That is such a cute reason to use the Lucy name, @Lisa_L51, made me smile that. Hope you have an ok day today, sending love 
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@LD126
Bless you. I lived with my mum too and she passed away two years ago this 27th Day of December 2021. So, I live alone now ( well, with our two little dogs whom Iām so grateful for ). Itās hard, thatās for sure and strangely, Iām finding this year even worse than last year. My birthday is today too and Iām 60 and had so hoped mum would be with me for this birthday year but sadly it wasnāt to be. I too empathise with the feelings and physical feelings you are having. I went to my GP too thinking it was something wrong with me but deep down, I know itās grief and I do wonder whether these feelings will ever subside. I found the Sue Ryder counselling so helpful but of course, itās hard again when it has to stop. Itās hard trying to adapt but I keep thinking when I go to be, well, Iāve managed to get through another day. Take care of yourself and always here if you want a chat. XX
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@MARIE6022
Hello Marie.
So sorry to read of your loss. Itās so hard watching our most beloved ones become so frail and slip away from us over time. Itās unbelievable isnāt it that our strong mums can become so tiny and so hard to believe they have left this world. I do really believe though that our mums can see us and watch over us, just as they did when we were 3 years old. They love us just the same and we will be with them again when the time is right. I hope that this Christmas, you will feel some peace in ways that you might not have expected. Everyone here is so kind and understanding so do keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on. Hang on to those days that are not the worst ones as they will help you get through each day. God bless. 
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Sending you birthday wishes @PaulaE and a huge hug 
its an emotional time of year for so many but it must be triply so for you with all those significant dates x
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Thank you Ally. I keep pushing myself on but would rather be under a blanket. In fact, now the day is done, thatās where I am with my two little dogs and a can of cream soda which was my mums favourite in her last months. God bless. XX
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Iām in the system I basically have to wait 12-14 weeks for bereavement counselling so another 7-9 weeks to go I think itās disgusting told the girl on the phone so I actually have to do something stupid before I get to speak to someone I need someone now not 14 weeks time, but being on here has helped with those bad thoughts, I do still struggle and get some days were I basically wish I wasnāt here I canāt go back to work yet as Iām physically and mentally not able to I feel it will push me over the top with my anxiety and depression I work in a pharmacy so not ready to listen to patients going on about their ailments and what cancer they have etc just canāt do it, canāt do with explaining why I havnt been there for a while although I should be able to tackle it now I just canāt I went to lay my mumās plaque and canāt believe my mumās ashes were still there in the cross the man from council said because it had been icy that day we scattered them they hadnāt been able to bury them as the ground was solid but Iād thought with the rain and bad weather they would of washed away, they hadnāt so I was in shock seeing them again, Iāve been unwell last 2 days anxiety tablets are giving me bad side affects so hoping I will feel a bit better today as I have lots to do and kids are moaning im not doing anything but sitting there, im not like as Iāve had to do all the present shopping wrapping ect all whilst Iām grieving my mumās loss, their nan, they just donāt know what it feels like, what im actually going through mentally and although they can see im upset they canāt see whatās going on in my head and untill they actually lose me they wonāt fully understand that loss,as they seemed to have accepted their nans loss better than I expected considering they were as close to her as I was.
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haha yeah not that great when your then a teenager and they are telling strangers.
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Iām glad Iāve made someone smile 
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OMG i canāt believe your dealing with the dizziness anxiety. The dr thought at first i had water in my inner ear but the anabolics stoped working and i went to a ent dr and they sead no fluid in middle ears. My step sister is being taken off a ventilator today and my anxiety is so bad dr wonāt give me nothing but depression meds. I just left to suffer. I do to i stay in bed because i can hardly walk and Christmas is coming and i half to but on a breave face and cook and clean i donāt know how im going to get thought this
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Can i asked what anxiety meds your on and do they help my dr did give me Buspar but donāt help. Yes the pain is unreal and as many family you still have it doesnāt help the pain your in and wanting to leave this earth and be with your mom. Thanks for sharing.
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Iāve been given propranolol but Iāve been having what I think are side affects last couple of days, not felt great at all.
Propanolol made my ankle swell up. They give these things out will little thought. The medics are used to trying out many different medicines so if you go back theyāll just go down the list to the next one. You end up feeling like a guinea pig but they usually find one that suits you better. Fingers crossed
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Come to think of it my joints have been stiff last few days and fingers a bit swollen x
Iād check that out, it didnāt make me feel calmer but Iām an anxious wreck. The worst one was fluoxetine which made me shake and wake up in anxiety attacks eight times one night. Itās so lonely feeling low and not well and you canāt even ask your Mum. I have had some very low times. Iām on a new pill that is better, no panic and numbing. Itās takes the edges off the negative thinking. I hope you find a sympathetic doctor and you have some peace this Christmas
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I think the side effects have subsided today I wasnāt in as much stomach pain as yesterday, and swelling in my fingers has gone down so I will try it for another week and see what happens.
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Hi all,
Well that was the most difficult 2 days of my life since mum died. Christmas without my mum. A day Ive dreaded all my life.
Numb, in a place no one understands like we all unfortunately do. Sick to my stomach. Counted the hours down for the day to pass.
I hope you have all managed somehow to get through the past few days, sending heartfelt love and support to you all, itās absolute torture.
My heart is absolutely broken into a million pieces and nobody gets it.
Just needed to offload this on here x
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Mine has been a emotional rollercoaster last few days, Iād normally be helping mum prepare but had to do it myself and try and make it enjoyable for my girls it was a tough one waking up Christmas morning know when we went to see dad my mum wasnāt going to be there then setting the table know Iād have an empty place this year, I set her a place where she would normally sit as the head of our family we got through the meal talking about how are Christmas used to be toasting mum along they way my dad said I done good and mum would of Been proud I sheād tears Ias I knew I would, we got through yesterday much the same, Ive stayed over with dad last 2nights, Iāve layed in my mumās room in silence remembering things we done together and Iāve actually slept last a full 8 hours in calmness sheās probably watched over me all night, it was just nice to not have to listen to my girls argue and I think my dad liked the company but tonight I must go home to the hustle and bustle of my own house. Our Christmas is never going to be the same without her and I know my dad will one day join her were ever she may be but for now i have to cherish the people I have left and make some more memories life wonāt be the same without my mum she will allways be missed and my heart will never be the same, but Iāll live the rest of my life the way my mum would of wanted and maybe one day Iāll be happy again.
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Hello Everyone.
You have all been on my mind over Christmas. I share your pains and anguish. Today is my lovely mums second anniversary of passing and the pain I feel is just the same if not more so as time goes by. Those first moths, I think numbness sets in and as time passes, the reality of life without our mums and for some of us, then completely alone, sets in. Itās hard, very hard indeed and life will never be the same, that we are all learning sadly.
But I wanted to share something too about my Christmas day this year and last year in the hope it might help a little bit. Last year, I moved away from where I lived with my mum. I spent Christmas Day alone which Iād not have wanted other wise. Our two little dogs kept me company. But it was a bleak time and I was living somewhere I hated. I resolved to try to move ā back homeā. I felt everyone was judging me, first people told me not to move away ( they were right but I didnāt need to keep being told ). Then, they told me not to move againā¦ā¦but I did. Iām back home now but sadly, the only property I could afford was one that needed so much work and in this last year, Iāve had tradespeople scam me and Iāve learned what it means to live alone. Iām now trying to move again as I can not afford the upkeep on the maintenance and work needed where I now live. But I will try to stay locally. Unfortunately, in this market, Iāve had two offers in 9 months but both chains broke 8 weeks in. Iām now back on the market. All through this, Iāve been thinking how upset my mum would have been for the mess Iāve got myself into. She was always my guide you see, we always made decisions together after my Dad died 17 years ago this coming March. I feel my future is so uncertain, so fragile.
But something else happened that I wanted to share and please donāt feel in reading this that I am evangelising in any way! I was Christened as a baby but never went to church or belonged to a church. I always wanted to be but my mum, though a believer, never went to church. Being so close, if mum didnāt do something, I wouldnāt go either. I recall going to Sunday School as a child but, as mum couldnāt come, I eventually gave up.
So, I moved back here and resolved that I would go along to church. On Motherās Day this year, I just felt it was the time to go and say thank you for my mums life, and a massive thank you to God for choosing my mum to be my mum. I really couldnāt have had a greater blessing in life, that I know.
Since that day, Iāve been going along every Sunday and this year, I joined their Alpha course. There were 5 of us, all people who live alone strangely enough and itās really odd to hear how people came to be there. We are all ages, me in the middle as the second youngest. I was 60 on 22nd Dec this year. I went to all the Christmas services and found that, aside from a few tears that caught me in the middle of carols, and when watching other families together, I felt some peace and I was able to sing quite a few. I stayed for some mulled wine with those in my Apha group. Iām so grateful for those new friendships that are forming as nobody judges me. I feel a few of my old friends are drifting away but new ones seem to slowly be arriving. I feel, mum is saying to me, ākeep going Paulaā!
One evening on our Alpha course in early November, the Vicar asked us what we were all doing for Christmas Day. Each of us were planning a day alone, even those that had wider family. With such kindness and compassion but not mournful sympathy, the vicar said, ā oh no, thatās no good, you can all come to meā. As if she wasnāt busy enough, we were all extended an invite, even my two dogs. So, I knew, I was meant to accept. There were 10 of us plus 4 dogs on Christmas Day. Come Christmas Eve, I was beginning to think, I shouldnāt have accepted, I didnāt want to go but I did. It was a really lovely few hours. I went to church for the 10am service which was lovely, only 10 of us in total but lovely nonetheless and then, 1.30pm, lunch at the vicars house. By 4.30pm I was home and my dogs and I were then snuggled up under our blankets on the sofa for the rest of the evening. My day as as good as it could have been without my mum and my dadā¦.
So, despite many tears today and at least some tears on each day of my life since mum passed, plus a house still to try to sell and no idea of what next, I was so grateful to have had the Christmas I had.
keep going everyone, I really think though things will never be the same and loosing our mums leaves a massive scar on our hearts, even something a little bit good helps and bit and I really think our mums send us these things and give us a gentle push that we canāt necessarily feel but when we are ready and in the right direction.
God bless and everyone and sorry for such a long story.
X
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