Dear Helen, just wanted to write to say You are in my thoughts as the day gets closer. It so very hard to think of this time just one year ago and how we have all suffered and been robbed of our precious jewels. It feels hard also as the Christmas cards trickle in and the Christmas goodies fill the shops. I wonder if others are sending cards we just do not have the energy or the will power to sit down and write them. Is this wrong? Just want to fast backwards and savour the times we had with our boy. The pain just never seems to endā¦ thinking of you and holding your hand. Love Wynne
Hello Wynne,
Thank you so much for your kind words, I am back from Cornwall, it was slightly easier to go away for the anniversary. We went with 2 friends that we have always gone to Cornwall with for the past 6 or 7 years apart from last year. They made it so easy for me whilst there and today I had Stanley my 3 year old grandson and he wanted to help put up the Christmas tree. Itās been a bit fraught today because the last time I put it up it was for Sam to see whilst he was dying, but itās in the same place and I have said to him what Iāve done. Whilst in Cornwall he was all around me I could feel him, and he left me a lovely white feather and he left John a coin so I think he approved of us going away. On the anniversary at the Cross Keys pub where Sam had always gone with all his mates for a drink, they put up a brass plaque to him and everyone went there not one of his friends missed it. It made me realise, that if you measure your wealth in friends then he was a very very rich man. All the comments on his Facebook page say it all. I am so proud. I would imagine he was looking down on them as well.
Take care Wynne, remember Daniel is all around you, he will never leave you. Have as best a time as you can through Christmas.
with lots of love
Helen
Hello Helen and all others going through this sad time, Helen glad you got back safely from Cornwall, so pleased you felt Sam around you and you managed to get a feather, I didnāt get anything from Dawn I felt sure we would get something as we had a few things leading up to the day . I feel she is slipping away, as they say you get more signs the first year. I feel Iām slipping away with her as I donāt seem to have any interest in anything, , so pehaps like you we might get something when we get to Garda.
Take care Maddie x
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Hello Maddie,
Like you I sometimes feel Sam is not around me, heās off looking in on others so I talk to him and I wait and then heās back with me I know 'cause I say I love you Sam and then in my head straight back I get love you too (which is how he always said it). Dawn is all around you, and also like Sam safely tucked in your heart.
Take care, Maddie, love Helen
Hello Maddie and Wynne, This is for youā¦
You can shed your tears that Dawn and Daniel have gone
Or you can smile because she and he has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that she and he comes back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she and he left
Your heart can be empty because you cantā see her or him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember her and only that she and he are gone
Or you can cherish Dawn and Danielās memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she and he would want
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
with love Helen
Dear Helen, Maddie and all others.
The poem you shared was so poignant and beautiful. Just ish we never were on this road. Your strength and encouragement are amazing and often keep me going in the darkness of lost and grief.
We are just about to leave to be with other members of the family as the day grows closer to Christmas the lost seems to intensify.
Thank you all for your support. Love as always. Wynne.
P.S. always in my thoughts. Xxxx
Hello Helen and Wynne, yes thankyou Helen for your beautiful words they bring such comfort when feeling realy down down which seems to be more than ever, properly the time of year. Just finished packing for Garda must say my heart just doesnāt seem to be in it , but pehaps when we get going on Thursday it might take our minds of it a little bit hoping Dawn will be there with us . Anyway I hope you all get through with xmas the best you can . Love to you all Maddie xxxx
Hello both
I am sure that it is the time of year, I so want it to be over with. I canāt seem to look forward to Christmas but the grandchildren are all so looking forward to it it just seemās I have no choice. Maddie, Dawn will be with you in Lake Garda and everything you see she will see. Look closely for her and she will be there, in your mindās eye you can see and hear everything.
Wynne, Like you I wish this road had never been set before me, but it has and I have to walk along itā¦it helps that you are all there and understand. Daniel like Sam and Dawn, can see usā¦and I know they will not want us to try to cope and get on as best we all can through this Christmas
With all my love Helen
Maddie, Wynne
I meant to say to you bothā¦ not want us to feel so overwhelmed we canāt cope but to try and cope as best we all can through Christmas
with love Helen
Dear Helen, Maddie and everyone, We have just returned from Christmas and New Year spending it away from home as it was all too difficult remembering this time last year when our darling boy was so very ill. Now of course being back the memories flood back again and we question again and again what was the purpose of taking someone so young. His life was ahead of him and we know he was on the cusp of achieving joy and fulfilment but all that has been taken. The bitterness of his few years on this earth make it feel again impossible to understand and to go on. I hope all of you who have lost precious sons and daughters somehow managed to have some joy. On New Yearās Day our extended family went for an early morning swim in the freezing sea. On emerging we saw a double rainbow above us. I like to think this was our boy shining down on us ā¦ if only he could be with us in person. Sending you all love. Wynne
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Hello Wynne Helen , and others, well here we are again without our precious children , and I must admit still no eaiser after going away for xmas it did feel a void for a while as we met some lovely people in Garda which did help to take our minds of thE worse of xmas, , so hoping to have a sign from Dawn to say welcome back, but all we have come back to is a brocken boiler which has to be replaced a nd my husband in bed with the flu. I know Dawn would not want it this way, she would always say mum you have to look after Dad hes not getting any younger. Anyway nice to hear from you Wynne and hope you survived the freezing sea without getting a cold ā¦ love to you all Maddie
Hello All
Iām glad Maddie that it was very very slightly easier whilst away, I must say we went away for the anniversary, but Geraint my eldest wanted a family Christmasā¦to even include my ex husbandā¦but it went off OK, I must admit Philip (my ex) looks absolutely dreadful and I feel sorry for him. There is too much guilt there for him to cope. I miss Sam everyday but find Iām more able to cope if I talk out loud to him.
All we can do is go on exactly how they would wish us to.
With love to you all
Helen
Wynne,
I am so pleased for you, to have seen a double rainbowā¦that is certainly Daniel. There are no coincidences in lifeā¦that was a sure sign that he is and always will be around you. It is so easy to feel bitter that our sonās went before us itās not the natural order but if we let that creep in, it will tinge everything. I try so desperately not to be bitter that heās gone but it is so very very hardā¦by keeping so busy most days I can almost feel normal!! We just have to try and do what they would want us to do.
Dear Maddie, Helen and others, Already a week nearly into 2018 and it is so hard to know that our children will never share any new memories with us this year. Thank you for your kind words. The gloominess of this time of the year only adds to the agony remembering this time last year. I have returned to the doctor to seek help as the weeping every single morning and last thing at night never seems to end. I look for signs of our boy everywhere but never really sure - all I want is to be his mum and care for him again. To laugh and share life with him. How do we all go on ā¦ is this our new reality? So hard and seems so unfair to those young people. I wish I could believe we will meet again but my faith remains very shaken. Sending so much love to you all. Wynnne
Wynne and everyone, you sum up my feelings so well and this is now the third Christmas and New Year for me. I did enjoy shopping for my Grandchildren and seeing their little faces on Christmas Day but I struggled through the rest wearing the mask. I couldnāt face another New Years Eve at home crying so we decided to go away for the week to Canaries which helped get us through, a change of scenery really was a help but I still got upset at times.
I try as Helen does to not be bitter but I agree it is so hard.
2 days before Christmas, I had a been upset staring at my sofa, imagining my daughter laughing, smiling, talking and enjoying her time staying at Christmas time. A couple of hours later, I got a phone call from a clairvoyant lady who Iād seen last year. She said sheād had a message for me from my daughter. She said she was fine and I have not to cry. She said she loved us all. This lady had told me previously I had to look for butterflies and robins which I have seen on a few occasions. It was a little bit of comfort. While away, a butterfly landed on a chair next to me. I hadnāt seen any anywhere before this and it stayed for a couple of minutes, opening and closing itās wings.
I recently read Gloria Hunnifordās Always with You. It was difficult to read in places but very worthwhile.
Love to all x
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Hello Bir,
As I said to Wynne, there are no coincidences, I am so glad that Clairvoyant contacted you and she told you that your daughter was happy. Marcus the medium I saw saidā¦Sam said he wouldnāt come back even if he could nowā¦and one of the best things is he gets to travel wherever he wantsā¦and cheekily Sam had said to him best part I donāt have to pay for it (Sam would say that, he was always cheeky with a smile) so you couldnāt help but laugh at him. He used to get away with anything because of the way he either asked, or suggested! I miss him so much but I know heās here with meā¦He did boxing for a very short while when he was about 11 and was part of Broad Plain Boys Club, they were involved in a competition against Bethnell Green who came down to Broad Plain In boxing it goes on weight and reach, and Sam had to fight some young lad who was about 5 years older, so Dennis the coach said to Sam weāll pull you outā¦typical Sam said noā¦thereās only 1 thing he has to learn when Dennis asked whatās thatā¦he said to get up!! Sam luckily was involved in all sorts of sport and with loads of friends that is why especially with the boys club he stayed grounded and didnāt go off the rails when his father and I split as my ex husband could be quite nasty to me. I have since learned with the type of tumour Sam had he should only have lived for around 6 to 12 months, he lived and had good quality of life for 4 years still did his snowboarding and travelling. Determination is everything, and that is why I cannot let him down I have to succeed to keep going for him and for John my second husband and my other son and the grandchildren. Sam would be disappointed in me if I do not try and just give up, like I would so wish to do at times, like today in fact.
With love to you all on this terrible road Helen
My son has died age 21. He was found in the canal last Thursday I just donāt know how to cope xx
Dear Weerach
My heart goes out to you - I lost my son in a RTA in July 2016 it ripped me apart and I am sure that you are experiencing that same pain the loss of a child brings - you will read so many stories from mothers on this site who have and are going through the same ā¦you are not alone in your grief and you will cope because your son will help you to do so. When I lost my boy I was sent this little letter below it helped me so much and I hope it helps you his love for your will get you through!
The Lord our Creator must have liked your son so much that he called him back so soon, he must have been his favourite! cry and cry a lot to mourn his early departure from this material world but through your teary eyes you must be able to see him smiling at you.
You must be hearing him whispering in your ears, mum you were dear to me but know that I am in a much better place surrounded by immense calm and peace. I am happy mum, please do not cry for me for I couldnāt be more happier. I am being rewarded for all the goodness in me that you had so painstakingly bestowed on me; mum thank you for such a priceless gift. Please mum, do not cry for me but smile for the gift of goodness you gave me has come a long way to comfort me in my eternal life; I am happy mum!
God Bless you and your family
Elainexxx
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Dear Weerach and all on this terrible journey,
Weerach I am so sorry for you loss and that you too are on this site, my son was 34 and had a brain tumour. All the people on here are at different stages of grieving, yet losing a child is the only one that is not in the natural order. It is so so early yet for you but as time unfolds you will begin to cope, let the tears flow and experience the pain, because it is better to experience it rather than shut yourself off. Do you have others around you that will help you try to begin to cope? because that is all we can do, we find mechanisms to cope.
Please write again, I find that writing it down helps.
With love Helen
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Dear Weerachā¦So sad to hear the loss of your sonā¦I lost my son six weeks ago and though he was 43 he was still my childā¦It makes you think what is life about and quite frankly is it worth itā¦I know for all of us who have lost their son or daughter life can never be the same but in our hearts they are always there and will never die.Donāt be ashamed to cry wherever you are it does help.Thinking of you xx