Dear Ruby
The pain is indeed unbearable. I can’t stop crying either and all I think of is my daughter Kathryn. The whole incident keeps going round and round in my head. The police at the door, the funeral, it just seems so unreal. Hugs back to you xx
Deborah
Dear Deborah and Ruby,
I am so deeply sorry for you both I am sure you would like to hide under the covers and never get out of bed It reminds me of how we also had the knock at the door on 5th May 2019, I felt I didn’t want to live even though I have other children who needed me its hard to focus on anything other than the pain you have in your heart, I felt that Matt needed me but please try to stay strong as time does make the waves a little smaller but they are still so very painful but they don’t come as often, at the moment you won’t be able to believe this will happen but please believe me it will, you have a long journey ahead of you infact its never ending its a different life but with the love of family and the memories of your beautiful children who will be for ever with you every minute of the day, look for signs as they are there:heart:
God Bless you both keep fighting 
Love Michelle xxx
Dear Michelle
Thank you for your reply. That’s what I’ve been doing just putting the duvet over my head and struggle to get out of bed. I will try and find some strength from somewhere.
Deborah xx
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Dear Deborah
I’m so very sorry you’ve joined us and that you’ ve lost your beautiful daughter. I know how hard it is to write it down…say it out loud…read it. It’s like a punch in the guts.
If sleep is elusive then try and rest at least…do you have support from family/friends? The people on this site are all amazing and supportive so please post whenever you need to. You don’t need to say much…we know the pain, Shock and just absolute devastation you are feeling.
I found meditating helped me tremendously at the beginning- I lost my younger son Henry in October 2019 shortly after his 30th birthday.
Just focus on getting through the next hour.
I wish I could take your pain away I really do.
Big hugs and love
Purple
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Dear Deborah, Purple and Mattsmom,
All of us on here know exactly what you are going through and we have all been there at different times. I know when you say about the elusiveness of sleep, I found talking out loud to Sam my son he was 34 when he died of a brain tumour. We had 4 and a half years with him and I suppose all the time I was grieving inside but I also made an awful lot of memories. I had to cover my grief when Sam was here and he did his best to protect me, He was with me till the last moment he died, as he was falling into a coma I said I love you Sam and he replied “love you too”. He never spoke another word and died the following day. I knew he hated hospitals so I nursed him here at home. Hard but I am so glad I did that. It has helped me to know I did exactly what Sam would want and expect. But even now 4 years later I can still cry and get upset. So I suppose for me it was the 4 years whilst he was with me and I hid my fears and now another 4 years. Grief is like the waves, sometimes it laps at our feet and we manage and at other times the wave washes over our heads and knocks us off our feet.
ASK MY MUM HOW SHE IS
My mum she tells a lot of lies, she never did before
But from now until she dies she’ll tell a whole lot more
Ask my mum how she is and because she can’t explain
She will tell a little lie because she can’t describe the pain
Ask my mum how she is and she’ll say I’m alright,
if that’s the truth then why does she cry at night
Ask my mum how she is she seems to cope so well,
she doesn’t have a choice you see nor the strength to yell
Ask my mum how she is, I’m fine, I’m well I’m coping
For God sake mum just tell the truth your heart is broken
She’ll love me all her life, I loved her all of mine but if you see
Her she’ll lie and say I’m fine
I am here in heaven I cannot hug from here
If she lies to you don’t listen hug her and hold her near
On the day we meet again we’ll smile and I’ll be bold
I’ll say you’re lucky to get in here mum with all the lies you told.
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Dear Purple
I do have support from my husband (Kathryn’s stepfather) my daughter and other family members but it doesn’t seem to help. They do the practical things that I can’t do at the moment. I feel quite alone with my devastating grief. I’m glad that I found this site and can express how I feel
Deborah x
Hi Helen,
What lovely words … they sum us up so well. Thank you 
I’m the same Deborah, I try my best to not think about it all, I watch anything on tv just to try and not think about him constantly. The pain when I think about my beautiful boy is just too awful. I’m currently drinking wine, watching some drama about nuns but his photos are everywhere and I still find it hard to believe we will never speak to each other again although I sometimes still talk to him and although I’m an atheist I still hope that somehow he can hear me and knows how much I love him.
Like you all I can do is try and survive the days x
Ruby x
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Gosh…how eloquent and how true of us all. Beautiful words. 
I know, like you all do, that this is our life now. God knows none of us ever would choose it but we have to live it.
I always said I could cope with anything because I had my lovely boys…I still have George and of course Henry’s son Oliver. And I had Henry for 30 years.
Who knew when they signed up to being a parent how strong the bond with their child would be?
Our children are still with us and we carry them in our hearts wherever they are. I think perhaps they carry us too…
Love to you all - big hugs
Purple
Hi Ruby
I’m the same i just lie on the sofa watching anything. I’m glad that you can look at photos of your son. I can’t look at any of my daughter at the moment but hopefully I will soon. I have been sobbing uncontrollably for the last hour as it has really hit me today that I’m never going to see her again. I might have a glass of wine to calm myself down.
Deborah x
Deborah I’ve been the same, its the realisation we will never see them again, we all react in different ways, I have to have his photos around me but I can understand why you wouldn’t. I also listen to music he liked but a lot of the time I will literally do anything to be distracted from my thoughts of him. I need a few drinks at night so I can try and sleep as its the only escape. You are not alone Deborah, know that I am going through the same pain.
Ruby xx
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Hi Ruby
I did feel alone but speaking on here has given me some comfort knowing that others understand my pain. Im glad his photos and the music that he liked are helping. My GP gave me some sleeping tablets which are helping me. I try and get through the day and look forward to taking those pills which blot it all out for a few hours.
Deborah xx
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I’ve thought about getting some myself Deborah as it can take me ages to switch off from going through it all over and over. Currently just relying on alcohol.
I’m glad you are finding comfort on this, I am too but sometimes it just distresses me more.
We just have to do whatever we can to survive
Ruby x
Purple and dear friends. I was dropping Brooke back to her Daddy yesterday and when I drive away from their lovely new house i always get tearful as i feel Lisa should be waving me off with a kiss and a hug. I was cheered though, thinking we could have lost her when she was a baby and got viral pneumonia but she pulled through . She went on to be the healthiest, most energetic child and young woman. Working so hard at everything she did. Highland dancing, gymnastics, climbing wall, mountain biking, everything. Then her own florist and wedding business. When the retail part was flying away due to no hospital flowers and supermarket flowers being around, she got a part time job at Hobby Craft until she got tenants for her premises. Working all hours to survive. Quickly she rose through the ranks to management and went freelance with wedding flowers. She literally never stopped. It was such a shock that she took ill on the way home from holiday. Even though her infant illness had left her will lung scarring and an ongoing condition, she was so well. I say that but the doctors put her on immune suppressant and she seemed to pick up every little thing.
But… we were so lucky to have her in our lives for 31 years. She was an amazing person who lit up the lives of so many.
We are so privileged to have had her.
This is what keeps me going and having my lovely elder daughter who is amazing with Brooke too.
With love to you.
Kate xxx
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Dear Kate
She does indeed sound like an amazing person. My daughter was the same always striving to try something new. She was also the kindest most caring person you could ever meet. It is such a shock losing her and there is a big hole in my life. I should be thankful to have had her for 40 years but I wanted more. Tears are falling just writing this. I keep being told it will get easier but I don’t know how. Its a struggle to even get up each day. Its been good to share with others on here.
Deborah x
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It does get easier but we all still have meltdowns. They just don’t happen so often . At first I would fall to the floor whimpering and rocking like a frightened animal or a child traumatized by something. Now it happens occasionally but mostly just a quiet weep when I am driving on my own or walking the dogs in the forest.
There is no limit to our grief. It will be with us till it’s our turn to leave this earth. From friends here who have helped me so much, it seems that living with it is all we can. There is no way out.
I hope you can heal a little each time you weep. It seems to help us getting it all out.
Keep posting. We are all here and listen to each other.
With love Kate xx
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Hi Kate
Lisa sounds amazing and so do you. It’s so very difficult to see anything nice when our child has gone…you and I have a grandchild to focus on…what an absolute blessing.
But still we have the loss to bear - I’m sad for Oliver but he’s doing so well. Love helps us all.
We are all adjusting but it so slow you hardly notice it. Thinking back to this time last year…Henry had only been gone a couple of months- I was breaking down weeping constantly…I was completely overwhelmed. It’s less often now…and I can distract myself. I’m almost ashamed to say I only think of him in short bursts…otherwise I fall over again.
I always cry when Oliver goes home…we’re the same there.
Big hugs
Purple x
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Yes dear Purple. Our grandchildren are our life link with our lost children. We are fine when we are with them but lost again when they go home.
Brooke will he here again tomorrow and Wednesday as her Daddy is working. So I will be happy and making things with her and going sledging if the snow stays.
Happy days. They come and they go for us.
Love to you xxx
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Hi All
Very bad day today. I have taken to drinking wine. I have hardly had any alcohol since it happened not even the day of her funeral. My daughter came over today and we have had tears non stop. I feel sad that my daughter’s life was brought to a halt when she had such plans for the future. Also a very good friend of mine passed away yesterday at 49 years old. The last time I saw him was at my daughters funeral and spoke to him only yesterday. Life is so fragile. I am shocked again by his sudden death. There was one positive today. My daughters favourite charity St Christopher’s hospice received £2050.00 in donations in her name. That is an incredible amount considering that she had so many flowers the funeral company had to lay on another hearse even though we had a horses and carriage and 4 funeral cars to carry them. That’s how much she was loved. We were only allowed 30 people in the Chapel but there were so many people that loved her they lined the walkway to the Chapel and watched the service on their phones some coming from as far as Scotland and Wales. It is uplifting to know she was so loved but also sad that she cannot enjoy their company anymore. When will this pain and crying stop. I know its only been just over 4 weeks but I am struggling to carry on without her.
Deborah
Helen, I Remember reading this verse just after I lost Christian, I cried then, and I still cry today when I read it…The words can only come from a Mother who as lost a child.
Thank you…xxx
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