Hi everyone, my daughter and her sons who are 2 years and 7 weeks old have just arrived after a 4 hour journey. It’s different this time because Simon used to come with her. I play with my grandchildren but at the back of my mind my heart is breaking. It’s horrible, I’ve cried a lot but can’t show I’m upset because everyone thinks I’m the strong one .I miss Simon so much. I’ve been up to his bedroom a few times today and kiss his urn , I can’t believe he’s in there when he should be out there and living life to the full. This is so hard to take, , wishing everyone a peaceful day , all my love, Pete
Hi Pete
Your words ring so many bells, it’s 5 years for me but I have Sam’s urn here with me and his picture alongside, together with acandle I light every night, I still cannot bring myself to blow that candle out at night so I go on up to bed and John does it. a I buy fresh roses each week for him because he loves bright colours. So we all have our ways of coping, no one will expect you to not show how upset you are. It is not a weakness to show your feelings.
Keep posting Pete, we all know and understand.
love Helen
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Dear Pete
Please don’t think it’s weak to cry or show emotion…being strong for others sake is so hard and it’s ok to show how you feel…
I wept continuously…I honestly never thought I could survive it but here I am.
My Dad died last Wednesday…he was 88 and had Parkinson’s and dementia, however he knew us all to the end. He didn’t really know anything else though.
I’m envious he’s crossed over…I hope he’s found Henry.
Every day that goes by takes us closer to our lost children. We will get our wings and join them one day.
I’m sending love to you and your wife and family. It will be an ordeal clearing Simon’s flat…I’ve still got lots of things from Henry’s flat…there are a connection to him.
Warmest hugs
Purple x
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Hi all. As always thankyou for all your kind words .thank you Helen and marina …my grandsons birthday yesterday .i thought i go and buy him a couple of balloons to take to his football party he was 9 first birthday without sam . So i went to the balloon shop it had big sign on the door closed due to wedding .so i walked back yo car but was staring at the florist .i thought they might have one .two ladys very nice said not got many .so i picke out a star and aplain red one .just looked and there was all thank you ones but right in the middle was an arsenal balloon .took them to the counter . And the lady looked puzzled . She looked at me with the arsenal balloon in her hand and said where did this come from .she said to her friend weve never done football balloons . Well i started to cry you see my sam was a real arsenal fan and he made his nephews love them . . I yold the lady sam had passed and it was bobbys birthday .she said oh my you was ment to come in .and she gave me the ballons and said have a nice day . It did put a smile on my face if we believe or not .i felt he was part of bobbys birthday .because he would never miss it . Im sitting talking to him out loud now helen and its made me have a bit comfort …and Pete dont hold back with your emotions you are aloud to cry . Whats happened to us all is wicked .my heart hurts so bad . Thinking of you all with love and blessings zoe xxx
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Dear friends, it is so strange how these things happen Zoe. That balloon just being there.
When I had been playing with Brooke at their house, she has the spare bedroom as a playroom, she couldn’t find d one of her My Little Pony characters. She searched here and there for a few minutes then said ’ just leave it, Mummy will throw it up in a minute’ . Sure enough, there it was on the carpet!
I said to Brooke , do you think your Mummy can see where your toys are? She said ’ of course Granny , Mummy always finds things for me’. Bless that child, she feels her Mummy is near even though she can’t see or hold her close.
Love to all.
Kate xx
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Dear Peter, I was so wrapped up in my own grief that it was only when I saw my husband in tears that I realised he was hurting inside just like me and it was something that we had to go through together. Please don’t be afraid to cry, tears are the love that we feel for our child.
Take care Marina xxx
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Zoe,
That was the biggest sign from Sam, he wanted you to have that just to let you know he is around. I know Marcus (the medium) told me they will use anything at their disposal. Marcus told me so much about Sam and what he was feeling. There was so many things that Marcus would not have a clue about. So yes take it as a sign because that is exactly what it was, I’m so so pleased for you,
Love Helen
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Dear Pete
That’s exactly what it is a living nightmare.
Having to fly to Amsterdam to a flat he loved will be devastating for you, I’m so sorry.
My boy had just bought his first house a year before, it was small but gorgeous and he had a lovely wee garden, his car outside and a job he absolutely loved…its so hard that its taken away from them. I couldn’t go back to Scott’s house but I was very lucky that his dad felt comfort in being there and took care of all that.
It doesn’t get easier but it gets less raw, I was suicidal in the first months but a year on I’ve been on a city break with my other son, I’m enjoying work and I can meet friends…all things I didn’t think I could do again.
I miss him so so much, he had turned into such a good, decent human being and I was so proud of him. It feels unbearable but it will get easier to deal with, hang on in there.
Love Anne x
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Thank you Helen you always make me feel better . You give your time to comfort others .when you have your own grief thank you love zoe… thinkin of everyone i get great comfort amongst sams things . I sit in his room for comfort take care have a good day xxx
Hi Anne,
The words you have just said it doesn’t get easier but less raw is so very true. I am sure Scott will be so proud of you that you have coped ‘ish’…there will always be that’ish’ for us all but we have no choice but to keep going make them proud and be there for the other members of the family. My Sam was such a lovely human being so laid back he cold fall over and even now 5 years on I still change his flowers every week light his candle every night, and I will continue to do for as long
as I am able. We will all miss them throughout our life but we will meet them again when we close our eyes for the last time.
As I sit in Heaven and I watch you everyday
I try to let you know with signs that I never went away
I hear you when your laughing and watch you as you sleep
I even place my arm around you to calm you when you weep
I see you wish the days away begging to have me home
So I try to send you signs so you know you’re not alone
Heaven is truly beautiful, just you wait and see so live your life, laugh again, enjoy yourself be free, then I know with every breath you take you`ll be taking one for me
Love Helen
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Hi Kate,
Children like animals have that sixth sense, and yes Lisa will always be around Brooke.
Hope you and Alan are doing OK.
Love Helen
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We are Helen. Hope you are too.
We’ve had such lovely weather here for quite a while.
Quite unusual for this time of year in the Highlands.
Love to you.
Kate xx
Hi Zoe , wow that is amazing, no you would never normally have an arsenal balloon in a florists. Your grandson must have been so pleased with the balloon. I would feel so happy if I could have a sign like that.
It’s just been awful since Christmas , barely eating still and usually I get through by having a drink , but don’t even want to do that anymore, just have the knot in my stomach and the tight pain in my heart. I have been crying so much today I have a headache now , and does not seem like I am going to be able to sleep again either. Tried the lavender oil, mindfulness, talking to my boy and painkillers but nothing is helping. So here I am again on this wonderful site reading posts looking for some insight into this hell like life we are living. Does it really ever get better I ask myself. I try to be patient, there must be an end to all this intense pain, one way or another. That’s what I tell myself anyway. Hope you are managing to get through this difficult month . Love jss xx
Hi jss im awake to. It is hell .and i to have that knot in my stomach and pain in my heart .i dont know what to say jss .i try so hard.its like we waiting but there not coming im the opposite i binge eat . Which is not healthy.cant win .ive been sitting up till four in the morning.it has to get easier . This is like pure punishment . Have you been going out jss xx
No , not been going out much Zoe. To be honest some days I am just staying in bed all day, if I do get up I am just looking at the clock waiting to go back to bed. Don’t care about housework anymore, what’s the point anyway? I bent down the other day and my back went , I am sure it’s because I don’t do anything anymore, they say use it or loose it don’t they, I always used to keep fit but am just a wreck now. I feel like I have aged 20 years since May, and my brain is just too tired to think straight anymore. Can’t tell up from down anymore xx
I get that .your so mentally tired it drains you and makes you feel awful everything is an effort . I keep trying to tell myself sam would be upset with me for being so down .jss we have to try for our boys. Your boy would hate for you to be so sad. Even if you walk round the garden .breath in some air .where do live jss x
Oh jss why has this happened theres no answers .how old was your son . Play the song ella henderson brave …we be brave together me and you jss xxx
I live in wales , and I know he would be sad to see me upset, but we were so close I just feel awful I am here and he is there , where ever that is. You know you look after them all your life then you can’t help them anymore . I just feel I let him down , I can’t help him anymore. That’s my job to help him, I’m his mother, I should have gone first. He was such a caring , kind ,son , if I went away he would be phoning me all the time seeing how I was and when I would be coming home. He missed me and worried about me as much as I missed him when he was not there. I miss him so much now , but he is not coming back. It is too cruel . Maybe when this Covid situation changes and the weather gets better that will help, but in wales we are behind England with all that x
I think thats it jss like your son sam was a family boy .he never went out only to his sisters. I suppose coz he was a heart baby i wrapped him in cotten wall. He was so laid back and wise for his years im so very proud of him. I feel like you i want to know he is safe .and ok . . Thats what i need to know like you xx
Yes my son had health problems growing up to and I wanted to keep him safe and happy if I could. We never stop worrying about them do we. I listened to the song but I don’t feel brave. People say on here they feel broken, I feel beyond broken I feel like I have been crushed to dust , not able to be stuck back together like if I was just broken. 
this is just so hard isn’t it xx