I am absolutely certain and without doubt that was a sign from Sam. I think you are right he was encouraging you to keep going. In truth I do believe that that is all they would wish for us and us for them if the roles were reversed and believe me they should be. I shall leave it a few more months and see Marcus the medium again. I have no doubt that my stepdad will be with my Sam. Roy (my stepdad) had cognitive impairment they call it the forerunner to dementia, but he had not been checked properly or tested for the 4 years previous to him going and I had watched him getting more and more frail. 5 years ago he was driving Sam on a Monday down to oncology for his radiotherapy. At the end he couldnāt even stand but had to lean against a wall and drag himself along. I miss Sam more and more each day even though I have grandchildren and a loving husband I find it harder and harder to keep going waiting for some relief but the only relief you can get is what you make of your life that you think they will be proud of.
Yes it did I knew what he said was from Sam, he told me all about his scar from the operation, he was uncanny. I shall certainly see him again. He mentioned about Jason (Sams best friend) and told me Sam wanted to thank Jason for carrying the coffinā¦how would he know that? Jason and all the family stayed with Sam, I knew he would never have wanted to go anywhere but be at home so he stayed with meā¦I brought him into this Worldā¦
Dear Sally, Wynne and all,
I do look for signs from Gemma but Iām afraid I havenāt really had any for ages though I talk to her all the time.
I am wondering if anyone else copes by trying to keep busy? I do find that helpful giving myself less time to think.
As someone else said, the thought that this is it now for ever until it is my time to go is almost too much to bear.
Much love to you all xxx
Hi Victoria and all,
About coping, I am returning to work tomorrow just on reduces hrs for a while as Iām driving myself crazy at home itās been 10 weeks since Sam. I am hoping that being busy will help the constant reliving of everything. My husband went back after a month and thinks it has helped him in some ways. I am constantly looking for signs and also am hoping that now Samās birthday is passed we get some sort of respite till Xmas at least from the 1st of events.
We have had fatherās Day and his birthday in the last week. I find the support here a help.
Much love to you all
Sal xx
Wondering how you are all copying and pleased to hear that some of you have returned to work. I know how hard it is to take up the normal life again ā¦ it is so very hard and often it is the small things which catch me out at work. Hearing someone else called Daniel or seeing someone on my way to work who looks like him or walks like him. These long sunny days so perfect in many ways but also so cruel as we can no longer share them together. I have been finding lots of little white feathers and wonder if it is Daniel saying, come on mum, you can do it or were there always white feathers around and I just didnāt notice them before. Hoping you are all somehow finding a way through this agonising journey. Love Wynne
Hello Wynne,
The white feathers are without doubt from Daniel, itās his way of letting you know he is all around you. I have been asked to go back to work by my old company just 2 days a week doing admin work. Itās enough and its initially for 3 months. I can feel Sam all around me wherever I am so I know that he approves of me keeping trying. It is hard, I just signed in now and up came the first ever post I put on this site about Sam and itās made me cry, but I will get up in a minute and make a cup of tea talk out loud to Sam and know that he will answer me in my head.
Dear Wynne, Helen, Sally and others,
Lovely to hear from you today. I too have been finding lots of white feathers, so comforting. I am supposed to be going back to work beginning of August but not sure if I want to or not.
I am coping by not not thinking too much about what happened to Gemma and what she did, if that makes any sense. The Occupational Therapist says that is not good but that is the best way for me to cope and keeps me calm. I guess we
Hi Wynne,Helen,Victoria and all Mumās and Dads on this site.
We have been running our own business for around Twenty years now and I mainly answer the phone sorting out inquiryās taking orders etc etc which I did enjoy and the customers became more like friendsā¦we would have a good chat and be on the phone for ages and many a time I would look up to see my husband giving me daggersā¦but when Christian died it all stopped I just could not answer the phone and as kind as people were I just could not take there sympathyā¦now seven months on I am gradually beginning to answer the odd phone callā¦I am starting to be able to talk to people but if they bring up Christianās name the tears start welling up and I cannot carry on with the conversationā¦fortunately people can be very understandingā¦
Itās a world non of us thought we would have to cope with, and each and everyone of us have to cope in our own wayā¦life will never be the same as it was it could never be,
but we have to live it and enjoy it and keep their memories aliveā¦
Hi all, Iām still finding great comfort from all of your posts. I have been back In work for 2 weeks now on reduced hours and am finding it okay. Some things initially were very difficult such as my diary still being on the page of 13th April when I was called home from work but the distraction has been a relief in many ways. Other staff have been kind and I still have time to think of Sam and complete my small rituals such as lighting candles and looking through his stuff but itās not all consuming as it was.I just wanted to post this in case it helps anyone thinking of returning to work.
Sal
I too like you find it helps to work. I initially gave up in August '16 when my Sam was rediagnosed with another tumour but in a place they couldnāt operate. But back at the beginning of June my firm asked me to go back initially for 3 months twice a week. I
have enjoyed it the camaraderie and the comments āglad your back moonerā. Everyone called me mooner as my surname is moon. But I am finding it hard today and have been for the last few days as my stepdad died on the 9th June exactly 18 months to the day from Sam. Today is his funeral at the same place. so itās sending all the memories flooding back.
I have no choice but to try and cope but how is the question
Helen, that is a really difficult thing to deal with. The place, date etc I canāt imagine. Iām glad to hear how you feel about returning to work though as I was torturing myself a bit about how ārightā it was to be actually okay for the time Iām in work and enjoying the company and the sameness in a way of how things were before our Sam went. Thanks for sharing how you feel about work itās made me feel better.
Hugs,
Sal xx
Hello Helen Wynne and all,Its nice to know that some of you are coping a little bit and are keeping busey, It does make things a ibit easier. I am finding it realy hard at the moment and just cant seem to stop crying might be because its Dawns birthday on Sunday, I donāt know what it is about birthdays and anniversarys that makes it so sad as we have to live with it everyday anyway and every day is painful. Do you think we will ever get over these days? I still cannot watch Dawn on a video, still cannot play cds in the car although I love music it all still makes me want to cry. I just waiting to go on the qijo board again as my friend has just brought one off of ebay, last time it was like a phone line to heaven ,much better than any medium . Do you think its the right thing to do ? sometimes I feel realy guilty doing this With love Maddie xx
To Maddie and allā¦Christian died just before Christmas last year so December and January went by in a blurā¦then there was my birthday and Motherās day which I found very difficultā¦then my Husbandās birthday and Fatherās day which I equally found as hard and now this month it is Christianās birthday and Iām just falling to piecesā¦so knowing that many of you on here have had to endure that first birthday I was wondering how you managed to get through the dayā¦I know there is no option we just have to see it through but will it be as hard as I imagine it will beā¦We are having a family day and going for a meal just like we always did on his Birthday but this year to celebrate his lifeā¦ I am dreading it ā¦
I will be thinking of you Maddie on Sunday and anything which will bring you nearer to Dawn is the right thing to do and I hope it brings you peace of mindā¦I know what you mean re the cds like you I cannot listen to music anymoreā¦
With love to you and everyoneā¦Marina xxx
Hi maddie, marina and all,
I also cannot listen to any music but all in my family can so good ( but not if you know what I mean) to hear other mums struggle with this too. I hope it will improve. Since Sam died 3 months ago we have had his sisterās wedding, fatherās Day and Samās birthday. Each equally awful. We went for a family meal on his birthday as I was adamant we would do something happy as I had heard others saying this was what worked for them. Iām not sure that was the case for us, but there again what would have been different if we had sat home? I think itās really helpful to get others ideas and points of view on these occasions and coping as we are all just hoping and trying to make things more bearable and hopefully one day really laugh and be happy sometimes.
I remember someone on here saying about occasions that our children loved them so much so we need to try hard to again going forward it felt uplifting to hearā¤ļø
Keep posting, itās so reassuring that its all normal.
Sal xx
Hello Marina,
Sam died on the 9th December 2016, so up to now I have had 2 Christmasās,although the first of everything passed in a blur of tears 2 birthdays, 2 Mothers Dayās(I always put out my Mothers day card from him I kept them all so I have put a different one this year to last) and now in '18 I have it all again. In 2017 on October 17th (Samās birthday), I had had some balloons printed with messages from me on them and also some with messages from John my husband (though not Samās dad) and my mum. We let them off in the garden and then had a drink. My eldest boy came round but couldnāt face sending a balloon up (I still have Samās ashes here with me) and I light a candle every day and get roses (pink as that was his favourite colour) every week. So Geraint decided to do that he lit the candle and stayed and talked out loud to him I could hear him. Not for everyone I know but the build up to his birthday was worse than the actual day. On the evening we went out for a meal with his best friends and toasted Sam. Sam is all around me and I can feel him no sooner than I am thinking a question than the answer from Sam will pop in my head and exactly the way he would say it so I know itās him.
I get through as best as I can, there is many a time I have thought I donāt want to be here anymore but Sam would be so livid at me thinking that I have no choice but to keep going as best as I can and enjoy what I can. Sam is always leaving me feathers or coins and I as I have said before I know he is around me and will never leave. Christian will feel the same I am sure and will do what he can to let you know he is around you.
Hi All,
I was surprised to read these posts as I have been thinking about Gemmaās birthday which is not until February but I am already dreading it and Christmas. I think we might go away for Christmas as I couldnāt bear to be here without her.
What on earth have we done to deserve this terrible pain? I sometimes feel as though my life isnāt worth living, to know that my beautiful, sensitive girl was so sad that she took her own life is heartbreaking.
I am so sorry to be so negative but thatās how I feel. I would love to feel her close but I donāt, although I do find white feathers.
This site gives me great comfort so thank you ā¦ all of you xxx
Hello Victoria,
I know the pain you are going through on the anniversary of Samās death we go away to a Farmhouse in Cornwall with our two best friends. We go a few days before and have a few days there. I could not bear to be here in the house on that day. Sam died here at home with me (I know he did not want to go into hospital) and all his family was here and his very best friend of 20 odd years. For both of us the question rages why, but we dare not go there as it is the biggest black hole and one from which I know I would never escape if I let it swallow me.
Talking of music, Sam loved his music, I remember him saying when they all went snowboarding they sat on a ledge high up and could hear and see the Killers playing a concert below. I play some music and it brings him close, I remember when we decided to go to Cornwall he downloaded lots of music that I liked to his phone for me. I have such fantastic memories of Sam as he was a larger than life character so when I struggle each day I pull a memory out from my head and think of him and what he would say to me. Sam was originally told by the Oncologist after the first tumour was removedā¦you will not have a natural lifespan but you will have a lifeā¦and that was exactly what he did, he had already travelled the World but then carried on snowboarding (which he loved) and anything that took his fancy to do. He was lucky (if you can call it that)ā¦he was well right up to the middle of November thatās when he started to struggle with walking but even then the day before he died he eat me out of house and home laughed and joked (he went out to the downstairs toilet and leant over to push the button for the flush and slipped down the side of the toilet as his leg went (which would happen every now and then)ā¦I shouted for John who came running inā¦and Sam held up his hand and said āhelp me up mate Iāve been raped by a bleach bottle down hereāā¦where on earth do you find that kind of humour in that circumstance. He went off to bed, woke up the next morning was sick and fell into a coma and died the following day.
You mention that you find white feathers around. That is definitely a sign that Gemma is around you, talk out loud to her she will hear you. I have seen a medium twice now and the things he told me that Sam was saying only confirmed that it was Sam talking to him. He was the one who told me talk out loud he will hear you, he also said if for no reason you ask yourself a question in your head and get an answer straight back that is Sam.
I have done this and that is how I know it is Sam.
Hi Helenā¦Itās helps to know how other families cope with these anniversaries, in normal circumstances they are dates you look forward to but with all of us on this forum they fill you with tears and sorrowā¦and the awful thing is you are glad when they are overā¦ and I never thought I would feel that wayā¦
.
Like you I light a candle for Christian every eveningā¦I speak to him every day and tell him all the gossip which I know he would loveā¦
I think your son Geraint feels like my elder son Darren, he took it badly at first and was in complete shock and even now after nearly eight months I donāt think he has fully excepted it ā¦
I am not sure if butterflyās mean anything but every time I sit in the garden I have these
two creme butterflies just flying around me and I automatically think of Christianā¦