Hi Zoe
I feel exactly the same today. I should be up and doing things around the house and garden as the weather is really lovely but I have no enthusiasm. Only do what you can manage today even just getting out of bed is an achievement. You are not alone in this I will be thinking of you today. Sending love and hugs 
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Thank you for your support im so sorry its hard so hard sorry your down too this life t much love zoe
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I hope you can see some light in all this. I too was tearful today. I guess itās the come down from spending last week with Jemma and Brooke. It seems like I miss Lisa so much, that feeling always seems to surface after time with my girls.
We all feel so empty, so incomplete without our lost children.
Why them? There are so many horrible criminals in the world, they should be the first selection, not our beautiful children.
Be kind to yourself. Do only what you can. There is nothing more important than dealing with your grief, whichever way you can.
Sending love and hugs.
Kate xx
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Hi all. If I may just throw my hat in the ring so to speak. Iāve followed this thread from time to time, but never commented on it before. So forgive me for barging in.
Iām coming up to year 7 since loosing my son. He was 24 and an only child. I feel as the months and years roll by my mood changes a bit like the seasons. Things that upset me last year donāt bother me now. Or things that have never occurred to me before can upset me at this point. I think a few of the big things that Iāve noticed. There comes a point after you loose someone when it doesnāt matter to other people. By that I mean in the beginning lots of people show sympathy or treat you with kid gloves. But over time your loss becomes irrelevant to other people. When I was growing up I remember a kid I went to school with died. For a time you would see his parents out and about and you would say to yourself. It must be awful for them loosing Thier son. Years later you see the same bloke and just think,oh there goes Fred bloggs. I suppose I have now become Fred bloggs. People reach a point where they no longer refer to you as, thereās that fella/woman that lost his son/daughter. However when you are part of " the club" . For us it never goes away. We carry that round with us for eternity.
Other things Iāve noticed is hindsight is a wonderful thing in that now I can look back I can see that I had a mental breakdown, at the time you donāt realize you are going through it. When I come on this site which is a fantastic place to be for the likes of us. You can see the deep pain that people are in, as we have all been,. Sometimes I get upset reading peopleās messages on here because I no what lays ahead for them. You can offer all the words of encouragement and support but itās predominantly a journey you have to travel on your own. Iāve always said unless you are in this nightmare you canāt judge people.
All the little things that people take for granted like getting up in the morning. Stepping outside for the first time. Going back to work. Being invited somewhere and feeling like you have turned up naked and everyone is staring at you. Just answering the phone or the front door. All those things are mountains to climb in the early days.
My son was the most precious thing in the world to me. Unfortunately I think you only really see that when they are gone. Mainly because you never expect to loose them so I suppose you tend to take it for granted that they will always be there. When you loose them you realize how totally meaningless that new car is that you wanted. Or the holiday you always wanted to go on. The new 3 piece suite you needed. I would live in a hole in the ground if I could have him back.
I can whole heartedly say one thing, Iāve been on one hell of a learning curve this last 7 years. Iāve learned a lot about myself and also about the people around me.
If you were made from Lego itās like you have been disassembled and you are just a pile of broken bricks. Then you get rebuilt over time but something is not quite right. All the bricks have gone back but not in the right order.
The people around you. Wow!!! Thatās a whole other subject. The ones you thought would be there arenāt. But then people who you never thought of will bring sunshine in to your life. Ok thanks for listening. Think Iāve prattled on long enough 
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Thank you Jim.
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Losing an only child must be the worst of all.
No child is less precious than another, and I will always grieve the loss of my bored daughter, but I at least have her brother and sister to comfort me.
Much love to you and to all
Ann x
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Omg BELOVED daughter.
Too wound up to spell check.
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Hi Jim. Itās so god reading your post. You are spot on in everything you say.
Lisa had a rare lung condition. She didnāt let it get in her way and she wasnāt on any meds until she had a lung collapse when her baby was just 14 months old. She had one on the left side at 14 which was glued to her chest wall but the second time on the right they did with abrasion pluerodesis which, as the name will tell you, was extremely painful to recover from. But she did. However the doctors felt that she should be assessed by the transplant team in Newcastle. She was never listed but each appointment with them was harrowing as we waited to see whether she would be listed. She was absolutely terrified. From this you will have gathered that we all expected Lisa would not live to old age but maybe into her 50ās if all stayed stable. However, she went on holiday with her partner and baby girl and took very ill on the way home. I knew in my heart that this was the beginning of the end, although there were times in the flowing few weeks when I thought she would actually recover. Only to be knocked back. I hadnāt spoken with my husband and Jemma her older sister about knowing Lisa would die. I felt it with every part of me that she would be leaving us. I just knew without doubt I would have to be strong for them all as the shock would be life changing. I did manage after a complete collapse at the hospital after her heart stopped, to pick up our grandchild, get her back to the car and drive her back to the cottage we were renting in the countryside. The poor wee soul knew something monumental had happened. She was asleep as I carried her inside. I sat on the sofa and she wrapped her arms a legs around be as if she would never let me go. I just held her so tight and didnāt even cry. Itās like you are in a movie and itās not real. I remember being desperate for the loo and carried her with me, somehow managing to go without putting her down ,not easy I can tell you.
As you say, the people who you expect to be there for you are not. The ones you least expect are there day after day, weeks and months too. One of these delivered an entire Sunday roast, complete with vegetables in China tureens and dessert. I think they had a rota going as we didnāt cook for weeks. Practical kindness at its best. They knew what we would need most. Bless all of them.
Anyway, looks like I have gone on a bit too but great to hear from you.
Much love, Kate x
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Kate I know that awful feeling of living for years with dread of the worst happening, a fear you canāt ever really escape. Crossing fingers, thinking weāve got so far, sheās doing well, it might all work out ok, and also knowing it might not.
And then it doesnāt.
Hope you get lots of comfort from Jemma and Brooke xxx
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Hi Zoe , so sorry you are struggling , me too. Not been on a while as I just seem to be getting worse . Miss my boy Ray so much and am dreading the first week in May again, itās soon for you too. My head just feels in a daze all the time and no sign of any counselling with nhs even tho I have tried chasing them up. Everything is such an effort now.
Hugs Xxxx
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Dear Jim ā¦ you have captured so completely how I feel and only somebody who has been through the pain of losing a child could write about the madness of grief so eloquently. Thank you so much for taking the time. Sending you love and peace xxx
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Oh I feel so sorry for my friend Angie , she has just had her son Scottās funeral this Wednesday . She lost her husband a few years ago , he was only 62. She was on the way back from her husbands grave where she left Scottās wreath . When. maniac driver in a stolen car which was being chased by the police . The driver hit her car , itās a total right off , luckily she was injured , just in total shock . I have just spoken to her , and she said oh Maddie what have I done to deserve all this bad luck . Why is life so cruel. Maddie xx
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Hi kate thank you for your kind words . I know we all at different stages but we feel the same emotions thank you for sharing and care x big hugs zoe x
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Hi Jim thank you for taking your time to send your posts your very wise and you explain it so well sending big hugs to you zoe xx
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Hi jss i think of you every day sorry your sodown .i feel the same i had 3 sessions of councilling stopped .feel better on here we all in the same boat .this life is so sad thinking of u with love zoe x
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Dear Zoe, I didnāt want counselling either as I didnāt think it would help me. I am thinking of you and hope you have a better day. Remember those baby steps. Much love xxx
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Thankyou dear friend. We did have a lovely few days but there is always that emptiness within us. The joy Brooke and Jemma bring me is wonderful but I seem to come back to earth with an almighty bump when I am not with them.
Jamie is on holiday this week so he doesnāt need me to look after Brooke but I said to them I would take Brooke swimming on Wednesday. Something to look forward to.
Much love, Kate
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We change in so many ways, donāt we?
I am quite a self reliant person, not into social life much over recent years (well, covid of course), but I look forward so much to my younger daughterās visits. She lives 40 miles away so meet ups have to be arranged. My son and his children donāt even live in UK so thatās lots of texting and zoom. I feel empty too when they are not here, even though my kind partner does his best to support me.
I try to think positively of Katherine. A friend from her uni years sent her husband some beautiful photos we hadnāt seen before, and I had one enlarged and framed, one calendar month since she left us, and it will be my good morning good night focus.
I try to think about HER, with deep sadness obviously, but also with joy and gratitude for all she was and is still, and try not to feel sorry for myself, which is different from sadness and grief and very negative.
Love to everyone here 
and hoping you all find comfort
Ann
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Interesting what you say about the Daniel sized hole. I listened to a lecture by a grief counsellor the other day and she explained about the feeling you describe. She says at the beginning of the awful loss we are completely taken up with it. Like our emotions are a glass jar filled to the very top, no space for anything else. Theoretically as we get better able to cope (she didnāt say when or how long it might take!) we manage to use a larger glass jar for grieving,so that their is room for the grief but some extra room for us to eventually accept, as best we can and have a life which includes the grief, with some space for us too. Itās just a theory and I donāt think I explained it very well. I wish you some peace.
Hi Jim,
I am so sorry about your boy, and I have just read you post and all I can say
WOW because it sums it up perfectly. You mention some people you expected to be there arenāt yes I can relate to that. My friend (or so I thought) of 31 years at the time of Samās death, couldnāt cope with what had happened and sidestepped me I havenāt seen her since as with 2 others in our āclickā, there are 5 others and me we all started playschool with our children. Sam was 34 when he died some 5 years ago. Yet two of the group have remained like glue at my side and will start a conversation about this and that and remember when Sam did this or that and I am grateful. You are right about the lego scenario, Iām put back totally differently.
Thanks for your thoughts it was a true insight into how we are all here at different stages on this horrendous journey
Love Helen
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