Over the past two days I’ve had multiple groups of friends message to suggest we should all meet up, let’s arrange a date… I’m sitting there thinking, no, I don’t want to and I don’t feel up to it. I feel that people think I should be over it now, they have forgotten that I have lost the core of my soul and everything I ever knew and I am not the same person and never will be.
One friend sent me a message today, it was a gif/photo about having kids, and celebrating life. She said ‘both mums sent me this…’ I was gobsmacked, why would you send that to someone who has lost their mum. I just don’t understand it. I know she still has her mum and her mother in law too, and two children and lives the perfect life… but I don’t have any of that and I feel absolutely devastated already without someone telling me.
The same person also send another link to instagram about women without children and how it doesn’t matter…
Talk about running salt into my wounds today. The two things I want the most and can’t have.
I don’t even contact anyone and people feel they can bombard me with this negativity I don’t need.
I am questioning certain people in my life right now and whether they really are friends or just people I know with who I have nothing in common with now. I’m quite happy being on my own.
I am ignoring them for now, but I feel it’s taking up space in my head which I don’t have to give !
Sorry if the above makes no sense, I am just venting and wondering whether anyone else has had this issue so far ? X
Hi @Sienna1, sounds like you’re having a bad day
I often find that text messages can be misinterpreted as the words are just flat. I’m sure your friends asking to meet up are asking out of love & wanting to see you. I’m in the same boat hun. I’ve not met up with a single one of my friends since mums funeral 5 months ago. We have to see things from our friends side too in that what can they do for us? They can’t fix us as only our mums can do that, but they can keep checking in on us in the hope that we may say yes to something. I’m trying to gather the strength to say yes to something small like a coffee / walk. We need to try to reconnect with the world again in some small way otherwise how on earth can we go on like this.
Now don’t get me started on the gif messages about kids & mums. Grr, some people are so wrapped up in themselves. Delete those messages. That person is thoughtless. They wont have meant to hurt you.
One of my mum’s friends turned up about a month ago as my sis told her I was in a bad way. The poor woman talked about my mum in the present tense several times & kept beating herself up about it. I didn’t take any offence as she was coming from a good place. If she’d messaged me who knows what I would have thought.
That said there are people in all our lives who take from us emotionally & don’t add. I’m all for ditching them.
You, me @VictoriaB1, @Ally6 & everyone else in our position need to try, try & try again to pick ourselves up to honour our mums by accepting any help we can get. I believe our mums are out there somewhere & it would break their hearts to see us like this x
@Sienna1@Anna_321
I can fully relate to how you’re both feeling with friends, who come across as though nothing’s happened. Like we are as we were before losing our mums. I’ve had a rough weekend too, people wanting to make plans, which I know is nice and does do me good when I go, but honestly, I just want to scream out loud at the immense grief I’m feeling.
I think the new year has hit me really hard, I miss mum so much.
Sending love and strength to you both, @Sienna1 you are absolutely right to feel the way you do with messages like that of friends.
Thanks @Anna_321, you’re right, very wise words x I think some people just don’t think before they send things, I would never send someone anything like that, I’ve always been conscious of that even before losing mum. I did actually message one of my friends and explained that I would like to see her but maybe not just yet, but in a few months time, she doesn’t pressurise me, also she lost her mum in 2020 so she understands better.
@VictoriaB1 sending you hugs too, it’s tough this new year… people wanting to make plans as it’s a fresh start for them but we are not feeling that at all.
I think we should just do what feels right for us, every relationship is different. You know yourself what’s right and wrong. I often go with my gut instinct, if I feel uncomfortable I won’t do it. This is opposite to my personality before mum, where I would go out of my way to meet people and do things for others, I’m being a bit more ‘selfish’ or maybe it’s more self-care I would say xxx
Dont get me started on the challenges of maintaining friendships @Sienna1 - its been a minefield these last 14 months! My mum always used to say id be ok once she’d gone because she knew i had a social life and various friends - i think she envisaged that would give me the support i needed. But the reality is that my two closest friends simply dont get it - ive had the pushes to go out, go on holiday, go on a cruise, go for a spa, comments about “so are you just going to sit at home and be miserable the rest of your life”. Or those who completely ignore the topic altogether! I found myself exhausted from feeling i had to defend or justify my feelings. Eventually with one person i had a complete meltdown Ive had to stop sharing my emotions with them. Whilst their intentions may be well meaning, ive realised they simply cant give me the support i need, so ive tried to let go of that expectation because i constantly felt let down. But its left me feeling that we’re just not on the same wavelength any more, so it feels like yet another loss Over time ive gradually built a new support network, through grief support groups, this site, casual friends who DO get it, counselling. I heard a therapist talk about having different groups of friends - those that are there for the social activities and those that you want to be emotionally intimate with. That helped me come to terms with it and realise my longer standing friends probably fall more into the former category right now. Sending hugs to all
It is very difficult. I rather feed others than myself. I am going to see my mum at the funeral home tomoz. It would of been her birthday 82yrs old. My emotions ate all over the place, hate morning i did hate evenings, but not too bad. I just feel for my dad
Wow that’s not things you want to hear from friends is it!
That’s a good way to look at it to have people/friends for different things in life and also not to have expectations. I just want to be left alone to be honest, right now I am ok on my own and speaking to people like yourselves and my immediate family/partner x
How’s your headache ? Hopefully it has calmed down x
@Niks7089 are you going to see mum on your own or will you go with your dad/family?
Your beautiful mum’s birthday, that’s so sad I’m sorry it’s so close…
There’s nothing I can say to that, it’s just heartbreaking. I hope you have someone with you to see mum x
Can you take something and put it in with mum?
I put a bracelet on my mum which I had bought beforehand but never got to give it to her or even show her.
@Ally6 I’m with you on friendships.
I’ve never needed anyone before really as I had mum (& dad) & one of my sisters so I’ve not had to test friendships. It saddens me so much that all the socialising & travelling I did ( pre covid really as since then I was really careful not to spread anything to mum) seems like nonsense. Mum always loved to hear about my travels & loved my energy & now the smallest thing exhausts me.
I do see it from my friends side too as before I lost my dad I was so scared of other people’s pain. I’d run from it as I didn’t know how to help. Now sadly I’m a star pupil
Hi @Anna_321 and all,
Yes, a better day today, I’ve wfh and managed to do a food shop and a bit of batch cooking, which has occupied my mind.
Every morning I wake to that anxiety and reality that mum’s not here. I don’t know what’s triggering me this year but I feel like I’ve gone backwards since the Christmas period.
Hopefully it eases a little and I’m going out a bit more the next few weeks re work so I’m trying to see this as a step forward
How’s your day going and week so far ? Sending love and strength to everyone
@VictoriaB1 glad to hear you’ve had a better day today and wfh makes it much better, sounds like you’ve done quite a lot today x I too feel the same way, I feel worse this year, it’s like I’ve been living in a bubble and now I’m realising mum’s not here I’m not going to have her with me now (although I’m hoping I do spiritually), I’m feeling very lost. Today I’ve been at home but done a couple of things like washing. Got counselling on Thursday which I’m dreading!
@Anna_321 thanks for checking up on all. Sounds like you were a social butterfly and jet setter before this all happened, it really changes everything. Have you thought about going away at all ? X
Hi @Sienna1
Thank you for the positives you’re sending, and @Anna_321 it definitely helps
That’s how I feel @Sienna1 its as if the new year is yet another realisation that my mum is not with me today or tomorrow. It’s the most difficult life changing experience I have ever faced. I keep thinking to myself, mum would not want me to derail and struggle like this, so I’m digging deep. Sending love xx
I feel sick all the time. It’s so hard.
It would have been mum’s birthday this coming Thursday. She never really celebrated it & when we were little she used to tell us she didn’t have one, then said it was on Halloween
My old life feels like it was a dream @Sienna1. One of my friends wants to meet me in the US or Canada later this year but I don’t have the energy to plan a trip
Awww bless your mum, she probably didn’t want a fuss over it x my birthdays near Halloween, love it x 🩷 your mum had a good sense of humour I can tell
I know it’s like it was a different world then, I sometimes stop and wonder was mum real… then I remind myself that I am part of my mum. I feel like my soul and body are not one, like my mind is always elsewhere and I’m not present.
Sending hugs to you x it’s hard when it’s an anniversary, birthday etc.
And as for going abroad, don’t feel pressurised. Listen to what you want to do deep down x
My mum always used to say id be ok once she’d gone because she knew i had a social life and various friends - i think she envisaged that would give me the support i needed. But the reality is that my two closest friends simply dont get it - ive had the pushes to go out, go on holiday, go on a cruise, go for a spa, comments about “so are you just going to sit at home and be miserable the rest of your life”. Or those who completely ignore the topic altogether! I found myself exhausted from feeling i had to defend or justify my feelings. Eventually with one person i had a complete meltdown 
Over time ive gradually built a new support network, through grief support groups, this site, casual friends who DO get it, counselling. I heard a therapist talk about having different groups of friends - those that are there for the social activities and those that you want to be emotionally intimate with. That helped me come to terms with it and realise my longer standing friends probably fall more into the former category right now. Sending hugs to all 
hope they arrive x 
