Yes like you Wynne, and you Victoria, I too would give up my life just for one more chat, one more hug, one more, love you too (as he used to say) but I know for certain that I will see Sam again when I close my eyes for the last time. I know I cannot commit suicide because I would not place on others the pain I feel, and Sam would be so angry and never forgive me, so for his sake I try to enjoy what I can. I went shopping on Saturday with my friend Sally and she chat’s away about Sam as do all my friends so they know that is my best medicine. One of Sam’s best friends is running the half marathon today in memory of Sam (1 of 5 challenges she is doing) to raise money for cancer research. She said to me about what she had put on her just giving pageto see if I was OK with it. We are all going out again this October for Sam’s birthday and to raise a glass for him as Emma said there is such a huge void now with him gone. I only have 1 friend her name is Helen who keeps crying and feeling so sorry for me (her words) so I limit the time I am around her.
Hello everyone here, as the seasons change so it comes to the times when Chris’s health dramatically deteriorated leading to his death in November, now coming up to two years.
How true what people have been saying about the second year being even more painful than the first as everything is in stark reality rather than a blur. Everyone has moved on, life has changed, but like all of you I long to see him again, to hear his voice, his laughter, to hold him in my arms. Nothing has changed there.
I change his photos around from time to time, but it is hitting me hard that there are no new ones to put up.
I know he is still with me, and feel him around me, I know I have to be content with that.
Love to you all,
Anneka x
Hi all, it is hard to comprehend that having only lost our Sam 5 months ago things will be worse at 2 years. I am looking at a beautiful evening sky here and wonder why beautiful things make me feel worse. I get help from all comments on here as I feel there are people who truly feel as I do and are still putting one foot in front of the other and continuing in this haze, functioning on some level so it must be possible. There is hope for us all I’m sure and our children, would, as is so often said be very cross if we didn’t find a way forward.
Salx
Hi Everyone
Last week was a particular difficult week for me for it was exactly a year ago that we went on a family holiday to Cornwall,I could remember every detail where we went what we did and where as last year it was lovely, happy and enjoyable remembering it this year was so painful …happy memories are now so very very sad…I hope there will be a time when I can look back on the past and be able to smile instead of the tears which seem are never ending.
Love to all…Marina xxx
Hello All
It will be 2 years for me on the 9th December but before that on the 17th October it will be his birthday. Anneka you are so right it does seem worse it’s because we know they will not be back. Like you I know Sam is around me it helps a little. I talk out loud to him. My eldest boy does not bother with me after his shouting fit so that doesn’t help I know he’s embarassed because he won’t face it. I know it was his grief coming to the fore up to that point he had not grieved. All I have said to Sam is wait for me it won’t be long and we can be together again. I know he will and in the meantime I will try to live my life how he would want.
With Love
Helen
Dear All,
Anneka and Helen, I envy you feeling your lovely children are still around. I wish I could feel that with Gemma but I don’t really even though I talk to her all the time.
When my mum passed away I could feel her so close to me sometimes it felt as though I could touch her.
Helen I’m sorry you are having a tough time with your other son and I hope he finds a way back to you. It is so hard when you are all grieving.
Last week I felt as though I needed to be completely alone as couldn’t bear anyone around me so I booked myself into a hotel for the night (my poor husband!) and it was exactly what I needed. I felt cocooned and so peaceful.
I guess we all have to find our own way through this nightmare.
Love to all xxxx
Hello Victoria,
Yes you’re right we have to find a way through this nightmare. I find it so dreadfully difficult at the moment probably because of the way my elder son is being. I know I cannot allow him to treat me the way he did, over the years I think he saw his father (my first husband) treat me like a piece of dirt so he thinks he can try it. Unfortunately he can’t he knows what he has done is wrong which is why at the moment he cannot face me. There will come a time though… He was so close to Sam and I knew this explosion would happen, because of their closeness and the fact that he just carried on working. I guess I didn’t think it would be at me full force. I know Sam would be appalled at Geraint so I will just wait. I talk about it to Sam all the time. My first husband I feel really sorry for, I allowed him to be here in my house so that he could be with Sam as he was ill in those last few weeks and as Sam died, he sat on the stool and cried and begged Geraint please look after your family don’t do what I have done. So the guilt he feels must be enormous. Sam was closer to John that his own Dad and that too plays it’s part in the guilt. I am lucky if that is the right word (probably not) I have no guilt as I did everything possible for Sam before and after he was diagnosed. I just have to try and keep going and I have John my second husband who did everything for Sam and who Sam was so close to. He is grieving as well but at the same time supporting me. So I know in my heart I have no choice but to carry on because Sam would want me to do that.
Hi All, coming up three whole years since our precious, beautiful, clever, hardworking daughter took her last breath in our arms. Life is still a struggle but I can say that during the past year, coping has been slightly easier (most days) and we try to keep busy. Life will always be tinged with sadness and there’s the whys??? and what ifs???..
Every other problem that everyday life throws at us is still so insignificant…
Many things that would have bothered me now go straight over my head.
I do believe she is around us. Yesterday while on a walk at the rocky coast, a butterfly fluttered all around the rocks by us. Not the usual area for a butterfly at all, just rocks, sand and sea! It fluttered by us as we walked, keeping up at our pace, so odd.
I believe Jo was with us on that walk…
Hi Helen, like you with Gerraint, Sarah is still not talking to us we have not seen the grandchildren, we don’t exspect to see Jessica ,as she is only 9years old , but the other two they are both working, .Aimee rang today and told her how much we miss them all, but being teenagers they do not understand, its a different world now , I cound never imagin falling out with my mum, . I am so worried at the moment, as my husband is realy depressed , he is never depressed, and I cannot cope with it , as I seem to want to cry all day , and I cope with it . It is our 50th wedding anniversary in 2 weeks and we are going to St Lucia and tell you the truth I do not want to go , what is there to celebrate? sorry to be so depressing . Love Maddie
Hello Maddie
Geraint came to the door this morning at 7:30 with Stan I have to have him this morning before school in the afternoon and knocked the door he would normally do that he would just walk in kept his head turned away from me never spoke just put Stans school clothes on the porch floor and walked away. I was devastated but had to keep a smile on my face for Stan. Like you I am in tears because of everything. I am different lucky (again it’s not the right word) John is not his father and supports me. I think this is Geraint wife saying you have to go there…but with our other children gone it cuts deep. So I know exactly to a T how you feel. Will this vicious circle ever end. Geraint like Sarah are the fools.
Thinking of you love Helen
Hi Maddie
As you know I had the same trouble with my elder son not long after Christian had died…for no reason or so it seemed he went moody would not talk and completely ignored us, and then one day he came in and started talking as if nothing had happened, no apology no nothing…in trying to make accuses for his behaviour I can only think that the shock of Christians death had affected him more then he cared to admit,it was the first time he had known death in the family and so suddenly and unexpected… not only was it his brother who had died but literally his best and lifelong friend…So give Sarah a little time and hopefully she will come round.
I am so sorry to hear that your husband is not feeling to good, but to have a break will do you both the world of good …
Thinking of you…with love Marina xx
Hi Helen
Like I said to Maddie I am so sorry …how can our sons,daughters behave in this way,do they not know the pain they are inflicting on us, it’s so cruel,it’s as if they are blaming us for there siblings death…
It does sound like Geraint realises how he is acting and feels ashamed and that’s why he can’t look you in the face,hopefully he will realise how senseless it all is.
All we want is for our kids to be happy, can’t they wish the same for us too
Take care …Marina xxx
Thank you and yes I think you’re right, I just have to sit tight he was so close to his brother, because of my ex husband Geraint almost took over the role of Father and Brother to Sam so I think it has only just hit him, so I will wait…what is it they say hardest thing in the World to do. I know Sam is all around me and I talk it through with him all the time. Thank you for your kind words they do help like all of us on here we seem to be each other’s support where we can say exactly what we are feeling and someone else on here can truthfully say I know how you feel.
Thankyou Helen and Marina , life is so hard at the moment , what have we done to deserve this ? Just a few years ago I could not stop saying that our life was so good everyone was almost in good health, except Dawn was not perfect but nothing too much to worry about, but now everything has gone , and nothing will ever be the same again xx Love Maddie x
Dear Maddie and all,
I wonder if our children treat us so badly because they can’t deal with what has happened … they feel they have to take it out on someone and they know that we, their mothers, will always be there for them no matter what. We show them unconditional love.
I think Marina is right and hopefully Sarah and Geraint will come round.
I am sure your holiday in St Lucia will be good for you both, Maddie, a chance to get away and some peaceful time together. I look forward to hearing how it goes.
Much love to everyone xxxx
Hi, Victoria, thankyou for your kind words, I realy do not know why Sarah is like this, she has got hard over the years , she always seems to feel sorry for everyone else, I am 69 years old and my husband is 80 , we notbe here for ever, but they don’t seem to care, where as Dawn , always idolised her dad , and it so sad that she is not here, I just cant seem to stop crying at the moment, they say the 2nd year is worse than the 1st and I think this is so right . Love Maddie xx
Dear Maddie,
I am so sorry about Sarah. I have always got on very well with my daughter, Tiffany but when we organised Gemma’s cremation we decided it should be just very close family as that is what Coren, my grandson wanted and he was struggling to cope. We did invite my brothers and sister as we are all so close but had to drawn the line at cousins as there are so many. My sister took exception to this and was horrible to me on the actual day even though I went over to her and tried to give her a hug, but she told me she never wants to see me again (even though she was invited). Tiffany has completely taken her side which upset me so much but I was determined not to fall out with my remaining daughter.
Life has been so hard for you. I just hope and pray that Sarah comes to her senses and you become close again. I do think that our children hit out at the one person who lives them the most which always feels so unfair.
Just a thought but have you considered taking Sarah out somewhere, just the two of you and trying to talk to her about how you feel?
Much love xxxx
Hi Marina, thankyou for your suggestions , but I do not think it will work , as Sarah has come realy hard over the years my husband does not want to contact her,after all we have have been through with Dawn , he knows how upset I am , and still cannot except her passing, we do miss the grandrildren and I dothink she is punishing us in a way . . Is life worth living as I don’t think anyone cares anymore ? love Maddie x
Hi Maddie… People do care,firstly people on this forum care because we know exactly how each other is feeling, and of course your husband deeply cares it must be painful for him to see the distress you are in…your grandchildren care and must be missing you so much and wonder where Granny is… and regards your daughter she is best left alone until she comes to her senses which she will, and hopefully she will realise how hurtful she as been acting and have the decency to apologise…
You have your anniversary coming up don’t let her spoil it for you…go to St Lucia and enjoy just the two of you together…you know Dawn would have said the same so don;t let her down…as my son would say…you deserve it
With love,take care…Marina xxx