Hi Marina
I’m so sorry to upset you I was having a really bad day, and I looked into that black hole that’s called grief, it’s never far from the surface. For me I know that Sam will be there waiting. He was there when my stepdad died…Dad went into the hospital on the Monday and as I walked from my mum’s house to the ambulance dad was already sleeping in the ambulance I heard Sam say as clear as day I’ll look after him now mum and I knew he would’t be coming home. He died on the following Saturday.
I shall go and see Marcus again soon, what makes it worse for me is my other son has absolutely slaughtered me verbally (I think personally he hasn’t grieved just carried on) and so the explosion of anger was directed at me. He hasn’t spoken to me since about a week now and not apologised.
So life at the moment is absolute rubbish…to say the least I have a very good husband and fantastic friends so I shall get through.
Hi Helen, I’m sorry that you’re feeling so low and other stuff is not helping. In your posts, you often seem so positive and strong, you help many to find ways to cope although I am certain your pain is as raw as ever, (as my own feels) Each day is hard enough to get through most of the time as we find ways to keep going. There are so many aspects to our loss not least the way it has affected other close members of the family. After getting through so much and then feeling supported, I feel that they sometimes become unpredictable and it makes me feel uneasy. I hope things settle down.
Love to all x
Dear All,
It feels like we are all struggling at the moment and my heart breaks for us all.
I was wondering what we each do to make ourselves feel a little better. I saw my my eldest grandson, Coren, today. He has just turned 22 and when his mummy passed away my husband and I helped him move into his own little flat. He is now settled and that is a huge relief to me. He even had a barbecue at the weekend for his friends! So I think of him and how he is bravely living his life.
I must admit it doesnt always work and I sometimes find I just have to retreat under the duvet.
Such a hard road we all have to walk and sending you all much love xxx
Hi Helen…Sadness and grief effects us in so many ways and each of us try’s to cope with it in our own way even if it means upsetting the people that we love the most…not long after Christian had died my elder son reacted in the same way as your son is now,after a week he eventually came out of the fowl mood he was in, but there was no apology,I don’t think he realised how much he had upset me,it was only afterwards I understood this was his way of coping with his brother’s death…There are times that my husband and I speak sharply to one another where as one time we would have laughed it off we now find ourselves going into a sulk.
It’s hard… but I think as a Mother we have to cope with all the family’s grief and upset, we have always had to and I suppose we always will…
Hoping you feel better today…With Love…Marina xxx
Hello Helen, and all, just wanted to say Helen what lovely words, you have put it what we are all feeling.Oh Helen like you and a few others I have fallen out with my daughter I love her to bits , but even my granddaughter told me today that I am taken it too far , I know they are grieving in their own way, but I don’t think they know how bad I am missing my lovely Dawn, she was my rock . We are keeping ourselves really busey , but the pain never goes away. . Life has changed so much , the sparkle of doing anything has gone . With love Maddie
Hello Bir, Marina Maddie & Victoria
Just to say thank you all for listening, I’m still struggling a bit so I went back to my usual retreat, cleaned the house from top to bottom, and moved all the furniture around. Marmaduke my cat (Sam gave him to me for my birthday in April 2013 just after his first operation) so he is very very spoilt doesn’t like it but then cats are creatures of habit. Whilst doing all the cleaning I chatted away to Sam about Ger and his attitude…then John came home early and said that Geraint (that’s my eldest) had rung him to say that John had tried to facetime him…did he want anything? John doesn’t do facetime, he does phone calls and at a push does a text! So I know Ger is trying to see how the land lies…John made a point of saying no sorry Ger I didn’t realise I had done that. I have spoken out loud to Sam about Ger since it happened, the first night my box made of shells was open on the bathroom windowsill (it always happens when I’m upset) so I know it’s Sam’s way and I could feel him so strongly around me for the last week. Then Dee my best friend hasn’t left my side…so I am sure Sam has had a hand in this somehow, don’t know how.
my poems are a coping mechanism for me. I wouldn’t want to upset anyone with my words.
Very soon I shall do as Sam keeps repeating to me in my head…mum enjoy the rest of your life and I’ll see you in 20 years…I can wait. He always was a very patient person and I am proud I had him as my son for 34 years.
Oh Helen,
I will always listen as we all will. Just so hard for us and we all have to find our own way through our pain and we are here for each other.
I think it is lovely to write poetry and an amazing way to express your feelings.
Sam sounds like a lovely son and you were so close so I am sure your relationship with Geraint will heal.
I love to think that our beautiful children are still around and it is just that we can not see them. I talk to Gemma all the time and I always feel closer to her afterwards.
Take care lots of love to you xxx
Thank you for being there Victoria and for those kind words they were what I needed, Maddie like you I know the pain of falling out with the other child, they are wrapped up in their grief as we are. Geraint has been very aggressive in his words toward me and also my best friend who helps me look after the twins I could not do right for wrong (this all happened over the twins they are 14 months old and I have them on a Thursday afternoon, so as I said to his wife I am taking a step back because of the situation I will not have the twins on a Thursday again It’s hard really hard but it is the only way I can bring him to his senses. We will see, Sam keeps talking to me in my head and then he’ll say…you know what Ger’s like and I do…so we will see I have never pulled Ger up this way before. But believe me I don’t need this especially now.
Thank you all for your support, and thank you for being there.
Dear Helen, you are always so supportive and understanding, of course we are here for you. I’m sure in time Geraint will be as well, but anything like you have described is so hard because we are coping with so much already .
As others have said, I also have had some difficult times with my daughter after Chris’ death. She was amazing supportive during the first year, but has been quite fragile this year. She says she darent grieve as she has to hold her own family together, and that she will do it in her own time and own way but is often hard to get through to, and can suddenly snap at me, the children or the dog for no apparent reason.
The loss of a sibling is such significant thing, my daughter said once that Chris was the only person who had shared her childhood, and I know they had great times talking over childish things that as adults, we were unaware, or saw through adult eyes. I know she desperately misses him .
All we can do is persevere. You are so good Helen at keeping positive, thinking of you for better times.
How I wish we could all find some peace,
Love Anneka x
Oh Anneka
Thank you for your kind words, it is hard, I know that Geraint has not dealt with Sam’s death at all, he’s just carried on…so yes for now it is hard. Our lives have changed there has been so much to deal with, Sam, then exactly 18 months to the day my stepdad, and then on top of that Ger, but as Sam keeps telling me in my head…you are right Anneka all we can do is persevere, because that is what Sam would want. I know Sam wants me to get on, so I will try.
Dear Helen, Anneka, Marina and all, I have being reading all the last few posts and it so sad to know that we are all continuing to be suffering the enormous loss of our darling children as I feel so many of my friends have moved on and expect me to be the person I was before Daniel left us. I feel the pain of your posts and it is so hard when those close to us in our families are struggling too. As time goes on the pain instead of reducing just seems to go deeper and the struggle to carry on remains as hard as ever. I loved your poem Helen, and I truly wish with all my heart that we will be one day united with our children. In the meantime I continue to look for signs and hope that we all can find some hope in the future. My heart went out this week to the parents who lost the little girl in the rock fall. Why is life so very cruel? I send all of you love. Wynne
Dear Helen, Wynne, Mandy and all,
My GP says to me recently ‘you are not the same person you were before Gemma passed away and you friends and colleagues will have to get used to the changed you’. Although this was hard to hear at the time I now know what she meant. I feel as though I now live my life with an undercurrent of sadness.
I do try hard for the sake of my husband and my other three children, as I am sure we all do. But there is no doubt we have a difficult road ahead especially when dealing with others emotions and life can become fractious.
I hope we all manage to have a peaceful weekend.
Much love to you all xxxx
Hello Vctoria and All
Victoria I think your GP is right, we are changed, I know I do not tolerate people whingeing about stupid little things that in the great scheme of things are completely unimportant and my tolerance level is below zero. Yet my friends are still by my side and for that I am very lucky. Geraint (my son) and I have still not spoken, and I do feel for him but I cannot deviate from this course, I need him to grieve to cry if he can. I know it will be better in the long run. I feel a bit better today a bit brighter but as we all know it can change in a minute. I’ve talked out loud to Sam asking him to help me with Ger we’ll see.
With love to you all, thank you for helping me your words really helped me.
Hello Helen and All,
I do hope things are resolved sooner rather than later for you. A bit of time apart sometimes softens the situation enough to resume relations, but also it can deep root and became more problematic.
Our relationship with our son-in-law has become strained since he is now in a new relationship which although I knew would be inevitable, has been difficult to incorporate into our lives. He does want us on board and our Grandaughter seems to like her. Everything in life seems alien, or maybe I’m now an alien??
I don’t want to be this person who daughter has passed away.
Love to all
Xx
Dear Bir, Helen, Annette and all others, I am sorry to hear about the strained relationships with other members of the family. It seems so cruel that on top of all the loss we have endured that emotions continue to flare up and cause more pain. Next week we are going to my nephew’s wedding and as the time draws closer I am not sure how I will cope. I use to be such an outgoing person who loved social occasions but since losing our darling boy I find being with groups of more than four people very challenging. I wonder how others have coped. I know one should feel happy for the newly weds but I can’t help thinking that we will never be able to attend our sons wedding or watch him become a dad. How does one keep the emotion in check? Is it okay to cry and feel jealous? How I wish that clock could be turned back to those carefree days. This new life is so very hard and exhausting. The questions will always remain … why, why, why. I really do wish somehow that we can get through this agony and that some light can return. With love Wynne
Hello Wynne,
I went to my zumba class this morning, and as I’ve mentioned before in another post there is a lady there who lost her daughter. Today would have been her daughter’s 44th birthday. Her daughter died when she was 9 of an asthma attack. Like she said today you don’t get “over it” you learn to cope with your loss then gradually the hurt becomes less and you become more able to cope. She’s had 34 years to learn to cope, I haven’t got 34 years left. Try Wynne to do the very best you can at the wedding it is what Daniel would expect from you. Always think as I do with Sam what would he want?
To Wynne,Helen and everyone.
There was an article in yesterday’s newspaper about trying to cope with the death of a child, and a bereavement councillor wrote that the death of a child of any age takes away not just their future but the parents too…I thought that was so true, though we still have our life ahead of us it is a totally different life to the one that we knew…I used to love and get excited over special occasions…now I except them and glad when they are over.
I am sure Wynne that the wedding won’t be the ordeal that you think ,there may be tears but that’s allowed…like Helen said, Daniel would expect it of you, so go and make him proud…
Love to everyone…Marina xx
Dear Wynne, Helen and Marina,
I feel exactly the same as you, Wynne. Since losing my Gemma I have become much more withdrawn. My husband says that I have changed so much and I too struggle in social situations now.
I love Marina’s comment ‘go and make Daniel proud’ and I would echo that. Hopefully it won’t be as difficult as you fear. We have to be brave for our darling children.
Much love to you all xxxx
Hi all,
I also feel the same and struggle to find a way forward. Trying to remain positive on the outside. Feels like watching everything through a window.
Sal xx