quite understand why I could be so cut up when she lived so far away , Of course they have their own lives to get on with and I don’t want to burden them too much with my somewhat depressive state at the moment , I have all the classic guilt feelings right now but my main feeling is loneliness without her , it was like me and her against the world and it’s just gone really , reading other peoples stories on platforms like this has definitely made me realise I’m not alone .
It seems all I do on an evening is watch grief videos on YouTube at the moment , not being able to go there even for the funeral was very hard , again thanks for the respsonse .

Hi Joe, I’m so sorry to hear that your girlfriend died so suddenly and that you had been kept apart all year by Covid restrictions. Guilt and anger can both be very common parts of grief. Your loss is extremely recent and it is bound to be very raw and overwhelming. It’s important to have outlets for your emotions, so I’m glad that you’ve found this site. We have many supportive users who have lost partners, and I hope being able to exchange messages with them helps even a tiny bit.

We had a user called @Lucinda a couple of months back after losing her boyfriend suddenly while he was in another country. She hasn’t been active on the site for a little while, but you can read and reply to her post here if you’d like to try talking to her and she should get a notification: Lost boyfriend in hiking accident / found out via news story

You might also be interested in this conversation where you can find @Lady101 and @Honeybee31, who both lost their partners suddenly in their 40s: Loss of my boyfriend

Hi Joe38,

I lost my husband due to sudden heart attack when he was fit and healthy and he was only 39 years old. He had two panic attacks previously so we took him to the hospital in an ambulance. I am Turkish he is English so we have from different background. We all thought he was fit and healthy until we had the results if post mortem and found out he has a genetic condition he does not have enough A ( do not remember the name) to absorb the fat in his body so one if his artery was blocked 70%fat. How can we know he was slim, active and did not show any symptoms apart from having two panic attacs actuslly they were not panic attacks we are thinking of now. My guilt is I wish we dragged him to the hospital snd do proper check up by a private health care not with NHS as they are not really helpful. I wish i was more taking it seriously and pushy and slso his parents but unfortunately his parents told me he is an adult he is responsible for his actions. I can understand but in Turjey my mum would have dragged me to the hospital. My love could have been here . I think sometimes giving option to other people just better to be pushy for their sake. I now living with my guilt even he was one of the most stubborn guy i have ever seen but I loved him so much and he deserved much better than this

Hi Nuran , so sorry to hear how you lost your husband , if he was as stubborn as you say then it would have been a hard job to get him to see someone I think , but I’m the same as you , no matter how many times people tell me I couldn’t have done anything I keep thinking if I’d have just answered the phone when she called me the last time I could have helped and made her go see someone straight away , the guilt is the thing I’m really having a hard time with , but I’m also so so angry that she never seen someone or that her family did not act sooner … just can’t believe this is happening .
When I go to work each day , all that goes round and round in my head is "how is this possible , this cannot be " … it’s still just so unbelievable for me , that girl was everything for me , my whole world really , as I expect your husband was for you … it’s destroying

Unfortunately it is destroying. Noone can help us apart from ourselves. My love was stubborn but he was so caring for other people. I git anry with myself and later with Andy not looking after himself for his family. I am devastated. My whole world is upside down. I am grateful we have a son keeps ne going on but still questioning what shall I do aithout my Andy? He was my half and now I am incomplete and heartbroken. I think we need to try to make them happy to be being better person, not bitter and happy but do not know how.

Yes it’s our own mind that has to heal itself but it is so difficult , I really do try to keep myself from depression but it’s lurking just under the surface and it hits me big time at times throughout the day … I’m happy to hear that your son keeps you going Nuran , he’s a great reason to keep fighting and getting up in the morning

I am just hoping we will go through this. The only time I do not think when I am sleep.
Even i get angry how life goes on when he is not here but it does.
Just trying to not take big decisions at the moment and trying to work and grieve at the same time.
But life is really really cruel and unfair.

Oh god this so resonates with me. Frankie started having what we thought were panic attacks too. I suffer from them and he had the same symptoms. He was really stressed out with Covid and worrying about his mam at the time. The day of his cardiac arrest he had a really bad episode. Porst mortem revealed an undetected cardio megaly( enlarged heart). I blamed myself for not realising there was something wrong but he was so fit and healthy too💙

Hi Blue1

Andy had his first panic attack in September 2019 and then February 2020. The first panic attack he han an ECG and everything looked normal. Second panic attack he has been told that he can have an ECG after 7 hours even he came to the hospital in an ambulance. How they treated him was ridiciluous they did not do their job properly. Now I lost my love and life is mind if pointless

I don’t blame you for being angry. He was in the hospital and they should have checked him out. I was told that a cardio megaly can go undetected without symptoms. Frankie could have been born with it and not known. I have learned not to blame myself as it could have happened at any time. I really feel for you. We have both lost the love of our life💙

Hi Joe, So sorry for your loss, it’s heartbreaking, I lost my fiancé very suddenly in April, he collapsed while walking the dog and he had unfortunately passed by the time I got to him so maybe slightly similar but completely different, it’s a loss I don’t expect to ever get over but hopefully in time it will get more bearable and this is what I hope for you, take care, take all the time you need and if you need to chat please don’t hesitate xxx

Thank you honeybee , yes the shock is still there for me , 2 weeks today , the thought of her never leaves me … I’m so sorry for your loss too and yes it was sudden for you so it’s very similar , maybe I could stop thinking if it wasn’t so sudden

Hi Joe,
Hi yes it is the sudden shock of it and you don’t have any answers and you kind of need some that you don’t have right now and you just want to scream, you don’t feel like anyone understands, I had to go through the same thing due to COVID-19, Andy was taken to hospital DOA so they did a test and said he tested positive which I do not believe in the slightest so because of that we had to have a direct cremation with nobody but the undertaker but by luck his minister was the minister for the crematorium so he wasn’t alone but that’s what devastates me the most that he was alone, both when he died and after and it’s the hardest bit to cope with x

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Hi @Joe38, how are you doing?
I know it’s probably not much comfort but I know how you feel. I lost my beautiful twin sister nearly 3 weeks ago now, she was killed in a car accident through no fault of her own. My whole world is just a bleak abyss, every moment I think of her and all she had to look forward to, she was only 32. It’s like a pain I could never have imagined.
I hope in time you can find peace and learn to feel happiness again but I know if you feel anything like me it seems impossible right now. x

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Heart.Broken,
I am so truly sorry for your incredible loss, I can only imagine the pain your in my fiancé was a twin but his sister was on the other side of the world they didn’t really see or talk to each other and since Andy died I haven’t heard a word from either her or his mother so I only hope they aren’t in too much pain but I truly hope them and yourself can get through every day with this loss and cope as best as you can, I hope you find some peace :peace_symbol: Xxx Take Care xx

Hi heartbroken , so so sorry to hear that , to lose your twin , it’s awful , and so sudden too , being young it just seems to emphasise it even more so .
The abyss you speak of , I know it too well , you go through the motions each day and that’s about it at the moment , autopilot is how I describe it , I hope we both find peace … pls let me know how things go for you

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