Your only human, anything that takes the heartache away ,if only for a little while
Take Care Marina xxx
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No apologies allowed on this site Jim 
I feel that way most nights, Victoria I still drink before 6pm but try and drink tea from 7pm onwards doesnāt always go to plan though 
, my red wine is my medicine and I take it when ever I need it which isnāt every night as I work nights so these are alcohol free nights 
Victoria look forward to seeing what you have planned for Gemmas special memorial 
Much live yo all Michelle xxxx
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Hi Zoe
I hoped Zoe, but Mr Iyer his neuro surgeon said you may not have a natural lifespan but you will have a life. He gave Sam 4 and a half years extra but he should have had only 6 months. I started to really hope after 3 years clear but it was not to be. Of all the money raised for cancer research only 3% goes to brain cancer, its ridiculous and its the biggest killer of people under 40. I just consider now I was lucky to have him in my life. All the 4 years he had a good life, he moved in with me September because of the drugs etc and became really ill in the November and died 9th December.
Love Helen
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Me too Michelle. That couple of glasses of Shiraz hit the spot and I enjoy them.
We do whatever helps us.
Love to all.
Kate xx
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Jim,
We all agree, there are no apologies needed on here. We are all travelling the same route some further along than others, I have a glass of wine every night when Iām doing food. Sometimes I hear Sam say any sausage chips and beans going that was his favourite. I cook because I have to concentrate I make Brazilian seafood stew, lamb balti all from scratch because it helps me get through. Kateās eat my curry when we were in Scotland and I drink wine while Iām at it.
Love Helen
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Glad to hear it Jimā¦ā¦letting us know youāre getting drunk indicates itās something we people with grief doā¦ā¦itās fairly normalā¦.
Iām sure weāve all done it.
As long as we donāt start depending on alcohol to survive.
Sending a hug and glad youāve no hangover.
Purple x
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Oh Helen .this life ā¦it makes me mad not much money goes in to cancer like we think . Sarcoma that sam had is so rare they wanted to make him a test case .i didnt want that but it was up to sam but he got ill so fast . Sending lots of love Helen xx
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That is so true, Jim. Your words describe my world. Nothing matters and the pain is there all the time.
Thank you for sharing.
Dally
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Hi .im lying here and the clocks ticking.its 1.39 .ive felt unwell all day flu like .im thinking how life changes in a heartbeat .its wicked and sad .you bring life into the world and its taken and your never going to cuddle that person again .that person you loved with everybeat of your heart ā¦sam had open heart surgery at birth he beat all the odds to be here .but they took him anyway.this life you have snatches of happy it all dont make sense to me . This big void and life goes on its so very very sad xx
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Lovely curry it was too Helen, plus fantastic company.
Much love, Kate xx
Dear All
I have been sent this link by someone who thought it might be helpful. Donāt know if it will be any use, but if it helps anyone itās worth a look. I think it starts 28 April.
With love, Ann x
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Just been on another thread where the question āhow did you respond on receiving the worst news possibleā was asked.
To be honest unless you Are expecting it, I donāt think your brain can process the news in the beginning.
While being blue lighted to the hospital in the back of a police motorway patrol vehicle, I didnāt even feel like I was me. Alsorts were running through my mind. But the biggest thought I had was. It canāt possibly be MY!!! son , how on earth could it be my son. The policewoman driver wasnāt really giving much away. But my wife ( not my sonās biological mother). Was so much more switched on than I was and was able to pick up on the situation. In the back of the car she squeezed my hand and said. Prepare yourself, this is serious. Once we arrived at the hospital we were met by another police officer a couple of doctors and a nurse we were ushered into a small room. They were trying to explain to me what had happened but all I could hear was white noise and the feeling of my wifeās hand. I couldnāt tell you a word that was spoken to me . When they eventually unplugged him from life support and we said goodbye. For the life of me I have no recollection of getting back home. But once home both mine and my wifeās mobile phone went into hyperdrive. Both our phones pinged with messages constantly for about 12 hours. Never want to hear my phone do that again. Neither of us ate or slept for 3 days. I couldnāt comprehend that I was at home and my now dead son was in a building on the other side of town. Who the f##k is looking after him. He should be here with me. The time between him passing and the funeral was 2and a half weeks or in my head more like 2 and a half thousand years. Once the funeral had taken place the world around you goes back to normal. The sun comes up in the morning. Rush hour starts. People take the dog for a walk. The tides come and go. But not for us!!! The day we loose our kids is ground zero day. Thatās the day you got rebooted and need to start from scratch. Thatās the day you left your old self behind and this is the new you. The new broken you that has to learn how to tread water. Learn how to get back on the bike. Learn how to take a place up back in society . A society that has sped forward and left you behind. You try running to catch up but you never quite make it so you have to settle for being just out of kilter with everyone else. And that for me is how life is from here on in. Ok thanks for listening. Jim.
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Jim you describe it all just how it is .this new life without our children.
Me and sam got taken into a room and they said sam we have very bad news you have sarcoma in your thigh which has spread yo your bones and lungs. sam sat just took it all in i was screaming and being sick in the sink. My beautiful boy didnt look ill had a little pain . Then we went to marsden and they give him less than a year .he lasted four months .he never moaned never talked abot it .just got on he was our superhero .our lifes changed in a heartbeat .and like you say jim life just goes on around you . People go about there day .its a year on wednesday .its like yesterday my new norm .i put on a smile im .broken inside love zoe x
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Jim, you have managed to describe the in describable. Only those who have experienced the indescribable can fully know what this means. I felt that I just āexistedā for many years. Life takes on the before and the āafterā We learn to cope with this underlying sadness.
Take care
Chris x
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So true chris .the only way i can describe it. A very sick yearning in your tummy .your heart is smashed. You go about the day but somethings not quite right the new norm xx
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Dear Jim
We all know the pain, the circumstances might vary.
I can only imagine the horror of such sudden shocking news.
It wasnāt like that for me. I had known for years that my daughterās cancer, a bad one, could return. It was a dread I lived with constantly.
When it did recur, after I have to say some very good years, when we hoped it was actually cured, it was obviously not good news.
She was SO brave, fought constantly to stay with us, and held it at bay, no more than that, for two years.
In the end it had gone so far and she was so ill that I wanted her to pass on, I asked her late father to come and fetch her. I prayed for her to go.
And now I think, how could I possibly have wanted that?
But of course that wasnāt what I really wanted, I wanted her to be our old Katherine, fit and well.
Today is a bad day for me. I am missing her so much. There is this lovely spring weather, and she isnāt here to enjoy it with us. I just want to hug her.
Hope we can all find some peace. Not sure about meaning.
But I still feel our love for each other, and the joy she brought to our lives.
Love to you all, Ann
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Dear Jim
I can relate so much to your post. I received the news that my daughter had died in a car accident by a policeman who knocked on my door at 930 at night. Iād just text my daughter to ask if she got to her destination ok as I hadnāt heard from her and she always let me know. All I heard him say was accident, didnāt survive her injuries. I know that I screamed and fell to my knees but I canāt remember what followed until her dad came the following morning. Her funeral like your sons was 2 and a half weeks later. I donāt remember what went on in the lead up to that apart from going with her dad and sister to make the arrangements. I do know that I stood in the crematorium staring at her coffin in total shock devastation and bewilderment at how this could have happened. It seemed one minute I was saying goodbye as she went out the door and I was standing there the next. Its been 18 months now and I still cannot accept that this has happened to our family. Iām sitting in the garden at the moment as it is a beautiful day and my neighbour has her family round and they are laughing and joking. I yearn for that life again where there was happiness but as you say our life is now different, for me it is soulless and bleak xx
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I totally get that life has changed forever .sam walked out of the marsden and said mum thought i would have 10 years .he was 24 our superhero xx
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Lisa taught us to live every day as if it is our last. We try.
Kate xx
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Andrews funeral was 2 days ago. Iāve been round his flat today, his lovely home where he was so happy. The sun streaming in the windows. He loved living there with Ash, his dog. He always laughed at how lucky he wasā¦how many flats had a huge garden, garageā¦space for Ash to run aboutā¦he watched out of his kitchen window to the houses across the road looking forward to the swifts arrivingā¦always by 17th May. This year he wonāt see themā¦by next year a new owner will have bought Andrews lovely home. Iāll be glad when I donāt have to go backā¦Iāll never drive down that road again. Every second as I drive closer to his home my heart feels like it will burst with the ache inside me.
Why??? Why isnāt he here?? He was so loved by us by all his friends.
I keep thinking back to the morning I found himā¦he even had his coffee cup ready with coffee and sugar, detecting clothes ready, boots and detectors by front door. I hope he died happyā¦I know he was happyā¦so WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO HIM???
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