1 year and 5 months, the rollercoaster of emotions and some days feeling like I have found some strength, the others of feeling that I haven’t moved forward at all since the day my mum died. I don’t even know where this time has gone. Time just feels like something that I’m not in tune with. It’s as if I’m faced with getting through each day. Some days I’m good and manage to navigate myself through it feeling positive, getting fresh air, walking the pooch, turning up for work, cooking a Sunday roast, the next day I could feel like staying in bed all day and having no existence.
Then there’s the nights that I just can’t sleep or don’t want to for fear of nightmares and flashbacks or having to wake up again to the reality that my mums not here.
You start to feel like you’re going mad, does this relate to you? It’s a tough night tonight. Xx
You have described it exactly as it is, like you have written out my own experience too. 1 year 5 months for me too. Also struggling to sleep tonight and the past week, it’s been awful! Victoria you are an inspiration - still going to work somehow, that’s just so brave, you are a strong person x everyday is so hard, I still get that feeling of I need to tell mum this and that, but then I get that sinking feeling remembering she’s not here. I can’t get my head around it. Some days like you, I’m trying to get fresh air telling myself I need to do things and some days I can’t be bothered with anything at all.
Awww that’s so beautiful x pure love from
the dogs x they are precious 🩷
@VictoriaB1 and yes I do feel like I’m going mad at times, it’s a constant battle of getting through each day. And there is no concept of time for me either, it all rolls into one big time warp. I was trying to think what I did in that time of 1 year and 5 months, it was just survival and it still is…
@Anna_321 waking up before it gets dark is also tough especially in these shorter days. I’m hoping when spring comes it will get better for us somehow, a bit more light may help…
P.S That bird is still chirping away at this present moment x
I don’t see a point to things any more. On Friday it will be 6 months for me. Whilst I’m no longer spending the majority of the day crying I may as well be as I’m not living. 
@Anna_321 when I look back to the 6 months anniversary when mum died, I think I was still in shock, I honestly think I was in shock for the first 12 months and felt exactly as you do. I used to count the days, weeks, months. I still do. Friday will be an incredibly difficult day for you Anna, and my heart and thoughts go out to you. The loss never gets any easier or acceptable, our heart and mind just becomes more adept. Sending love and strength. You are doing amazingly well Anna to get to this point, you probably don’t feel like it but you are.
One day at a time. Sending love 
Thanks for your message @VictoriaB1 . Every day feels as bad as the previous one.
Knowing we are all going through it doesn’t even help does it, as we wouldn’t wish this on our worst enemy.
I really feel for you @Anna_321 - i remember just how desperate and low i felt around the 6 month mark - i know that does nothing to alleviate your pain 
6 months is still really early days and i found at that stage it was a case of just hanging on and getting through each day. And thats really tough when everything feels pointless and meaningless, because i used to think “what am i hanging on FOR?” How much of a support network do you have Anna- are you attending any support groups or counselling? If not, it would be worth exploring what you might be able to access - i personally found they were they only things that helped me stay sane. Im not going to lie, im still struggling after 14 months, but i think the desperation does ease and the tears become less frequent. But its a long old slog so take whatever help you can get right now. Sending hugs 
@Anna_321 sending you my best wishes.
It is still very very recent for you x take one day at a time as we say, that’s the only way.
Keep talking on here no matter what it is, let it out x my heart goes out to you x
It’s the worst feeling ever, no words can describe it. I struggle to explain it or provide advice as it’s so difficult x
Can you get a big hug from someone? That’s what’s needed at times and nothing else, no words or anything.
I have been searching for face to face groups in my area/short commute away, but nothing found so far.
To all, @Anna_321 @Sienna1 @Ally6
When I first reached out to this platform in oct 23, to express my pain and grief, and tell of my loss of my world, my mum, little did I know back then, how much a saviour this site would be. I have had so much support, kindness, good advice and friendship from complete strangers, who 100% understand my grief, I do not know where I would be today without this or you all. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, however, we have all been brought together through the worst possible loss in our lives and what we have shown each other in such a respectful way is something I’m sure all our mums are proud of. We are strong, and we will get each other through this, step by step, day by day. Sending love to you all
Thank you for your response @Ally6.
I have plenty family support but we are all going through it. Their suffering makes it harder.
There’s a 5 month wait for face to face counselling in my area. I registered for that in late October I think & a 8-12 week wait for the Sue Ryder online counselling which I think I registered for in December. When I registered I was ready to talk but now I don’t think I can. I can’t keep this pain on the surface. I need to bury it deep down.
I too looked for local support groups @Sienna1 & there weren’t any. I don’t have the energy to travel miles to the other side of London or far outside to attend one. It’s surprising given we all will lose people that there aren’t more groups.
You & this site really do help but still I’ve had enough. I don’t want years of this. All we are doing is getting used to being sad & lonely because the only person we really want is not around.
I totally understand when you say you dont want years of this - i have no partner to turn to, no children to focus my attention on and the prospect of carrying this pain the rest of my life terrifies me. But equally i know my mum lost her parents, and lost her husband aged just 64 and she managed to carry on into her 80s and still find happy moments in her life, despite her losses. So i have to hope that somehow, someday it gets better. 
But in the meantime, its total 
Sending you huge hugs
My mum was in the same boat @Ally6, losing my dad at only 65. It would’ve been their 57th wedding anniversary next week.
The difference is our mums had us & mine had grandchildren & pets too. Not that having kids means they will support you. I know plenty people who barely contact their parents. I saw people in hospital with local families who were ‘too busy’ to visit them. It was so sad to witness.
Our mums generation were made with a steel core & took nothing for granted. I’m fed up & exhausted with how grief has destroyed everything. I’m like some sort of zombie & I don’t recognise the person I have become.
We are all united in this most awful nightmare & I am truly grateful to you all. 
I often think about this @Ally6, our mums went through their own losses, and we had no idea of the impact it must have had. Yes, they had us to focus on, and that to me is a massive difference to what we are grasping on to because I also have no children. The honest truth for me is that my mum gave me so much strength, unconditional love and support, and with hindsight she protected me and prepared me for the day she left me, unbeknown to me. She really did, and now knowing how life changing it is to even carry on, she knew all along how completely destroying losing our mum is My mum also lost my dad, her husband, her love of her life, the father of her 2 young children after 7 years marriage at the age of 35. I’ll never know how she found the strength to carry on with 2 children under 5, 1 of them me obviously. For my mum to get through that, I’ll never let her down and crumble after everything she went through to make me the person I was.
And in them days, they were made with a steel core.
We owe it to our mums strength, as they got through their pain and losses to come through this xx
That must have been so hard for your mum losing your dad at such a young age @VictoriaB1, and for you too I sometimes feel guilty that i didnt provide more emotional support for mum when she lost Dad because i was so deep in grief myself, plus because she never really showed her grief outwardly i think its only now i can appreciate the pain she was carrying deep inside her. She was convinced they would be reunited and in her final days when she was too unwell to speak i handed her a photo of her and Dad together and she was smiling at it, im sure she knew they would be together soon 
I think that is such a wonderful thought and belief to hold @Ally6 I agree, and I’m of the same belief that my mum is now back with my dad catching up on the years they’ve missed
How are we all doing this weekend? For me, it feels like I’ve got through another week, but for what? To go again tomorrow and get through another week? Deep and depressing to say it, but this is how I feel every week, I really don’t want to wake up tomorrow with the reality that my mum is not here in this life with me anymore. Week after week, month after month, you get tired of fighting this grief.
17 months on Tuesday and it really feels like I’ve no concept of time whatsoever
Can anyone give me anything positive tonight please
Its such a tough one @VictoriaB1 isnt it - the relentless day after day of facing it over and over again, thats what wears me down. Why do friends think it should be better over time when actually every day is another 24 hours more since we last saw our loved one? I just caught the tail end of the movie Ghost on TV - when Patrick Swayze finally appears to Demi Moore - i sat there wishing we could all have that experience at least 
Sorry i dont have any positive stuff to inspire you - hopefully someone else will pop along with that. 
Sending hugs
Oh I feel this too @VictoriaB1
I’m barely hanging on. Just had mum’s birthday & her 6 month anniversary & today/ Monday what should’ve been my parents 57th wedding anniversary. It’s all too much for me & I’m back to the cycle of uncontrollable crying or feeling absolutely nothing.
Sorry I can’t be positive tonight. Hugs all around