Hi Jess…I know that feeling, my husband was frantically doing CPR on our son but to no avail, when the ambulance came it was to late…I will never forget that phone call when my husband said he’s gone…even now just relating it to you makes me cry.
Like you say there is no answer you feel you can’t cope with life, but there is no option, you have family and you have to live your life for them…It will get easier in time, but they are always at the for front of your mind.
With love Marina xxx
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Dear Kath, I am so sorry you have lost your lovely girl. One week is no time at all and you are still in shock. I hope you get a proper diagnosis but that us for another day. For now just do whatever you can to get through one day at a time … baby steps. It does get easier and you will become calmer.
You are among friends here and we have also suffered the loss of our precious children so I think we really understand each other.
Take care of yourself and post at any time. Much love to you 
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Oh Helen thats so lovely means alot .i hope its true . Your pretty amazing you always have a positive . I hope in time this will get easier …my good friend has just lost her mum shes asked me yo go dorset for a few days …its mad but home is my comfort blanket . Thank you for your kindness sending you love and hugs .your sam would be so proud of you xx zoe xx
Hi jss
I know we close in grief .i always think about you the tablets might help calm you .i take anti depressants . I am also on a cancer tablet which slows me down .it dont hurt to ask for help its such a horrific trauma. Sending you my love jss xxx love zoe xx
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Hi Zoe I am so sorry you have the extra trauma of cancer , that must be such a worry for you and the rest of your family as well. I hope The tablets are successful and everything goes well for you. it’s so difficult looking after yourself properly with this grief and you will need to , to get well again. Take care love jss xx
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Hi marina thanks for your kind words . My son still lived at home although he was grown up ,so triggers are everywhere, his bedroom, his clothes, food he liked in the cupboard, his music stuff. I should not be so selfish I know, and as you say think about my family , but my head is so full of guilt for getting everything wrong (that’s how I feel anyway). Everyone else seems to be getting over it, but I just blame myself so can’t move on. I was his mom so I should have known , guessed , sensed whatever, done better anyway. We were so close how could I not get it right. My doctor says it was not my fault and I will get over the guilt soon , if only !
Sorry to be such a downer. Jss xx
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You didn’t do anything wrong at all you did everything you thought was right for your son, no doctor could have done more…I had guilt and still have but deep down like me you would have willingly given your life instead of his…these pangs of guilt will stay with us forever even though we did nothing wrong we will always keep punishing ourselves.
It’s such early days for you but given time the pain will slightly ease, it will never go away but you will start to be able to feel like living your life again
Thinking of you…love Marina xxx
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hello JSS
Your doctor is right, please please don’t blame yourself, at the moment you are almost in that black hole. Believe me it s so hard to climb out of, I know because I was in there too at one point. It is 5 years now for me and although I still get bouts of what if and why and why not me instead of Sam, I recognise that I am starting to climb back in to that black hole and I gradually pull myself back. I do that because I know Sam would not want that for me, he would expect me to live my life and look after his brother and my grandchildren then when I close my eyes for the last time he wil be there waiting. Your son would expect that of you, he loves you, that bond of love of a mother and child cannot ever be broken.
Love Helen
Dear Kath, Zoe and all friends.
I think we all blame ourselves including me. I have sat up for hours at night going through everything that happened in minute detail, torturing myself. Then slowly I learnt to switch those thoughts off but of course it is not always possible and at times they spring back into my mind, though less often.
The bond between a parent and child can never be broken. Your beloved children will always be yours and that love will remain. Hang on to that. To get me through the early weeks I used to pretend that Gemma was still alive and would think of her being in her lovely house, taking Charlie to school and going about her day and that helped me.
I do think that somehow your body helps by shutting off some of the pain (I hope that makes sense). My love goes out to you all
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My daughter was convinced it was the covid vaccine that made her ill.She had shortness of breath blood clots on her lungs and she was making too many anti bodies that attacked her immune system.She had been in hospital for six months.But nobody could explain why?from being fit and healthy to being bed ridden and unable to feed herself.I expect you always want someone to blame.But it’s soul destroying.
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This is how it is:
I am a mother. I am a bereaved mother.
My child died, and this is my reluctant path.
It is not a path of my choice, but it is a path I must walk mindfully and with intention.
It is a journey through the darkest night of my soul and it will take time to wind through the places that scare me.
Every cell in my body aches and longs to be with my beloved child. On days when grief is loud, I may be impatient, distracted, frustrated, and unfocused.
I may get angry more easily, or I may seem hopeless. I will shed many, many, many tears.
I won’t smile as often as my old self. Smiling hurts now. Most everything hurts some days, even breathing.
But please, just sit beside me.
Say nothing.
Do not offer a cure.
Or a pill, or a word, or a potion.
Witness my suffering.
Don’t turn away from me.
Please be gentle with me.
And I will try to be gentle with me too.
I will not ever “get over” my child’s death so please don’t urge me down that path.
Even on days when grief is quiescent, when it isn’t standing loudly in the foreground, even on days when I am even able to smile again, the pain is just beneath the surface.
There are days when I still feel paralyzed. My chest feels the sinking weight of my child’s absence and, sometimes, I feel as if I will explode from the grief.
Losing my child affects me in so many ways: as a woman, a mother, a human being. It affects every aspect of me: spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are days when I barely recognize myself in the mirror anymore.
Grief is as personal to me as my fingerprint. Don’t tell me how I should or shouldn’t be grieving or that I should or shouldn’t “feel better by now.” Don’t tell me what’s right or wrong. I’m doing it my way, in my time. If I am to survive this, I must do what is best for me.
My understanding of life will change and a different meaning of life will slowly evolve.
What I knew to be true or absolute or real or fair about the world has been challenged so I’m finding my way, moment-to-moment in this new place.
Things that once seemed important to me are barely thoughts any longer. I notice life’s suffering more- hungry children, the homeless and the destitute, a mother’s harsh voice toward her young child- or an elderly person struggling with the door.
There are so many things about the world which I now struggle to understand: Why do children die? There are some questions, I’ve learned, which are simply unanswerable.
So please don’t tell me that “ God has a plan ” for me. This, my friend, is between me and my God. Those platitudes slip far too easily from the mouths of those who tuck their own child into a safe, warm bed at night: Can you begin to imagine your own child, flesh of your flesh, lying lifeless in a casket, when “goodbye” means you’ll never see them on this Earth again?
Grieving mothers- and fathers- and grandparents- and siblings won’t wake up one day with everything ’okay’ and life back to normal. I have a new normal now.
As time passes, I may gain gifts, and treasures, and insights but anything gained was too high a cost when compared to what was lost.
Perhaps, one day, when I am very, very old, I will say that time has truly helped to heal my broken heart. But always remember that not a second of any minute of any hour of any day passes when I am not aware of the presence of my child’s absence, no matter how many years lurk over my shoulder, don’t forget that I have another one, another child, whose absence, like the sky, is spread over everything as C.S. Lewis said …
“My child may have died; but my love - and my motherhood - never will.”
Deborah 
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So so accurate Victoria
Love Chris
xx
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Thank Helen, your words made me cry , in a good way, it gave me a bit of hope xx jss xx
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Just horrendous. So many unanswered questions. It doesn’t make sense.
We also thought Lisa had covid but in June 2019 no-one had heard of it. The more I think about it, the more I think that it was around in Europe earlier.
We will never know.
Love to you.
Kate x
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Im ok jss im in remission. I had breast cancer in 2018 .im good .thank you everyone for all your lovely words xx love zoe xx
Beautiful words Deborah , I sure this is how we are all feeling. Our hearts are well and truly broken Love to you all Maddie xxx
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I believe that its very hard having to sort our loved ones effects and dispose of them ?
When my wife died over 20 years ago . I asked 2 of my kids?to help me and i also asked them if there was anything they wanted in their mums memory?
They both took items , supposedly of sentimental value, but they qere sold by then very soon for money.
I gave all the clothes to charity and all the time I was sorting christine’s clothes, i was in tears. My kids couldn’t care less and left me alone. I still have a?couple of items of christine’s clothing , and i will keep them until i pop off, like she did?
. I send you all hugs, to give you strength in your moments of hurt and grieving. Keith the singing poet xx
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Dear Keith, you are right … sorting out our loved one’s possessions is the hardest thing to do. I’m sorry that dealing with your wife’s things was so hard. It is lovely to keep a few special things.
I found it too hard emptying my daughters house but fortunately my husband and Gemma’s ex husband were so good and it all got done. I have kept quite a lot and made memory boxes for her boys. Big hugs to you xxx
Hi Keith…Lovely to hear from you.,I think having to sort out your loved ones possessions is so difficult and heartbreaking and I have to confess it was something I could not do so all of Christian’s clothes and computer equipment are locked away in a little room in his bedroom, I know when the time comes to sort them out it will be like losing him all over again and I’m not prepared or ready to do that yet,but one day maybe!!
Thank you so much for your kind words.Take care Marina xxx
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