Hi @Simon303,
I’m so sorry to read your message. My deepest condolences. You have just lost your darling mum & are in a state of shock. Everything you are feeling is a result of your grief.
Please don’t torture yourself replaying things you said & did or did not do. You are only human. You did your best. You are evidently a very loving son & your mum knew you loved her.
You have your wonderful stepdad & the two of you can support each other.
Take a day at the time. Don’t put pressure on yourself. Make sure you & your stepdad eat.
This website is full of people like us, all trying to navigate our grief. I have found comfort from reading messages & the kind responses of others.
You are not alone.
I am enjoying the midnight library. It’s beautifully written & the audio version is narrated really well by Carey Mulligan.
An October wedding sounds wonderful & I hope focussing on it will push some of the pain out of your heart & replace it with happiness.
I feel stuck Victoria. Stuck in my loss. Time isn’t helping or healing. I have no motivation to do anything. I don’t recognise the person I have become.
Thank you for your kind words. I have already found comfort in reading the posts on this forum but the place we find ourselves in is so dark. I just hope you are correct and things will ease over time. We’ll never get over the sorrow, but the ability to live around the sorrow is the best i can hope for.
@Anna_321 thank you, I’m hoping this is true. I am with you in the feeling of not recognising my own self, if honest, I’ll never be the same person of energy, happiness, positivity, laughter, confidence, wholeness. I have a hole inside my heart and life I’ll never ever fill and no matter how much time passes me by, and it is just passing me by at the minute, I will never get over losing my mum.
I’m going to listen to the midnight library this evening, I need something xx
Sending you love and strength to get get through the day, its hard xx
@Simon303 I’m so sorry for your loss, there are no words that express what you must be going through. We find ourselves in this group that you wouldn’t wish on anyone, but I have to say, this platform and chat group has and still does to this day, brings something of a sense of understanding, empathy, compassion and real support. We are all here if you want to reach out, express yourself or just part of this horrendous journey in life, which will hopefully bring some kind of healing together. Sending love x
I think im going to have to relisten to the midnight library now that everyones reading it!
@Sienna1 i got gifted a grief book from a friend shortly after mum died and i felt the same - it was after we’d met for coffee and i was very upset. The book title was really specific, something like “how to go on after the death of your mother” and it just felt like this friend didnt know how to support me, so “go read this and get yourself better”. Im sure it wasnt the intention but ive become hyper sensitive! But another friend gifted me the book of poems “wild hope” by Donna Ashworth and that felt like a really lovely gesture.
If you do decide to explore any grief books, one i would recommend is “its ok that youre not ok” by Megan Devine, and possibly “good mourning - honest conversations about grief and loss”. Ive not read the latter but i listen to their podcast all the time and found that really helpful.
There are just two states - an emotional numbness where you can just about function and a shouting, wailing, sobbing madness. And a massive disbelief this has happend. I find the imagery shocking too - I did CPR on my mum which is something I will never ever get over. I am not sure I will be able to do a first aid course again.
@Simon303 I am sorry for the loss of your beautiful mother, makes me so sad reading about your experience. Your definition of it is so true, you either let it out fully or go numb, it is ever so early for you.
I found I was having bursts of anger and crying and then bouts of numbness, still am having that. I too get flashbacks and try to block them out but it’s difficult as it’s at the forefront.
You tried to save your mum, and it sounds like you did everything you could, doing CPR is not an easy thing to do, it is so difficult let alone on a loved one… I feel emotional just thinking about it. What a great son, you did what you could please remember that x you are only human.
I have so many regrets too, what could I have done better, why didn’t I question the doctors more…
This chat group is amazing I would say keep talking to people on here. In my experience people in the group understand more than anyone else around me and it’s helped me a lot. Take it one day at a time. Right now it’s more about survival and getting to grips with what’s just happened
@Simon303 there are also cancer charities that can provide direct help. Maggies is one.- they helped mum when she first had cancer. Amazing people. I haven’t approached any of these places yet as I get triggered by that topic at present but maybe one day I will. Thought I would share in case you wanted to have a look x
@VictoriaB1@Anna_321 I feel the same, not the same person at all. And existing and not living is the exact definition, @Anna_321.
I had a dream of mum last night it was beautiful I was talking to her, hugging her, I could smell her, feel the softness of her skin and I could feel the hugs and then I saw my grandparents there too, all 3 of them, they were sitting having tea. I felt so comforted I didn’t want to wake up. When I woke up, it was the worst feeling. I tried to force myself back into the dream for hours but it didn’t happen.
I feel a bit numb in my brain today, I can feel the numbness physically in my head and I look really sad in the mirror.
Oh @Sienna1 it is beautiful that you dreamt about your mum . Seeing her with your grandparents is definitely a sign that she is back with them. Take some small comfort from this.
@Simon303 the rage, anger, numbness, disbelief, physical pain, torturing yourself with what ifs etc are all part of your grief.
One thing I would say is be careful who you direct your anger at. Vent it on here or to a counsellor rather than at family or friends. 5 months on I still have burst of intense anger.
Who apart from you stepdad do you have supporting you?
My gp said they don’t usually advise counselling until about 3 months on but in my area there is a long wait for counselling (5 months) so I would recommend that you get your name down at least with this website where they offer online sessions in the next month or so. (I think there’s still a long wait with this site).
@Sienna1 oh my goodness, I have to say, I think that you’re dream is 100% something telling you that your mum has found her parents and they are all together again, it is a feeling that I would welcome if I had such a dream about my mum being with my dad
We are getting through another day, that’s how it feels, it’s like a fog that doesn’t lift. Sending love xx
Thank you for your lovely comments - it is so reassuring to know my feelings relate to your own experience. I am not angry as such, just absorbed by a helpless desperation.
@Anna_321@Sienna1
How are you both doing today?
I’ve just been reading all about the midnight library, i think it’s a book that I need to take to the caravan with me to read in peace and tranquil surroundings so I’m going to order it
I so enjoyed it @VictoriaB1. I listened to the audio book & pretty much inhaled it in a few sittings.
I won’t throw any spoilers out there but there’s a bit around the middle (I think) that really got me & I’m sure it will get you too.
I feel like I’m going to feel this sad & low forever. My eyes & skin around them is burnt from all the tears.
Oh @Anna_321 im really grateful to you for the late reply, I’m can’t sleep tonight and you wouldn’t believe me but my eyes are so sore and red, and itchy through crying so much, I feel so understood talking on here. How’s your day been? Have you done anything productive or positive? I feel like I’m up and down like a bloody new bride’s nightie 1 minute I’m waking up to the reality that mums gone, even now after 16 months I still think that she is sat at home, i feel physically sick and cry and cry because this nightmare we’re living is real and my mum, my absolute everything in life for 50 years has gone. I then I feel like I have to get myself together and get up and go to work or at least log on. No matter how much love I have around me and best friends, I can’t even imagine myself trying to explain this whole day after day heartbreak to anyone other than people on here. They are a universe away from ever understanding. No one gets it. When I do say that I’m not good and struggling, that I miss my mum so bad, they come out with some words of what they think will help me and it just infuriates me. I actually got up this morning, showered and dressed suited and booted, and went into the office. I felt good and looked the part but for very short lived time, it just brought all my memories flooding back to when I’d ring mum on my way to work and again on my way home telling her all about my day. I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life.
I came home, went in my home gym and tried with everything I had to do something good, made a healthy dinner, and again, it lasts seconds. Everything counts for nothing without my mum. Then i honestly think to myself, what’s the point xxx
So much depth of emotion that I try to gain some form of trying to manage and it’s exhausting because tomorrow morning I’m right back to where I was this morning but with less care or wanting to put myself through it all again tomorrow xx
I think I’d cope better if I was lying by an infinity pool with the sun shining and an all inclusive bar for a few months. Seriously considering booking something and getting away from this snow and minus 7 weather
@VictoriaB1 hey x it’s such a rollercoaster of emotions, just when you think you are going to try, it all comes tumbling down… you are so strong to go into work, that takes a lot of strength and you are an inspiration 🩷
The way you have explained your feelings and life without your mum is exactly the same for me… I’ve had a few days of numbness, I physically felt that my brain had frozen/lost feeling for the past 2 days. I too shared everything with mum, you reminded me of me when you said you spoke to your mum on your way to work and on your way home, we shared everything and every little detail and now there’s no one to hear us… it is so so lonely. I totally get you x I feel like there is no one else in this world that I will have this relationship with, ever. I was speaking to my partner about this and I explained to him that I crave that mother daughter relationship, I don’t have kids either and I feel that relationship is lost forever now, that unconditional love.
. Seeing her with your grandparents is definitely a sign that she is back with them. Take some small comfort from this. 
1 minute I’m waking up to the reality that mums gone, even now after 16 months I still think that she is sat at home, i feel physically sick and cry and cry because this nightmare we’re living is real and my mum, my absolute everything in life for 50 years has gone. I then I feel like I have to get myself together and get up and go to work or at least log on. No matter how much love I have around me and best friends, I can’t even imagine myself trying to explain this whole day after day heartbreak to anyone other than people on here. They are a universe away from ever understanding. No one gets it. When I do say that I’m not good and struggling, that I miss my mum so bad, they come out with some words of what they think will help me and it just infuriates me. I actually got up this morning, showered and dressed suited and booted, and went into the office. I felt good and looked the part but for very short lived time, it just brought all my memories flooding back to when I’d ring mum on my way to work and again on my way home telling her all about my day. I’ve never felt so alone in my whole life.