Dear Peter
Thank you for sharing the photo of your son Sam, he is very handsome. I lost my daughter 14 months ago and it still feels like it was yesterday. I remember so vividly the police coming to tell me that she had died in an accident. It is still very raw but I am now able to function on some level. I remember those dark days at the beginning when I couldn’t even get out of bed I still have those days now and again but i do manage to drag myself up and do what has to be done. You are very brave to read the sympathy cards, I haven’t managed it yet but one day I will be strong enough. Everyone on here understands exactly what you are going through so please keep posting. The people on here saved me and my sanity.
Deborah 
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Lovely photo. Be proud of your beautiful son and hold on to the memories.
Love Chris x
Hi peter hes so handsome i know exactly how you feel its just so heartbreaking . Simon looks a lovely person they look so healthy like my sam in the pictures i posted .i really hope time heals a bit . I have a partner sams dad .he wont speak about sam . I feel very alone in my grieve .thats why i post .take care love to you and your wife zoe xx
Oh Helen five years this life all wrong .my sams room i cant change it all just as it was . He had a cuddly dog from when he was 2 and although he was 24 he hid it in the wardrobe so my grandchildren didnt ruin it .he called it beethoven .we lost it at gatwick once we paid 30 p0und to get it back .when sam was in the chapel of rest i put beethoven with him with his arsenal blanket .i saw him there gor 15 days it gave me great comfort. I now have it i cuddle it good morning and good night . It has sams aftershave on it .it gives me some comfort .love to everyone on here love zoe
Hi Zoe , just seen your photos , beautiful family you must be heartbroken especially when you are grieving on your own. We are all here for you , I’m finding it very comforting , I’ve not told my wife that I’m on this site, she gets very emotional and I think it’s too soon for her, I probably will in time , take care.
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Thank you peter .i find it comforting too .everyone deals with grief different .its such early days .for you . I have dates in my head .wish i didnt tomorrow marsden hospital you just go over everything . . Over and over . We miss them so much xxxx zoe xx
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Really touching words I feel your pain take care
Dear Peter,
As time goes on grief is like waves sometimes lapping at your feet and sometimesit overwhelms you. Of all the money raised with Cancer Research, on 3% goes to the brain tumour study so now I donate to The brain Tumour Study. Like your son Simon, Sam never abused his body, the consultant who operated on Sam said if we knew how they were caused we could cure them. I consider myself lucky if thats the right expression Sam’s was a grade 3, with some 2 in it and we had just over 4 years with him but then it came back in the Maymore severe a grade 4 and there was nothing else they could do, he passed in the December but was okay until the November.
Love Helen
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Sam and me in November before he passed in December
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Dear Helen , it must have been tough for you to see him going through all his treatment. In my case my son started having headaches he went to the doctor after he had a seizure, he was discharged and was told to come back in 2 weeks to have a CT scan . I later Googled it and it stated if you have a seizure your very likely to have another one within a few days and you should not be left alone. Unfortunately he went to Paris with his girlfriend as she was running the marathon. He was on his own in a hotel when his headaches came really bad which caused a seizure, he vomited and chocked and his heart stopped. The doctor in the hospital said his brain was staved of oxygen. His autopsy found a large fast growing mass in his brain. , but it was unclear was it the cause of death. We are still waiting for the result of the 2nd autopsy. All this happened within 5 weeks. It’s been absolute hell and we live it every day , and I can’t see when if ever it will get better. We have a 35 year old daughter with 2 young children and that’s the only reason I live and breathe
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My love you will be hurting so much. The way he passed is awful. There are no words.
For us, the most awful thing was that Lisa was alert and functioning normally, albeit bed bound, due to the ECMO life support she was on. The machine pumps oxygenated blood round your body, doing what healthy lungs should do.
The medics came to see us all to say that in spite of all they had achieved, her lungs had deteriorated and she could not live off the machine. They said she was starting to have organ failure and it would be best to let her go.
I remember being isolated in my own body, unable to hear anything or say anything. I had been looking after Brooke whilst the others listened to what the doctor was saying. The head nurse came to me to tell me and I made my way back to her room having got nurses to watch over Brooke.
We all had a few minutes with Lisa before they gave her drugs to make her sleep deeply. Then they asked if we were all ready and switched off the machine. It was awful. She went immediately blue and was taking gasping breaths. I remember knowing when she had taken her last breath and said ’ she’s gone, my baby’s gone’ then the doctor saying there’s still a heartbeat then timevof death 13.55.
I got up and went into the anti room, dropped to the floor and was howling like an animal.
These memories are the stuff of nightmares. We have all had them, even if we weren’t with our lost children, some of you will be thinking all the time of their last moments.
Still, somehow we manage to function and live day to day in the hope the next day will be better.
Telling each other things we can’t even say to our loved ones is a release I think.
Keep posting, we are all on the same boat, floating about with no real destination.
Much love Bluebird, Kate xx
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Hi kate thats so true floating with no where to go . I feel if i didnt have my daughter .what would i do she and sam was so close .saw each other every day .her children was sams world .sam lived at home .never went out .we was all so close. We all feel the sadness the pointless feeling lost really .im so sorry we all here i really am sending love and prayers zoe xx
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My god you have been through hell , I cried all the way through whilst reading your horrendous message. Words cannot describe how you must have felt when the doctor switched off the life support. I can’t understand why are we put through these horrible situations, no parent should outlive their children, keep safe sending you all my love
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Dear Kate I to cried all the way through your post., we were there also when they turned my sons machine off, only because of Covid we were fully covered with PPE so could not even feel skin to skin. I can’t bear the thought of people who We’re not able to be there at their loved ones passing because of the Covid restrictions.
I also remember falling to the floor and howling like an animal. Something so primal and instinctive and raw from the depth of my soul, never made sounds like that ever , never hope to hear sounds like that again, from anyone.
How our whole world can be crushed and broken suddenly and yet we are expected to carry on living and I suppose we do in our broken world. It’s all so very sad and heartbreaking.
Sending love jss xx
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Dear jss, it is so good to be able to share these things here.
Unless someone has experienced that, falling to the floor and howling, they cannot really believe it happens.
When I see some drama on TV and a mother is told her child has been killed, the actor does this. I think people must think its just for TV but it’s real, the pain takes our legs from under us and we collapse. It happens.
Sending love.
Kate xx
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Dear Kate and Jess , I can relate you both . The doctors took all the life support away from Dawn on the Saturday afternoon and we were just waiting for her to pass over ,. And Sunday morning at 2.15am I I watched her take her last breath . And my beautiful Dawn who I gave life to was gone . And I know I will never get over that terrible time , some nights I just lay in bed thinking of it over and over in my mind . John my Husband only remembers the good times , I wish I could , , OJ I do want her back , life will never be the same again , just a gaping hole in my heart . Sending love Maddie xxx
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Dear JSS, Kate and Maddie,
Sam passed away here at home and like you all I watched him take his last breath. That was on the Friday but on the Thursday he woke up and was sick and starting to slip into a coma and I said, Ilove you Sam and he replied love you too, so clear then he closed his eyes and went to sleep, I suppose I must consider myself fortunate to have that memory, but I would give anything to have him back
love Helen
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Hi everyone the sad thing i to can only think of the last four months of sams life .and near the end he was so weak and insisted mum i will get in the chair .i did everything cared for him meds.hospital . His care i slept down stairs right by his side everynight and i cant think of all the great times theres been all of sams life so hapoy .i can only remember the sarcoma .the shit cancer being everywhere how could that be at 24 …i try so hard to think of the good but it wont come… sam was born with his main heart valves round the wrong way .he got through a 9 hour operation .he was born in london and was saved at 3 days old how can they then give my beautiful boy cancer four months he was gone it makes me want to scream .this world is all wrong taking our babies .we ment to go before them xxx zoe xxx
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Dear Zoe…,Your son was very lucky to have you has his Mother, you loved him you cared for him, you did everything you could for him, no son could ask more…It’s so cruel that he was taken from you at such a young age when he should have had his whole life before him, and as a Mother I understand exactly how you feel,. Treasure the memories you have of him and feel lucky you had him in your life even though it wasn’t meant to be forever
With love …Marins xxx.
That is true Zoe, we are meant to go before our children. It’s not the right order. It is so hard to think of any happy memories to do with our children in the early years but
eventually memories creep in things that you can’t help but remember things from their early years.
Take care Zoe, you’ve come so far and Sam will be so proud of you. Talk out loud he will hear you.
Love
Helen