Thank you for your message, i can understand about visiting your husbands grave, i went morning and night to the undertakers where Jackies body was for two weeks until the service, just to spend a few minutes the other side of the wall.
I am happy that I have my beautiful wife’s ashes here in my bedroom and i sit with them now and then and chat. But i talk to her all the time and have loads of photos.
What keeps me going is knowing that we will meet again and that o want to make her proud by the things that i do, so i try every day to do somthing to make her proud.
I get lots of signs, even today i was in her greenhouse and a beautiful butterfly came un and joined me for a few precious minutes.
I am finding the most difficult part is not being able to see her happy with what i do or with her on outings, meals, holiday or just in the lounge watching TV. I am well capable of all that but why bother for myself when most of rhe joy i had was seeing my wife happy.
So waiting to join my wife is my life.
Thank you for sharing your feelings, we are all in a terrible place and i cannot see an easy way anywhere.
I understand how you feel, when he first died, I died too, nothing or nobody, I simply wasn’t interested, then slowly the fog starts lifting, even though you’re still broken, it’s taken me a long time to get here, I’m still broken, still alive but alone, I’ve changed the house, done the things we’d talked about doing to it, redesigned the gardens, is he proud of me? I don’t know, but like you I’ve sign’s constantly, I’ve seen him, sitting in his chair in his ‘man cave’ feathers everywhere, butterfly in the kitchen Saturday but he’s not here, so like you, I’m living with life until I can be with him again, so I can only take from the signs that he’s proud of me, at least I hope he is. Keep going, I’m sure the signs are there because she knows that you are living without her. They say life is hard, but it’s even harder by yourself, I know they are with us.
Hi Rhody,
I feel for you.I have been reluctant to post anything because it’s 5 years since losing my darling husband Roy,and I miss him so very much,some days are unbearable.I didn’t want to post something negative,because many on this site
are looking to us who are several years bereaved for hope and comfort.Truth is I suppose that everyone’s grief is different.But like yourself,time is definitely not healing . Sending love to all
Hi, i can so empathise with this. I had some money coming which we planned to have a holiday with & with our dogs. Unfortunately that can’t now happen & although yes, i now have that money, it means nothing now really. Now others have said, oh enjoy yourself with it, she’d want that & yes, they aren’t wring but doesn’t feel the same. Doesn’t have that feel of joy & i lived to make her happy & enjoy things. I wanted her to enjoy this, hadn’t had a holiday for years. It’s an awful time.
Exactly the same here. We could and shpuld have been going on holiday anywhere at the drop of a hat but 3.5 years on chemo … no foreign holidays and now no holidays at all. Never even drew a penny of her state pension at 63.
Life is all wrong some how
I totally get this it is 1 year on October 11th for my lovely hubbies passing and by goodness I have seen a total change in family and friends bar one friend I have known since Infants school she has been a godsend better I can honestly say than my own siblings whom really if I do not visit them they certainly do not visit me or include me unless I actually tell them face to face that I feel not included then they will ask me but I do not want to keep having to vocally telling them surely they should have that bit sense to think for themselves I too had Covid (my good friend also had it) a couple month ago and to be totally honest I could have passed away myself as no one bothered to ask apart from when I first got it then nothing just as well I class myself so lucky that I still have my son living at home because if I did not I think this life would be truthfully not worth living. How sad that people just think this is acceptable behaviour once the funeral is over
So sorry to hear about your loss, my partner passed away a week ago at the local hospice. This Saturday I myself came down with covid so have been feeling rough the last few days. I guess it is hard for some people they do not know what to say so choose to say nothing. I must admit some of my friends have been very supportive and I have been very glad of that and also my faith. 2023 has been a very tough year and the hardest part is still to come I feel. Its still such early days. I have taken on a volunteering role just a couple of mornings and I am enjoying that. I told my partner before he passed and it pleased him. He was so beautiful both inside and out and we had only just started our journey together. Thinking of you.
My children are the same, not all of them, my two sons moved back home when my husband died, my daughter and her fiancé call round every day, the others…… don’t think they know I’m still alive, but and it’s a big but, my daughter and her fiancé seem to be under the impression that they’re entitled to treat me as if I’ve already lost the plot, the other day they were talking about putting me in a home! They don’t want me living with them when I’m too old or lost me marbles! Who needs friends when you have family like that! Maybe I should find some friends,
It’s my own fault, I let them take charge for months after Martin died and it went straight to the future son in law’s head, my husband didn’t like him, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and now he’s gone and proved that my husband was right to dislike him, he’s rude to me, he talks about me to my granddaughter and being almost 4 she repeats everything she hears, he makes jokes about my clothes that I wear and my daughter tries to laugh it off!! But karma will never be far away.
Mahi that is absolutely awful but I fully understand how this can happen it seems once you no longer have your loved one with you some people look and see vulnerability then play on it as long story short but my daughters new boyfriend whom on her reccomendation told me a load cock and bull about how he was a fab bathroom fitter (As I was looking to get it done) even showing me pictures of the work he had done so giving him the chance I went head with it lo and behold the end result was my bathroom being left in a terrible state and basically scammed out of over two thousand pounds with my Son telling him to get out and never come back in no uncertain terms then to add insult to injury my daughter decided to stick by him chuck me and her brother under the bus and has never spoke to me or him for 4 month now I never ever thought I was the type person to have a scam done to me as I have always been pretty strong in lives struggles but I did and felt a right fool into the bargain however because of my state mind at the time they played on it I can see that now but as you say Karma is a funny thing.
I do not know how especially family can sleep at night but they seem to however I know easier said than done as it truly hurts but try to hold your head high rise above it and take care of yourself
It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who’s been taken for a fool just because we’re trying to navigate this place we find ourselves in, but I’m my own worst enemy and forgive and forget far too easily because once I gave him ‘ permission’ he seems to have taken it to a whole new level! He continues to interfere with my home, changing furniture or it’s placement, but when I change it to how I want it to look, feel like, my daughter steps up and asks me why I’m doing things differently? I can’t win, but at the end of the day it’s still my home and my choices, it’s hard without my husband, as he didn’t take the nonsense from him, I do but I’m beginning to think first ( sometimes)
@Rhody,I can relate to what you are saying. It is only 10 months since my husband passed away. I find it hard. We didn’t socialise a lot, did everything together. I struggle to go out on my own but have joined a couple of groups where I have been made very welcome. It is the coming home to an empty house that is the hardest. I still have his ashes at home because I can’t find any relatives to come with me when I scatter them. Our two kids have completely blanked me, and even our eldest grand daughter has stopped talking to me. I always say good morning and good night to my husband and still chat away to him about things that are bothering me. The only way I can describe how I feel is that it is like I am an empty shell. I meet people at the groups and chat away to them but there is no life in my replies. It is so hard to adapt. We were married for 51 years and together for 55 years. I just tell everyone I’m fine but I know inside. I’m not. The only people who understand are the ones who have joined this exclusive club. It is a club no one wants to belong to. I just wish I could hear his voice again
Oh Caw1 ,i understand exactly what you are going through and its terrible, and i agree ,coming home to an epty house is heartrending, and nothing ever feels the same. I go through the motions of being sociable but my hearts not in it, But in your case how heartless to know your kids just blank you, that is exceedingly cruel, but sadly thats family for you, my family are exactly the same and now we are completely estranged, but what i say is, one day they will know what its like, no one is immune to great loss. I am truly sorry that you are not getting the support you need, its hard, terribly hard. In my case i am so grateful i have 2little dogs’, for without them i doubt i would be here. They are an enormous tie, but my goodness they are worth it.
I would love to get a small dog, but I lnow my mobility isn’t that good and I would struggle to take them for a walk. I could employ a dog walker but I just about survive on my pension and my husband’s small army pension. No one tells you you only get a third of their original pension. Unfortunately, it takes me just over the limit for pension credit. At least I have just enough to heat my flat, pay all the bills and eat. Sometimes I sit at home and think what the future holds. Does bear thinking about you can on for many years in this limbo
I’m sorry to hear that even though you’re braver than me and got out to meet like minded people, it still doesn’t ‘ fix’ us does it, I’ve been blanked by my daughters, one is ours, the other two from my previous marriage, I can’t believe that our children can be so cruel, they have one parent, but it’s like saying “ you had one job “ our daughter sometimes feels guilty and will call to see me, but as she once told my eldest granddaughter “ she can’t tolerate me for long “ she sounds like an 18 year old, she’s thirty and has a daughter of her own! There’s nothing we can do or say to these children, I’m not begging for them to see me, I’m dealing with with their fathers death and that’s enough for now, while I will always love them and will never wish bad things on them, I hope one day they feel a tenth of the way they make me feel, I’m so angry with them!
@Mahi. I am sorry you are suffering the same problems with your children. The only way I can cope with that right now is to just ignore them. It is hard because at the end of the day they will always be your babies. My daughter is coming up for 51 and my son 49. They have children of their own. Neither of them have a partner, so at then end of the day, they don’t comprehend the grief that we go though losing a partner. My son lives in New Zealand and my daughter lives about 5 miles from me. When my husband went into hospital she didn’t come to visit him and when palliative nurse phoned her to say he was expected to last the night, she couldn’t even be bothered to come in to say goodbye to him. Work was more important. I can’t forgive her for that. At a time when I needed support, there was no one around. I hope things improve for you. We will never be the same and I find that hard to adapt to. I don’t expect to have a relationship with my children again and I do worry that when I pass away, will I be not found for a few months. My brother has said if he knows I have passed away, he will register my death and scatter mine and my husband’s ashes, but he doesn’t want the hassle of being an executor. I don’t have a property to worry about and the kids have already told me they want nothing from the house. I just miss seeing the grand children though
My daughter from my first marriage and her son moved back home with my husband and myself and stayed with us for 5 years, I dragged my grandson up, even after she got her own house, we still picked him up from school, did his homework with him, gave both of them dinner every night, still looked after them, then our daughter wanted to leave home, I suggested they move in together, company and safety for all, fast forward, he’s now 17, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen him, our own daughter made it her life’s mission to ban me from seeing our granddaughter when she was born, my husband would be asked to call down and see her, but not to bring me, then she started having driving lessons, she needed him to take her to meet her driving instructor, so I was ‘ allowed’ to babysit, she passed her during test, then she told her dad lies , she lied to him in hospital, such a whopper that he rang me and asked if I’d done what she said? He was being treated for heart problems! When he came home eventually from hospital, he told me what she’d said and that was she never wanted to see or speak to me again! But her toxicity towards me, rubbed off on my two other daughters, one of the reasons why I haven’t seen my grandson, my granddaughter and now my other daughters children! When Martin died, our daughter was drunk as a skunk at his funeral, my two daughters blamed me for his death and now I’m banned from their lives, no happy birthdays, nothing at Christmas or new year, one daughter even posted on Facebook that her mother in law was the mother she never had! But that’s nothing compared to losing Martin, they wouldn’t have done anything like this, because they loved him, now he’s no longer here, there’s nothing stopping them from all out attacks on me!
@Mahi. Everything in your post sounds exactly like my family. After Terry passed away I saw a counsellor. We talked about a lot of things and I mentioned I have no contact with my children. His advice to me was can I change the way they think and act. I said obviously not, so his next word of advice was to look after myself. Easier saud than done. Just recently my son in New Zealand was having suicidal thoughts. I had to get the police here in UK to contact Interpol, who then contacted NZ police to do a welfare check on him. To cut a long story short, he was very angry with me for contacting the police and if I got in touch with him again, he would have a restraining order taking out on me. Spent the next couple of weeks in tears but come through the other side and decided he was not going to bring me down to his level. I have enough to worry about just getting through the day sometimes. As someone said to me, they could well be in the same situation themselves in the future. Try not to dwell on it to much and concentrate on your own wellbeing
