Hello Polly and everyone, I am so pleased to know you had a sign from Christian it does help bring a small bit of peace. The days get longer now and I wonder how you all are copying especially when the weather has returned to the cold again. Daniel continues to be on my mind night and day. I have started dreaming about him again too. I really wish we could find some answers but it all seems a continuous trudge of tears and putting one step in front of the other. I love to hear the names of our sons and daughters it seems to keep them alive and close to us. Sending love xxx
Hello all, I am realy convinced that I had a sign from Dawn on mothers day , as I was sitting having a quiet cup of coffee with husband, I looked over at Dawn photo and told her how much I missed her coming round with a card today, so please could she send a sign instead, about 20mins later we both heard music and could work out where it was coming from , then realised it was coming from my mobile phone the alarm was on but it was not set and never has been, even my husband is convinced as we have had too many signs in the past,so like you Polly and everyone who has had something from our sons and daughters it does give you a small bit of peace to know they are looking down on us . Hugs to you all xx
I found Mothers Day a difficult and extremely upsetting day it brought back so many happy memories, which are now so very sad to think of so there as been many tears this weekā¦I try and imagine Christian being here with us and I can but it seems so strange and in the distance as if it never was and that gets me so upsetā¦We talk of Chris as much as we can in the present tense and not the past tense and that helps but nothing can take away the pain and grief ā¦It helps also to be able to come here and talk about it knowing that we have all suffered the same and we can be of help to one anotherā¦xxx.
Dear Marina, Maddie, Helen and everyone else,
Yes, these special days bring with them so much pain and emphasise the lost that we all feel. I keep looking for white feathers and want to keep Daniel alive not only in my heart and mind but in others so that he is not forgotten. We were so lucky to have our sons and daughters in our lives but it was just too short. The wrong way round and all of us would give up our life to have them here again. How are we going to keep going? This new way of life is just too painful and exhausting. As always holding you all in my heart. Wynne
Hello All,
I have just returned from Cape Town, and whilst there attended a champagne reception at the top of Table Mountain. I went to the wall where you could look over and toasted Sam telling him āI love youā straight away came back ālove you tooā in my head which is how Sam always said it and it was his voice, I said if youāre here Sam let me know, and the next day a feather came in the patio door of our room John watched it float inā¦I know that was Sam and he also keeps letting my mum know heās about by his name coming up on her phone no number just his name. He also pushed my photo of me and him off my table back at home, there was no reason for it too fall. So heās more than likely telling me get on youāre on the right track and I had the feeling he was happy with me I could feel him all around me whilst away. I told a few people on the trip and there was a lovely couple from Exeter who had lost their daughter Holly 2 years previous, she had a heart problem, they fitted the wrong valve and she died a few days laterā¦they were trying to enjoy themselves too, but like they said it always has a ring of sadness around it, I think to a degree they are right, there were moments of profound sadness too like when we got to the top of the mountain, there were people abseiling off the side, first thing John said was that would be Sam. He was right that would be Sam, when I mentioned about Samās antics whilst he was aliveā¦they couldnāt believe his courage, I am very very proud of him he showed us whilst alive how to deal with our grief and I will give it my very very best shot to do him proud.
with love Helen
Hi Helen, what a wonderful experience you have had with Sam , and that he was with you both all the way, it just makes you feel so much better to know that they are around , and looking down on us and they are happy thatās all we can wish for. I am quite certain , Dawn wished me happy mothers day , when my mobile started playing music when I had just told her how much I would miss her coming round with a card that day, so could she send me a sign instead and 20mins Iām sure she did . Oh Helen lets hope they keep on sending us little signs, until we see them again Hugs to you Maddie x
Hi Maddie
Youāre right it is so lovely and you can keep going for another period of time. I know Sam is all around me of that I am 100% certain as Dawn is with you, thatās why she did what she did with your mobile I always talk out loud to Sam so that he can hear me.
with love Helen
Dear Helen, Maddie and all, So pleased that you felt Sam around you. As another holiday looms ahead it feels like another ordeal to get through without family time with those we cherish most. Time is such a weird concept and so often it feels that Daniel has only been gone a few moments and then I realise it is now over a year but the pain never seems to decrease. At times feels it just intensifies and every cell of my body just yearns to hear his voice, his smell and to touch him. It is good to hear when others have moments when they experience their sons and daughters. It gives a few crumbs of happiness but of course just not enough. We are told to just keep putting that foot forward but to be honest it is not getting any easier. Friends and other members of the family I fell have moved on but for us time stands still. I truly wish and hope with all my heart that we see our children again. Love to all Wynne x
Hello Wynne, you are right, each holiday and significant date are so difficult, much worse than the everyday pain we feel. It makes us just want to hide away from everything and everybody, we just want to simply get through. We will be with our small family this weekend. I understand your description of the concept of time, it doesnāt seem two and half years ago that I last saw my daughter. It could be that we think about her so much all of the time that it doesnāt seem so long ago in time. I have been coping better since Christmas but it will be her birthday soon, so Iāll be back in the depths.
A great friend of mine lost her son 25 years ago in an accident. She told me after the first anniversary that the second year is very difficult. When you think youāve past all the first anniversaries and nothing can be any harder, the full reality hits. I did feel that throughout the second year. I would like to share this quote
Grief is the last act of love
we have to give to those
we loved. Where there is deep
grief, there was deep love.
XX
Dear Wynne,
So sorry to hear about your son and my heart goes out to you.
My daughter died suddenly 8 weeks ago aged 42 and the pain is indescribable.
All I can say is that some days I canāt stop crying and I feel as though I just want to die but then I will have a much calmer day.
People say that you gradually get many more calmer, peaceful days as time goes on.
Be kind to yourself, try not to shut yourself away too much and try not to plan too much. We will both get through.
Sending you lots of love and hugs.
Daryl x
Dear Allā¦I hope and I deeply pray that I have been having signs from Christian, there was the daffodil for Motherās day, then on another day I opened my laptop and I saw that this tiny thumbprint photo had appeared overnight, I could tell from the outline it was Chris and when I opened it up it was a photo I had never seen before but obviously it must have been one taken a couple of years ago but it was the look on his face as if to say(now do you believe) I have asked my husband and elder son if they had put it there but neither of them had and no one else touches this laptop. Christian was a computer bod so Iāve always thought if Christian tried to get in touch with me it would be through the computerā¦I so want to believe but always being a cynical person black is black and white is white Iām afraid to, but if Christian is sending me signs I donāt want to betray him in not believing ā¦With love to you allā¦Marina xxx
Dear Marina, Helen, Daryl and all others. Easter has come and passed. I decided to go to church to see if it would help but to be honest seeing all the smiling faces singing ā Alleluiaā and praising made me just feel worse and left me thinking that this God must be so unfeeling and asking again and again, why are we suffering like this? Taking our children before their time just does not make sense and I know many of us would have given our lives for them to survive. It is heart warming to hear that many people feel their sons and daughters giving them little signs which does offer us those crumbs of hope that there is more than just our time on this earth. How to keep getting up every day and facing our changed world remain such a struggle and I do welcome any advice. Sending love. Wynne
Hello Wynne and All
This is the hardest ting we will ever go through, but go through it we must. If we have other children we have to keep going for them but above all we have to keep trying for the children we have lost. Yes like you Wynne I have asked the question about God, but found no real answer so as I know that Sam is all around me and would be so hurt and angry if I decided to just give up and mope around all day that I cannot do that to him whether in life or deathā¦I do get my moments and find that I cannot cope and that is when I find Sam in my mind urging meā¦get up get going. If he was getting annoyed with me after he had had his operation and he thought I was fussing when he answered the phone it wasā¦ MOTHERrrrrā¦and I hear that every time when I get down in my head so it brings me up short and I try againā¦
with love to all Helen
Hello Helen Wynne and others, some days is so hard to keep going ,but keep going we must what choice do we have? I donāt know about you when I go to bed I have to shut Dawn out other wise I would lie there all night as little things keep creeping in the last few days and telling myself I should of done this and I wish I had done that . I know we have all tortured our selves, but it is so very very hard, the dull ache in my heart will be there forever I know, I think I could cry all day if I let myself . hugs to you all. Maddie . x
Hi Wynne I know it is so difficult but I do have a Christian faith and have thought the same as you.
But I have read that we never know what might have been round the corner for our beautiful children and I have no doubt we will see them again.
My daughter took her own life, leaving her beloved boys aged 21 and 8 years old. She had separated from her husband (her decision) 3 years previously and he had met somebody else 2 years ago. This lady is now Charlieās stepmum and apart from my daughter, you could not meet a more loving person to be there for him. I really believe she was put in my son in laws life for a reason. Of course I wish with all my heart that none of this had happened and miss my daughter every single day but I am trying hard not to let it overwhelm me for the sake of my husband, 2 other children and my grandsons. My other grandson has also been able to have the most beautiful flat to live in, just around the corner from us so I try to count what ever blessings I can.
I still have very bad days but tell myself that tomorrow I will be feeling better.
Lots of love to you, Marina and Helen. xxx
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Dear Wynne and everyoneā¦Yes our world has changed and at the moment it seems like a very cruel world with tears and sadness being itās core and we cannot do anything at all to change itā¦there as been many times in this last few months I felt I can not cope with it any longer but there is no other option we have to carry on and be thankful for the time we had in our sonās and daughters lives, cherish them and their memories forever that can never dieā¦When Christian died part of me went with him but he will always remain a massive part in our lives foreverā¦LOVE NEVER DIES .With love to allā¦ Marina xxx
When my daughter died in February her beautiful son, aged 8, helped me to see things differently.
He said āGrandma lots of people were sad today. But me ā¦ I was very sad and cried for two days but now I am just thankful that I had mummy for 8 yearsā.
He is my hero. Love to you all. xx
Dear Victoria, Marina, Helen and others. I have re-read so many of the kind words and advice on this web site and I think you are so right to say that ālove never diesā and also the wise words from a little boy who said he was so thankful to have his mummy in his life even though it was short. I guess though it is hard when we are so much in the minority and other family members and friends have no idea what pain we suffer on a daily basis. The many tears we continue to weep, the countless hours lying awake trying to rewrite the past. Wishing we could have just one more minute with our precious sons and daughters. We fill our time with distractions but in the quietness of the night the gulf of overwhelming grief continues to suck me down and spin me round. Why, why, why. Did it have to happen, what was the point and how do we continue to keep going forward. Sending love to you all. Wynne
Hi Wynne, your post sums up our situation so well. It is difficult for others to understand our predicament, they can only imagine and most are genuine in supporting us in one way or another. They move on and we donāt seem to be able to. I have tried to keep my mind on all the love, joy, happiness, achievements and proud moments as much as possible, but all that takes some doing when it reminds us of how much more could have been and wonder why?? As you say, its all overwhelming. Our children are the focus of our thoughts throughout everything we do. As you describe, during the night, the depth of our despair really takes hold. Our minds and thoughts spiral until we are completely consumed.
I wonder sometimes how Iāve survived the night but get up next day and try to carry on with an often slightly better mind. I just seem to have a little push which is enough to change my thoughts and start another day. Itās often back to one day at a time.
Hugs to you Christine x
Dear Wynne and Christine, I so wish I could take your pain away and mine with it. I too am trying to live one day at a time but sometimes just feel paralysed and unable to move forward. I think if Gemma all the time ā¦ she took her own life and the guilt will never leave me. There were 300 people at her funeral service she had so many loving family and friends and I just keep asking myself āwhy?ā over and over again. She was so beautiful, creative and so very much loved. x