Sending love to you and you family , you have been through so much , reliving it all must have been the worse thing ever , I couldn’t even imagine what you have been through . Hope you can find some peace now , and keep Matt tucked safely in your heart. Maddie xxx
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Hi Zoe,
Yes 9 for is a terrible number. He passed surrounded by all his family and his very special friend Jason (who always says a brother from another mother) they were so close. Jason named his little boy after Sam and we were godparents.
The tears will always flow and the hole in your heart will never ease but you manage to cope and the grief walks alongside. I am still on here listening and sometimes posting even after 5 years. I know exactly what Sam would say…for f**** sake mother just get on with it I’ll see you in 20 years. Not many days after Sam had passed I was trying to make toast in the kitchen and I heard that sentence so loud it was Sam’s voice I turned round. So I know when I’m off!! My stepdad also died on the 9th June 18 months to the day after Sam. When he got taken in the ambulance I heard Sam’s voice again saying I’ll look after gramps now mum, that was what he called him. My husband and me stayed all night with Roy in the hospital, he was in a comma but managed to stretch his arm out as far as it would go and I felt Sam there ready to take him. My mum was too tired to stay at the hospital!! I hate Christmas but have no choice because of all the grandchildren. I have a special bauble with Sam’s name on it and I cannot wait till its over. We are going away 3rd - 10th December to Dorset out the way and will go out for a meal and toast Sam on the 9th.
With love
Helen
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Oh Michelle,
Michelle,
My god, what a time you have been through to have to relive it all. I am truly truly sorry that this has happened to you especially when he was protecting the elephants. I am glad that it is all over for you and that you can now grieve in peace with the inquest behind you. At least they have made those recommendations and will learn from it. You will always keep Matt safely locked in your heart, and know that he was helping and making a difference.
With all my love
Helen
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Hello everyone , I am feeling really weepy today , we are hoping ou with friends for a meal , but I feel I am going through the awful motions of losing Dawn . It’s getting near Dec 11rh when we lost her ,and I am talking to her photo , please Dawn give us a sign , , or please Dawn can you hear me . . We do and try and and do our best to carry on , but it is so so hard , This afternoon on I have down loaded more photos of , as what else have we got ? . The last photos of our children . There won’t be anymore of the happy times we had we had , and I am sat here crying . . Oh god how did this happen to us . With love Maddie xxxx
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Hi Michelle what an awful thing to have happened. After my daughters inquest barriers were finally put up where she died to try and stop the accident happening again. It is small solace when recommendations and actions are taken as it doesn’t bring our children back. I feel for you and your family and hope that you can find some peace now that the inquest is over. Sending love and hugs Deborah xx
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Hi Maddie
I’m sorry that you are feeling so low. I have been having a few bad days also. This gut wrenching feeling of grief is taking me over. We had a bonfire get together last night as it was my daughter Charlotte’s birthday and Kathryn not being there was felt by all, especially my granddaughter who cried lots. I felt so sorry for Charlotte as well as Kathryn was her best friend and she has never celebrated a birthday without her. I have cried alot today but it doesn’t help, I feel as wretched as ever. I have given up drinking alcohol as I felt it was making it worse. I’ve lasted a week, I’m hoping to keep going until Christmas. Thinking of you, Deborah 
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Hi ladys i also feel awful im sitting looking after my 3 grandchildren they taLk about sam every minute sYing they need him . Sam could do that nanny i dont have a clue about playstation . I just feel like nothing makes sense just want sam back .cant function this time last year he was so full of life x
Hi ladies, so sorry you are having bad days. It is so hard for us all, especially with special anniversaries and Christmas preparations. I have my brother staying and have been so busy that I haven’t had time to think.
Michelle, you have been so incredibly brave in going through the ordeal of Matts’s inquest. I hope no other army mum has to go through what you have and by speaking up so bravely I am sure you have improved conditions for them.
Sending love to you all this evening xxx
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Thank you all for your kind words of support 
it means so much to know you are all here for me, I am so sorry that Zoe and Jss have had to join us on this awful journey but all of the lovely ladies on this site will help you get through as we all know how you feel and are here for you. 
Much love to all Michelle xxxx
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Hi jss alwaYs think about you at night coz i know you dont sleep good.hope your as welll as you can be. Its mad when sam was ill he liked the lloyds advert with the black horse i play it often i think yes hes running free that beautiful horse no pain. Mad how your mind thinks .when sam was ill he kept saying sorry i said we in this together boy this life so cruel. I said to my daughter we have to try we was cuddled crying we have to try xxx
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Hi zoe9
Sorry I did not reply last night , was having a bad day and just had to take a sleeping tablet to get out of it. I had been cleaning my sons room and it was too much, weekends are always the worst as he collapsed on the Friday and Sunday they turned the machine off. Funny you should say about the Lloyds commercial as my son worked for Lloyds and it reminds me of him to, hope he is running free now As well.
Life is cruel as you say and I keep Saying to his picture how sorry I am , we bring them into the world and we can guarantee the love we have for them but that’s about all we can guarantee . I know he would not want to see me so upset all the time, but I suppose it takes as long as it takes.
I had some memory bears and cushions made from his clothes ,by a lovely local lady, my granddaughter can now lay her head on them like she used to lay her head on his chest when he was wearing them , upsetting but lovely at the same time.
I am finding I am having to catch my breath with all this Christmas stuff going on . Hope you are coping ok , I know this months is going to be hard for you . Love Jss xX
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Dear Zoe and Jss,
It breaks my heart to read both your posts, but am so glad you have found each other through this site, my son Matt lost his life in Malawi Africa, 2 and half years ago he was a soldier helping with anti poaching, I sometimes play African music and imagine him runing with all the wildlife in the jungle and I know he would love that we get many signs from Matt which you both will I’m sure, they will never leave us and will be in our hearts always, I visit Matt’s grave most days we have a picture of him in a lantern and nice plants, I light his candle take a coffee and sit and chat to him its part of my routine and it helps, also I have picture in every room so I can see him everywhere, we too had the bears made for Matts sister’s and girlfriend which brings them great comfort, you have to do whatever gets you through the day, (and the night) sending you all my love and so sorry for the loss of your precious children.
Michelle xxxx
Mattsmom thank you, so very sorry for your loss, I have been following your posts about Matt since I joined ,what a handsome young man he was, and you were obviously so proud of him.
I light a candle and talk to my son everyday, I have not really had any sign that I can not put down to coincidence so don’t know what I believe, just hope I will see him again otherwise I don’t think I could go on.
This site is such a comfort and I had no idea it existed , thank goodness it does , I tell everyone about it as they can see the difference in me, I say it’s because I can talk to people who really understand how I feel as they feel the same and really get it.
Thanks to all of you. Love jss x
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My son got his Bachelors degree last week and this is what he wrote on our family whats App group about his sister. He is 45 and had struggled to finish the course after she passed. It had me in tears:
My Kath left me a gift … to realise how important everything is and to appreciate the little things that we take for granted everyday …I see things differently now …and however I wish I could share this enlightened outlook on life with her I know I cant … but it’s ok as long as I make the most of what I have and try my best …then I know she will be proud of me xxx 
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That is so lovely, Deborah. You must be so very proud of him and of Kathryn for inspiring her brother. It is these moments that help us along our path. Much love to you xxx
Thanks Victoria. She was an inspiration, so kind and caring and she had so much love for her family. My son has been abit lost but doing it for her has kept going.
Deborah xx
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Hello everyone , I didn’t want to post today, I am struggling at the moment it’s leading up to the 5 th anniversary as I know some of you have coming up We have been out shopping today , hovered the car , cleaned the oven , just to brush the cobwebs away , but this afternoon it’s just got to me . Sarah is a million miles away , we are not close anymore , last week we nearly fell out again , she is so touchy , luckily our Grandaughter sorted things out. . But I feel such a hinderance ,to her , I feel like I have lost both daughters , we used be so close , but since Dawn has been gone ,I feel we are like strangers … No one in the family seems to care how I am feeling , they just say we know you have lost Dawn , but just get on with it … Oh I miss Dawn so much she would never of treated me like this . Maddie xx
Hi Maddie
I know exactly how you are feeling. My daughter Charlotte sometimes gets snappy with me when I constantly say how much I miss Kathryn and cry. I know it’s not her fault as she is dealing with her own grief. A mother’s grief is like no other as we gave birth to our children. All we can do do is try to get through each day, I put on brave face most of the time and smile for others sake but in my heart I am screaming. I truly believe that Dawn is with you always Maddie, watching over you and urging you to be as strong as you can be. You will see her again one day.
Sending love and hugs
Deborah xx
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Thankyou Deborah , you are right no one understands a mothers grief , not even our own family . Oh so hope Dawn will be waiting for me , the way I feel I hope it will be sooner rather than later . Thanks for your private messages the weekend . Hope to see you next year . Love Maddie xx
I’m sorry you are having a bad day my lovely friend. I think sometimes we feel as if we have to tread on eggshells around other people and why should we have to?! Others move on but we can’t and wouldn’t want to as we need to keep the memory of our children alive. So looking forward to seeing you on Thursday 