Hi Jenny
I remember that feeling too. I was very calm making decisions and didn’t really get emotional. I felt as though it wasn’t my mum. I think the body/brain protects us sometimes from trauma and the numbness helps to function where if we felt it all we’d just be n collapse mode.
I don’t really know but I feel that’s what happened to me.
I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s honestly heartbreaking and sending you love. Take care of yourself and try not to put too much pressure on how you feel, you feel he you feel x
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Thank you for your lovely reply.
Ive just woken up and got that awful sinking feeling. Really hard to face the day. Going to try to keep busy but just have this feeling of fear inside me constantly.
Your words have really reassured me x
Ah I’m glad it helped 
I know that sinking feeling, it’s hard because everything feels bleak.
Just breathe and one day at a time. I’m still in relatively early days I think but I know in those first few weeks if I was overcome with bleakness and sinking feelings and felt like I needed to stay in bed watching rubbish tv then I did. I had a few days like that, I hope your day feels a little better than it started x
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I did a 500 piece jigsaw this afternoon with my sister to keep my mind busy. We have a date for funeral now, 10th June. Wish it was sooner.
Im just so numb to it all. I think of mom and see her belongings but ferl numb. Im the sort of person who would normally cry desperately. Not sure why my brain is being this way x
Hi Jenny
Bless you, what yourself and Dolly said really resonated with me.
When we went to the funeral directors, it was definitely surreal. We went tge day after my mum died. We were asked ‘what kind of music’ we would like playing when we we went to view my mum. We just looked at each other quite gone out. We didn’t have a clue, it had not even sank in that she was gone. Like you said, its like we were planning a funeral…for someone else.
I agree, I believe that the body goes into some kind of protect mode, to enable us to do what needs to be done.
Thinking of you and all who are going through this immense pain.
x
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@jani Absolutely, I think that too, the body protects us so we can get through and until we are able to process.
@Jenny21 I’m glad you found something to do and had your sister to be with you.
I’m like you I usually cry a lot and although I’ve definitely cried, I’ve not cried when I thought I’d be in bits, like at the funeral directors. I’m sorry the funeral is a while away, it’s hard waiting. Keep checking in with us here as I think it helps to talk to others who are unfortunately experiencing the same pain.
Take care and I hope you are able to get some sleep. Sleep seems to be one of my difficulties at the moment when I get into bed everything starts going over and over in my head. x
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I think im sleeping ok at the moment because im tired in my head. Its the morning which is the worst time for me.
Have you tried reading or music before bed? I know it’s easier said than done x
Thank you for replying x
Im just scared about when it finally hits me. My mom was everything to me x
I have tried reading, I struggle a bit to stay focussed but my lovely daughter in law gave me a book of short stories and I seem to be able to read one a day.
I’m glad you’re managing to sleep and I know I think late at night and then waking up and realising it’s real, are the worst.
I’m also scared of somehow being floored by it all when my mind really realises that my lovely, strong mum who has always been there for me is actually gone and even though I’ve had nearly 3 months it’s still not real. But to try and ensure the grief doesn’t take me out when it really hits I try not to dampen any of the bad feelings so when I feel sad I don’t distract myself too much unless I’m in a meeting or something. I’m also on the waiting list for counselling so hopefully I will have the help in time to cope with this, the biggest loss in my life so far, the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with.
xx
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Hi Dolly
I have never been very good at eatly nights. After losing mum, i delay even more, turning the tv off. The ticking of the clock seems so very loud now, in the quiet of night time. Mornings are my worst also. I think it’s because I used to call my mum, first thing in the morning. I had to know how she was before I could start my day. Now there is nothing. I catch myself looking at her pictures on the wall and am hit again with the realisation that she has gone. I have a few videos of her, from last summer, when she was in hospital. She was laughing so much at the awful dinner they brought her. She had the best laugh, really infectious. Im scared to watch it again in case I break down in tears. When I wasnt working, that didnt bother me. Now im back at work, I have to try and keep it together.
I look at some of my siblings and they seem to be coping very well, too well almost. They rarely start a conversation about mum, it’s usually me.
I long for my old life back, with her in it. As hard as it was at times, she was the one constant in my life. I miss her beyond words.
x
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You’re welcome Jenny.
I hear you. I think you just have to go with how you feel each day. If you do feel ok and composed, try not to question it or think you should be crying. Believe me, those tears will probably come. Im five months in now. I think I had to ‘park’ my grief, because I had so much to organise. Once the funeral was over and mums house was cleared, it hit me like a bus. Mums house was the place we all gravitated to as a family also.
As my doctor said, I’ve had 53 years of having my mum in my life. Five months without her is no healing time at all.
x
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I’ve always been a great sleeper and love my sleep but I just get into bed and all the thoughts of my mum flood back.
I know what you mean about holding it together now you’re back at work. I feel so tired because of not sleeping but also the effort of just keeping it together at work.
I used to call my mum as I left work and yesterday I fleetingly thought o I’ll call mum, it was one of those horrible jolts
I have lots of pics and one of the jobs that helped me has been sorting all my mums photos she has tons. I’m not sure I’ve got any videos with her talking or laughing, that’s very precious and there for when you’re ready. I miss my mums smile because it was cheeky, she had a twinkle. I don’t think I’ve seen that for ages because she didn’t really have that when she was in hospital.
It’s hard that everyone manages grief differently, like you I like to talk about her and so do my children so that makes it a little easier. X
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Ive woken up this morning with usual fear and sinking feeling. Ive been trying to distract myself, doing anything to fend off the sadness.
I hope you get some counselling soon, I do think that it can help, to speak to someone who will totally understand.
I spent an hour reading old text messages that Mom had sent me, afterwards I felt like id spoken to her and she was still there.
X
I hear you Jenny. I had that same sinking feeling this morning when I woke. I know that I dreamt about my mum but don’t remember much of the dream. I just remember in the dream that she seemed ao scared. I guess this wasn’t unusual as the last few months of her life, that’s how she became. I used to feel so helpless as I couldnt seem to reassure her, however hard I tried.
I’ve got videos of my mum, but I’m scared to watch them in case I spiral downwards again.
x
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Ive managed to get up and do myself some toast. I’ve got a new garden bench that has been delivered so going to attempt to put that together today, a little project to keep my mind busy really.
My little dog is such a distraction but also makes me so sad at times because my mom used to have her for me while I was at work, she must be missing her too x
Ah I’m glad you’ve managed to get yourself up and had some breakfast and made a plan for your day. I’ve realised that I’m really planning my time a lot more and I think it’s because I feel better when I’m busy. That’s not usual me as I’m quite good at down time 
We lost our dog towards the end of last year and we’re going away tomorrow and it made me sad when I was thinking I’ve lost them both now and when we used to go away my mum would have been looking after her for us. I’m glad you have your little dog as a distraction though. I have my grandson, anytime with him I’m able to feel ok with life even though probably a bit like you he makes me think of her because she loved him so much and is now missing out on all his fun.
Its so hard so do what you need to do to get through, if keeping busy works that’s good but just be prepared and allow for the bad feelings and times. Sending love and I hope your bench turns out well. You’re very good, I hate putting things together x
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Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
Ive been at Mom’s house this evening, saw so many of her things but still feel numb. The first few days I could not
stop crying, panic and fear. This week I can’t cry. It makes me feel heartless and I dont understand it.
We have appointment ar church this week to organise funeral.
Hope you have nice few days away x
Please don’t feel heartless, you’re not at all. You love your mum the tears are not an indicator of love.
I know how you feel sometimes when I read here that someone cries everyday, I think ‘why have I not cried everyday, I should be, my mum was amazing, what’s wrong with me? Why am I getting on ok?’ But then I know everyone is processing the loss differently and everyone copes differently and just because I’m not crying everyday and I’m managing life, work etc I still love and miss my mum and this is the hardest journey I’ve traveled in my 55 years I’m just not crying everyday so I try not to overthink.
I do think the numbness is protection for helping us be able to get through. I hope your appointment goes well and you find some comfort in arranging your mum’s farewell.
Thank you for your good wishes, it feels weird going away and there not being mum to come back to or to let know we’re there safe. My daughter reminded me that ‘Nan always said to us, text me when you’re there safely,’ and that made me sad she won’t say that to me because she’s right, she always did.
I hope you manage the next few days and try to be gentle with yourself as your mum would want you to be. Take care xx
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Hope you had a good few days away.
Ive been back at work this week, its been nice to see people but felt unwell yesterday at work but managed to last the day out.
Its the funeral on Tuesday. We have written some memories to be read out in the service. Still feels so strange and unreal.
Thank you for your last message, your words really help x
Hi @Jenny21
Thank you, we had a lovely time. It felt a bit like I was pretending though as it was like a break from being without my mum. She wouldn’t have been on holiday with just the two of us anyway so it felt more ‘normal’ but coming home was like a wave of missing her again. The fact she would have been asking me all about it and one of the first things I would have done was to pop round or give her a call.
Glad you managed to get through the day and being with people felt ok. Sorry you felt poorly & hope you feel better.
I’m thinking of you as you prepare for Tuesday it does all feel unreal but it’s great you’ve prepared and hopefully that will give you the comfort and courage to get through the day.
Take care of yourself xx
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