Good morning all,
I am so glad we have this lovely group, helping and supporting one another and I can see what steps we are all taking. Sometimes it is two steps forward then one back but I think that is okay.
As Anne says, I don’t think I will ever be truly happy again and I feel as though I now live my life with an undercurrent of sadness but am definitely moving along.
Charlie (Gemma’s little one) is staying with us. He is lying in our bed right now singing songs about being happy. Such a lovely boy and looking after him is just magical. Although when he is winding the dog up later I might not be saying that! 
I will be thinking of you, Deborah, especially tomorrow. Much love to you xxx
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Dear Deborah,
I Will be thinking of you tomorrow on your precious daughters birthday 
I think their birthdays are the hardest of all the anniversaries, just remember she is with you always, we go to the cemetery and have Matt’s favourite caterpillar cake and sing happy birthday and raise a toast, also take lots of flowers, it all helps, obviously you will shed many tears but also some laughs as you remember happier times, your family will help get you through and we will all be thinking of you 
Love Michelle xxxx
Hello Deborah,
I will be thnking of you, it is hard these anniversaries, and yes we are all right when we say we do our best but there will always be that undercurrent of sadness. Even now almost 5 years on I still struggle at times. I think we always will. I remember my friend Jean said her borther died when he was 19, (she is now 73) her mum used to have to carry him on her back up the stairs, and sometimes years later when it was cold out her mum would look out of the window and say Geoffrey will be cold up in that cemetary, and I know Jean was talking some 20 odd years after. So that is the price we have to pay for loving them the way we do. I still talk to Sam every day and I know I will carry on doing that. It is whatever enables us to get through each day as I’ve said before. I have Sam safely locked inside my heart and he is never leaving.
Love
Helen
Thank you all for your kind messages. I’m crying just thinking about tomorrow. What is a big kick in the teeth is that safety barriers have now been put in place where she died. If they had been there she might still be alive as they would have prevented her car overturning and going down an embankment. It is just all too sad and heartbreaking
Love Deborah
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Darling girl, it’s terrible. We all seem to have to deal with the ‘if only’s’ . Sadly it just makes it hurt more.
Will be thinking of you.
With love, Kate xx
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Deborah, it is so difficult. I feel your sadness and also the anxiety leading your daughter’s birthday.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow,
Love Chris xx
Thank you Chris and Kate xx
Dear Deborah, my heart breaks for you as we all seem to live our lives thinking of the ‘if only s’ . I know I do. I am thinking of you and your darling girl and sending you courage and so much love 
Thank you Victoria, the posts on here mean so much to me as only all of you know the pain and heartache that I am feeling
Love Deborah xxx
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Hello Deborah, will be thinking of you tomorrow. Xx
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Hi Deborah
It’s so difficult, Scott died on my birthday and I know that I will just want to hide away on my own on that day, on his birthday we went up to where we scattered his ashes and I planted some wild flower seeds. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it.
It’s my other sons 22nd soon, he didn’t really have a 21st as Scott had just been taken in for heart surgery so I’ve invited all of Scott’s closest friends and a few of Euans to have a nice dinner out, I’ve even hired a firepit.
No matter what I do though Deborah, like you I just feel a dark cloud of sadness hanging over me.
Tonight I just felt the disbelief and shock run over me again.
I still really do think I don’t fully believe I’ve lost him.
I hope you can get through the barbecue.
Remember your beautiful girl with a glass of champagne and a smile on her face, she is still with you.
Love from Anne xxxxx
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Dearest Michelle
Thank you for your kind words. I’m luckily in a job where I can make a fuss of people and make them feel special, I try to make people smile and it honestly helps me get through the day knowing I’ve cheered up someone’s day.
However on my walk home I found myself talking out loud to Scott and the tears came.
One day at a time is all we can do Michelle, some harder than others but the kindness of everyone on this page helps so much.
Love from
Anne xx
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Dear Ann and Michle and all dear friends.
Even two years on I talk to Lisa and the tears flow. I have not been sleeping well this last few weeks since her birthday and then the anniversary on 25th July. I wake up around 3 am and all I can see is her dying and me saying out loud ‘she’s gone’ when I knew she had taken her last breath even before the doctor pronounced time of death.
It haunts me still but I know we were fortunate to have those weeks with her when she could sit up and talk, albeit very quietly, and see darling little girl playing at her bedside.
Our love for our children goes on and on beyond their loss.
Love to you all.
Kate x
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Hello Deborah, Michelle, Anne and Kate
Like you Kate I talk out loud to Sam and have done since I can remember. Every now and then the tears flow they always will. We have all lost something so precious and there is no one who understands better than all of us on here the pain and the heartache. Like Anne said there will always be that aura of sadness but we will see them again and keep your lovely girl safely locked in your heart as Anne said she is always with you.
Love
Helen
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I too talk to Gemma and always have done. A few weeks after we lost her, I was feeling quite desperate and went for a walk in the countryside where we live. I said out loud to Gemma ‘Gems where are you?’ And straight away I heard her voice in my head say
‘I’m here Mum’. It was an amazing moment that I will never forget xxx
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Wow Victoria , how lovely that you got a response like that . I talk to Dawn all the time , kiss her picture , but nothing at the moment I must admit I have been very tearful lately ,I have had a couple of dreams about it , but they have been when she wasn’t well , and have woke up feeling really upset. . Not like the month after she passed, and she came in a visitation and she looked so well . . Time is not making it any easier. Deborah I hope you got through Kathryn birthday ok , And you had your family around you . Take care everyone . Love Maddie xx
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If we knew what was ahead of us we would have acted differently. I say this a lot.xx
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I’ts three and a half years since we lost Christian and I am still saying if only we had done this or if we had done that if,if,if…we feel we failed them let them down we should have done more we were their Mothers there to protect them in life not let them go.
But in our hearts is the true answer,they were our children we loved them more than life itself we would have willingly have sacrificed our lives for theirs we miss them more than life.
IF… only we could see into the future.
Love to all xxx
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Hi Marina
I have lots of if onlys. They torture me every day. I wasn’t there to save her and didn’t stop her going out that night even though she looked tired. Everyone keeps saying that she would have gone anyway but it doesn’t help. I miss her so much, if only I could have just one more cuddle and tell her that I love her more than my own life 
Deborah xx
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Hello Deborah,
Your daughter knows how much you love, how much you miss her, she is all around you. There is nothing anyone can say that will help you. Gradually very gradually one step at a time you learn to live alongside your grief. She will help you all the way until you find each other again. Time is fleeting…
In these moments of heartbreaking grief
I remember the only reason we have an empty space
is because we were blessed with someone who loved
us so beautifully it occupied an entire part of our soul
For you Deborah
With love
Helen
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