It is right do not dismiss anything even the most trivial - my son John was 20yrs old and passed through a RTA last July . I have a little note pad and I write all the silly things down that I believe John has sent as little messages to comfort me and let me know he is with me and he is ok he was so funny and full of life I just know its him around at times, even light bulbs popping and sounds, and stuff coming into my phone , believe and have faith and messages will get through. By the way it doesnt stop the tears when they come I just have to accept its because I love him so much !
Hi Elaine,
I am so sorry that you are in this situation as well, the tears will always flow maybe not quite so often as the years go on, Like your son John Sam too was full of life and lived all over the World working his passage, he did more in his 34 years than I shall ever do and when the moments get me I just try and remember all the good times all the things he did and we shared and that way, the tears start to dry of their own accord and also by talking out loud to him I find that helps. Your right there are so many little things that happen so I know he is all around me.
Elaine and Helen.
My son too loved life his motto was living the dream
Since he died I have heard it so much, he always said people should live their dream. He was always happy never sad, generous and helped anyone he could. His friends remember his laugh and how nothing fazed him , he just laugh and say itāll be right.
I miss him so much, and that knock on the door Iāll never forget. 18 weeks tomorrow.
They say grief is the love for our loved ones. Family have dreamt of Antony I havenāt.
They say the memories in time will bring smile at moment so hard
Julie
It is comforting to hear how each of you are trying to manage this horrendous journey. As you say the hot tears flow on a daily basis and it is sometimes so hard to make it through the day. Our children were taken far too soon and I feel not only were we robbed of their beautiful presence in our lives but they too were robbed of fulfilling their dreams and aspirations. Daniel was such a caring, non judging and wonderful person and it feels so unfair that he never had the chances to do and see all he could have if he had been given his fair quota of time. Although only 27 he did travel to many countries - 30 in all - but I know he wanted to see more and do something really worthwhile in this world. I too look for signs and talk to him but it only makes me feel sadder and even at times angry that he has gone. I send each and everyone of you strength and love. Wynne
Hi Julie
I know just how you feel like you I miss Sam so much which is why I talk out loud to him. If you keep hearing that song remember it is Antony. There are so many thing that have happened here, my sister in law also lost her son Ben 2 years ago in a football accident, he went in for a tackle and slid and hit his head on the clubhouse wall. Clive his dad was telling me last week that when Gloria gets upset Benās picture comes off the wall for no apparent reason and the doorbell rings twice, he said itās strange because it only happens when she gets upset, the doorbell is electric so it isnāt as though the batteries have run down. I have dreamt of Sam and he is very vivid in the dream and I have caught a glimpse of him when I put the large planter on the patio with itās red plant, this is where some of his ashes will go, it was almost as if he was saying thatās nice there mum, some of the ashes have gone to the French Alps where he went snowboarding for the last 12 years with friends. We are waiting also for a tree in the arboretum up the road so the majority will go there. Sam died on December 9th, and it is so very very hard, I nursed him here at home from October. He was rediagnosed in August his sheer determination kept him going and although he was a bit unsteady on his feet because of the brain tumour and where it was growing he kept his sense of humour right to the end. He had already had an operation back in January 2013 to remove as much of it as they could radio and chemotherapy, went back to doing everything he wanted including carpentry and wandering off to Croatia and Sweden. He died here at home surrounded by all his family and in my arms for which I am grateful, the last thing he ever said to me before he went into a coma was I love you too in reply to me.
Thankyou Wynne, it is so awful as you can see from my post to Julie my sister in law lost her son Ben 2 years ago he was only 30. It is unfair that they donāt reach their potential but if I dwell too long on the unfairness of it I too get angry. Like Daniel Sam loved life and was a caring person who would do anything for anyone. He was living in Sweden at the time of his first diagnosis and came home in the November 2012 to tell me what had happened, but was operated on here because of the aftercare he may need. I had him here with me for just over 4 years, I never knew there was a time limit to a brain tumour. It came back in August 2016, much more aggressive.
Helen, it is so hard but your signs make me feel I will get them. I went see medium and he said things only me his sister and Antony knew, private joke between siblings.
My last words to Antony were I guess Iāll see you Xmas day, he said yea. Two days later I got knock on door 10.20pm 2 policemen telling me there had been accident and Antony had died at the scene.
Dont recall much after except thinking canāt be true they must have wrong person, but it was true 8.4opm the accident. Then someone few week later said they had seen Antony laid in middle of road after they had got him out of car trying cpr on him.
So much I think of I wish I had said, but didnāt know was last time I would see him. Day before I had sent him message like I did asking if he was ok . His last ever message to me was obviously Iām ok lol.
Then itās constant thoughts of how could he be here one minute and then gone?. What if he had gone different way?. So many questions I will never get answers to.
Iām thankful to have found here where there is support and understanding.
Julie xx
Wynne
I do the same so desperate for signs maybe I miss the small ones, whilst looking waiting for big one. I too get angry, angry he died-I even say to Antony why did you need to die? Anger towards them is normal.
Saddened for his future thatās now lost, I see his friends sometimes and I think Antony should be with you laughing joking making plans.
Everything hurts, I have not returned to work yet, I donāt know how to live this ānew lifeā without Antony.
Feels if I do anything like Iām saying itās ok and it isnāt.
Julie xx
Hi Both
This February Sam had already paid his share of the chalet they rent in the French Alps and for his plane ticket, he never made it to snowboarding but his friends did take some of his ashes to where they all snowbaord off. A lady at Zumba who lost her daughter 30 years ago where her daughter was 9 said even now if I think of her I cry but I know that I have to go on and I do and I enjoy what is left of my life because I know I will see her again. Like me with Sam I will try and do the best I can because that is what he would wish for me. I am sanding down my wooden garden furniture at the moment with his sander because it keeps me occupied. As long as I keep really really busy I can just about copeā¦with love to you both xx Helen
I know Antony wouldnāt want me be like this, hopefully time will help and the rawness will be gentler.
Bad days isnāt it that make you feel whatās the point?. For me itās the constant thoughts too.
Helen I like your way of thinking.
Have either of you found that youāve isolated yourself from life?. I find it so hard to be part of it, even going places my son wouldnāt have come with me to. Iāve stopped socialising and I used go out every weekend either with friends or partner.
Now I find I stay indoors donāt see anyone really.
I exist donāt live xx
Julie
Hello Julie
Like you I found it really hard to socialise, and of the friends that I have, I found that I felt safer (if thatās the right word) with just 3 of the group and their partners my friend Janice and my other friend also called Helen and Dee. They used to call in and deliberately not stay too long but I knew they were always at the end of a phone if I needed them and then after a few weeks suggested we go to a coffee shop, then gradually I went shopping to Sainsburyās or Asda with Dee and she never left my side. I think as well that I was more able to cope if I was doing something or out walking rather than just sat dwelling. I have decided not to go back to work, I was a Land Directorās secretary for a large volume housebuilder and donāt want the office politics, so I fill my days with looking after my grandson on a Wednesday, seeing Helen on a Thursday, and Dee usually on a Monday, and Zumba Tuesday and Friday. I also think that maybe although I am not sure that throughout the 4 years of worrying whether the tumour might come back though hoping and praying that it wouldnāt I may be further down the line than I realise. It may pay you to just go out initially for say an hour no more somewhere and with someone that you feel that you donāt have to put on a brave face with and that you can be yourself with even going for a drive with them just to see.
It is so difficult to socialise as I did before. Good friends have been very supportive and contacted me every now and again which has been just right as I would not have contacted them at all. I am recently retired but had some friends at work but these colleagues do not include me now. I accept they are busy working full time and getting on with their everyday lives and also out of sight out of mind. It upsets me but its trivial in the grand scheme of things and I donāt want to do the things we did before. I feel I should do something entirely different and meet new people but this is easier said than done. Everything is āanother worldā now. An existence.
Love to all.
It is true that it is so hard to socialise - I find that I now can only be with certain people who are prepared to just be quietly with me. The people who I thought were friends before Daniel became so ill and then never recovered seem to have either evaporated or say things which only upsets us more with insensitive remarks. I no longer wish to shop in the same town but will drive further to go to places where nobody will know us. I feel we are living a parallel existence - our world of grief and the world where others are caring on in a normal life. I too feel only really safe when I am back in the house or in the garden. Sending love to you all. Wynne
Wynne I also avoid places especially at busy times and hate going my local town at weekends when people I know are not at work. I either walk directly to items I want or check aisles incase I see someone I know. I feel anxious. If I happen to bump into someone I know, my mind goes blank. I understand that everyone has ātroublesā of one kind or another and they may not be feeling great, but my whole life is (and always will be) sadness. Itās just so difficult. My grandchildren are my comfort and make me feel useful.
Dear all, I seem to becoming more anxious and finding it hard to be alone for even a short length of time. My doctor has suggested antidepressants and I wonder if others have found these helpful. I know the sadness will never go away but this feeling of shaking and stomach cramps is making me housebound. I feel my friends are moving on with their own lives and seem to have less time to listen or talk about Daniel. Only mindless things like ironing or weeding seem to make me calmer. Thank you for reading. Love Wynne
Wynne
I know what youāre saying about people moving on, in my situation they are moving on life for others continues , itās us the parents it doesnāt move forward for. Anxiety is awful , I actually prefer being on my own I know Iāve isolated myself but Iām hoping it wonāt be forever. I canāt comment on antidepressants, others have said itās helps take the edge of.
For me personally Iām not depressed (I donāt think)Iām grieving.
I say whatever helps you get through this has got to be good thing. Take care
Julie xx
Dear Wynne
We are all in a lonely place with our loss this weekend has been particularly bad for me not for any reason other than I have had my John on my mind all the time and I have been waking in the night going through the night the police brought me the news I had lost him. When this happens I always get up say the Lords prayer and hopefully the sadness will subside. No one other than those who have gone through the loss of a child will understand how we feel and I have found it better to change my daily routine and steer away from my old circle of friends simply because they cant handle not knowing what to say to me . I am thinking of you today try to keep strong and remember the wonderful times you had with your son.
I hope you and the others donāt mind me dropping in on this conversation, but I just wanted to let you know that we had this conversation a little while back where people talked about taking antidepressants or other medication when grieving: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/medication
You might find it helpful to have a read to see what some other peopleās experiences were.
Hello Wynne,
Only people who have lost a child will know what you are going through. For me antidepressants wouldnāt be any good because I feel they would mask the feelings. We have to have these feelings in order to come to terms with our loss. We will never āget over itā but we do learn to live with it and have those brief moments of relative peace and enjoyment. As Elaine said we are on a lonely road, I have my sister in law to talk with who lost her son Ben 2 years ago so she knows only too well.
Other people donāt know they think āthey can only imagineāā¦have you considered counselling being able to talk about Daniel with someone who will listen? It helps to talk to someone and if you able to talk to a grief counsellor it might help. Your friends are unsure of how to help you, not that they donāt want to help they just donāt know how.
Write again Wynne, I am sure Daniel would not want you to change from the person you were, he loved you then and he certainly still loves you, remember that bond cannot be broken.
Hello Wynne, as Iām writing this I am crying as I thought I would get on and keep my self busy as we had been to the grave to visit dawn this morning and always come back feeling so sad,so I started to clear out some of the cuboards and then they were some lovely necklaces dawn gave me last year to wear with a special dress as she was not well enough to go out and dress up again,thats all it takes,. so no antidepressants do not work as I have been on them for 3months now and feel no better,i did try and come off them and the doctor told me to go back on them as he could see I was very depressed but I think they are a waste of time unless you want to be on some that would knock you out completely. I must admit that when I am wiyh other people it does help a bit I know they are properly fed up with me talking about Dawn but I donāt care ,I want to make sure know one forgets her. love Maddie 49
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