Hello dear friends , last night watched Corrie on tv , and it bought back so many memories losing Dawn , when they showed Abbie the mum crying and falling to the floor , I must admit when Dawn took her last breath I was so calm , all I sad was John I think she has gone . And John and her husband were crying . a nd I was so calm , it was lovely driving home at 3.30 in the morning the moon was out . But Sarah was there at 7 in the morning and it hit me and I haven’t stopped crying since , xxxxx
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Dear Maddie,
Please don’t blame yourself, we all react differently. After Sam had his operation, we were waiting in a small room wondering what was happening, me and John, Mathilda, Geraint and Hannah, Philip my ex husband and his partner. Philip took the call from one of the surgeons. It was a 15 hour operation… Philip looked up and said it’s not good news Sam is paralysed…I stood up and everyone seemed to be receding, fell to the floor and was heaving and weeing at the same time. John rushed over got me up and put his coat around me and took me out, we found the recovery room and Sam was awake, John touched his toes and he moved his foot…John asked him to do that again which he did, John went straight away to find one of the team that had operated who came back in to see Sam and then said to us, we told his Dad the paralysis was temporary!!
Maddie, all I have done today is think and talk to Sam. Somehow I know he is around.
Take care Maddie, and try to be kind to yourself
Love Helen
Dear Maddie and Helen
I find reminders of my daughter in everything. It is all so painful and heartbreaking. I talk to Kathryn all the time, I hope that she can hear me. I spoke to my GP the other day as I have a bald patch on my scalp, 3 cold sores and awful thrush. He said I’m not surprised as you have lost your daughter and grief is not just emotional, it affects you physically as well. Apparently my immune system has gone into overdrive with stress. I am thinking of you both and understand your pain. Sending love Deborah xx
Maddie I just watched that today and broke down, it was very hard to watch and felt exactly like the moment Scotts dad came to tell me as the police had gone to his door. We all react differently and it definitely doesn’t hit you fully at first as it doesn’t seem real.
Spent afternoon looking through old photos, I didnt have many photos of us together because I was single and my other son Euan used to alway cut our heads off but it made me smile to see it x
Anne
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I’m so sorry Deborah
You must be so run down from the heartache and stress of losing your precious girl. It’s just excessive tiredness with me, one day last week I slept most of day and all night.
I hope the doctor was able to help in some way, sending love
Anne xxx
Hi Anne
That is a lovely photo. I still can’t look at any of my beautiful girl, it makes it too real that she has gone and I can’t accept that. Grief affects us in different ways and like you I sometimes feel so exhausted. The inquest is next Thursday and I can’t bear to think about it as it means that my girl is truly gone. It all seems so final, I just want her back and I know that is not possible but I can’t accept the alternative which is that I will never see her again. My GP was not very helpful but my neighbour has recommended some things that I’m going to try. Much love Deborah x
Aww Deborah
I know, its so painful knowing we won’t see them again, hear their voices or put our arms round them.
I miss Scott so much too, take any help you can get, I know I do.
Next Thursday will be difficult, I hope you have support
Thinking of you
Anne xx
Thanks Anne. I crave her voice, she would call me every day and say hey mum, she was always so cheerful. I am broken and not the same person that I used to be. Sending hugs xxx
Drar all,
When we had a knock at the door I just knew when they told us to sit down it was going to be the worst news, I went down on my hands and knees and howled like an animal, maybe as it was such a shock Matt was 22 years of age fit and healthy, if he had been ill then perhaps I wouldn’t have taken the news in this way but the pain is still the same heartbreaking 
beyond belief, however our children were taken from us, Dear Deborah grief certainly does cause your physical health to suffer as 6 months before Matt passed I had been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and put on tablets, then after losing Matt I deteriated very quickly and am on two types of insulin 5 times a day and they can’t get me level, I eat healthy have good BMI , test regularly but they say its the stress, please look after yourself and even try a different GP, Anne I love the photo of you and your lovely boy 
wouldn’t it be lovely if we all lived close and could meet up for a chat and a hug, love to all the brave Moms on this site Michelle xxxx
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.I am feeling so low at the moment , I
Dear Deborah,
I will be thinking of you on Thursday. Such a difficult day for you. I took a photo of Gemma with me to her inquest and the judge said that that was the first time anyone had done that at her inquests. She spent a while looking at it then placed it on the desk. So hard for you but somehow you will find the strength to get through it.
Much love xxx
Dear Anne, thank you for sharing the lovely photo of you and Scott. You can just see how much you loved him and
it brought tears to my eyes. I read this today and thought it was very apt. Much love xxx
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Hi Michelle
I was the same when the police came and told me to sit down, I didn’t and when he told me I screamed and fell to my knees. I’m sorry that your diabetes has got worse. I know that I’m not well as before my daughter passed 5 months ago I was so fit, no ailments no medication but now at 63 I feel a wreck. It would be so lovely if we lived nearer to each other. We should try and all meet up in the summer. I can travel anywhere.
Victoria I’m so glad that you took a pic of your dear Gemma to the inquest. I have attended inquests where the family have had a photo with them and it makes it so much more personal. I wish more people would do that. I never thought that there would come a day when I would be attending an inquest for one of my own children. It will be online, I will not be attending as I know what will be discussed and I cannot bear to hear it. I do not even know my daughters cause of death. I know roughly and the family liaison officer has assured me that it was quick and she wouldn’t have suffered, she was 1st on the scene mere minutes after it happened but even so I have nightmares enough without hearing the details. Her dad, my daughter and my son will be attending.
One day I may be strong enough to know the details. The way I see it is it whatever is revealed its not going to bring her back and it will not fix my broken heart xxx
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Dear Deborah,
I am so sorry your are feeling so low but am not surprised after what you are going through, I will be thinking about you on Thursday hopefully you may get some sort of closure and can move forward with your grief, I have been a bit obsessed with what happened to Matt and have read every detail and all the statements which I know some people just couldn’t do this but I have to know, also he suffered for at 4 hours without pain relief which keeps me awake at night knowing he was asking for me breaks my heart . I feel I am fighting for justice for what happened to Matt and to make sure no other soldiers suffer in this way. Its hard to believe all those Inquests you have been involved in and its understandable you can’t face your own precious daughters inquest, it would be lovely to meet up or perhaps we could do a zoom chat or something, take care my friend always here for you
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Hello all dear friends , Victoria and myself are going to try and organise something soon so we can all meet up . As I know we would so much , to meet with all that would help each other through this awful time in our lives with love maddie xx
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It would be so lovely to all meet up. We should work out where the central point is for us all? I am in Oxfordshire but very happy to travel anywhere and maybe aim for July or August time?
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Hi Both,
I am in Birmingham and don’t mind travelling, when they give us a date for Matt’s inquest it will probably September and May last around 5 days it will be in Oxford so could meet then also Victoria xxx
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I still haven’t got the hang of sharing images! This wasn’t what I was going to share but I love this. It is so true xx
I’ve done it again. I just cannot share things from my gallery. I will get my daughter to sort it tomorrow.
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