Dear Wynne…I ask myself that question so many times… Why,why and selfishly why my Son what did we do wrong, there is no answer and there never will be…Little things upset me,we can be driving down a road and I’m in tears because Christian will never drive down that road again…things which are happening in the family he will never know about and he should it’s his family… I just can’t get my head around it all and find it impossible to think I will never see him again …With Love Marina xxx
Dear Wynne and Marina,
I find that I am not able to do anything nice, anything that makes me happy or treat myself even to my favourite coffee because I feel so guilty that Gemma can no longer do these things.
I wonder if anyone else has felt like this? xxx
Hi VictoriaP, yes I feel this way about many things. I didn’t want to buy new clothes for a long time as my daughter wouldn’t be able to do this, something she loved. I had to eventually as I needed things. I don’t feel comfortable getting dressed in nice clothes to go out (don’t go out much) as she can never do this. Listening to music she loved, getting together with family, going out with friends, even watching TV. She always watched the soaps. Booking a holiday. Nothing feels right! We feel guilty because we haven’t been able to stop this happening to our children. As parents we feel we should have been able to protect them.
Love to Alex
Dear Marina, HElen, Victoria and all other mums and dads, I know exactly what you mean when we have new experiences like a little holiday, a journey or even a new film or see a news item. Knowing that our boy will never share these and we can never discuss what he would of thought of even trivial things like Harry and Meghan’s wedding seems so cruel. Daniel was a peace loving young man and was always thoughtful to everyone he met. The world is going on without him and it just feels so pointless. Wanting to share the little things are the hardest - his favourite meal or even white chocolate egg at Easter time brings so many tears. Trying to find hope remains the hardest thing and as each passing day it just does not seem to get any easier. I do envy so much others who have not known this heart wrenching pain but I know that is not a good emotion and so the mask is painted on every day … sending love
Wynne
Hello Wynne, Marina, Victoria and all on this journey,
I too find little things get to me like Wynne said trivial things. I too like you all miss Sam so much he was not just my son but my best friend. We did all sorts together, and I am so proud of him and what he achieved in his short life. Grief is normal if it’s the right order but like you all this is not the order they should be seeing us out of this World. That said…and I know this is going to sound strange but in some little way it helps me to know that Sam will be waiting there to take me through that door so I know I have no fear of what is before me. I try my level best not always succeeding to live how he would want me to…be brave and carry on. My face does not always show my grief and like Wynne I knuckle down and carry on as it’s the only thing available to us. I have my good days and I have my bad…but I consider myself lucky to have had Sam in my life for 34 years…and I try to make him proud to carry on as he would expect and help others as he did.
With love to you all
Helen
Please remember love is way too strong a bond to be broken by death
Love Helen
To Helen, Wynne and everyone…The last time I saw Christian was exactly Nineteen weeks and one day ago,he was wearing his favourite hat a brown woolly one with a big pom pom it now sits on my bedside table and I hold it close to me when I speak to him every morning and every evening I feel it as some physical contact…Part of me went with him when he died so I will never fully be the same person again…But I am so grateful he was ours and in our lives even though it wasn’t forever…With love Marina xx…
Hello Marina
I too like you have some physical things of Sam’s here in the house and his most favourite items of clothes and his phone I have boxed up and put away. Like you Marina I am so glad that Sam was in my life. My daughter in law said the day Sam died a part of his brother died too. And yes a part of me went with Sam. I am very grateful that Sam was here at home with me, and as he slipped into a coma I said “I love you Sam” and as he always did said “love you too”, it was very faint but audible and I treasure those words.
With love Helen
Dear all,
I too have my bad days when I am full of regret for things unsaid or undone. I wish I had said I love you more often, or talked about what I knew was to come, but Chris was still hoping and I didn’t want to take that away from him. I was somehow till expecting him to come back. But one day, I heard in my head as plain as day Chris saying “stop waiting and get on with your life mum”. So I am trying to do just that. I have been slopping about indoors too much, but I have a constant reminder now.
We have two Robin’s in our garden, and if I am sitting my lounge just doing nothing, the smaller Robin’s sits on the fence looking at me constantly. I am sure that it’s somehow Chris reminding me to get up and do things. It brings me comfort, that it could be a sign from Chris.
So I am trying to lose weight and get myself fit again, and maybe resume some normality in my life. I am retired, but I may get some voluntary work to fill my time.
I am. Lucky to have a good group of friends who have been supportive, even though they can’t possibly know what I am going through. Except two, who Lost her husband about five years ago, and my other friend who has suffered a double loss. Her husband and daughter within five months. I feel humbled in the way she is coping with her horrendous losses.
I try to feel grateful for all I still have, and I know that Chris is safe and happy where he is, and yes, love never dies.
Love and strength to you all
Polly
Dear All,
I was so moved by your latest post, Polly. Gemma’s circumstances were different in that she took her own life and so left us with no warning. I had told her I loved her the day before but am still wishing I had said more to her.
You are right when you say that friends are supportive but it is hard for them to really understand the deep pain and sadness that we feel.
We have our grandson who is 8 staying with us at the moment and I see Gemma in him every day which gives me a little peace and he wants to talk about her which is good but also painful for me. But if I sometimes get tearful I just explain that I am feeling a little sad and we then go on to do something nice and lift the mood. When Charlie is not around I am tearful a lot and wonder how others are the same and how they deal with it.
Much love to you all xx
Hello Victoria and Polly
However we lose our sons or daughters it is the hardest thing we will ever go through because it is not the right order, the tears will fall but as time goes by perhaps not so often and you can see a little more clearly. I had Sam at home here until he died with all the family and his very best friend with him.
He did not want to go to a hospital he was initially told in Jan 2013 after the operation to remove as much of the brain tumour as they could, that he would probably not live a natural lifespan but he would have a life…the Consultant’s words he said OK don’t want to know anymore and he carried on 24 days after his operation and overcoming paralysis down the left side (he had a stroke on the operating table) he walked on to a plane to go home to his wife in Sweden where he was initially living, they then came back here. He had a life they went travelling everywhere walked up Mount Snowden to raise money for Macmillan, so I am so proud. And like you Polly I try very hard every day to keep going. Initially to try and focus I joined a zumba gold (it’s for the over 55’s) it’s keeps me fit and in the beginning I thought only on the moves for 45 minutes so it was a release for me. As I have always said I know Sam is around me and I know he’s happy where he is I saw a brilliant medium Marcus who knew nothing about me but told me everything about Sam and what Sam was telling him to tell me. That is how I know that Sam will be waiting for me when it is my turn.
With love Helen
So comforting, Helen, thank you. I have felt Gemma close to me. I did ask her to send me a sign that she could hear me and that she was happy and peaceful and I believe she sent me a very strong one … she immediately showed me where to find a card with a very special meaning which was amazing.
We just have have to trust that we will see our precious children again when it is our turn.
xxx
Hello Helen,Wynne and everyone , haven’t had any signs from Dawn lately, we have been decorating so we have been keeping ourselves realy busy but I feel so frustrated not being able to see or talk to Dawn , I am getting more and more bad tempered and haven’t any patience, everyone keeps asking whats wrong, oh I feel like saying well pehaps its because we lost our daughter 16months ago. Its nearly time as well to disrupt Dawn from her resting place to take a few of her ashes to Florida which I am dreading , but that is what she wanted. MADDIE X
Hello Maddie
I was told that someone’s tolerance level hits the floor when something this traumatic happens to them, it makes you realise someone moaning about inconsequential things is so completely unimportant. I had to go to the doctor’s recently and my appointment was 4:40 by 5:20 I hadn’t been seen but I asked at the reception desk had I used the automatic machine to tell reception I had arrived correctly, she said yes but the Dr has had an emergency so I sat back down no problem. The woman next to me said "did I hear you say your appointment was 4:40 I said yes…she replied isn’t it disgusting waiting this length of time…whoa…I turned to her and said my son has recently died of a brain tumour and the treatment and care he received was second to none so no I have no problem waiting and it’s not disgusting…disgusting is having to make sure you have enough money to see the Dr!! or wasting the Dr’s time with a cold which you may be doing!! so like you my tolerance level is below zero…needless to say I moved chairs!
With love Helen
Same thing happened to me,someone who I know said “Your quiet” I could have exploded instead I said…" I think I have every reason to be quiet I have just lost my son"…If only some people would stop to think…
Well said, Marina. Hopefully they will think a little more carefully in future. Why is life so hard for us?
xx
Dear Victorica, Maddie and Marina. The weather has been so beautiful today and all I wanted to do was to share it with our lovely boy, Daniel. He so much loved the sunshine and it seemed to me that I could hear him saying go on mum go out and enjoy the warmth. It seems somehow not right to enjoy these little moments when his life has been cut so short. I would give my life for him every time so that he was here instead of me. We will never know what he would have achieved or the family he would have had. Instead we are left with this huge hole which is so hard to fill. The pain and the strain of the little things remain the hardest. You are right when you say you want to scream at others when you feel unable to respond positively and be upbeat. It feels like all my insides are constantly churning but on the outside I try to remain calm. Why, why, why. Sending hugs to all Wynne
Hi Wynne and everyone…I love the early mornings so peaceful and quiet and today like I have done many mornings in the past I decided to walk down into the village where we live, but today was so different as I was walking down the hill there was so many various memories of Christian I literally was in tears all the way down…I knew summer was going to be a difficult time for like your Daniel, Christian loved the summer he seemed to be on autopilot everything had to be done at breakneck speed…I miss so very much…Its difficult to think this time last year we were so happy…
Love to all on this forum…Marina xx
Dear Wynne, Marina and all,
I too felt so sad yesterday that in desperation I phoned the Samaritans (can’t even believe I am telling you this!) I spoke to a lovely Irish lady who calmed me down and said ‘us mothers and grannies have to carry on for everyone else. We can’t just give up’ and she is right but it feels so hard.
I hope you are feeling peaceful tonight and can sleep well.
Much love xxx
Hello Wynne Helen, Marina and all,
Its so strange how we long for the better weather and longer days so not to make us so depressed.But it doesn’t seem to work. And think of our wonderful daughters and sons who are not here to enjoy it with us.,and feel so sorry for them,Lets hope they are in a better place and they are happy. which I am sure they are ,from the little signs they send us.Love to all Maddie xx