Hi Sallly and Marina and all , it is true we could sit at home on all the aniversarys and just cry, but it will not bring them back,so we have to do the best we can , We have been to her resting place today and brought new flowers and new white sparkley stones and it looks very modern just what I wanted as she was so young . then on Sunday which is her birthday we are taking her a balloon with the rest of the family then out for a meal , then my grandsons tractor show so it will be quite a busey day , so thatās all we can do realy is keep busey, Just hope she is looking down on us and knows how much we love and miss her every minute of every day ,and has left a massive hole in our hearts, that cannot be replaced. Love to all xx
Dear Helen,
I did have one lovely moment about two months ago when I was very very upset and said out loud āGemma where are you?ā Almost immediately I heard a voice in my head say āIām hereā. So that does give me hope.
I am so sorry you had to see Sam deteriorate ā¦ it must have been so difficult to cope with and I think you are immensely brave. Sam must have felt so comforted by your loving care.
I just try my bedtime each day and I guess that is all we can do.
With much love to you xxx
Hi Marina
Butterflies and robins I have a robin in my garden and I look out for him. No like Darren Geraint finds it hard to accept. His little boy Stan said something about he is a big brother now to the twins (Geraint has identical twin girls 14 months old)ā¦and Geraint said to him Iām a big brother as well like youā¦then looked at Hannah (his wife) and started to well up and said Iām not anymore am I. So I think itās hard for siblings. Itās hard for any of us. Like you Marina I try desperately to keep going. I have 5 close friends around me, but 1 especially she calls in when Iām not at work and texts every day.
So I am grateful to all the people around me.
With love
Helen
Hi Helen, its so lovely what you do to keep Sam close to you .Well we have just got through yesterday Dawns 49th birthday.And this year Ifound it harder than last year.I donāt know why ?perhaps I think the longer it goes on the worst it gets, because in reality we have accepted they are not coming back, but when Iam by myself I still cannot believe that our beloved Dawn has actualy gone , it just does not seem real she was such a fighter, she got through 19 operations one which we thought she would not get through which was a double twisted bowel . Everyone say it will get eaiser , I donāt think so Does anyone else feel like this, I think most people that say these words have not been through our horrendous journey. Take care Maddie xx
Dear Maddie, Helen and everyone,
Well done Maddie for getting through Dawnās birthday. It must have been a very difficult day for you. It is amazing how much we are able to get through even though we have little choice.
Maddie, I am not finding it any easier. Last week I was sobbing most of the week I miss my beautiful girl so much.
But something lovely happened this evening. We have Gemmaās dog now and I walk him in the grounds of a stately home in the village. I talk to Gems while I am walking there and this evening I asked her to send me a sign to let me know that she was okay.
Minutes later an elderly lady came walking towards me smiling and started chatting. I never see anyone else there and I just knew instantly that Gemma had sent her somehow as a sign. It really did give me such a lift.
Take care everyone xxx
Hi Victoria
It was hard for me to see Sam like that but fortunately for him and me it was a relatively short period only about 3 weeks out of the 4 years. I speak out loud to Sam and when the answer pops in my head I know that it is him. Sam was such a loving kind soul that would do anything for anyone, which is why although I never realised he had so many friends. Theyāve put up a plaque in his local pub where he went with his mates. I know that whatever happens I did my level best for Sam and thank you for saying yes I know he felt safe and secure with me. As he slipped into a coma I said to himā¦I love you Sam and although his voice was faint it was audible he said ālove you tooā which is something he always said to me and even now I say love you Sam that is the reply I get in my head. Gemma too will be around you she has said that to you, keep talking out loud and she will reply.
With love Helen
Dear Helen, Maddie and all others on this path, I have been finding it so very hard these past few weeks as the reality seems to have finally dawned on me that Daniel is not coming back ever. I have been having vivid dreams about him and then when I wake of course I am plunged back into this world where he is not here. Do any of you have dreams? And what do they mean. This time of the year when the days are long and warm were always Danielās favourites. The tennis and the football World Cup he would have so much enjoyed. It is lovely to hear about how others feel their sons and daughters are close to them and send messages. If only we could go back in time. Life has changed so much and the heart feels so heavy. The tears continue to flow and the agony of being apart seems at times just too much. Keeping you in my thoughts. Love Wynne
Hi Wynne and everyone
Itās strange you should mention dreamsā¦I have never dreamt of Christian but the other night I dreamt I was stood at the kitchen door which was partially closed someone tried to push the door open, I said āhang on a secondā for I was having trouble putting some shoes on,I then opened the door and Christian was stood thereā¦then in a flash the dream had gone and I was awakeā¦can anyone interpret dreams?..
I thought when the summer came I would find things easier to accept but it as had the opposite effect,what with the exceptional summer,the World Cup all the things our Sonās/Daughters would have lovedā¦Itās so unfairā¦
With love to allā¦Marina xxx
Hello Wynne & Marina and all
I too like you had such a vivid dream about Sam he was stood there and I was talking to a friend saying how well he looked. When I woke I realised it was a dream but it was so vivid I could touch Sam. I have asked Marcus and he said it is one of the ways they will let you know that they are OK. Like you Wynne I too find it hard each day I tell Sam things and say to him Iām struggling and I miss him and he says straight back Iām here always will be. So I pick myself up and carry on. Only this morning John and I were talking about him and about how he had an ability to read people very easily and a butterfly hovered just by us so I know Sam is with me, but sometimes Iām greedy and that is not enough, I miss him every single waking hour.
With love
Helen
Hello, Wynne Helen, and Victoria , and all, I am finding it very difficult trying to carry on without my beloved Dawn, I donāt which time of year is worse the winter months are so depressing and the awful long evenings , reminds me of the awful dark days when she passed , or the lovely summer days we are getting now. as I have just got home from a day out sitting on Southsea beach crying my eyes out thinking Dawn should be here. You are right Wynne we have to except that they are not coming back , but its so hard, I cannot sleep at the moment as I keep getting flash backs of Dawn taking her last breath and its the worst thing ever, I donāt think I will ever forget it ,sorry to be so depressing just a bad time at the moment, I think it must be the month of July as its the month of her birthday and I keep thinking when she was born and what a beautiful baby she was . With love Maddie x
Hi Maddieā¦Just want to say I too was down at Southsea Beach today and like many places it brought back so many happy memories which today brought nothing but sadnessā¦ and like you and Dawn, it is also Christianās Birthday this month, this coming Fridayā¦Thinking of you and everyone on this forumā¦With Love Marina xx
Hi Marina, thankyou for your kind words, it was such a lovely day and just sitting by the sea seeing mothers with their sons and daughters, just brings it home to you, will be thinking of you on Friday Christians birthday. What will you be doing on this very sad day ? With love Maddie xx
Dear Maddie, Marina, Wynne and all,
So sorry to hear your distress, Maddie. I do wish I could give you a big hug.
You have been through so much and my heart goes out to you. Life has been so cruel to us all and I think we have to do whatever gets us through. I imagine that Gemma is still living in her little house with her boys as that keeps me calm.
A friend gave me the following advice which also helps me ā¦ when you are having a bad day just tell yourself that tomorrow is a new day.
Sending lots of love to you all xxxx
Oh Maddie,
All on here know how you feel and all have had the bad times but all of us are here for you, yes all our children should be here itās not the right order, they should be seeing us out. It is so hard but you can be assured you will see Dawn again. It is hard to keep going but we have no choice we have to for our other loved ones and Dawn I am sure like Sam would want you to do that.
Write again Maddie
With love Helen
Hi Helen, and others , today has been realy painful ,my husband had an appointment at Southamton General hospital, and I must say I wasent looking forward to it ,as the last time we went there Dawn was just getting slightly better after spending 3months there, we had to go on holiday without her, and the day we got back from holiday that was the first place we went ,and there she was sitting in a wheelchair inside the front door she looked awful but atleast we had her back as a person . I could not face going back to Winchester hospital, as her famous last words were donāt let me go back ti Winchester they will kill me off, and thatās where she passed,so we went in the side door of General,while sitting waiting for my husband silently thinking about all the painful months we spent there with her trying to get her back the way she was, we did for 4 months ,and I feel thankful for that . love Maddie xx
Oh Maddie
How awful for you, the reminders are constant. Everywhere we look we can see something to remind us. My stepdad passed away on the 9th June exactly 18 months to the dayā¦weāve now had his funeral and I wondered how I would get through as it was at the same crematorium as Sam, but luckily (if thatās the right word) for me in another section to where Sam was. But even then my thoughts drifted back to Sam. My stepdad had dementia, cognitive impairment and kept falling, this all started about 4 years ago, so it was gradual and I would say a release for him.
I am so glad you feel thankful for having Dawn back the way she was, those are the memories we have to keep. I had Sam with me here he hated hospitals so I knew he would never go back after the operation and radiotherapy. He had nearly 4 years after the operation and lived life to the full throughout, His passing was very quick woke up on the Thursday morning and was sick and slipped into a coma throughout Thursday and died with all his family and his very best friend around him on the Friday at 12 noon
with love Helen
Dear Helen, Maddie and all,
You have been so brave as it is very difficult revisiting places with such bad memories and Helen is right, we should try and focus on good memories. It is six months today since we lost Gemma so another hard day to get through.
My other daughter and I went to see āMama Miaā yesterday ā¦ oh my goodness it is so emotional, we were both sobbing and had to emerge from the cinema with our sunglasses on! But we both said how Gem would have laughed at us.
I have started staying up later at night after my husband has gone to bed and quietly thinking about Gemma, remembering all the little things about her and I also talk to her. It is strange but somehow makes me feel so much closer to her and calms me.
I hope you both get through the day okay.
Much love xxx
Hello Victoria
Like you I talk to Sam all the time, today I came home and had a go at John not his fault but then in my head I heard Sam say mum you are an idiot say sorry!!
I think about all the memories and you are so right it does bring you closer, itās not strange and yes it calms me too. So Iām afraid I donāt care how weird (if thats the right word) people think I am I will continue to talk with Sam
with love Helen
Hello All
Having a really bad day todayā¦so I found this and changed some of the words.
To My Darling Son
Youāve walked on ahead of me and I have to understand you have to release the ones you love and let go of their hand.
I try and cope the best I can but Iām missing you so much. If I could only hear your laughter and see your cheeky smile once more.
Donāt worry, Iāll do the best I can but now and then I swear I feel your presence here to help me through.
Wait for me Sam Iāll soon be there and we can laugh and joke just like we used to do.
My love forever your heartbroken mum
Hi Helenā¦I was having quite a fairly good day until I read your poem and now I am in floods of tearsā¦I think the words say everything that everyone of us on this forum are and always will be feelingā¦If I knew for certain that Christian will be waiting for me when I go, then all the tears,the sadness and grief I feel will have been worth itā¦
I hope tomorrow is a better day for us all
With love to you Helen and everyoneā¦Marina xxx