Hi maddie49 yes it is so so hard I am not finding much help with counciling and I need to start coming off the Meds soon. I have a job but just can’t face going back yet .yes I would like to keep in touch with you x
Dear Helen, Maddie, Mirlos,
And so Sunday came and passed. It was a challenging day as the memories all flooded back but it was unbelievable that when we were planting the flowers a rainbow did appear in the grey skies. It brought with a moment of peace and we all liked to think it was our Daniel sending his sign. He always had a thing about rainbows and they have appeared several times in the last year unexpectedly when everything seems so pointless. And so we begin down the second year of life without our boy. It just doesn’t seem possible and the emotions remain as raw as ever but being with good people who understand and being able to write hear and share your journeys brings a little comfort. Life is forever changed but I know now that we must go on somehow living for those young people who had their time cut short so viciously and without reason. Thank you for listening and giving advice. Love as always to each of you. Wynne
Dear Wynne
How wonderful that you saw the rainbow. I’m sure it was a sign from Danielr that you saw.
Their love is always around you. I’m glad it made that day easier, mine is still to come. As you say you, the pain is the still there. I still expect him to come back, even though my conscious mind tells me he will not.
I do manage to find some days he fades from my conscious mind for a while. But never from my heart.
Love to all
Polly
Hello Wynne,
Like Polly said I am so glad you had a rainbow it was Daniel’s way of telling you he’s around and loves you both. And again like Polly Sam is sometimes not at the forefront of my mind especially when I have Stanley my grandson. But like Polly he’s never far away from me and always in my heart just like Daniel with you. My mum who is nearly 84 came to see me today and said last night her phone beeped and Sam’s name came up as if he had called. I told her it was his way of letting her know he is around, because again last night he changed my photo’s of him around to the one of him on the mountain side with a can of lager in his hand when he was on one of his snowboarding trips with his mates!! Like all of us on here our sons and daughters will never leave us, I do believe that our energy and spirit is too strong so they know we need them and look out for us and occasionally they let us know that.
With love Helen
Hello Wynne , we were thinking of you all on Sunday , I’m so glad you had a little bit of joy on such a sad day, most of us who keep in touch have got through the first year , how ever have we done it . I am feeling a little bit sad as we do not seem to be getting any sighns from Dawn now pehaps its because I keep pestering her for something, I bet she is saying for god sake mum give me a bit of peace . some days I feel so angry and frustrated that I cannot see and talk to her she was my rock after all, Take care Maddie x
Hello Maddie,
Sam was my rock too like Dawn to you. Also like Dawn Sam must be saying give it a rest mum. I am so glad that Wynne saw that rainbow, that was definitely Daniel. We get through all of us as best we can. We are all changed but we must go on because of Sam Dawn and Daniel that is what they would expect.
with love Helen
Dear Helen, Maddie, Polly and everyone, The time keeps rolling by and all we seemed to now have our the precious memories of our dearest sons and daughters. Like others on this site seeing a sign we hope from our loved ones brings a moment of happiness. When I talked to friends who have not had our loss they all say it surely must be some kind of connection from Daniel and that is comforting.
Last week on his anniversary of passing I went back to our church for the first time in a year. Although people and the priest were so welcoming I did not feel any great sense of belonging there but just how sad our lives have become. Daniel was not at all religious but he did have spirituality and in his last few days he seemed to become almost translucent and shone despite his pain. I guess we can only wonder about what it all means to endure this suffering of being apart from those we love and what is the purpose. I am pleased to read when others have their signs. Sending love as ever. Wynne
Hello Wynne, you are so right in your post. We are left wondering about what it all means and why. Also how everything we once did, we once knew, we once had has changed completely. The meaning of everything in our world has altered in some way. I know this can happen for people when a major event or loss occurs, but for us loosing our precious children, we are left with a sometimes unbearable existence yet we are surviving. I wonder how I am surviving. At times, I thought the pain would kill me, the pointless everyday tasks would send me insane and significant dates and events made me want to run for the hills. Nothing is the same anymore. As you say, how sad our lives have become. So I am now beginning to accept that life is never ever going to go back to the old life. I know my daughter would not want us to be sad and would be saying get on with life. As difficult as it still is, I am trying to carry on surrounding myself with the people who want to help me bear the pain, bringing some kind of routine, normality and reason to go on.
Sending love and thoughts. X
Dear friends here,
These anniversaries keep on coming don’t they ? Today is Chris’ 38th birthday, his second since his death. Time goes inextricably onwards but it’s so hard to find a meaningful way forward in life. The very clear message I received from Chris on the anniversary of his death in November was ’ Come on Mum I don’t want you to be so sad’ . So today I have decided to enroll on a course which will enable me to volunteer at the oncology unit, and hospice, and also to get a pup !
I was never going to get another dog after our beloved Freddy died shortly after Chris lost his life. Chris was going to get a dog when he completed chemo, but he was never well enough. This little dog therefore will be for him as well as me.
There has been a long time when I wished my life would not go on but I have got to find a way forward for Chris’ sake, and for my lovely daughter, son-in-law, and grandchildren.
It has been interesting hearing the different things you have all been doing, like going away, reading books which give some insight, and Wynne, your return to church, do keep telling us of these, it helps so much.
A good friend said a beautiful thing when I told her about the pup - 'There will be another heartbeat in the room ’
Sending love, Anneka x
It’s three months now since we lost Christian and I feel worse now then I did then…I keep thinking if only we had done this or if we had done that things may have been so different and whatever I think I know I can’t change anything because nothing will bring him back to us…I just miss him so very very much…
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Marina,
Three months is so short a time, of course you are still grieving.
I don’t honestly think I started grieving for many months, I was so numb inside. And all the guilt will surface. But I know one thing Chistain will forgive, wherever he is now. It’s us who can’t forgive ourselves. Although we have all lost a loved one, I honestly believe their essence and their love lives on.
Stay strong everyone, they are still with us in some way.
Love polly
Polly,
You are so right, I know 100% that Sam is with me, our loved ones never leave us. You have summed it up and I can only echo your words, stay strong and look for the signs they leave us. A rainbow for Daniel for instance.
With love
Helen
Hello Anneka
Like you I am trying to find a way forward Sam would expect that of me. He was a very positive person and like you I have another son daughter in law and a grandson Stanley and twin granddaughters who are 8 months. Sam wouldnt want me to wallow in grief so I try every day to do something. This afternoon I’m having the twins so I’ll be so tired after they leave. And holidays keep me going. I know 100% that Sam is here with me and knows how I’m trying. I will do my very best for him and all my family.
We have a cat called Msrmaduke which Sam bought me in April 2013, 3 months after his operation so he is a very special spoilt cat.
With love Helen
Dear Helen, Polly, Anneka and all. A year today was the funeral and it is hard to believe the house was full of family all trying to support us with the terrible tradegy of losing our precious boy. As I look out on the morning skies I wonder where the year has gone, it many ways it has passed so fast and in others so slow. I think the agony of knowing we can never share the laughs, the tears and the everyday moments with him at times just seems too hard to bear. Yes, the piercing pain in the heart has reduced but whole happiness and the innocence of life is now a thing of the past. Looking for signs and memories both sweet and poignant have taken their place. We all wish it could change back to those times when we laughed with full joy but I know they have gone. Being only part alive seems the best I can expect. Wishing you all strength to continue on this hardest of roads. With love Wynne x
Hi Wynne and all
You have survived the first anniversaries. Mine are next month. You are so right, the pain may have lessened, but our lives have changed forever. I don’t feel Chris so near now, and I too are looking for signs. If I could know for certain he was happy wherever he is, I think it would be easier to bear, but we will never know.
I have learnt of a good medium nearme and I may go after next month is over.
Life goes on, b ut there is an empty space in my heart where Chris once was,. I know his love is still with me, but it’s not the same is it…
This website is a good thing as we all find a little bit of comfort from each other.
Love to all
Polly
Hello All,
Pollyanna, the intense pain has lessened for me too but the hurt goes on and I have to live with that, when Sam died a part of me went with him. I did see a medium called Marcus who was absolutely spot on mentioned about his travelling how he went scuba diving and the fact that Ger (Geraint) his brother doesn’t believe,he was being told all this from Sam who was disappointed that Ger wouldn’t believe. He also said about all Sam’s motor skills are back properly (Sam had a stroke on the operating table originally when they took as much of the tumour out as they could) and he was paralysed down the left side, it all returned apart from his fingers in the left hand. The one thing he said that shook me is “he’s really happy where he is it’s beautiful and he can travel wherever he wants and he doesn’t have to pay for it, plus he wouldn’t come back now he’s settled”. Travelling without paying is the kind of thing that Sam would say. So I know that Sam is happy, but he still hears what I say as Marcus said to me talk to him as you would he can hear you.
With love Helen
Hi Helen, Wynne and all, we still seem to be having anniversarys of some sort even now, do you think they will ever settle down? I don’t know whats happening to me at the moment, I just cant to stop weeping , I seems the longer it goes on the worse I am getting , I just don’t seem to be getting any signs from Dawn at the moment when I did it seem to keep me going for a while, Iam so pleased for you Helen that you had something from the medium, didn’t you get the same words of comfort from your other medium , which shows Sam is realy around you , I think I might try again , take care Maddie x
Hello Maddie,
I would definitely try again with the medium Dawn is all around you and those signs can sometimes be very small. Marcus mentioned to me about a box of shells I have…On the bathroom windowsill is a small heart shaped box covered in shells, and he said that Sam knows its there and will use it. He did a couple of days ago when I was really upset, the following morning the box lid was open I know I didn’t do it and I asked John and he said no…what shell box?, so it was definitely Sam to let me know he’s around. Dawn will never leave you of that you can be 100% sure.
With love Helen
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Hello Hello thanks for your words I can certainly use the them at the moment, that is amazing that you had that lovely sign from Sam. The last sign I think we had from Dawn was about the time of her anniversary ,when I came into the lounge at 8 30 in the morning, and on its back was a small pendalam clock we have on the conservatory sill I ask John if he had knocked it over, and he said of course not ,you have a job to evan get to it as we have a coffee table in front of it, so I am convinced that was a sure sign from her, We tried the ouji board at some friends one evening and had absolutely nothing the glass would not move at all , not like last time when we did at Sarahs and we picked up so much Best wishes Maddie
Dear Maddie, Helen, Anneka, Polly and all. And so we start yet another new month, the snow is melting and the days grow longer but the tears continue to flow. Like so many of you I grasp at straws looking for signs and hoping so much to see our boy again. It is lovely to hear the inspiring words of so many of you who have felt the love of their sons and daughters. It is just so hard to comprehend even after a year that they have gone. I know we were blessed to have them in our lives but it just continues to feel that we were robbed too soon. I so much want Daniel to come back. The first thought as I wake and the last thought as I somehow drift off into a fitful sleep is of him and trying to reconstruct the narrative. How to move forward from the continuing loss remains so very hard. Thinking of you all and sending love xxx Wynne