Hi Wynne, I am going to try another medium when I get back from holiday,as the little signs from Dawn have dried up. Idont see anything wrong with it as you might pick up something from Daniel which might keep you going for a while as that’s all we are ask to know our loved ones are alright. Love Maddie
Hi Everyone…I too have thought of seeing a medium but I am slightly nervous about it and also a little sceptical… I so want to believe but still uncertain…Yesterday I was going through an old computer of mine when I came across some old emails Christian and I had exchanged when he was living in Yorkshire (my birthplace) they were of such happy times that the sadness that came with them was overwhelming …I would just like to find some peace of mind…Love to all…Marina xx
Dear Marina and everyone,
Bless you Marina it seems as though there is always something to trip us up and plunge us into such sadness. It feels so unfair that we have to go through this unbearable pain.
I am thinking of going to a spiritualist church because I so want to believe that Gemma might be around somewhere and I too am hoping that it may bring me some peace of mind.
Love to you all and you are all in my thoughts and prayers xxx
Hi Victoria …I know just how you feeling…I lost my Mother just three months after my first Son was born and though difficult I was able to cope with it …I lost my sister in January last year and managed to cope with it also…but I cannot believe that I will never see Christian again …I think the death of a child regardless of age the pain is indescribably and we will try any means to be able to accept and ease that pain…
Love to all…Marina…xx
hello Marina
How true are the words you write, we cope with the death of a parent because it is the natural order. The death of a child is not. I too like you find it hard to cope at times, but I keep telling myself what would Sam expect? I believe that our loved ones always stay around us and will find ways to let us know they are with us. I have seen a medium and what they said no one else could ever know.
With love
Helen
Dear Helen, Victoria and every mother and father, It has been a hard weekend - I think having all the rain and plunging temperatures does not help. I do so much want to feel the presence of Daniel but wonder if I am just kidding myself. It would be wonderful to have my faith back again but at the moment I just feel so confused and so low. Painting the mask on sometimes becomes such a burden and lately I have been quite snappy with those close to me. Knowing I guess that this is the new reality and just not being able to accept it remains very difficult. The tears are always just below the surface and spill out easily. Gone are those spontaneous laugh out loud days. I still dream often about Daniel and then waking up to reality is torture. I know we have to go on but the thought of living like this for years seems impossible. Thank you for sharing this awful journey. Hugs and love. Wynne
Hello Wynne,
If you are dreaming of Daniel, then he is trying to get through to you. I often have dreams of Sam, and I know Marcus the medium said about the dreams. Yes I know exactly what you mean when you say “laugh out loud days” are gone, but I have been told by two mums now, one who’s child was 9 when she died of an asthma attack which was 30 years ago she is in my zumba class, she said “the tears could still flow if I let them, but over the years you learn to cope and recognise when a bad patch is upon you”. The other lady works in the hairdresser where I go and her son committed suicide when he was 21 almost 8 years ago, and she said the same you learn to skirt round that envelope of blackness. Her husband had died some 3 months before of cancer and the son could not cope without his dad.
I cling to my memories of Sam and I know I am lucky there are many and I will always bring Sam into a conversation, all my friends know this about me and will respond about Sam even talking about him before I do, they know that is the way I cope. I have one strong belief, that when I close my eyes for the last time Sam will be there waiting and smiling and although 20 or 25 years is a long time in the spirit world it’s the blink of an eye, so I will do exactly what Sam wants and try my very very best to live how he would expect me to.
With all my love
Helen
Dear All,
You are all so brave and I gain so much comfort from our conversations. Wynne, I have also been dreaming of Gemma and last night had such a sad dream I woke feeling very anxious. I collected Gemma’s ashes last week and I am hoping I will begin to heal when we have scattered them. I just sit and hold them sometimes and can’t help but think of what might have been.
I am also struggling with my faith now. It all seems so very cruel as though the sun and laughter has gone from our lives and it breaks my heart to see her boys and know the struggle they have now. We have become even closer though so that is a blessing.
I wish you all a peaceful evening. Much love to you xxx
Hi Wynne, I understand your feelings of none acceptance. We fight it every minute of every day and I feel this will be forever. It’s 2 and a half years for me and the emptiness is unbearable. I’ve was told that the second year is when the reality sets in and it’s so true.
During the last few months, every now and again, I have found myself feeling a ltittle more hopeful in managing my feelings and not crying so much. In fact tonight, I met with some longtime friends from mother and toddler days who get together a couple of times a year. I didn’t want to go to those get togethers for more than 2 years. It wasn’t easy tonight but it made me feel normal and I know my daughter would want me to stay I touch with them. I couldn’t imagine things getting better, but little by little, some days are slightly more bearable.
I feel for everyone suffering as we are. I will be forever grateful for all of the support through your heartfelt posts. Reading other people’s words and how these describe how we all feel inside, makes us realise what we feel is natural.
Love to all.
X
Hello Helen , Wynne , and all, well the time has come we are off to Florida tomorrow, I should feel excited but I don’t, as last time we went we had to leave Dawn in hospital and it was heart breaking ,this time she isn’t here at all, only in a small box with her ashes, I know I have got to try and perk up a bit as we are going with friends and I cannot spoil their holiday, it wasnice of them to decide to come with us other wise I don’t think I could of faced going to this this sad task. Love to all Maddie xx
Dear Maddie and everyone,
I’m sure we all feel for you as your holiday approaches, Maddie. It feels so hard to go away from familiar surroundings.
Be gentle on yourself and do what you feel able to. I know people talk about making new memories but I find that concept difficult.
I am also going away to Devon for 5 days on Monday and have mixed feelings about it.
I will be thinking of you and praying that you have a nice time and we will all be here when you return.
Much love xxx
Hi Victoria,
Thank you for your kind words, yes I will try and enjoy it as I cannot spoil our friends holiday, is just everywhere we will be going in Florida is all the places that Dawn went to and Loved, and I feel so sad that she cannot do it again. I hope you find some peace in Devon, sometimes it can give a break from the grieving.
Take care Maddie xxx
Hello Maddie,
As Victoria said be easy with yourself. Your friends will understand, if some things you find difficult. Please remember Dawn will be with you and seeing all the places she loved again through your eyes. Talk to her she will hear you.
Take care and try to find some peace, and some enjoyment with your friends.
With love
Helen
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Hi Maddie…I know it can be so distressing going to places where at one time there was so many happy memories…but Dawn will be with you always no one can take that away…try and enjoy your holiday not just for you but for Dawn as well…she would be so proud of you…With love…Marina xx
Hi Victoria…I have a Son and Daughter-in-law that live in Devon and last year Christian and I spent some happy times down there with them,they keep asking us to go and stay for a while but the memories are to vivid at the moment and I think I would spend most of the time in tears and that would spoil it for everyone fortunately they understand…
I know what you mean by saying you have mixed feelings about going away and I can understand that completely for home seems a safe place to be…but it will be there when you get back…the break will do you good just take it step by step…
Take care…With Love Marina xx
Dear Maddie, Helen , Victoria and everyone. I do hope those going on holiday at this time find peace and some moments of happiness. I know that we all miss our young sons and daughters so very much and want them to be experiencing the joys with us in person. Sometimes I do feel guilty when I feel the warm sunshine, the birds singing and think what a beautiful world but then I take a sharp breath and want so much to spend it with Daniel too or at least text him and share these moments. I love to hear you speaking of your sons and daughters in the present and chat to them when you wake. I have been trying to do this more but often the tears just won’t stop. Sending my warmest love. Wynne
Dear Wynne, Maddie and Helen,
I know exactly how you feel. I have been very tearful the last few days. I had a visit yesterday from a lady whose son took his own life too and it was helpful, I don’t feel quite so alone. I realise that your lovely children all died from an illness but my Gemma was also suffering a terrible illness, depression, and that is what overwhelmed her and took her life. So I do feel that we are all suffering the same loss.
I find it difficult to tell people how she passed away because I feel so guilty and wish she had opened up to us and I could have helped her. But she would always put a bright face on because she didn’t want us worrying. We only discovered this from her diaries and farewell note afterwards. I just pray that she is at peace now. ‘She was too fragile for this world’.
I do chat to her, tell her how proud I am of her and tell her how the boys are doing. I hope she can hear me.
Love to you all xx
Hello Victoria, Wynne and all,
I have just come back from Bordeaux where we went for 4 days with 3 other couples, two of the couples I have known for over 30 years and they knew Sam as a little boy. The other couple I have only known for about 15 years, but again they knew Sam and his older brother. When we were sat in the square having a drink, there was a cathedral behind us and one of the ladies said let’s go light a candle, (her cousin has just lost her daughter). I went but was starting to get upset and within a minute of that, both the other ladies appeared by my side and held on to me. Jan who I’ve known for over 30 years, was talking about Sam and because they bring him in to the conversation it’s easier for me. And just outside my hotel window two feathers floated past.
Victoria, depression is an illness just like any other, you are suffering just like any other mother or father on here. I am glad I have this site, sometimes it allows me to put into words how exactly I am feeling especially if it’s a really bad day. We are all on here to help one another, please don’t feel guilty it’s a wasted emotion as you say she will be at peace now, and I am sure will be around you talk out loud to her she will here you.
With love
Helen
Dear Helen, Wynne and all,
It was lovely to hear of your trip to Bordeaux, Helen. I am sure the feathers must have been a sign from Sam. I love to hear all your stories and experiences on this heartbreaking journey we are all on.I too find it comforting when people talk if Gemma. I still have 3 children and am determined that Gemma will akways be a huge part of our lives, even though she is no longer physically with us.
I am going to make an online memory book particularly for Charlie who is 8. I want to capture all the memories of his beautiful, courageous mummy for him.
With love xxx
Hello Victoria
What a lovely thing to do for Charlie, the children have so much knowledge of computers etc now so that will be really good for him, take care
love Helen