hi wynne helen jan and all , wynne I hope you are not suffering too much with your arm?, I don’t know about anyone else but last year was absolutely awful with dawn being in hospital and then the worse loosing her in December,but everything just seems to be a effort now , everything has been going wrong we find life so hard now like someone has got it in for us, everything reminds me of dawn every time I do something evan trying to put on a pair of trainers I relalise dawn must of found it such an effort to do anythink as she was disabled the last year. We have been out on our dear friends boat today and all I can think about is dawn cant have any of this, just cant seem to stop crying at the moment,it just gets worse as time goes on, I just hope where ever she is I hope she is happy. Maddie.
Hello Jan
I don’t know if better is the word, I know that I am learning to cope alongside my grief and that talking to Sam helps stupid irrelevant things like I’m off to Asda, I suppose as I have said it’s my way of coping. I know that Sam is all around me. Like your son, Sam’s attitude would be ‘get on with it’ He was a very determined person and if he knew that I didn’t want to go on as I have said to him before…he would be mad at me for not coping. He never once complained about what life had dealt him just enjoyed every minute…so I try to do the same, maybe enjoy is not quite the right word for me but I try to get on as best as I can.
with love
Helen
Dear Helen, Maddie, Jan and everyone. Can’t believe we are nearing the end of another month and the pain seems to remain unrelenting. I read all your posts and it is terrible how much we are all feeling this endless agony. How do we go on sometimes I just want to end it all. Love and strength xx
Dear Maddie, Helen and everyone. Can’t believe it is now September and so begins the agony of this time last year. Last September is when Daniel began to feel poorly with a sore stomach and was losing weight. By early November we were told it was as cancer. I keep thinking about this time last year and how much he struggled to keep upbeat despite all the pain and hospital visits. I wonder how you are all copying. As the leaves turn to brown it feels so very sad with another year about to end. I am starting counselling with cruse next week and wonder if that will help. Thinking of you all. Love
Wynne
Hello Wynne and everyone here, I feel the same as you, as the change in season brings back memories of last year, and when Chris’s health deteriorated significantly, leading to his death in November. I have to draw strength from the very positive way he dealt with his illness and pain. It sounds, from what you said, Daniel was the same. Our young people are inspirational in the face of terrible illness and with the knowledge of forthcoming death.
Chris was determined to see the mountains of Snowdonia one last time, but we only managed to get as far as Brecon. My daughter and I are planning to go to Snowdonia this year to scatter some of his ashes there.
I hope you are feeling a bit better after breaking your arm, and that counselling goes well for you. Do let me know as I am going to a bereavement group, but not till November.
With Best Wishes to all, Anneka .
Hi all (long post)
I’ve not commented for a while but I have been reading your posts, I have now been back at work 10 weeks full time for the last 4. I find for me it does help majority of the time but I crumble once home.
Antony has been gone now 9 months on the 14th .his birthday was on the 3rd he would have been 30. The run up was worse I would say for Me, we had few drinks let balloons go with personal messages on on the Saturday and few his friends came…on the Sunday his actual birthday I spent alone thinking and wishing.
My grief has changed ever so slightly looking back over past 9 months. I still cry everyday and some days it’s just as raw but it doesn’t last morning till night like it did, I know my son died and I know he’s not coming back but doesn’t stop me wishing it or yearning for him and his future lost and mine, I see his friends going on holidays etc and that just tears me up . I know he is missed …i think back to my life and Antony and then find myself thinking How?..where is he?. I have seen medium months ago and he was spot on but I want more, want more proof. I talk to Antony ashes and I surround myself with his photos, memory bear personalised candle and t light holder.i have a bench and plaque with his photo on.
Friends dropped within months I have one true friend, who has been there for me.
I look at Antony and think how can you not be here?. Future is bleak and the only comfort is one day I too will die (I’m 48)… my daughter and her son’s keep me going.
Antony died 14 Dec. The whole month I dread .
So grateful for forums like this even though wish none of us had be here…
Take care
Julie
Xx
Hello wynne,helen and everyone .Yes its creeping up fast this awful depressing time which bring back all bad memories of how Dawn was slowly getting worse,she looked so lovely for a couple of months after she came out of hoital after 4 months,although in constant pain .How are we ever going to get through these few awful months leading up to the anniversarys? You are right wynne it is a constant agony that will not go away.My councillor came again yesterday and she thought I looked so better after the last visit ,but she couldnt be more wrong,as have not been able to sleep again We have kept ourselves realy busey as well but always feel guilty when I get home. best wishes Maddie
Hi Wnne,I know what you are going threw as my beautifull daughter died of pancreatic cancer 19 months ago, all i can tell you is that i try to think about all the happy times we had together, try not to concentrat on the last few months just the good times, thinking of you. Carole
Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing as well as can be expected today. Sorry to jump into this discussion, but does anyone feel up to replying to a new user today? Whiswalk’s son died at age 23, and I’m sure they’d appreciate hearing from people who understand. You can read and reply to their post here: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/my-son-died-23
I will certainly reply to this poor mother. All of us on here have suffered the huge lost of our darling children and it has helped so much to hear how we have found ways to keep getting up each day and getting through this new reality. Life will never be the same and our loved ones remain as close as ever. With love Wynne
Hello Julie
Like you it’s 9 months, I am dreading how I will feel on his birthday in October he will be 35. You’re right about the tears, they don’t last morning till night but they can be there in an instant. I like you talk to Sam all the time it helps, and I have photo’s of him all around. I also have lots of the things he used his cups and his plates, a beautiful candle holder he bought for his flat I saw a medium called Marcus and he mentioned aabout Sam liked that i had all things of his still around, he also said to me do you feel Sam when you’re driving in your little black car (how did he know his name and that I drove a little black car?) and said yes I do and he asked if he could be frank and say it as he’s being told…"that’s because you’re such a crap driver!! (that is something that Sam said all the time to me) there was so much it would take forever to write it all. But above all he said one thing to me…Marcus said that reply you get instantly in your head to a question you’ve asked out loud to Sam…it’s him replying. I always say to Sam I love you and I always get back I love you too. Those were the last words he said to me before he slipped into a deep coma. So I still talk each day to him put fresh flowers by his ashes which I still have each week and try to keep going some days better than others.
Like you Julie, the ache is still there but he would be so angry if I just gave up on living.
with love Helen
Dear Helen, Julie and all other who have lost a child, it has been a while since I have written on here. I know so many of you continue to find it hard especially around special anniversaries and birthdays. For us the pain does not seem to get any less but we have come to some sort of acceptance that this now how life will be. Always missing our son and grieving that he is not with us. We somehow find the strength to get up each morning after a restless sleep and how we all so wish we could just have him back even for just one more day … We will never understand why he was taken so young leaving a life unfulfilled but we feel grateful he was part of us and he will remain so until all,of us depart to what ever lies ahead. Sending you all love and hope we manage to all get through this so the tears become less. Wynne
Hello Wynne and all
How right you are. Today Sam has been gone 10 months and next Tuesday will be his 35th birthday. As I’m writing this tears are flowing and I wonder how I’m going to get through today let alone the rest of my life. With love Helen
Hello Wynne,Helen .
Havent heard from you for quite a while,it does not get any easier does it thinking of you Helen on this sad day which would have been Sams birthday I hope you will find some peace with your family around you. It was 10months on sunday that we lost Dawn and like both of you have got the dreaded anniverysarys coming up . How are we ever going to get through them ? I have managed to put Dawns photo out now it was like the great unveiling, very painful, but I am getting used to looking at her now and talk to her all the time . Went to see another medium on Saturday, as I thought we were getting somewhere last time ,but this one was useless, didn’t pick up anything, all she wanted to do was heal me , and I told her I don’t want to be healed I have to through this awful time , Love to you all Maddie
Hi Maddie
It’s nice to hear from you. I too dread the anniversaries. On December 9th it will be a year since Sam left but you’re so right it doesn’t seem to get easier. I try hard and have such good kind friends but I still don’t want to be here. I cannot do anything stupid Sam would be so appalled he fought so hard to stay. Did so much and wouldn’t give up so I don’t have a choice. Just keep going I tell myself. With love Helen
Hi Helen and everyone,
It’s so hard for us all, evenmore so at these anniversaries,birthdays and occasions as we miss our daughters and sons so much. Their missing presence is emphasised at these times and it feels unbearable. I understand your sheer horror at the thought of what you have to face.
We have just passed the second anniversary, so two of everything as well as many other occasions, and all I can offer is that I can honestly say that the build up is probably the most difficult time. I made basic plans to cope and each one came and went and somehow we survived. Afterwards, I felt better, probably relief, until the next one rears. I know you will get through.
I will be thinking of you. X
Thanks Bir
Its so hard and thank you for your kind words. John has arranged for us to go to Cornwall with 2 very good friends in December covering the 9th when Sam left us. I enjoy cooking and so I shall organise all the food which will keep me occupied. He has also booked for us to go to South Africa to Table Mountain in March next year. I shall scatter some of Sam’s ashes there as he never got there and I know he would have loved to have gone. I talk each day to Sam and I had the distinct feeling he was not happy with me when I wrote what I did as I was so upset, you’re right it’s the build up, the dread of it coming Sam’s birthday is next Tuesday the 17th, I think Maddie love her thought it was the 10th but as you say it’s the build up I can feel it now, but today I have Stanley my 3 year old grandson…there is no time to sit and cry although I am writing this as he’s watching Peppa Pig on TV.
Thank you for thinking of me, I know you mentioned in your letter it is 2 years for you now, the same as my sister in law who lost her son aged 30 from a football accident. I heard a few days ago a chap who went to the same school as Sam he also was 34 and has just recently passed away from a secondary brain tumour and melanoma, this disease is shocking and so his parents, wife and his two children are just entering the road that we are travelling down. I feel that we just have to live life for your daughter, my Sam and for any of the children/fathers that have passed. I think this poem encompasses it all: -
As I sit in heave And watch you everyday
I try to let you know with signs I never went away
I hear you when you’re laughing And watch you as you sleep
I even place my arms around you
To calm you as you weep
I see you wish the days away
Begging to have me home
So I try to send you signs
So you know you are not alone
Don’t feel guilty that you have
Life that was denied to me
Heaven is truly beautiful
Just you wait and see
So live your life, laugh again
Enjoy yourself, be free
Then I know with every breath you take
You’ll be taking one for me!!!
Oh Helen I am so so sorry I got Sams birthday wrong, but tht is me so confused at the moment,but will be thinking of you next week The poem is beautiful, oh I so hope that is how they feel ,Love and hugs to you all Maddie.
Hi Maddie,
Please please don’t worry, like me Sam would laugh his head off, the poem is beautiful, it say’s it all and why we must go on. Right now I don’t feel that but at 12 today my friend is bringing a pyschic to the house to see if she can pick up Sam. I will let you know what she says. I think what Bir said about the build up being worse than the actual day is right. We have decided to let off 3 balloons, in the back garden with messages on them that Sam will be able to see from heaven. I have to pluck up courage to tell my older son that is what we are doing and would he like to join in. I fear that it will upset him so much, because I think the only way he copes is not to think about it at all and bury himself in work.
with love Helen
Hi Helen, balloons are a great idea. We have done this for my daughters birthday and is good for my granddaughter, she likes to Send one us to Mummy. I hope your son can do this with you, maybe his little one will join in, it could break the ice, it will definitely help his straight of mind. My son and his family joined us. I do talk to my son about his sister but I know it’s difficult. There’s less than 18 months between them and they were close. These little things do help but I can understand how painful it is for him. I hope the psychic was helpful. X