Hi Maddie,
thanks for your reply, I was rambling and so upset, my friend Dee came, and off we went shopping, she’s a fighter too and had her fair share of ups and downs. You are right, both Dawn and Sam were fighters and never gave up which is how we’ve ended up trying to fight the grief. As the years roll on, it will not get easier for us about losing them but it will be easier for us at masking our hurt. I know Sam is disappointed in me he was one of those people that got on with whatever life dealt him but as I have already said to him out loud, I’m not as strong as he is. I have to keep trying for my other son Geraint who is 3 years older than Sam, John my second husband and the grandchildren especially Stanley who is 3. I have him on a Wednesday for the day and we go off on the bus, he loves the bus and I pick him up around 8am and I fill the day so Wednesday’s are always easier. I have collected myself now and I’m trying to do things here in the house. It is so good that we can write on here exactly how we are feeling. Thank you for being there,
with love Helen
Hi Helen I’m glad you have recovered a little, I must admit the only thing that helps me is a little bit of retail therapy and having the grandchildren you feel you cant break down in front of them, so I hope you have a better day tomorrow. Love Maddie x
Hi Maddie,
Retail therapy and having Stanley on a Wednesday is brilliant, he keeps me going and as you say you can’t break down in front of the grandchildren, so I am sure I will have a better day tomorrow. Thank you for replying
with love Helen
Dear Maddie, Helen and all, Yes, these dark days and long nights seem to be unending now especially as we all seem to be drawing closer to anniversaries and remembering this time last year. It all seems to be so pointless and then a little gem of light or goodness encourages you to keep going. Knowing that others are on this same journey helps so much as your realise that one is not alone with the pain and sadness. I am glad that retail therapy was a good distraction. Buying little gifts for others does help a bit. Christmas is going to be such a hard time and we are going to share it by being close to good family and friends and not get involved in the commercial side with all the jolliness and frivolity. Daniel always loved Christmas and especially chose just the right presents for us all - so this will be hard. Sending so much love to all. Wynne
Im so so sorry my daughter was 25 she died in the shower no warning, sudden adult death. The pain is unbearable, im not going to lie to you, you have a long road ahead, its 3 years for me, i didnt think i would ever leave tge house again let alone care about my appearence nothing mattered to me i didnt even wash some days. Im now putting on makeup and doing small things but each day i find i take another step. Life is still not life im still struggling every single day but i do have better days and sometimes find myself smiling and even laughing. Just be kind to yourself dont expect anything just take each and everyday as it comes and allow the grief to be part of you, it will ease a little and you will eventually have tear free days and one day you will learn to live along side your loss, it will never leave you how could it, it will just be part of who you are now. Xx
Hello Susie
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter so suddenly and thank you for sharing what you know, it is good to hear from people who are further down the road than us. I was hoping that after the operation and the 4 years he had, he had beaten it but it came back in August last year and by December he had died, I kept hoping he will pull up on the drive or walk in through the door but I know now that will never happen. I try very very hard for Sam as he was the type of person who took what life threw at him and I know he would want me to get on. I miss him so much because not only was he my son, he was my friend. He came home to me in the September said I have to stay a week while I’m on chemo again but stayed and we had a great time together, even up to the Wednesday night before he died on the Friday. He was a fighter so I know I have to fight until I close my eyes for the last time and see him again.
With love Helen
You will always have a fight on your hands as will I. Its not right to bury your children. The pain will never go you just learn some how to live around it. I know i will never be the same person again, how can we be. Take care. Sending hugs. Xx
Dear Susie and all others on this road. So sorry to hear that life continues to be such a struggle for you after losing your precious daughter in such a horrible way. I feel that all of us have been through and continue to go through each day such agony. We all I guess do continue to keep getting up and applying the mask but deep down inside the pain is as sharp as ever. It is good to read how some days are easier than others but how all of us then plummet to the depths again. For the me the tears are always there just below the surface ready to spill over. Boosting each other up on the dark days really helps and I continue to hope so much we will see out boys and girls again. With love Wynne
Hello Wynne Maddie and everyone else on this horrible road,
I am 100% sure I will see Sam again, maybe not for a few years, not bothered either way but I know he will be right by my side when I pass over. I know that he is all around me. I think as the 9th December draws near my emotions are in turmoil. Yet every time I get upset or start to cry my phone will either ring or I’ll have an incoming text, yesterday I was upset, and John turned up on the drive, and Dee my friend called. Both said there was something, couldn’t put their finger on what but they knew they had to come to me. I know that was Sam. He does it every time.
With love Helen
Hello everyone , we all seem to be struggling so much life if so unfare that we do not have our beloved sons and daughters with us,this time of year does not help with everyone getting ready for xmas, and we just want it to go away. Last week we were had planed to scatter Dawns ashes the ones we have in a tub in the garden,as I thought she would rather be by the sea, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it pehaps I thought she would be so cold out there this time of year, at least I can talk to her in the garden. Oh Helen, its nice to hear you are getting little sighns from Sam, as I think we might be getting something everytime I get realy upset I seem to get a feather or something falls down. I have a letter to Dawn in the bedroom, we came home late one evening, I had quite a few tears when I went into the room it just came floating down , I called my husband in because there was no explanation for it, if only we knew. love Maddie
Hello Maddie,
You must believe it’s Dawn she will never leave you like I once said to Wynne love is too strong a bond to be broken by death, and I know love goes both ways that is why Dawn is around you. Marcus the spiritualist said to me, Sam is trying everything to let you know he is around you. So I look and I know that when I get upset Sam is there, he sits on the arm of my chair, I know this because that is where I feel him the most, which is why I talk out loud to him and I know when I ask a question and get an answer back immediately it’s Sam and it’s the way Sam would say it. So I’m 100% sure and I will never waiver in that.
Look for things that Dawn likes, I light a pink very fragrant candle every day for Sam, and Marcus said by the way Sam really likes the smell of that candle you light for him…there was too much evidence about Sam for it not to be. I am not sure where in the Country you are, but I have his number if you want I am in Bristol.
With love Helen
Dear Helen, Maddie and all others,
Your wise kind words help so much Helen. It is reassuring to hear what a strong bond you had with Sam and how he still seems to be around you. Some days it is so hard to really understand what is happening and how much our lives have changed. Every fibre just wants to return to how it use to be but that of course is impossible. As I have already mentioned my faith has taken a deep dive and I do find it hard to now believe in anything except being with good people. It feels now we had a life before Daniel and now we have this other life after Daniel but it hurts so much …
Sending love to all
Wynne
Hello Wynne,
It certainly does hurt…I try to keep busy all the time, and when it hurt’s so much I start to cry I talk out loud to Sam. I’m getting in a bit of a pickle probably like you for the 11th because the 9th December draws near, and I don’t want it to come. Sam knows I love him as I tell him everyday…but I keep getting a voice in my head saying I know mum…a sort of exasperated voice which is how he could let me know sometimes I was getting on his nerves…even then he never got really cross. He knows he was my rock, Marcus said that to me. I have the grandchildren and my other son and my husbands children so I have no choice but to keep going. We are going to Cornwall with friends on the 7th December until the 12th and I’m doing the menu’s and the cooking so I will be occupied which is good. We took Sam, Mathilda and her mum and sister there in a farmhouse when they both came over from Sweden, Sam was on chemo then and still walked the length of the Lizard so I shall scatter a few ashes there and then Cape Town in March. If I keep busy I have a chance of coping.
With love Helen
Hello everyone here,
I’m finding time such a strange concept, why should a year be so significant and cause so much agony ? It’s now over a year since Chris’s death and really the day was not too bad . I went up to a local arboretum in the morning, somewhere Chris and I loved visiting and where I still go regularly. In the evening some of his friends came for supper which was lovely. The house is like a flower garden, so why do I feel so bad ?
Still so many unanswered questions , and Wynne, those questions about faith as well. How could a benevolent , loving god take our beautiful children, and in such a cruel way ? Chris believed that in order to die you have to give up the ego and become part of the universe. It is what I hang onto and see him in the stream, the breeze, and sun rises.
Love to you all, Anneka
Hello Helen, Wynne and others,
Thankyou Helen for offering your medium to us, but we live near Southampton and I do not think he will travel that far.Helen please do not take offence. but have you tried the Ouija board? We were round our other daughters house the other evening for a get together, when someone suggested we try it And I have to tell you I was so over whelmed by it .Dawn came through loud and clear she told us to get a life,new we were going to Lake Garda for xmas and much more .I realy did not want to do it it was only a mock of a board but I am so addicted to it I want to do it again , but Sarah said we cant keep on doing pehaps later. But it does give you peace of mind , it doesn’t change the fact that they are not here with us and the pain does not go away, but she told us she was happy and she could hear us when she was in her coma and that’s what I wanted to hear . love and best wishes to you all Maddie x
Hello Maddie
I wouldn’t dream of taking offence, I’ve never tried a ouija board. Marcus also told me that Sam could hear me when he was in a coma but could not respond, this is how I know that Dawn is around you like Sam around me. I did ask about seeing Marcus again but he also said to wait, as they have to build their strength. you’re right it does give you peace of mind but doesn’t change the hurt that they are not here. Sam also is happy and Marcus said…he wouldn’t come back now. He also said about the scar on the left side of his head (this is where Mr Iyer the neurosurgeon took as much of the tumour as he possibly could) but in doing so gave him a controlled stroke on the operating table and so as Marcus said his motor skills are all healed (his left hand never quite recovered) but having said that he went on a college course to do carpentry and a few weeks before he died, his certificates came through marked with distinction. I feel so proud of Sam, as I am sure you are of Dawn. I have to try and keep going though sometimes it is so so hard…with all my love Helen
Hi everyone,
Just to let you know that I have moved this conversation into our brand new Losing a Child category. We created this category to help bereaved parents find the most relevant conversations more easily.
You don’t need to do anything differently to keep reading and posting in this conversation, and if you have the link to it saved anywhere, it will still work. You can visit the new category to check out other conversations started by bereaved parents.
I hope you don’t mind this change, but, as this is the longest-running conversation between bereaved parents on the site, I thought it was best to put it where new users could find it easily if they need to. If you have any questions of comments, you can get in touch with me on online.community@sueryder.org.
Hello All on this pathway,
I’m struggling today more so than usual, and I have just read all the recent posts under the new category of losing a child. One thing I have gleaned from it all is that the hurt is all consuming but inside us most of the time, we try as hard as we can to show the World a calm exterior it reminds me of swans perfect balance on the top and paddling like hell underneath to stay afloat. I have said before when I get really down like now I talk out loud to Sam and ask stupid questions…I keep thinking like another lady on this site I cannot do anything stupid because of my other son, my husband and the grandchildren. I really don’t know when you start to manage to walk alongside the hurt and the grief, they say time heals…All I know is I will see Sam again when I close my eyes for the last time. But like Paul said it does change your perception of life and of people, I find I have a tolerance level of zero for people that moan about stupid inconsequential things"I’ve had a bad day!!" one of the usual statements they don’t know the meaning of the sentence! and like Paul I will try and get as much as I can out of this life until I see Sam again
With love to you all
Helen
Hi All,
I get really down when I think of the dark days of illness and pain, and that question “why?”. It hurts to think what my daughter was facing and she knew it even though she had some hope in the treatment until it wasn’t to be. She was so courageous and strong and didn’t want to upset anyone or have them feeling sorry for her. One of her work colleagues said to me and her Dad at her memorial service “ she was who she was because of you.” Amongst the sadness we feel, we must take some strength from this as should all of you. X
Dear all, can not believe we have now entered the month of December and we are getting so close to Christmas and all the memories of this time last year when our lives changed for ever. For so many of us our young sons and daughters were suffering so bravely when they were in such pain trying hard to mask what must have been going on in their minds. As several of you have mentioned it is hard to keep from breaking down and weeping especially when this is a time for so many when loved ones get together and celebrate family. For us a piece of the family jigsaw will always be missing and therefore incomplete. I suspect as the years go by this agony will never cease and it is so hard to even contemplate so many gatherings when our beautiful boy won’t be with us smiling his gorgeous smile. So very hard… sending you all my love . Wynne