Dear all,
We spend our lives now reliving memories of our beautiful children because that is all we have left. We can never move on. We move forward through life because we have to and we take our precious memories with us. For me it is Gemma’s smile, her beautiful red hair and her tenderness to her boys. I try to shut out the memories of her last note to us and the frantic searching for her, the helicopter whirring overhead and the tracker dogs arriving.
I am so proud of all of you, for getting up every (or most) days and living your lives.
Kate I am struck by how painful those last weeks were for you and how you got through it. I know that Maddie had a similar terrible experience and you must have both been so brave.I hope you have a peaceful day and can do something nice. Much love to you dear friends 
Oh Victoria , I can’t even imagine what you went through losing your darling Gemma like that . It must have been devastating ,We have all been through so much,they have all passed away in different circumstances and and we all feel the same .Bitterness ,and angry because we just miss them so much, and have so much love for them. We have finally got a date for my sister in laws funeral after 6 weeks , and it’s next Tuesday and we will not be here we are going to Cornwall Monday , and I feel so sad that I cannot say goodbye to her .Buti don’t think I would of been able to go anyway as it’s the same place we had Dawns , and I know I would not be able to cope with it . Love Maddie xxx
Dear all,
I hardly know where to start after reading all these heartbreaking posts, yes we all have different stories but we all share the same broken hearts 
, Livvy Matt’s girlfriend came yesterday to visit as it was the anniversary of when they first met and she wrote a lovely card sharing how he said he had met his soukmate, then on 14th of May someone shared a video of Matt’s repatriation, of them bringing him back to Brize Norton from Malawi it all seems like a blur now, next it will be 6th of June his funeral, the list never stops with these dates, I feel so sad when I read about all our children and what we all had to endure when they were taken from us 
sometimes when I walk our dog and meet a stranger it’s quiet nice to make small talk about our dogs or the weather but when they start asking questions about my children I feel like running from them, considering what we have all gone through we are all doing so well to get through the day , keep fighting brave Moms and sharing because we are all here for each other and we will never tire of listening and truly understanding how we all feel .
Love to all, Michelle xxxx
Aww Deborah
I’m so sorry, I haven’t had that experience yet but I was trying to fill a form out last week and it said number of children and I just started crying because being a mum of 2 boys was my identity
I’m glad you are getting out and getting your hair done, mine is now at my waist but I did put my red lipstick on for the first time last week and had lunch with some friends…small steps xxx
Dearest Anne, always remember you are still the mother of two boys and that will never change xxx
Dear Anne
I agree with Victoria you are still the mother of two boys and in my heart I still have 3 children. Glad you put on your red lipstick, baby steps. Your hair sounds lovely, not to wash and dry though I expect.
Deborah xx
Oh I can’t believe I am posting this as an hour ago I wanted to give and end it all . We had a lovely meal out with a few friends , and then AImee our granddaughter c ax me round for her birthday present , and it all kicked off . I just can’t believe what she said she got very emotional , and blamed me for her and Sarah feeling so fed up with my response losing DAwn , that I should have moved on by now and I need help. I told her that I have been down that road . So when she left I could not stop crying and told John I had just had enough I don’t want to be here anymore , but he sat with me and talked me out of it .I cannot believe I have sunk so low . I know Dawn would not want me to be like this . Maddie xx
Hang in there Maddie. You are better than that. You must enjoy the rest of your life as Dawn would have wanted you too.
Why are people so cruel. I suppose your granddaughter is young and knows it all! We can’t get over it! Let them walk in our shoes and see how they will ’ get over it’!
You sound an amazing person and hope we can meet sometime.
I too had a meltdown today as I bumped into someone I haven’t seen in years. She was with her sister in law and said straight away that she had just lost her husband. When I tried to say how sorry I was, I couldn’t speak as the tears just flowed and she said, omg has something happened to you? So I had to try and explain in a very squeaky voice and they were both so upset too. Needless to say I was at ground zero for most of the morning. Been so busy this afternoon getting things done at the cottages but I am now drained through grief and physical work.
Maddie, please don’t let family hurt you. Protect yourself from them.
With love, Kate xx
ThZnkyou Kate , life is still so hard still after 4 years , I just don’t know how to move on without Dawn Have tried some hard we have do ne so much with our lives , but the pain of losing Dawn is so hard Aimee has just rang to ask if we are alright and J ohm being John said we are alright . That’s a mans response , I told him I’m am not alright He said so what should I have said ? Maddie xxx
I know love. I said to Alan that I was very upset today after a chance meeting with Betty. He said I know it’s so hard. He had been in the Deli and I was outside but the owner had seen me have a meltdown and had no doubt told him. Anyway, he did understand and he is in pain as well.
It’s not easy that’s for sure.
We will be OK, won’t we??
Love to you.
Kate xxx
Hi all
I really don’t know how we are are still breathing after the pain and sorrow that we have endured. Nobody knows the heartache but us of losing our precious children. Please hang on in there, we are all here for each other and our children would want us to wake up and put one foot in front of the other each day and try and find some joy in our lives. Please keep posting if you are struggling, I know the feeling, I literally want to die each day but my daughter would be cross with me if I did that. I really don’t know where my strength comes from to get out of bed each day but I do.
Deborah xxx
Hi Maddie
Felt upset reading that, no one knows the pain you are feeling and that includes your grandaughter, she doesn’t understand but how hurtful.
You are doing the best you can just to get up and function each day without your Dawn, it’s not something you can ‘move on’ from. It’s life changing.
I’m so sorry you are not getting more support. I dont have a big family only a brother and my son Euan. My friends have been my main support. I dont think they judge you as much.
I hope you get a sleep and feel more positive in the morning, we all understand.
Anne xxx
Thankyou so much all dear friends , life can be such an effort , and I know all of you are struggling . We all do our best to get through each day , but some are worse than others . Whe n we are doing well , it doesn’t take much to knock you back to square one . Through some hurtful words .love maddie xx
Dear friends
I’m sorry to say I’ve been reading posts infrequently- I’ve tried to catch up and I’m overwhelmed again by all the pain everyone is dealing with…
But there is also a theme of strength. Somehow everyone is still getting through. What an amazing group of people you all are. 
I’ve found gardening to be so therapeutic and I see others are getting some enjoyment from that too.
My own grief seems to have shifted slightly- I’ve accepted Henry’s passing and I’m so sure he’s safe and waiting for me. Not to say the pain has gone but it stops for much longer periods.
We’re all so changed by what’s happened- every day is incredibly important and focussing on the living is helpful to them as well as us.
I’m sending you all love and hugs.
Purple x
Dear Purple, it is lovely to hear from you and with such a lovely message of hope which is so uplifting.
I understand when you say that the pain stops for longer periods as I also experience that too now and I also have come to a place of peace. Also focusing on the living helps me too because as someone said, they are worth living for. Much love to you xxx
Thanks Victoria.
Everyone is so kind trying hard to continue with their new lives whilst supporting others.
Glad to hear the pain is changing for you too. I suppose it has to or we would buckle under the weight.
I don’t know how helpful this is to others but if you write down the names of everyone you love, including lost loved ones and then give each person a few minutes- thinking why you love them - then the people who have passed don’t become more than the people still here.
Understandably our grief pushes our lost loved ones to the top of the list and they consume more of us than those still here. It’s taken me 18 months to devise this strategy to cope better.
Warmest wishes
Purple x
Hi dear Helen,
Every day my pain gets worse. The fact that my beloved daughter had no signs or symptoms confuses me even more. I keep asking myself why God didn’t give me the chance to do something for her, but on the other hand when I realize she lived fully and joyfully without even knowing she had a problem I think she was blessed. Despite the endless love of my son and grandson there are many moments where I wish to be dead so that I could see her beautiful face once again. Your dear son and my daughter were beautiful souls, angels who lived bravely. My Golnaz never complained of her headaches, and she brought love, joy and peace wherever she was. 86 days of deep pain and I don’t know if I could keep surviving
Love
Firouzeh
Dear Purple,
You have explained that strategy so well and I am trying to live by it, I like everyone else couldn’t care less if I were to not wake up tomorrow because I don’t value my own life at all but like you say and others say that those we love dearly really do need us, my two daughters both struggle with anxiety and my lovely husband who is my best friend and my dad would be completely broken so I now live my life for them I know its not a whole life but that changed the day I lost my precious Matt most days I visit Matt’s grave I take a coffee light his lantern and tend to the plants and it does give me a sence of purpose like he needs me to do this it just helps
Keep fighting everyone and be kind to yourselves
Big love Michelle xxxx
Dear Michelle
It is whatever gets us through each day, but finding that thing is sometimes so difficult. I do care that I wake up each day as I know the pain of loss and as you say, I don’t want others to feel that just yet anyway.
I wish I could go to the grave, I admire you for that. I suppose that having the faith that I will see Henry again but when it’s my time to do so if what keeps me soldiering on. what else can we do?
Henry’s death was so unexpected that I never got chance to say all those things we think of, but I say them now to him, and I know he hears me. He knew he was loved and is still loved by so many, that won’t change.
Peace comes to us all in the end.
Big hugs and love
Purple