Hi Deborah
Sorry to hear you have had a bad day today, yesterday was my wine drinking day but today I’ve not even got dressed to go and buy any. I dont see the point in doing anything. Its only 4 weeks for me too and I still feel shocked constantly that my boy is gone. I would do anything to see him again and I would have swapped places with him in a second.
I also have over £1000 raised by his workmates to give to charity in his name. It is nice to know how loved they were and how many people cared yet I feel completely alone. Just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
Thinking of you
Ruby x
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Hi Ruby
You are not alone. I am here and I totally understand your feelings. I pray to God every night to take me so that I can be with my daughter. I also feel that there is no point to anything and cannot bear a life of sorrow and being without my daughter but I suppose we have to go on for the sake of our other children. I am glad that our children were so loved. It is a comfort. I work in the legal team for a mental health Trust and we deal with all the suicides and inquests etc. I do remember one relative saying to me if you don’t carry on you just pass the pain on to someone else. Although I pray for death something makes me get out of bed every day even though it may be in the afternoon and I feel numb and just go through the motions. I haven’t been out of the house for over a week although I have the beach just across the road from me and used to love going for walks along it. It just brings pain and memories of my daughter. Believe me when I say I know exactly what you are going through and I’m sure that we are both in shock. Please call your GP tomorrow and get some sleeping pills, they really help. I am here for you 
Hi Deborah,
I know it would be awful gor my son Euan to lose me and I will struggle on for him but there is no joy to life. All the things I loved hold no interest. Like you I havent been out, I would normally be on walks with my wee dog but I’ve been asking Euan to take her.
Trying to get some escapism with coronation st and there is a funeral and an ambulance because someone is bringing up blood like my son did.
Honestly just can’t bear anything
Thank you for your kind words despite everything you are going through
Ruby
My darling 4 weeks is still so raw for you. I know it was 6 weeks when I first posted here and Helen and Victoria were the first to pick me up and offer comfort. Flowed by Madfue and Marina and MaryL. Chel followed too.
What I mean by this is that we are all here to help. It is so hard in the early days. Grief consumes us.
We are all here, day and night.
Take care dear girl. We all care so very much.
Kate xxxx
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Thank you Kate
I just can’t believe we won’t talk again, its such a shock throughout the day as it hits me over and over.
I’ve done nothing today, no motivation for anything, its just like whats the point. Anything thank you to everyone who has reached out to me. No one else really understands
Ruby x
Dear Deborah and Ruby,
There are no words that can change how you are both feeling right now but I wished I could press a fast forward button for you both as when I think back to the early days it was exactly the same, hell on earth, I also remember feeling proud of how much was raised for charity in Matts name and all the thoughtful things his friends did and still do which shows how much he was loved just as your precious children are loved and will never be forgotten the support on this site these lovely ladies will offer you will prove invaluable but the fact you have also found each other is so special as you are both able to support each other, all the thoughts you are both having are all the same ones we all had and sometimes even now I have days like that. I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you both and praying for you take care much love Michelle xxx
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Thank you so much Michelle for taking the time to send such a supportive message. At the moment I cant see light at the end of the tunnel and im still in a state of disbelief.
I just desperately want it not to be true. I hope its not so raw and painful in time although that feels impossible at moment.
I’m glad I found this site though as no one else can really understand
Ruby x
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,Hello,all dear friends,
Reading your post i have noticed Ruby,Deborah, have now had to join us ,i am so so sorry for your loss of your beautiful children… .,But i know you feel comfort on this amazing site ,.,as we all know what each other are feeling…Other people can be so insensive,they do not know what to say and make a complete hash of it ,and i know know sometimes i have wanted to scream at them .We have just got through the 28th,which was the last day we said goodbye to Dawn, and i must admit i was feeling very weepy as everythingkept coming backinto my head what a traumatic time it was …i still hate putting up the xmas decs,as i know when we left Dawn after she took her last breath,all i wanted to do was take them down ,but after every moaned saying Dawn would not want that,we left them up ,but did not turn on the lights ,as the light of our lives had now passed away.Same with the photos of her ,i could not put any out for 5 months ,but now i love looking at her face and i talk to her all the time ,hoping to get a reply back…Helen the poem is lovely ,i rember you putting that on a little while back,it really sums it all up ,.I know how raw it is for a few at the moment,but after 4years i i still think i have got a massive hole in heart,and there is always that one person missing, .But i learn to control my crying ,as i always cry when i am by myself . Because Sarah keeps reminding me ,that if i keep being so depressing , i will not have any friends left . So God bless Sue Ryder .Love to all Maddie xxx
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Oh Maddie, the anniversaries are awful. I woke at 3.45 am and I was back in that room with the doctors saying they would start the drip to let Lisa go into a deep sleep before switching off the ECMO. I kept hoping for a miracle in that when it was switched off her oxygen levels would be fine and she would get better. Well, you know that didnt happen.
Like you with your beautiful Dawn, that moment in time will haunt me forever.
As you said to our new friends here, we are the only ones who really understand. We can say anything at all and we will not be judged, just given kind words of wisdom from those of us who are further on in time.
Thankyou for being here.
With love, Kate xxx
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I just want to scream with anger tonight, im half way through a bottle of wine and it keeps hitting me again and again that he is gone and I cant go with him because my other son would be devastated and my wee dog would constantly look for me so I’m stuck in a life I dont want to live anymore. I dont want to talk to people, I dont want to go back to work but im here struggling each day just wanting not to be here!
Ruby
Ruby darling, take it from me, this is absolutely normal. All of us here have felt this way. It’s horrendous but after a few hours we start to realise that we are indeed, needed. That in itself is so important. We are needed, we would be missed and more than that, we would cause so much heartache if we were not here. This is what keeps us going.
I know our elder daughter would just break down , my husband would not be able to cope. Our granddaughter would be in a terrible place and the two dogs of our 4 that I take care of would be devastated.
We are not unique, many have been before us. It hurts so much but we have to carry on.
With love. Kate xxx
Dear Ruby
It’s such early days and the pain is horrendous…it’s the reality kicking in…it’s the worst thing for any parent 
I know it doesn’t seem possible for things to ever be any different…but believe me somehow your tragic loss becomes something you learn to live with. It’s just a long slow journey. Just one hour at a time.
How is your other son coping? Does he live with you?
We are all here for you.
With love
Purple
Dear Ruby
I was like that last night, I drank a bottle of wine and hated everyone including my husband. Today I am just numb and I still cannot believe that she has gone. I too feel like I don’t want to carry on. The pain and sorrow of never seeing her again is too much to bear. My other daughter has been with me this afternoon and has been trying to get me to eat more but I really can’t be bothered. I just want to curl up and leave this world. My daughter said I must be strong and get through this but like you I don’t want to be here but I must stay for my daughter and sons sake. At the moment I am just staring at the TV just waiting for the time when I can take my sleeping pills and blot it all out for a few hours.
Deborah x
Hi Deborah, we all feel for you so much and know something of how you are feeling. We have all been in your terrible position.
Try to take things slowly … baby steps … just take it a day at a time and like us you will get through this.
You have been traumatised and so have your other children. Your other daughter sounds wonderful in looking after you.
Keep posting here as you truly are among friends. Sending you lots of love xxx
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Deborah, it’s so awful at first. The shock, then the numbness followed by the reality of it. It’s so so hard to deal with. The constant pain within us. We all feel this and we have survived.
With love.
Kate xxx
I completely understand Deborah
Life feels worthless, as much as I love my other son and I love my wee dog without Scott I just don’t feel like I want to live. I am very close to my other son Euan and I know he needs me but I feel no pleasure in anything and how will we continue feeling like this day after day.
I am nearly finished a bottle of wine, I am jealous of the sleeping pills but I don’t trust myself with them.
Get a good sleep Deborah xxxx
Ruby
Hi Victoria and Kate
Thank you for responding. I’ve never experienced this pain before and she consumes all of my thoughts from the moment I wake up. I cannot envisage a time when I will not feel this way but I trust you when you say it does get easier. I can’t believe its been 5 weeks since the police knocked on our door, it all seems so unreal.
Deborah xx
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Yeah purple he lives with me, he can be socially awkward and sometimes he says the wrong thing but he has a heart of gold and we are very close. I want to maybe take him on holiday when we can but thats when I’m feeling more positive. Today I just haven’t moved, my poor dog hasn’t had a decent walk but I just can’t bear to know my beautiful Scott is never going to call me, text me or tag me in some funny dog thing on Facebook and I still can’t really believe it
Ruby x
Hi Ruby
I can’t imagine a time when I will ever be able to laugh or enjoy anything ever again but I have been told that I will.
I’m going to have a hot bath and take the pills. I don’t trust myself with them so my husband has them and gives me two each night.
I hope you sleep well tonight.
Much love Deborah xx
Thank you Kate, I know you are right but getting through each day is so unbearable, I cant ever imagine even smiling again, im sure my friends will all get fed up because when they phone me I just cry. Its not a problem you can bitch about with your friends over a bottle of wine its so painful, life changing, like a nightmare ill never wake up from. I envy your strength. friends keep telling me I’m strong but im not im broken forever
Ruby x