Yeah, it’s just so hard.
I should really be sorting my CV & thinking about applying for jobs but I don’t think in this state I’d ace any interview. It worries me how bad I am really.
I did do homework with my nephew & play some Mario & read him some stories. I now try to at least pull myself together around him. No child should need to worry about adults & I’m ashamed to say he has had to worry about me. Sometimes I think he has more compassion & sense in him than any grown man I know. I can’t hide my eyes from him but he now understands that I will always cry for Nannie but I can still do things with him.
I have one friend who God bless him sent me a new year message yesterday saying he knows I didn’t have a happy one & that he hopes 2025 will feel a bit better. I so appreciated him holding off.
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I cried on the bus twice the other day seeing parents with their children … it’s so lonely and painful.
Sounds like we have all been struggling particularly more these past few days x
Hope you are looking after yourselves as best as possible x
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I’m planning on going to London in the next few weeks re work, I’ll let you both know when @Anna_321 and @Sienna1
I think it would be great if we could all tie in with each other and maybe meet up for a coffee or wine or self made counselling session, what do you think xx
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You read my mind @VictoriaB1. I was going to ask you & @Sienna1 if we could try to meet up
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@Anna_321 hi Anna, I too feel that my eyes have changed, I have bags under my eyes and just sadness which will never go away. They get so sore and dry, I feel like I’ve cried floods of tears. I used to get palpitations in my left eye before too and twitching /throbbing near my eyebrow. I seem to get a lot of physical reactions to my grief which can be scary.
Have you tried eye drops? I got some the other day for extra dry eyes. I also got this cooling eye mask from boots but only used it once, it’s a reusable one.
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I agree with Sienna that the fact that you go to work & can hold it together is inspiring.
We are all just so broken. I know my sister is the same but she is better able to hide as she has no choice but I saw her crying yesterday when she was making a dinner that my mum said she dreamed of in hospital. My sister keeps forgetting that she made it for mum when she came home ( mum could only eat a tiny bit by that stage) but she really enjoyed it.
I do wonder if this is how people become hard inside. You know those people who no longer care about anything or anyone.
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That’s it’s @Sienna1 you are spot on, that unconditional love where our mums would always have our backs, always listen to our daily chats, and care. Always put us first, always always be our no1 go to for everything in life.
Thanks for the kind and supportive words, my love and respect for my mum, to derail completely would break her heart and she also brought me up and prepared me for one day having to go through life without her. I can’t give up but the pain in my heart will probably destroy me as the person I was xx
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That’s exactly what my younger brother said to me today, he said mum always said you have to do something, she used to say - you have to just get on with it ! x I know I need to do the same as you, I have been telling myself that I need to not let myself spiral down into the pits of hell for the sake of my mum and the sacrifices she made for her children to survive.
@Anna_321 I like you am worried I’m not good at interviews and all that, everything has changed and I don’t think I would fit in.
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@Anna_321 awww that’s really sad… the memories of these things are heartbreaking. What was the meal your sister was making? If you don’t mind sharing xxx
My mum also ate very little,
But there was always room for dessert xxx
Your brothers right sienna 
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I have bags & really black marks around my eyes & one is in such a bad state ( dunno if that eye cries more 
) The pain from the salty tears is really bad & it has made my skin so dry & flaky. My eyes certainly aren’t dry - think I’m getting dehydrated from the tears.
Also I’ve had lots of my hair fall out. Was having handfuls come out everyday so much so that I stopped brushing it. Think that at least has calmed down now ( I stopped eating for a few weeks when mum died).
Yes @Sienna1 I can’t see myself having those nonsense small talk chats you need to have when you’re new to a job. I’d not be able to fake happiness at the moment.
The meal was lamb chops with carrots & parsnips & mash & onion gravy.
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It’s so strange - any of the messages you write @Sienna1 & @VictoriaB1 could have come from me.
I sometimes read them & think I wrote them! 
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Thank you Anna, today was a day where I felt I had to dig deeper and get myself together. I really didn’t want to use the weather and minus 7 degrees as an excuse
I’ve had the same thought about people becoming hard and not caring or showing emotion. I can honestly say that I have felt that feeling so many times in regards to different situations and prior to mum dying, that would probably have never happened. It does change you. It has changed me and i very much doubt that ill ever be the same caring soft loving person again with the exception of my gorgeous fiancé
Xx
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I agree with you, I feel the same. We really do understand each other and feel and express in a very similar way xx
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Sounds like a beautiful meal xxx
It’s all the little things that mean so much, I have been avoiding things that mum loved because it makes me so sad … but I know it’s also something to treasure, bitter sweet.
My brother was going through a little tin/case where my mum kept things in, including a little wrist band thing he made at primary school, then I said to him… where has mum gone, I can’t believe she’s not here. It hit me all over again today like I had just woken up from a daze.
It’s like you said @Anna_321 it is existing not living.
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All the physical reactions you are experiencing are from your stress levels being so elevated. I really hope the counselling can help with that. Others on this site do say they found it beneficial.
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I have heard people have benefited from counselling, I’m going to try it- first one is next week, just an assessment to see how they can help… I’m nervous as when I talk about it I get physical reactions, sometimes it’s immediate and sometimes it’s delayed.
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I too avoid a lot of things (so I don’t do anything or go anywhere) as I can’t cope thinking mum would like this or that or thinking I need to tell mum about something.
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that’s something very special, how many people in our lives can put something like that together ? Very thoughtful and touching.