You are so right SallyOwl and got it in 1 watching life through a window. How do we cope? We have to cope because all of our children would expect it…they would expect nothing less. I for one have to keep going despite all the crap (please excuse the French!!) for Sam I would not want him to feel that I had let him down…he tried so hard…and was always cheerful and would help anyone so I have a lot to live up to!!
with love Helen
That’s lovely way to look forward Helen I am really trying as I’m sure we all are and I feel that there will be good times ahead as our Sam would be furious with us all if we didn’t live life with as much vigour as he always did. 4 months on I wonder with amazement how we have ever got through it but we have.
Many thanks for your words they have picked me up xxx
Dear Helen, Sally and all,
Your words also gave me a boost, Helen and Sally you are right when you say we must live the rest of our lives with the vigour our children did.
My grandsons, Coren and Charlie are my inspiration and reason for living.
Much love xxx
Dear Helen, Wynne, Sal, Bir and all,
I have been wondering how you all are? I can identify with Sal when she describes watching life through a window. I also feel like that.
It was my birthday on Monday and I was dreading it but got through it with the help of friend and my family.
I have also started anti depressants so hoping they will lift my mood a little although nothing will bring my Gemma back.
Much love to you all xxxx
Hello Victoria
I hope you had as good a day as possible. You’re right I thought too when Sal said about watching life through a window how apt that description was. Anti depressants for me
are not good as they will only mask the pain I feel, and I would rather try and get through without. Sam would be horrified so I always think what would Sam say or what would Sam think? My elder boy cannot even face me and does not speak…probably because he knows he was in the wrong with his shouting and swearing at me again I think he never grieved properly for Sam just carried on and it usually comes back and bites you and so I let him be. It’s hard but I have good support from John my husband and my friends. It is almost impossible to imagine yourself on this planet without your children but we are and we have to be. My heart goes out to you Victoria, on the 9th December this year it will be 2 years without Sam for me but it seems like yesterday. We will go away again to Cornwall with our good friends and I try hard to enjoy myself as best as I am able. Sam would expect that. This is what John said about Sam…
We lost my stepson Sam Bater aged 34 December 9th to a brain tumour. His funeral is being held at Westerleigh Crematorium Thursday 22nd at 3:30.
IN MEMORY OF ‘OUR SAM’
Sam taught us a life lesson, how he dealt with his brain tumour that took his life was so brave. We never saw him complain not even once, never got angry. He never blamed anyone or asked why me? He kept his great sense of humour and his pride right to the end. He lived each day to the full never ever looking beyond tomorrow. He lived his 34 years travelling the World as a free spirit.
In the way he dealt with the last 4 years showed us all how he would want us to deal with our grief. Be brave enjoy your life to the full and keep smiling for yourself and Sam.
God Bless you my best mate Sam…Gibbo
Dear Helen, VIctoria and all mums and dads, It is less than 24 hours to the wedding and it really helped to hear your thoughts. I know that we want to make our children proud like you have said and so I will do my very best to do just that but already I can feel the emotions building. Daniel would love so much to be sharing this special time and it is so very hard that he can no longer be part of these special occasions. I too feel that I am looking through a glass window at life now. Wishing that the clock could be turned back I know it just fulfill but the pain remains as intense as ever. Sending love to you all. Wynne
Oh Wynne,
For Daniel’s sake try very hard…and in your head talk to Daniel he will hear you and you’ll get a reply back. Wishing you all the very best…I know how hard it is these family occasions, people forget and have no clue as to the emotions you are going through
with love
Helen
Wynne, it will be difficult that’s for sure. My heart goes out to you, on this special family occasion. Daniel will be with you, that I have no doubt, I hope there’s a sign to prove it, but even without it, hold on to the fact that he will be sharing this day. I hope you all get through it, enjoy what you can. I’ll be thinking of you. X
Dear all, I wonder how you are all doing?. The wedding was a special occasion and although our Daniel was not with us physically we could feel his presence. I tried so hard to make him feel proud although it was difficult and many tears flowed. But another milestone has come and passed. I know there will be many others but I hope that in time it may get a bit easier and we will find peace again. I still dream of Daniel and continue to wake thinking it has all been a nightmare but then realised that the nightmare is real. So many questions with no answers. How do we carry on in this new reality? As the nights draw in again I dread the winter darkness. Sending love Wynne
Hi Wynne well done on trying so hard at the wedding and yes another milestone. I also attended a wedding last weekend where our Sam was supposed to be a groomsman in Scotland. Seeing his dad and all the others in their kilts I thought how handsome he would have looked but managed to hold it in and appear cheerful I hope. I too am dreading the winter and the next hurdle my first birthday since we lost him in a few weeks. Still always glad to see a post on here remembering our wonderful children even if it’s so sad.
Love to you all,
Sal
Dear Sally, Wynne, Helen and everyone,
Well done for getting through the weddings and trying so hard to be cheerful. Who would have ever thought that we would be in the position of having to ‘get through’ family events?
I too am dreading the dark nights and am currently in a state about whether to return to work or not? I haven’t been back since losing Gemma and am dreading having to face everyone. I was determined to return and try to get back into a ‘normal’ life but am beginning to realise that life has changed so much for me, I have changed and feel so adrift I don’t know how to be or what to do.
We have had Charlie to stay a fair bit over the summer and that has been so lovely. But still my heart breaks when I look into his little face and remember how much his mummy loved him and what went wrong.
Love to all xxxx
Oh Victoria
my heart goes out to everyone on this site…we shouldn’t be here it does seem strange that we have to dread family events, like you Wynne, there are weddings coming up and I will have no option but to plaster on a smile with a trowel…Geraint my eldest is still hiding away. I saw Marcus the medium today and again he was uncanny in what he said maybe though I shouldn’t go anymore I’mt thinking. It has made me very down what with that and everything. Sam came through loud and clear and said he was appalled at Ger and I had to let him sit in his own middy puddle…which I shall but still I have enough hurt with Sam gone without that. I also know that Sam is always here with me. So maybe I have to let him be.
with love Helen
Dear Victoria,
I have been back in work for 2 months now and am glad of the distraction. It is only the last 2 weeks or so that I seem to have got under control the feeling of how can everything here in work be exactly the same as it was before this happened. I realise that as amazing as my colleagues have been life just goes on for everyone else except us. I try to do my grieving at home with family and a few close friends and do the job when in work and actually it’s been okay. I think I would have drove myself crazy at home by now even though there are days that are difficult to get there. This is just how I feel and I know is different for all of us - facing people initially was a worry of mine but was okay.
The wedding was a tough one but I’m not so anxious about bumping into people as I was and feel as though I’m better at acting in this big play now whether that’s right or wrong I have no idea.
Much love
Salx
Dear Sal,
I think that because Gemma took her own life I feel (right or wrong) that people may judge us and that is partly what makes me so anxious.
I have worked there for 15 years, they know me well and how much I loved her but I dread people talking about it.
I will try to go back. I work on a children’s hospital ward which can be sad, but will do my best.
Much love xxxx
Dear Victoria,
I totally understand as Sam’s death was the result of self managing his mental health with alcohol and it was while he was detoxing he had a siezure and cardiac arrest followed. This happened at home with his dad performing CPR until air ambulance services arrived. I just always say the mental health and alcohol problems were just a small part of who Sam was and that he was amazing. But I have had anxiety about people’s perceptions of our lovely boy.
Do what is best for you but as someone told me if it doesn’t work out you haven’t got to stay.
Hugs,
Salx
Dear Sal,
I am so sorry it must have been so difficult for you and your husband.
Gemma sent an email to her ex husband to say that she was sorry but just felt too sad and tired to carry on. He called me immediately and I raced over to her house but she was not at home. The police were called but I knew exactly where she would have gone … to her favourite place so I went with the police. The police alerted tracker dogs and the helicopter was used. They found her a little while later. She was alive when they got to her but sadly didn’t make it. She left a note for us and her boys.
This is the only place where I talk about what happened to Gemma as most of the time I pretend it hasn’t happened and imagine her still in her house with the boys and that is my way of coping.
V xxx
That is so sad all of our accounts of what happened are just awful regardless of how our children died but there are different feelings and emotions about how it happened. I sometimes wish Sam had a child some part of him still here but I know that brings its own heartache also. This is also a really great place for me to talk as we are all trying to not ‘start each other off’ all the time here. Thanks for sharing it makes a connection that I can’t often find.
Sal❤️
To Sal,Helen and all, Another week draws to an end and I wonder how we keep going down this rough road. Yes, I too wish that Dan had had a chance to have his own family and I know it was one of his regrets. I often see Daniel’s expressions in other make relatives and it is bitter sweet. We will never see our young ones grow old or see how their lives might have been. I know I should be grateful that I had him for 27 years but I daily feel robbed. Just to have that one more hug or chat with him … I would give the world. This life will never now be complete. Sending much love as always. Xx
Dear Wynne and all,
I know exactly how you feel. Just to hug Gemma and sit and chat with her again is all I want in life now.
I feel as though I will live my life with an undercurrent of sadness now. So hard because I want people to talk about her, to keep her ‘alive’ still but this morning I could not help getting tearful when someone did talk about her. But I did explain to her that I was so glad to be able to remember her with them. I hope this makes sense?!
Live to all xxxx