That’s a great idea to get away, lovely place to go too x enjoy the peace 
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@Sienna1 @Anna_321 @Ally6 as crazy as this may sound, when I bought the caravan I felt like I had a safe space of peace and just walking along the beach all wrapped up, does work wonders for me. If you ever fancy a break, you’re more than welcome to go to my caravan. I let friends and family use it, and even though we’ve never met, we have all shared the something that not many people would understand. My mum always taught me a good heart never wants, so if you fancy a weekend away, DM me and I’ll share the details. It’s more like a lodge tbh, 8 min walk from the sea front x😘
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That is so very kind of you 🩷🥹 xxx I do feel like we know each other, sharing such an important part of our lives xxx
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@Sienna1 @Ally6
It could be the perfect tonic to bring a little peace of mind and space to think, about the wonderful beings are mums were and still are to us, in the most difficult times of our lives. It’s a genuine offer if you ever want to get away for a few days xx
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Oh @VictoriaB1 getting away sounds like a brilliant move. 
It’s so lovely of you to offer it to us too 
Since covid I basically avoided a lot of things to ensure I wouldn’t catch covid (or anything else) so that mum wouldn’t ever get it too. I really do need to get away but I don’t even have the energy to agree to meet a friend for a coffee or really commit to anything. I’m in some sort of daze & I can’t seem to find a way out of it.
@Sienna1, deleting social media is a great move! I did the same years ago. I saw friends going through terrible times & posting all this nonsense about how great their lives were, slavishly following ex’s accounts etc. It’s just bizarre & really unhealthy. I hope the UK can follow Australia & stop children from being able to access it.
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I avoid people because I don’t want to deal with the how are you doing question. As you say @VictoriaB1, if you say you’re ok or act ok they assume the grief is all behind you & if you say you’re not ok they don’t actually know what to do. I just got a text from a friend in Australia saying she was sick on Christmas Day so she forget to say in her happy Christmas message that it must be difficult for me. I hadn’t responded to the happy Christmas so I guess she realised days later that maybe I’m not happy.
I used to be a happy, joyful person & I don’t think I’ll ever see that part of me again.
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@Anna_321, I fully get what you’re saying, people just don’t understand and still send messages saying happy this and happy that. I also feel like I’ll never be me again. My mum was the wind beneath my wings and I never knew it until she had gone. My mum was my only parent, may dad died when I was 3 so my mum was my everything. Sending love and strength, we will get through these next few days, 1 step at a time x
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Oh I’m so sorry to hear you grew up without your dad @VictoriaB1. 
That really highlights how phenomenal your mum was.
There’s something about that generation of women that is so inspiring. When I think about what my mum went through in her life, I’m in awe of her.
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Thank God that’s all over now
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Fully agree
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How long is it going to take to get to a point where we’re able to live without our mums & feel ok? I am just existing at a most basic level.
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I’m on the same page as you @Anna_321
I can’t sleep again tonight, I sometimes feel like if I sleep then I have to wake up again to the reality that my mum isn’t here with me anymore and it’s like I’m reliving it all again. Then it starts all over again, finding the strength to get up, to shower, to work, to be present and the truth is I just don’t want to be at this moment in time. 16 months have passed and I sometimes can’t even believe she’s gone. How are you doing? What emotions are you going through at the minute? Sending love 
xx
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Anna, you have just got yourself through your first Christmas and new year without your mum, I felt the impact of that last year really hitting me hard in January, to the point where I took a month off work to recover emotionally. It is beyond words or measurements what you are going through, if it’s possible, try and take some time for yourself to heal xx 
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I only feel pain & loss or numb/ nothing. I just can’t be bothered with this endless cycle. I haven’t slept at night since mum died as if I do I wake up scared/ screaming/ crying in the dark. There’s no point talking to the GP as they just want to medicate us. Sleeping pills, relaxants, antidepressants, they can see I’ve never needed medication thus far in life yet they are quick to push the pills to get you out in under 10 minutes. I’m depressed but I’ve good reason. The pills won’t help the grief or fast forward the clock.
I have all the time in the world but I don’t want it.
Looking at this site there are so many people way further down the time line than us @VictoriaB1 who are still in a bad way so it scares me that this is it.
Also I’m so changed now. I’m not nice or kind or caring or thoughtful anymore. I’m sad & impatient & angry & bitter. I don’t want to be this person.
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I can’t sleep either, it’s 4.18am and my brain is just not letting me.
Sadly doctors just want to medicate us - you’re right, how long is a person meant to take pills, it is grief; it is real, a human emotion which cannot be tamed.
I don’t think we will ever get over this pain, it will always be there… some people say you just learn how to manage it, but it’s easier said than done when you’re living a nightmare and physically react with crying and panic attacks… I get you. I have taken time out as I am not fit mentally to hold down a job, it’s too much, with this sleep issue I would probably lose a job anyway or be useless at it. Those who can - fair play to you, you are stronger than me, it is so so tough to even survive the basics.
Sending you best wishes and I don’t know what else to say; we can just speak to each other and try find a way x
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My brother said I am becoming bitter and selfish because I didn’t want to listen to a family member’s problems regarding contact issues with his children due to the mother denying him contact. I haven’t got the capacity in my brain to deal with it. This is totally opposite to my previous personality before mum, as I’ve always been sympathetic and helped others. I just don’t have it in me, I don’t think it’s selfish, it’s more safeguarding myself from more negativity and trauma which is unnecessary. I feel like I’m battling with people on a daily basis, I want to be left alone. I did help people before and my previous job was people orientated but it’s not me anymore. I understand what you mean by not wanting to be that way, it’s not like we are bad people, we just had the worst thing happen to us and we can’t be expected to be the same as before.
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Good advice x take time out if you can and just be x
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@Anna_321 @Sienna1
I’m glad I’m/were not alone and that the way we feel is understandable to each other. I fully share how you both feel about everything. I’ll never be the same person I was when mum was in my life. I feel completely broken and nothing can fix me. Sending love to you both
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I quit my job as it was such a full on role with long hours, lots of stress, constant deadlines & dealing with too many people. I can’t burst out crying in meeting or scream at colleagues. The most innocent of comments can set me off.
When mum was sick they let me wfh as I said I’d have to quit otherwise, but the minute she was gone it was oh we will now manage you back over the next month to FT in the office. I often used to work 12+ hour days & over weekends & bank holidays ( just paid to do a 35 hour week mind you). Was signed off when mum got very ill / hospitalised & all HR cared about was when would I go in despite their own occupational health person telling them I was in a bad way & that everyone’s grief journey is different.
This sounds terrible but right now I don’t have the capacity to deal with people & their mostly superficial problems.
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