Hi all
I’m having a bad day today, I can’t stop crying. Everything seems so dark and meaningless. I have so much that I should be looking forward to, a granddaughter due in March, lots of family events but I can’t seem to bring myself out of wanting to just not be here for it all. I’ve just poured a glass of wine which I know won’t help but it does take the edge off of the pain.
Deborah xx
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Hi deborah , I feel the same today, I haven’t even got up. I just think what’s the point! I used to go out walking every day now I don’t even get up unless I need to do something. Maybe this gloomy weather does not help . I don’t recognise this world anymore so have no idea how to navigate it , where to go , what to do or why. Everything has changed six months ago I thought I would have come to terms with some of it by now but it just gets worse . Maybe I will join you with the wine .what ever gets you through. cheers .
Love jss xx
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Hi Jss and Deborah, I feel for both of you, myself I try and get up in the morning but my wife will stay in bed until I’ll go upstairs and persuade her to get up and we usually go for a walk on a beautiful beach which is only a mile from the house. , we usually talk about our son and the way he used to make us laugh as the waves crash all around us. Eventually we’ll head home , close the front door and cry our hearts out. How can my beautiful son of 36 be dead it makes no sense. We live in a small Welsh village and everyone is still stunned on the devastating news but I can’t face them because I just burst out crying, it’s been 3 months now and still as raw as ever, don’t know when I’ll go back to work. Just glad I can come on here and let my feelings out.
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Dear Bluebird1
What a lovely person Simon looks…I’m so sorry you’ve been parted from him. 
I lost my son Henry in October 2019 just after his 30th birthday. It is like a bomb going off in your life…just so agonising…my heart breaks for you.
We’re walking with you and believe me the people here are such a wonderful support…share how you feel and take each hour at a time.
I’m sending love and a hug to you.
Purple x
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Dear friends, well after my earlier posts it’s been a day of very mixed emotions. As you all know, the grief breakdowns are very draining and we feel exhausted afterwards.
Today I had a message from Lisa’s bestie. She has just given birth to her 2nd child, a wee girl. Her first baby Evan was born 2 days before Lisa left us. She had face time with Amy minutes before the start of her life termination was put into motion. I remember her saying to Amy, with the help of Jemma that she wasn’t going to make it, she was the best friend ever and she loved her so much. Then she asked to see baby Evan. Amy was utterly devastated, as wad her Dad, our close friend of 30 years who was with his daughter and grandchild. Lisa’s face was so calm and adoring, like she would look at her own baby. I will remember that for the rest of my days.
So today, having sent us photos of her beautiful baby girl she said her name would be Lucie Lisa Dallas. She said that as soon as she knew she had a wee girl, her name would have Lisa in it. We were so touched and honoured really. We cried and cried both of us. Jemma was the same.
Special wee baby, Lisa will be watching over her too.
Love to all.
Kate xx
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Thank you purple for your lovely kind words, like yourself we are totally devastated and nothing that people say or do can bring our sons back. Life seems futile but I am blessed with a daughter and she has 2 young sons so they are worth living for.
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Peter,
3 months is nothing, everyone on here is there for you, we have all walked in your shoes:- For you Peter and your wife.
Grief never ends
But it changes
It’s a passage
Not a place to stay
Grief is not a sign of weakness
Nor a lack of faith
It is the price of love
Love Helen
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Hi Helen and marina thank you for your support and kind words so grateful. I know 8 months no time . I really hope pain eases and i will be able to have good memorys i try everyday for sam .because he was amazing and brave .i had cancer in 2017 and sam was my rock .i never see jim cry or moan he truly was our superhero. Thank you everyone . Sorry for all your pain xxx
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What is Normal after your child dies?
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile because your child is missing from all the important events in your life.
Normal is feeling like you can’t sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don’t like to sit through anything anymore.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if’s & why didn’t I’s go through your head constantly.
Normal is reliving the day your child died, continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.
Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.
Normal is telling the story of your child’s death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone’s eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of your “normal.”
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your childs’s memory and their birthdays and survive these days.
Normal is a heart warming and yet sinking feeling at the sight of something special your child loved.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention your child.
Normal is making sure that others remember your child.
Normal is everyone else eventually going on with their lives.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to your loss, unless they too have lost a child. Nothing compares.
Normal is realizing you do cry everyday.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone except someone stricken with grief over the loss of their child.
Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with other grieving parents.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food.
Normal is asking God why he took your child’s life instead of yours.
Normal is learning to lie to everyone you meet and telling them you are fine. You lie because it makes others uncomfortable if you cry. You’ve learned it’s easier to lie to them then to tell them the truth that you still feel empty and lost.
And last of all…
Normal is hiding all the things that have become “normal” for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are “normal.”
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Thank You Deborah…I can relate to everyone of those and accept that this is a normal life that I now live , With love ,Marina xxx
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Oh Deborah
Everything you have wrote is so true .its our lifes now .it cruel and sad and only us as grieving parents get it.im laying in bed do i get up and put my brave face on .its just gut wrenching. Take care my friend .thinking of everyone .we’ve all touched eachwd others hearts on here .i know some of you been on here for a while .some one new comes and you let us in .thank you love zoe x
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Oh Debororah , everything you said is the new normal , that is my life now nd has been for the last 5 years . . What I hate most of all is going out with people and having to put on your fake happy face , when you really don’t want to . Because they do not want to see a miserable face . Love Maddie xxx
Hi Zoe
I know that awful feeling of not wanting to get out of bed and face the day. Whatever you decide to do is ok, get up or not just make sure that you eat something. We are all with you xx
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Hi Maddie
It is our life now unfortunately. Thinking of you xx
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Deborah, thank you for these words, so, so true. They actually help us to understand that we are “normal” in the way we are feeling.
Love Chris xx
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So very true.xxx
Hi Deborah and everyone, these words just fill you with emotion . Today has not been a good day so far . My wife has gone out for a coffee with some of her friends I think she’s really trying to be positive and she deserves it , myself on the other hand can’t bring myself to be around friends yet hopefully in time I’ll be able to , so I’m just sitting by the bedroom window looking out at the birds feeding from my bird feeder. I’ve cried a lot today and just seem to be in my own little world . I played some old video tapes of my son playing football but switched It off after a few minutes as it was too painful to watch. Take care everyone
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Dear Peter, I think we all have to go at our own pace. It was weeks before I could go out for a coffee or even meet people. The amount of times I did go out and then had to run out in tears. I felt as though I shouldn’t be doing nice things when Gemma couldn’t. Three years in there are still certain places I can’t go but we can only do our best. Sending you a big hug xxx
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Dear Deborah,
Your words are spot on, only us parents who have lost a child can truly understand and relate to this ‘Normal’, thank you for sharing 
Take care all love Michelle xxx
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Deborah,
That is so true even 5 years on, every word I can relate to. However hard we try we cannot forget the past, because purely and simply it is not the right order. I Sam miss his presence end of…
Love Helen
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