Jim and Kate
Your words are so accurate and so well thought out.
I have met one or two new friends through the SOBS group and I have a longer term friend that has become closer too, she has not lost a child but she understands as best she can. My new friends through the SOBS group can just make me feel comfortable as they are experiencing similar grief issues through their loss of children. It’s four months to the day my daughter died and its one of those nights I can’t sleep. It’s also a day of reflection where I just wish I could go back in time and save my beautiful, kind loving daughter who was so failed. Everything is so hard, each day is so difficult. The loneliness, and emptiness inside is unbearable and the loss of a child so young is just horrendous. I used to want time alone but now can’t stand an hour alone. Our lives changed forever. Its just a horrid existence at the moment. Xx
Hi jim and kate . Your words so right . It really is how it is . People who have not lost children or experienced grief just dont get it . Thank you . It always makes me get it when i read your words and they are how im feeling .thank you for sharing xxxx
Hi Andy its such early days .its trauma and shock .nothing makes sense. I lost sam 25 .16 months ago.its like time means nothing all we want is them .i still expect him to BE
Here when i put the key in the door take baby steps my heart goes out to you much love just keep coming on here .everyobes helped me so much xx
Thank you Zoe.
I appreciate everyone’s help and support.
I certainly don’t expect anything to be easy but the pain is much worse than I could ever imagined.
My mind also goes to that when I die it could be another twenty years or more and knowing your daughter won’t be with you then or anytime ever again is just unimaginable. Xxx
Hi Zoe, I know it feels like a lifetime until we see our precious children again but it does seem to somehow get easier as the years go on. It is 4 years now for me and I would never have imagined that I would be coping as well as I am.
My GP told me that losing Gemma would change me and it has. I think recognising that and accepting it has helped me.
For instance I now have to avoid stressful situations, try and stay calm and not get over tired as those are the times when I feel overwhelmed and the sadness comes flooding back.
I hope this helps you. Sending you lots of love 
SueDav, dear Sue, sending you special love and caring thoughts 20.9.22. 
Hope you are getting through Ann xx
Thats lovely Victoria 
Dear Andy , sorry you are in so mush pain ,such early days for you . I know it’s hard to except that you would be in this heart breaking situation . I am almost 6 years in December, and it’s still hard to except that I will not see my Darling Dawn again . As she passed before Xmas and we could not goodbye to her untill after , I have come to to Xmas so hard , she and I used to love Xmas . So we went to the Range yesterday and they have already have there Xmas decks out , I do love looking at them , but as usual got very tearful and could wait to get out of the shop . Zoe , every time I see the lloyds advert on the tv , I think of Sam . Victoria , lovely words , hope you will feel a bit better soon . Lots of love to all Maddie xxx
That is soooooo beautiful, thank you for sharing.
Xx
Hi Ann,
Thank you so much for thinking of me on the 6th month anniversary of losing Andrew. I often wonder how you’re getting on…I hope you’ve been well and having brighter days.
I still read all the posts but find it hard to post as I’ve been coping with life so much better than at the beginning. I feel guilty that I am coping so well…I’m worried that maybe people will think I didn’t care about Andrew…which of course I did. It’s maybe because I’ve always been a very positive, optimistic person. I’m detecting again and all the others in the group chat to me about Andrew. I still have times when I’m overwhelmed with the sadness and unfairness of his death but I know he would want me to be happy and to live my life as best I can even without him.
I’m sure Katherine would want you to be as happy as you’re able. How is her husband coping? It must be so hard for him. In a way I’m almost glad Andrew wasn’t in a close relationship or had any children as my heart would ache so much for them…I’m so sad for Andrew’s dad, my ex husband. He feels very alone now as he split up with his partner a couple of years ago and Andrew was such a big part of his life.
I’ve recently come back from a weeks holiday in Suffolk…my mum, my partner, both my sisters and their husbands all went. It was relaxing and good to be with everyone. I think I’ve been lucky with all the support I’ve had…it must be what has helped me so much.
I hope all of you are having brighter days…thinking of you Ann and everyone else.
Love and hugs…Sue
Dear all, I don’t think Sue should feel guilty for coping well and having brighter days. Her son would not want her to be sad, and she gives hope to those of us who are still weighed down by grief.
It’s coming up to 6 months for me since my beloved son died. I am finding the grief very hard to bear, I miss him so much and think of him all the time. But I also feel sad for my other son and my daughter who are grieving for their brother. Also sad for my daughter-in-law and her children who are missing a much-loved husband and daddy. We all loved him so much. We were lucky to have him, but we have lost him too soon. It’s very hard to bear. In fact, I still can’t believe it…
I am hoping time will bring some relief. I am grateful to have a loving family, but I do feel very alone (I am widowed, so cannot share the sorrow of losing our boy with his dad).
Best wishes to all who are on this site. We don’t want to be here.
Peace and love - Susan J
I agree, our children would not want us to be sad but the pain is so deep and awful it hurts to the core. Its ten weeks since I lost my son and I sometimes think I am going mad. Is there a right way to grieve? At the moment I feel so down but cant cry just an empty ache and huge empty hole where my son should be.
Suedav you have every right to feel some happiness after what you have been through and Andrew would want you to be smiling. It gives others hope that you can smile again.
Love and strength to all on your journey along this shitty road. I just want my son back.
Xx
Hi Susan94. It’s 4 months for me and my daughter had ASD and other mental health issues but she was so loving and so much fun, she had a great sense of humour as well . Losing any child is absolutely horrendous but when they are with needs, there may be that added attachment of caring responsibilities as I had, and an injustice because they weren’t able to fight for themselves. People are not always kind, and caring for certain disabilities and Autism is a key one that the public and the NHS just don’t seem to understand. My daughter often used a wheelchair which she needed at times, but people treated her so differently in a chair. I don’t feel there is a grieving process at all, we are all over the place with it, or at least I am. I am so pleased for anyone of us that is coping a little better and enjoying things again, that’s great news because the pain is awful. Let’s hope time is a healer to some degree. I felt I was optimistic with my daughter I thought she would pull through as she was so so strong but I was wrong Xxx
Hi Andy, thank you for your kind message. I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter. You are so right about ASD and mental health, the services are so underfunded and inadequate especially as there is a rise in people struggling with mental health. My son also had ASD - diagnosed when he was 20 after many years of pushing for answers. He also had mental health issues so I fully understand what you’re saying.
It s so unfair that we find ourselves on this forum sharing our worst nightmares and trying to support each other. It seems to be getting harder as the nights draw in. I think I’d better go get a cup of tea, I can feel myself sinking. Love and hugs to all xxx
Dear SueDav,
Lovely to hear from you, I know you follow the posts as its nice the way click on the heart to let us know you are still here iam glad you are having better days and meeting up with your detector friends, this would make Andrew very happy and I know he will be with you, it’s nice to talk to people who knew your son as they never make you feel uncomfortable about wanting to share memories about him, We feel the same when we meet up with Matt’s Army pals, I understand how you feel guilty as I share those feelings too, I can’t remember the last time I cried and even though I am so sad inside I don’t seem to be able to cry its like I have run out of tears, our sons wouldn’t want us to be sad so we must try not to feel guilty, easier said than done I know, take care Sue and keep posting as letting others know you are coping gives them hope
Much love to all, from Michelle xxxx
Thank you Michelle it’s good to know I’m not the only one who feels guilty about feeling happy again. Obviously the sadness overwhelms me sometimes and I just sit and cry but when Andrew first died I didn’t believe it would be possible to ever feel anything but absolute despair and heartbreak.
I’d love to be able to say to those who have recently joined this site that you will feel happiness again that your every thought won’t be of your loss but I know we all grieve in our own ways. I can only say that I’m able to appreciate life again but I also miss Andrew with all my heart.
I’m glad you have Matt’s army friends to talk to…it’s the same for me with all our detecting friends. It feels that our sons are still here with us and part of our lives.
Maybe I feel happier too with my life as I’ve decided to not go back to work. I wake up these days with a feeling of calm but of course I am taking sertraline so perhaps that’s helping too.
We’ve got Andrew’s inquest on 12th October…I’ve read all the reports and statements. It came with a warning that the contents could be very distressing but I already had a good idea what it would say. I’d spoken at length with the coroner in the early weeks and he was so nice and very compassionate.
His death was an accident, he was really happy with life and I’ve accepted now that nothing that’s ever said or done can bring him back. I’m lucky I shared so much time with him and laughed with him…some parents never have that with their adult children. He’ll always be part of my life.
Thank you Michelle for replying to my post…it was lovely of you and I’m so pleased that you’re having better days and smiling again.
Love and caring hugs to you and everyone else…Sue xxx
Hi all, reading so many posts about feeling guilty about starting to cope seems to be another one of those grieving issues that lots of people don’t talk about. It’s a strange one, I know my daughter would want me to carry on and even, maybe, sometime be happy again. I’m punishing myself. I can see it’s not necessary or doing anyone any good. It is not all the time tho anymore and on a good day I don’t beat myself up nearly as much as the first few months. Love and hope to everyone on here xxx
Dear Nell and all you lovely people.
Well today we are travelling on the High speed train to the south of France. The first holiday together since we lost our beautiful daughter. We are having a laugh with our train companions and feeling the joy of life.
Then suddenly I was telling them about our girls and of course we end up having to explain about Lisa. We both managed to hold it together and I thought, blooming heck our Lisa is helping us to get on with our lives. I truly felt it. Like she was saying, right you two, it’s time to enjoy the time you have together.
We will never get over losing our children but today, on this adventure , I feel happy and excited. Not felt this way in a long time. Xxx
Love to you all.
Kate xx
Kate, that is wonderful to hear. Enjoy it, you deserve it and you deserve to have fun. She’s there with you in your heart. Happy holiday and very best thoughts xxxx