Feel exactly the same Helen. Always looking for Lisa, expecting her to appear any minute xxx
Oh Deborah this is so accurate. I can vividly remember telling someone about Gemma and then seeing the horror in their face (I donāt usually tell people) ā¦ I canāt even put into words how that made me feel 
.
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Dear Bluebird
What a devastating, heartbreaking and just truly awful thing to happen. You must be going through hell.
Iām so so sorry. My son also played football, he was 6 ft 5 and looked healthy and fit. Like your boy he started having some symptoms, his was a vibration on his jaw which got worse, after tests he was rushed in for heart surgery, they think something was wrong from birth but was undiagnosed and he had never had any symptoms up until that point. Despite apparently successful surgery he died holding his girlfriends hand 3 months later after many weeks of having heart attacksā¦he was 25!
It is such early days for you, you must still be in shock. It doesnāt feel real, itās like an never ending nightmare you canāt wake up from. Your life will never be the same again but little bits of you will come back again.
You will never stop missing him but you will find ways to honour his memory. One day you will find yourself enjoying talking to a friend, another it will all hit you again.
Itās a long never ending journey but take all the help and support you can. This group will always be there when you need someone who understands.
Sending hugs
Anne x
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Thank you Annne for your kindness and beautiful words. Itās been just over 3 months since Simon passed away but it still seems like yesterday. Itās a living nightmare. Trying to move on with our lives is hard and canāt see any light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully Holland will lift their quarantine rules so we can travel over there to start clearing out his flat, which is going to be very hard. He loved his flat in Amsterdam and canāt believe weāre going to have to sell it. Itās going to be very emotional. Take care all my love , Pete
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Oh I am so sorry Bluebird , you are suffering . I know the first year I think is the hardest thinking this time last year we still had them . And to having to face going to his flat with all his belongings , well I could not even imagine . When my mum died in 1984 that was bad enough . But when Dawn passed , her Husband ask us if there was anything of Dawns we wanted ? But tell you I could not think straight , . After a couple of months I realised I would love to have all her Disney ornaments , as she so loved Disney World ,but it was too late we had fLallen out with her husband , as he moved on really fast , without telling us . So what he did with her beloved ornaments breaks my heart , as he was not a Disney fan .zLife is so cruel ,I so hope you get to Amsterdam . I hope you find comfort in some of his belongings . With Love Maddie xxx
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Hello Peter,
It is so early days for you, I can remember walking the streets thinking when Im looking at different people Samās sort of age why are you alive and my son not, then thinking this is stupidā¦and gradually very very gradually I started to turn things on itās head. The years roll on but the longing to see them again to hear their voice never goes away. Grief is a bit like waves, sometimes lapping at your feet sometimes crashing overhead. Right now your waves are crashing over your head but gradually they will learn to lap at your feet. That is not to say they wonāt crash over your head now and again but you will always miss him we all do but we have no choice but to see out our time on this earth, it would be unfair on those that are travelling this road with us, your daughter my other son, Zoeās other children, JSS and Deborah and all of us on here. We have to make the best of a bad job Iām afraid. You will learn to laugh again, but it will take a lot of time and effort, I never thought I would ever smile again dance again but I am and I do it to make Sam proud because thereās one thing Sam would not want me to do and that is to wallow in misery, I am sure Simon would feel the same about you and your wife. He loved you both unconditionally, love does not end he loves you still. As I alwaus say talk out loud to him he will hear you,
love Helen
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Hi Helen , your message makes a lot of sense, I know 3 months is early days but those last 3 months have been the worst times of our lives. I donāt know how weāre going to cope when the time comes to empty his flat. Just the very thought of it fills me with dread. I just feel crushed all the time and like yourself I selfishly look at people and question myself why are they still alive when my son is no more. I hate having to speak about Simon in the past tense, it still doesnāt seem real. May all of us on here find some peace in ourselves, all my love, Pete
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Hi Pete, it is utterly the worst time. I fully understand that feeling ācrushedā. Itās physical and very painful. In these early stages as you are, trying to come to terms with everything in your mind when you are constantly feeling the physical pain in your heart. I remember texting a friend when she had asked how we were and telling her that I had to watch my husband feeling crushed because I knew he felt as I did and knowing he was seeing me feeling crushed. Itās the price we pay for love.
I am thinking of you Pete, take things hour by hour, itās all you can do.
Love Chris x
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Itās hell on earth for us. I remember going to Lisa and Jamieās flat just days before we lost her to pick up post. When I went into the flat I had a terrible feeling of foreboding. I just knew she wasnāt coming home. It was like their home was saying to me that Lisa had left for a better place! I was so shocked by the feeling that I knew in my soul that it was true.
It hurts so much even now. She passed in July 2019.
Keep posting dear friend. We all know how this sā¦t feels.
Lots of love, Kate xx
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We had to empty Gemmaās house and it was so very hard ā¦ I had to give up as it was just too heartbreaking. My darling husband and Gemsās ex husband were amazing in finishing it. All her life was there in that house ā¦ all the boys baby things. cards, special baby clothes, her childhood toys and books all carefully packed away.
Such terrible times that I wonder how we manage to survive them. But we do and thinking back to those early weeks remind me how far I have come.
Peter, Iām thinking of you and your wife and I hope you can get some comfort from this site. Lots of love to you xxx
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The thing is Victoria, and the wonderful uplifting, caring, understanding, loving thing is, we all know how we are all feeling. Whether itās early days or today, we all know and feel everything our friends here feel because we know the pain, the void, the what ifs, the yearning, all of it.
Love to all
Kate xx
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Dear Kate, you are right ā¦ when our friends on here are suffering I feel it too. We have all been there ā¦ the one thing every parent dreads has happened to us xxx
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Hi everyone .as time goes the worse it feels the reality my sams not coming back.ive been going through my phone .sam is everywhere but want him here. Laughing. Being silly .my lovely boy .i feel part of my heart is missing . I know we all in the same boat .i cant believe it . Fom all the letters i read . We all feel the same but at different times .my sams room is how he left it .i slip my feet in to his many trainers .spray his aftershave just miss him so .how are we ment yo carry on love to everyone .i would be lost if i couldnt write on here .my little grandson is 9 tomorrow .last year sam was in the photos . What are we ment to do sending all my love zoe xx
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Hi Zoe,Itās four years since we lost Christian and I still have all his computer equipment his laptops, monitors and his clothes which are in plastic boxes all crammed into a little side room which is in his bedroom, I know at some point soon I will go through them but it will be when I feel ready to do so. Do whatever you can to bring yourself some comfort in the terrible sorrow and anguish you are living through,
Wish your Grandson HAPPY BIRTHDAY from me ,enjoy the day like your son would want you tooā¦With Loveā¦Marina xxx
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Hello Pete,
It is absolutely dreadful, although for the last few months Sam lived here with me, he had a flat round the corner which he shared with Mathilda from when he was first diagnosed and had his operation. After he passed we had to clear that out and I just stood there crying, my other son and John my husband did most of the work. Is there anybody who can help you do this to make it easier on yourself? Mathilda love her went back home to Sweden because she couldnāt cope either, she wanted Sam to go live there again but he knew he was terminal so stayed with me.
Love Helen
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Oh Zoe,
I feel your pain, I have a picture of Sam with Stanley his nephew in his arms he was 2 now Stan is 7. It hurts so much all the time inside, that is why I talk out loud to Sam, you eventually learn to live alongside your grief, but it takes all your strength just to keep going. As I said to Peter talk out loud to Sam he will hear you.
love Helen
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Peter,
I never talk of Sam in the past tense still, I cannot and will not do that he was too precious to me to talk of the past and put him in there, so I donāt and I am sure everyone on here feelās exactly the same. Our love for our children is unconditional and goes on as does theirās for us.
You do whatever feelās right for you, (please excuse my French but bugger
everybody else). No one else understands, but all of us on here do we are all walking in your shoes but maybe some of us are a little further along the path.
Love Helen
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Me too Helen
Lisa is always talked about in the present tense.
Love to all.
Kate xx
Every day I go into Christianās bedroom, have a chat with him and tell him all the dayās news, some may think Iām mad but to me Iām just having a chat with my son.
Has a family we speak about him often and itās always in the present tense,just because you canāt see a person doesnāt mean they are not here with us.
Love to all Marina xxx
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Thatās how I feel, Marina. Gemma is my daughter and that will never change, just because I canāt see her any more. I talk of her in the present tense and always will until I see her again. xxx
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