Life sue no one knows why this awful things happen theres no words x
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Dear Sue
Just for now try to hold on to that thought you have: āI know he was happyā.
Yes, of course he should have had a much longer life, but his too short life was HAPPY!
With love, Ann x
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Like everyone here, I can remember that day so vividly, it was 08.25 Dec 4th when my husband phoned me to say that Christian had died and all I could think of was, no matter how long I live I would never see him again, it was something I could not get my head around I kept thinking I could live another twenty years or more and I would never see him. and that frightened me tremendously. Four years later I occasionally still think that same thought ,only now if there is some form of after life I am four years nearer seeing Christian I can only hope.
Love to everyone. Marina xxx
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Dear Marina, just like you when I was told by the policeman āIām so sorry ā¦ we have lost herā my first thought was Iāll never see her againā. Just so overwhelming and it was as if time stood still ā¦ and then I started screaming . It is almost as though your heart canāt take it in so all you can do is scream and cry . I always feel so sorry for any parent who has yet to go through it
xxx
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These last few posts are so heart rending. Jim you describe the indescribable. I had been out for a walk on a beautiful sunny Sunday morning and when I came home a police car was parked up the road. It was a small village so very unusual. They followed us up the drive and told us Gemma had had an accident She had a brand new car so I thought she was driving it but then he mentioned the word motorbikeā¦ā¦. She had gone on the back of her boyfriends bike to see if she liked it and on the way home doing 39 mph a woman pulled out of a side road and knocked them off. She was airlifted to RVI by GNAAS where we were taken from York on blue lights. I was trying not to be sick as I was so terrified and they were driving very fast.
She died the following day on 27-4-15 , 7 years on Wednesday age 23 Wr had to wait for her heart to stop beating after the life support was switched off
I remember looking out of the hospital window at the car park and people were going about their business as normal and I knew then my life was never going back to normal ever again.
Life is divided into before and after.
7 years is a long time but not when you have lost your only child. It feels like last week and it feels like eternityā¦ā¦
As Marina said. I am 7 years closer to seeing her again and I want her to be proud of me and that is what keeps me going.
Liz
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My thoughts are with you liz .7 years or 1 . Loosing a child no matter how long time stands still .it will be a year on wednesday too the loss of my boy sam x
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Dear Marina,
Like you I think every day without Henry is a day closer to being with him again.
I miss him every single day and my heart aches so muchā¦I do find joy in my son George, in nature, my grandchildren, husband and all my friends and family.
Yet that ache continuesā¦ until my heart stops it will hurt.
However much time we had with our children it could never be enough.
Jim described our situation so wellā¦weāre a different breed from other parents.
Sending love to you all.
Purple x
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Dear Liz
Your daughter IS proud of you. You are great.
Love 
Ann
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Dear friends,
Reading all these posts has just brought it all back to me 
I struggle to share but we too had the knock on the door, our son lived and suffered for 4 hours before passing, he was was in Malawi, he then lay in a morgue alone for two weeks in a strange country until he was repatriated back to the UK I couldnāt except that he was in that box with the flag over it, that couldnāt possibly have our precious boy in there, then they had to take him off for a post mortem, so it was a month after he passed until we could bury him, its all a blur to be honest , on the 5th May it will be 3 years but seems like 3 weeks, we are all united on this site, our stories may differ but they all lead us down the same awful path. 
Love and support to all from Michelle xxx
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And love and support to you too Michelle.
Yes, sometimes reading about so much sadness only makes our own sadness worse, but itās also good to feel that love and support from this great community of friends who all know only too well how much we all need all the help we can get.
Hugs, Ann x
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Hi All sending all my
Laying here flicking through photos.its like im living in a nightmare its time to wake up. But the nightmares still there just cant accept hes gone .my amazing sam .the pain is so bad x
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Hi all. Sorry if the question I posed (how did you react to the news ). Brought a lot of bad memories flooding back. It was actually a question someone else asked on another thread.
When I Saw it the first thing that came to my mind was. WOW!!! Nobody has ever asked me that question. Itās such an important question. Itās so powerful. The chances of anyone ever actually asking that question to your face are slim to none. We all want to talk about our children. The trouble is. Before you Lost your child, when was the last time you went up to someone you know and said ātell me about your dead childā. Itās just not going to happen.
Been binge watching AFTERLIFE this weekend. I seriously think its the first time Iāve seen someone act out on the tele the crushing pain that you feel after loosing someone with such intense reality.
I remember a guy I work with. His wife killed herself. It was a couple of years ago. Around 12 months after I found myself talking to him. I didnāt see him on a regular basis, he worked at another Depot . Anyway I spoke to him. When I got home I told my wife and she said ," and how was he". I said. He was just dead behind the eyes, you know when you look at someone and they are just a hollow shellā¦ My wife said. Yes I know exactly what thatās like Iāve been living with you !!!
That sentence hit me like a hammer. ( Wasnāt said with malice ). She was just stating fact. The pain of loosing someone just rips everything out of you. Iāve seen written on this site quite a few times that meeting up with or sharing stories with people who have also lost children. We can be ourselves. We donāt have to hide.
I sit downstairs many, many times in the small hours, I find writing therapeutic. I think itās really good that we can share. If nobody read my posts, Iād still write them anyway. Itās an outlet. Itās such a taboo subject but on here it doesnāt matter you can write down what you feel. Someone somewhere will read it. Itās not like in reality were you have to watch what you say Incase someone collapses with awkwardness if you mention your dead childās name. My opinion for what itās worth. Thereās a big drive going on in society about not being afraid to talk. Mental health this, mental health that. But that only works if you can talk to people who have walked in your shoes. To me there are 3 groups of people. 1. Professionals. Who read everything from a text book but have no real understanding. Here take these pills or go for counselling.
2. People who have never lost anyone. They have no clue and will run a mile to get away from you. Or if you corner them by accident you can physically see them squirm.
3. People who have lost someone. You can connect with these people immediately. Doesnāt matter what walk of life they come from, male/female. Age irrelevant. You just connect. Itās a human nature thing. You are just drawn to each other because you share a common denominator. These are the people that you will receive help from the most. Simply because they experienced the very worst and the best human emotions possible the same as you. So thank you everybody on here. Rite think I better try and get some sleep 
yeah rite!!! Those were the days.
Jim.
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Dear Jim, you have amazing insight and I am so glad you found this site. You are a breath of fresh air.
People are so keen to talk about the birth of their child but not their death. I think we are every parents worst nightmare, we have survived what feels like unsurvivable and here we are right in front of them! I think that is why people feel uncomfortable around us. I wish we could be this open in the rest of our lives xx
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So sorry Zoe 
the first year anniversary is really tough. You honestly wonder how you are still living and breathing. Itās not a real life in the early days itās just an existence and taking things one day at a time.one step at a time. Have you decided how you will spend the day?
I usually find the run up to the anniversaries are harder than the actual day.
Liz x
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Jim, I know exactly what you mean.
Lisa had been on ECMO for several weeks which gave us all a false sense of security. Although itās life support patients can talk, eat and feel ānormalā apart from large tubes coming out of them. She seemed to be doing well, having physio in bed, being put in a big chair during the day and watching TV in the evenings. I was getting more and more uneasy and on the Tuesday, 2 days before we lost her, I went in to see her in the afternoon. She was quiet a d serene looking and reached out to take my hand from under the covers. She just said āwill you be OK Mum?ā I was crying and said we just need you home with us. Then one of our favourite nurses came in and was checking Lisaās charts and quite spontaneously said out loud ā weight 68.8 kilos!ā That canāt be right. Her normal weight throughout was 59 kilos exactly the same as me. I immediately thought, omg organ failure as I looked at her catheter bag and there was hardly a drop in it. Right enough, it had started, she was shutting down and I knew also that she hadnāt been able to swallow that day. I was barely able to walk out when I was leaving as I knew that it was going to be the end.
We were all called for a meeting at 11 on the Thursday morning. The doctor came in around 12 and said maybe someone should take little Brooke out of the room. My heart was pounding in my chest but Lisa looked at me and I knew she was saying, take her Mum, you both donāt need to hear this. Fighting to stay in control I took Brooke to the waiting room and we git chocolate out the machine and looked at kids magazines. Then about 10 minutes later 2 nursed came and said, can you come your daughter needs to see you. They kindly took Brooke to play outside Lisaās room whilst I joined the family ,Jamie was sobbing, my husband was like a ghost and Jemma was holding Lisaās phone as they facetimed her best friend. It all happened so fast.
The doctor came back in and spoke to Lisa explaining how they would switch off the life support, there was no rush but she would be given drug to let her fall fast asleep and then they would switch off the machine .
My husband held her right hand , Jamie and Jemma were on her left. Jamie kept telling her he loved her so so much. Jemma was silently sobbing and I lay my head on her legs Put my arms around them.
Watching her face turn completely blue was the worst thing of all, it was like a living nightmare.
I left them all, collapsed in the antiroom and was wailing like an animal in pain. One of the nurses was on the floor holding me I remember. Anyway, after a few minutes I managed to get onto a chair, they had got me a wheelchair but I waved that away. I said could I use the sink to splash my face, I then went out and took Brooke on my lap and let her play with Peppa Pig.
It all seemed like something on TV like I was an actor. Goodness knows how I drove the 20 minutes back to our rented cottage but I did. I made dinner for anyone who could eat, bathed Brooke for Jamie and took her to him.
I suppose the shock puts us into some strange robotic state.
Goodness knows but I promised Lisa I would look after her little family and I will as long as I am able.
I did hold Lisa in my arms later when they had disconnected everything and she felt warm and looked beautiful again. I kissed her eyelids and her cheeks and lips. Our beautiful girl.
With love, Kate xx
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I find it a great pity that our society somehow fails to address the pain of loss. As someone else said, we are very keen to celebrate the birth of our children, weddings, anniversaries etc. But death is a different matter. Itās the other end of the life cycle. Each of us will die, yet for very many itās a taboo subject. That makes grieving so much more difficult. So many people turn their faces away from those who are bereaved. So many seem to feel that talking about loss makes them feel too uncomfortable so the bereaved feel even more alone. Itās as if subconsciously many people hope that by ignoring the bereaved they will somehow be safe from the pain. Yet sooner or later we all face loss and a kinder, more thoughtful attitude by many would not only help us, the ones bereaved, but would also mean that those who turn away might begin to understand the awful pain that they might well endure themselves, sooner or later. I guess Iām taking about compassion and empathy. Human kindness. Offering condolences and acknowledging the pain that losing a loved one throws us into. Often friends and family we thought would support us are either unable to help or fear our pain and misery might in some way remind them of their own mortality or in some weird way be infectious. So they pull away just when we need support most. Itās very sad but very true. Iāve even had people say āget in touch when you feel betterā. Bereavement certainly highlights who is a true friend and who is what I call a fair weather friend.
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Dear Kate,
Heartbroken for you, Lisa would be so proud, you are amazing, I wish I could have been with Matt and held him, I had to read that he was in pain and calling out for me and I was so so very far away not knowing he was dying, but to see your child dying before your very eyes I know that Matt knew he was loved and I feel his presence all around as you feel Lisa and you have beautiful Brooke and Jemma to keep you going as we have our girls, I find I am reliving everything at the moment as we approach Mattās anniversary I am reading all his WhatsApp messages imagining he is still with us its my coping mechanism, the date of Mattās funeral was the 6th June, on this day we are having a memorial Bench placed at his primary school and photoboard and wording put up in the school which is very special to us as our children had such happy days there, sending love to all xxx
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Dear Michelle, what a lovely memorial that will be to Matt. It is so hard for us all. I too read Lisaās WhatsApp messages prior to her taking ill. The happy ones whilst they were on holiday. Little did they or any of us know it would be the last time she would read Brooke a bedtime story or put her to bed. However , we are so lucky to have Brooke and that she is such a good wee soul. She is so grown up in some ways.
Funny, she looks so like me as a young child. My sister found this photo of us. I think I was about 4 or 5. I sent it to Jamie and he couldnāt believe how we are so similar.
Sending love to you at this difficult time. The lead up is the worst, the if only this or that, goes through our heads to drive us crazy.
Stay safe and loved.
Kate xx
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Reading all what we have been through.it dont seem possible .and when it happened i felt like i was the only person this could be happening to .until i found my self here .it breaks my heart .we all share this road. Its so very sad .when sam passed and he lay in the chapel of rest .i saw him everyday for 17 days. To people they was worrid how could you sit all day with a dead person. Well i could it gave me great comfort.when i saw sam it gave me great comfort .he looked healthy again it was mad . .i sat for hours playing music talking. I even fell a sleep with him.the lady was so kind she let me in at the weekrnd when it was closed .people think im mad i dont give a hoot .i sprayed sams aftershave lacoste red his fav . That time i spent was so precious. Im glad i did it .he was at peace .my boy just had his 25th birthday .his fav song i am a giant played beside him our superhero. Our giant .
People are all different and it makes me sad and very alone like you say jim people cross the road scared of what they have to face .
Kate its amazing brooke is your double .as parents we have been through so much . Yo watch your child die in front of you .lifeā¦
Sam was so weak he said mum i have to get up .i said we will help he punched the sky i did it mum .my amazing boy x love zoe
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Thank you for your kindness .i dont think i could survive without you all much love zoe x
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