Hello Victoria , such beautiful words , I am sure that’s how we are all feeling.until we meet our beautiful children in heaven We are in Cornwall at the moment , it’s been a funny week , we left on Monday , Sarah ease t talking to us , I have tried to text showing the beautiful view from our lovely caravan . She did text back eventually , but we are a million miles apart , I don’t think we will ever be the same again. . But I suppose I will have to exspect that now . Don’t want to go home Saturday , as don’t seem anything to go home for .Sorry to be so depressing. Maddie xx
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Dearest Maddie, I’m sure Sarah will come round. As I told you, Tiffany and I went through a difficult phase and now we are closer than ever and I think I understand her better. When we suffer such a huge loss we all grieve differently and are at different stages at different times and I think that’s where we run into problems. Just give her time.
Only two weeks until our holiday and I am so looking forward to seeing you both. Stay the night if you like? It would be so lovely xxx
Hello Maddie,
Victoria is right, you know only too well what Geraint was like aftr he lost his brother (Ger was more like a dad to Sam really) and it was me that took the brunt of it all, just like you with Sarah. Al I can say is I didn’t keep trying with Geraint it broke my heart but I completely left him alone never bothered him when he had that massive wobbler with me and my friend Dee about the twins…it took over 6 months and it was on Christmas I had a text from Hannah his wife and Geraint to ask if me and John would like to call up for a drink. John said yes we’d love to and went up. Hannah was chatting in the front room to us and the kids were running around. Eventually Ger came in the room…very nervous, subdued almost and started a stilted conversation, he was on the back foot eventually it went off OK and we laughed and joked. But boy was it hard throughout that time but I think he learnt a valuable lesson that I was not going to be treated or spoken to like that. Later he asked me if I woul have the twins 1 day a week, (this was before lockdown) but he didn’t want Dee calling in while I had them…so I said no I wouldn’t do that to Dee she is my best friend. He said I understand mum I’m sorry I asked!! What a difference.
Maddie you’re not depressing, I know only too well where you are coming from. But the more you give the more someone will take!! Be very kind to yourself and John you’ve both had a crap time
love
Helenxx
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Victoria
Those words are beautiful and I hope you don’t mind I’ve copied them for when it is Sam’s birthday they say all what I would like to say.
Thank you
Love
Helenxx
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Thankyou Victoria ,Helen you hHave made me feel so much better,as it’s so hard trying to understand the ones closet to us can be so cruel . Helen I envy you your lovely friends you have. The only one I have is my lovely sister in law , as she has lost a Husband and Grandchild and she has been wonderful. Otherwise all our friends just act like nothing has happened. , especially after 4years they think we should be over it .Anyway last day in Cornwall today , and it has been a nice been a nice break. We will have see if Sarah comes round with a card for her fathers birthday on Monday . Take care everyone Maddie xx
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Hello Victoria
Those words are so uplifting.
Strangely I just had a wobble 
sat down to drink some water and then logged onto the site.
You’ve saved me today. Thank you 
Hugs
Purple xx
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Hello came back from a Cornwall in a better frame of mind yesterday , after having a nice break ,and thinking I might be making up with Sarah , as she had text a couple of times this week .So I thought she would be popping in her Fathers birthday card tomorrow , I though wrong she has just text and said she will give the card to Aimee, I am so mad I have got steam coming out my ears . So that’s it I am not texting her anymore , Helen and Victoria you were so right what you said the other day . If it had of been my card I would of told her to stick it . At least Jack rang last night he ennded up on tv welcoming the first BA jet into Southampton airport . So proud of him . Maddie xxxx
Hi Maddie
People are so thoughtless, it’s heartbreaking enough losing our children without all this further upset. I have been in my garage the last couple of hours sorting out some of my daughters things. I came across a box with presents in it, one was a Xmas decoration with the words for a special mum on it. My heart broke all over again she was clearly going to give it to me last Xmas. I can’t stop crying. It is so unfair, she should be here 
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Dear Deborah and Maddie,
I am not surprised you were cross, Maddie. I would be too. Unless Sarah is going through a very bad time herself. But no excuse really. So difficult to know how to handle her.
Deborah, it is the hardest thing to go through their things but how lovely that Kathryn bought you such a special gift. I have a big trunk full of Gemma’s that I can’t even look at or sort out so you are very brave, Also a huge box of her Christmas decorations that Bill had only recently put back in her loft for her. So difficult 
.
It feels as though there is always something around the corner waiting to trip us up. I was tearful this morning and asked Gemma for a sign. I had to pop out and was running late then when I switched the car radio on, they were talking about badgers. I helped Gems unblock a badger sett just a few weeks before she went. So that did make me smile. Much love to you all xxx
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Hi Deborah, Thankyou , it’s funny we pine for the Daughter we lost , but can’t get on with the family we have .I know it is so hard when we come across the cards they left behind and presents , tomorrow we will put one of Dawns cards she sent to her dad before passed , and it reads Thankyou for being a wonderful Dad and helping me through all my my bad times , . How are we suppose to cope with that … Sending love Maddie xx
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It is so unfair. I often ask ‘why our beautiful girl?’ Maybe we need to look at the joy they brought us in life, rather than the pain we are left with. I keep trying and I find myself laughing at some of Lisa’s antics. She was such fun.
With love,
Kate xxx
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Yes Kate I know you are right we have had many a time in the last 4years since she has passed where we have smiled and laughed , the did she did when she was young , especially when she used to get a tremble on when opening her Xmas presents . I just feel so low because Sarah is being so hard xxx
I really feel for you Maddie. I saw my son and grandchildren yesterday which was lovely. As I live by the sea and it was such a lovely sunny day we went for a meal and then down to the beach, the children (12 &14!) wanted to go on the rides and the amusements in Hastings. I live in Bexhill which is much quieter, my daughter used to call it gods waiting room! Spent a fortune, so did my son. My daughter would have loved it. She was so close to my sons children, she didn’t have any of her own so they were like her own children to her. I have changed my will and instead of my daughter and son sharing my daughters share I have left some of it to each of my grandchildren so they will get £50,000 each. My daughter would be happy with that decision. My son is self sufficient so I have left him just £10000,00. He’s just bought a £45, 000 tesla car so he doesn’t need the money. It was quite exhilarating going for a drive in it yesterday, I laughed yesterday for the first time in ages. I have left the bulk of my estate to my youngest daughter as she needs it more than my son. My son is totally in agreement with this arrangement. It was so nice not to have an argument about it, I was worried but my son said, mum I would not cause any upset by arguing over money. Its yours do what you want with it. It was a weight off my mind. Its not that I am thinking of going anywhere although it has crossed my mind about a hundred times a day but I just wanted to do what my daughter would have wanted. Sorry to ramble on, the little Xmas decoration has really thrown me and I am now on my second (strong) gin and tonic. I’m sure my daughter is saying to me now, mother pull yourself together its all just material things that are not needed on the other side. PS my shit of a husband who has now collected all his things from the house has now blocked my number! Thirteen years together, the cheek of him xx
Oh Deborah , that is so strange you talking about changing your will and leaving it to the grandchildren, that’s exactly i what I discuss with my husband today I have been so mad with Sarah , that I said legts change our will and leave it all to the grandchildren. Sorry about your husband being pig . Enjoy your gin xxxx
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Dear Deborah, it is good to get wills sorted and glad it was so easy for you. We should do that too but keep putting it off. It sounds as though your husband didn’t deserve you so good riddance although I know it isn’t that easy. I read somewhere once that we are conditioned to only remember the good times when a marriage breaks up and that is what I did so I forced myself to remember all the times he was horrible 
!
I’m so proud of you for beginning to enjoy life a bit 
.
Hi
Maddie isn’t it strange that your will was on your mind too. I hope if you do change it you won’t have any argument or strife. It is a personal thing and you should be able to do what you want with your assets without causing offence to anyone.
Victoria I haven’t managed as yet to remember anything nice that my husband did for me the negative is far outweighing the positive. I feel sorry already for anyone else that he meets 
Enjoy the sun today ladies (if you have any) 
xx
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Hi all dear friends. Just got through an awful meltdown.
We never know when they will take us but this afternoon walking the dogs I bumped into an elderly lady who walks her lab. Her daughter and son in law used to rent our cottage when they came to visit before her husband passed.
Anyway, I should explain I had met the daughter and son in law about 10 days ago as the lady was 80 and they were having a celebration and after a few niceties they asked about our family. So I had to tell them about Lisa. They in turn told their Mum and therefore today Mum asked me about Lisa. I was completely knocked sideways as I had not expected that. I tried to speak but couldn’t, I just stood holding on to the fence to steady myself. It was awful. The poor woman was so upset that she had upset me but I just waved her as if to say I’m OK.
So, tonight I have cried and cried. Sat on our doorstep with a glass of wine and cried and sobbed till I felt completely drained. Alan is so upset to see me this way but I said I can’t explain the pain I feel as a mother! It’s too deep, too complex to try to put into words…
I am so tired now I feel exhausted.
Sorry to bring a negative vibe but just glad you are all here.
Love to all. Kate xx
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Hi Kate
I totally emphasise with how you feel. Talking about our precious children is a stab to the heart. We will never accept the loss. Sending love and hugs xxx
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Thankyou for picking up. Means so much when we need to offload.
Lots of love to you.
Kate xx
Dear Kate,
I am so sorry this has happened to you, sometimes you seem to be coping and everyone probably says how well you are doing then boom! The biggest wave comes along and engulfs you , you are also facing many anniversaries and that also makes you more vulnerable, sometimes its a good thing to have a good cry like a release for all that you are holding inside and sometimes it just needs to come out, have another glass of wine and be kind to yourself, your darling girl is with you always , take care big love 
Michelle xxxx
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