Loss of my boyfriend

Hi there I lost my boyfriend of 16 years last December, he had a heart condition which was under control with medication and good hospital care. He was 41, and was doing well.
ON the morning of 7th December he went fishing, I was up with him, which is not the norm because its so early. We said our goodbyes, said we loved each other and off he went.
I never saw him again. He had a Sudden death heart attack at his fishing lake. He hadn’t struggled, thankfully, he was found at about 8.15 am, I never found out about his death until 4 pm that afternoon when 2 Policeman knocked on my door, I was all alone.
That day I had decided to wrap his and my sons presents up and put under the tree.
I still can’t come to terms with what happened, I know he’s not coming home because it’s so lonely all the time. But I just find it so hard to actually talk about that day still. I miss him so much, every day and night. When will things start getting better, I am just blocking everything out at the moment. Please help

I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your boyfriend of many years so suddenly and at such a young age. It sounds as though it was a huge shock and it’s understandable that you miss him so much. Grief is a long process, and it can be common to still feel that you haven’t come to terms with it.

I’m glad that you’ve found this site, as it is important to have outlets for your feelings, and the users here are a supportive group. Some people who find it hard to talk about their loss in person do find it easier to write things down here instead.

Hopefully someone with a similar experience will be along to reply to you soon, but, in the meantime, you may find it helpful to look at other conversations in the Losing a Partner category to see what other people’s experiences have been.

For example, @Nuran and @Jools1 have both lost their husbands very suddenly at similar ages (39 and 42). I’m tagging them here in case either of them might be around to reply to you.

Thank you so much for your kind words, I do find it easier to write my feelings down because all I do is cry. I will most certainly look for other people to share with…

Hello Lady101. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am not in the same situation as you because I lost my husband but I am sure our grief is much the same so I thought I would just let you know that I care. You ask when it will get better. I wish I knew. People on here say that it doesn’t, you just learn to acccept and live with it. Everyone is different though. For exampl, one of my friends, who dearly loved her husband, found herself able to go out and socialise quite soon after he died. Three months in and I can’t face that at all.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I feel for you. Stay safe.

Hi there,
Thank you for you kind words, it means a lot. I’m sorry about your sadness on loosing your husband.
I suffer with a lot of health issues myself and social anxiety is one, so like yourself I really struggle to be with people. Don’t even want to talk to anyone for days. I just never thought I could ever feel pain and heartache like I have, and also I think I just keep it all stored up because people don’t want to keep hearing about it and me keep blubbering.
Each day I try to tell myself tomorrow will be better.
Look after yourself I’m always here for a chat… Take care

Hi Lady101, You don’t have to read on if it’s too hard and I am so very sorry to hear of your tragic loss and I know how you feel although we are all at different positions, I lost my fiancé of 2 years in April he went out and walked the dog and the first I knew anything was when a lady came to the door asking if my man had been out with the dog and could I come with her, I could hear the dog barking and 100 yards from the bottom of the driveway and I saw his body lying there. I knew before I got to him he had gone. He lay in the street for 3 hours before they took him away, they got him to hospital and apparently tested him for COVID-19 which they say he proved positive for so that changed everything there was no post-mortem so now I will never know what really killed him and worse as they had no idea how to deal with this but it meant he had to have a direct cremation, they cremated him with nobody there and I am finding that so hard to cope with, I left him alone, he died in the street, was he scared, did he know what was happening to him. Anytime you want to chat I am here xxx

Hi Honeybee31.
I’m so sorry reading your post, that must have been absolutely awful for you, its all the unanswered questions isn’t it my lovely.
I’m only grateful with my fiance, that he didn’t suffer as he died of a Sudden death heart attack. And was found early in the morning by the bailiff at the fishing lake.
I think the thing I can’t get my head around is that he was absolutely fine when he went out, I got up with him which I don’t normally do as its too early, but it’s like it all happened for a reason.
I then spent the day wrapping his and my sons Christmas presents and putting them under the tree…
I still get angry with him and shout at his pictures, asking him why did he have to leave me…
I’m sure you have a lot of anger with all of it, just shout and scream say all that’s on your mind it does help a bit just to release some of your anxiety and tension.
I was 12 yrs older than my fiance so I was angry about that, saying it should have been me… I’m 54 and he would’ve been 42…
I hope I haven’t rambled on too much.
But I’m here 24/7 if you ever need to chat… Xxx

You haven’t rambled on it’s good to talk to someone in the same kind of position, I am 44 and Andy would’ve turned 50 3 weeks ago and I miss him more every day he was the absolute love of my life no he is the love of my life, but you know what I keep thinking what are we, if you lose your wife your a widower or a widow if you lose your husband but who are we, I am angry about that cos there’s no word, I am angry he left me, I’m scared he was scared and didn’t know what was happening but I guess if it was quick it was a blessing too, I am so angry at the fact they blamed the virus it’s just a cop out and as he’s been cremated I can’t demand an investigation I am just angry xxx

Yes I totally agree, to just push everything aside and blame it on covid is an absolute disgrace. There’s no compassion or respect given to you, and to do the cremation… I’m speechless for you sweetheart.
Yes like you say who are we, we lived together but I was not his next of kin, so some things I couldn’t deal with. Like you he was my soul mate, he knew me better than I knew myself…
I have got a corner unit especially for Chris my partner, I’ve got candles on there, angles, glass red roses, photos so I chop and change bits around…
Some days I can look at it and enjoy it, other days I can’t even look at it.
But every night I tell his photo on my bedside table all about my day, cry, shout, tell him off, laugh.
It’s still early days for you, mine is coming up to a year soon, but it still seems like it was only yesterday…

my partner went out to work in his van 12 days ago and now will never come hone
two policeman said they found him slumped at the wheel of his van. he was such an energetic positive man and its hard to take in. that morning was normal for us, he was happy and had a very lively personality.
thank you to all on this site, its so nice to the feel so alone

Hi there CH43,
It’s so awful isnt it just a normal day and then you get hit with something so tragic… There’s no time to prepare or process anything.
I feel your pain sweetheart.
I think I remember when I was told late that afternoon, I went in this hysteria state, saying no you’ve made a mistake because he wanted chicken bits for his dinner and that’s what I was cooking, also remember saying he’s probably on his way home now, cos we was watching the boxing match on later that night. Then kept saying I better phone this person and that person. Then the 2 police men said to me Heidi sit down, they told me again and I think that’s when I just screamed or yelled out, I can honestly say that was one of the worst days of my life. People say to me things will get better, you just have to take your time, everyone greaves differently and in different ways. It’s the loneliness and not having anyone to talk to about your day, or a program on the TV. I have the TV on as I like to hear people’s voices, I may not even be watching it but I feel like I’m not alone.
I really hope you start to feel some peace soon, cos we have to stick together all of us… Xx

Aww hunni I am so so sorry for your loss and please if I can help, chat, let me know, but I completely feel your pain xxx

I got memory box full of bits and pieces that remind me of Andy and I got his pjs made into a memory bear and a beautiful frame full of pictures of us when we went to Prague in March, got candles and I have memory decorations ordered for Christmas because I need to believe it will still happen and he knows how much I love Christmas and he will do anything to make sure I still get that xx

Aw that’s all so lovely and precious. I love wearing my Chris’s t-shirts cos I can still smell his body spray.
Yes for me last Christmas was a complete blur, I think this one will be harder somehow because I will be completely in control. There are some lovely things that can be made and personalised I could buy them all…
You do what is right for you, don’t ever let anyone tell you any different… Its what’s in your heart that matters… Xxx

My fiancee of 18 years was killed in a cycling accident in May. My research shows sudden death has a significant impact on our grief response. He was 5 minutes from being home.

I’m still in deep grief. It seems to get worse for me most days. But I do believe it will start to hurt less eventually. I’m actively seeking sites like this, so I can keep talking. All I want to do is find warm cave and stay there but I think talking to other widows helps.

I joined way-up.co.uk last week. They have zoom coffee meetings & events. Worth taking a look.

I can’t image how life can possibly shape up to be happy again. But I can’t bear the thought of staying this miserable and lonely forever. Keep reaching out and talking and hoping it will get better :heart:

Well that’s me hit another milestone without Andy it’s been 6mths since he passed and it’s not getting an easier to cope, it’s just so traumatising and I can’t believe that’s 6 mths this year has been difficult for everyone but it’s torture today xx

hi honeybee, so sorry that you are struggling. my partner died 5 weeks ago. His death was sudden and unexpected. We had been together for 6 years and I have been living with him in his house for 3 years.
some of his family moved into the house the day he died and I have now been given 4 weeks to leave.
I don’t understand, we have had a good relationship and we have always got along. grieving is hard under these circumstances
I like you feel that this year has been such a nightmare. all I can do is get on. with things . I’m trying to be the best person I can. I read somewhere that roots of a tree grow strong when battered by the wind. I am trying to imagine that all of this is making me a stronger person.

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My fiancee’s family went batshit crazy and turned on me. One of them I’d had a close, loving relationship with. You just can’t work out how they can be so cruel to a person who has just lost their world. But it says everything about them. My thoughts are with you. I struggled to do anything for a good while. I’m 5 months on now. Still in pain, but have some moments of respite and calm.
I believe our pain can help us to transform. It will make you stronger. If you can get through this, you’ll be afraid of nothing else.
Sending you healing and love.

Jan x

So many of your stories resonate with me, I lost Mike suddenly, it was a pulmonary embolism.

We had been together for 30 years, we went our separate ways for a few years, but came back together. We weren’t currently living together, but were talking about moving back in together, then suddenly he was gone (so who are we? Not a widow in the eyes of the law, it’s as if we are somehow invisible.

Mike had sent me a text message the night I lost him ( I didn’t hear my phone as I was asleep) so I didn’t read his message until the morning, he had said he was going to the hospital and would I take care of his cat. I phoned him, no answer, I rang around the hospitals and couldn’t find him, I went down to his house, no answer, then his neighbour came out and told me that he had died, he never made it to the hospital.

The guilt for not seeing his message, for not being there with him, for him being alone, frightened and scared.

Then Mikes family, as we weren’t married, I had no official say in any of the arrangements, I was told no flowers, none of Mikes friends to the funeral ( we could of had a few) it was at the beginning of the Covid outbreak. Thankfully a couple of Mikes friends threw caution to the wind and did attend, I was so pleased to see them.

I wasn’t permitted to say any words at the funeral, the songs were chosen, I wasn’t asked if there was a song I wanted. I feel terrible that I didn’t stand up for myself and Mike, I was numb and in shock and just completely immobilised, I will always regret how I didn’t speak up.

I thought I had a good relationship with Mikes Mum and stepfather, we weren’t close, but there wasn’t any animosity as far as I was aware. A few weeks after Mikes funeral his Mum called and said some terrible and hurtful things about Mike, all of which are untrue and inferences about our relationship, I think she knew Mike the boy, but she didn’t know Mike the man. I have no idea why she would have been so unkind, so I have stepped away, loosing Mike was so painful and I do not need additional stress.

Covid - Honeybee, I had the opposite experience to you, I was told Mike tested negative (April 2020) this is when the tests were giving false positives/negatives). The day Mike died, his work colleague, they worked in a team, became ill, 2.5weeks later he collapsed and was rushed to hospital with blood clots in his legs and lungs ( exactly the same as Mike). I firmly believe they both had Covid, Mike’s colleague was told he had a virus…

I strongly suspect that Covid 19 could be behind many sudden deaths, as we know it causes sticky blood, could it be that for some people, long before any symptoms appear, it is working silently in the background? I will never know, but I am raising my concerns to anyone that will listen, Coronor, Thrombosis UK, researchers etc.

Sorry for my long essay, I feel for you all as we struggle through this and try to piece events and our lives back together, sending you all a huge hug and the strength to keep going.

Hi Honeybee,

Oh my goodness, please accept my apologies, I had an awful funeral experience, but reading what happened to you is beyond belief. It is so painful loosing your partner, but your experience, I can’t begin to imagine how you felt and feel, I am thinking of you, sending you a hug.